Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Day 485 - From Fuck It; I'm Giving Up to Fuck It; I'm No Longer Accepting This Shit

I have been tired recently. Tired of life, tired of fighting with the mind, tired of process, tired of it all. I have just wanted to give up, say fuck it to it all, say fuck it to correcting myself, investigating myself, fuck it to relationships, fuck it to moving myself in a career or any goal that I may have, like fuck it to everything, give up, accept the system the way it is, accept myself the way it is and sit in a life of misery for a while. I was taking a look my life, taking a look at walking process and seeing nothing of real value come out of it, or so was my perception, looking at my life and seeing that I need to fight to survive in this world, like work at a job just to get by and from looking at these points I went into a point of simply saying fuck it, I don't care any more, I am giving up.

I went into this as well back home where I started smoking weed daily and masturbating to porn as an escape mechanism because I was quite fucking depressed with this thought/perception of the world and my life and it had a damn good grasp on me for a while - it was like months that I went through it. There would be times where I was like, ok, I've had enough of doing nothing, then I would write a blog or do something small and minute then quickly fall right back into the habit of being like fuck it - it was usually and commonly spurred from something entertaining as a distraction such as pictures on reddit or porn - then `fall` back down into the depression and giving up - seeing myself as not being of value or having any significance in this world or see any point to living in this world any longer - see no point to really pushing myself to move myself to continue to explore/investigate/understand who I am and what it is that this world is going through.

Everything started to fall by the wayside, diabetes, health, process, caring, my job, consideration of the physical, real practical consideration for myself and others, man, my life started to collapse because of this whole point of giving up and saying fuck it all, I've had enough. It has done so recently as well where I noticed that my writing diminished extensively, I started to resist doing my MC's to which I had previously been really diligent in getting done on time, I started to fall with testing the blood sugar at regular intervals so that I know where I stand in blood sugar and am able to manage it well. So what I am saying here is that EVERYTHING started to fall because of the single point of giving up, of thinking that I am insignificant and that nothing is really worth it, that life is continuing down the same road and so am I, as I believe/perceive that there is little to no change

The most recent point came up 3 days ago where I was sitting here with myself and watching another person write. A thought of fuck it, it's not worth it came up in that moment and I accepted it. The thought is pertaining to how I see myself in process and how I see my movement in process, seeing continuing on with process when I see no real change, although that is due to me, seeing the need to make money to survive and I was just like fuck it, I give up. I chose to stop all care to write in that moment, stop all care to do MC's, stopped all care to investigate what was going on and basically stopped all care to care about life, about the world, and myself although this was a work in progress for a few months. I sat down and watched movies- I wanted to escape and movies are the easiest way to do so. I found boredom existent within me, I found no drive, I found no motivation to move myself, I found no dedication to myself or process.

During the 3 days I did not do much. I slept as much as possible to escape this point, I decided to watch a lot of movies to escape. I did a few basic points such as the Masturbation and Porn group on facebook, and a few DIP Lite things. I did this to keep up an image of myself and to keep myself believing that I am doing at least SOMETHING, but overall things really started to collapse. Then after a while, well on the third day I did the things that I needed to do around the farm but the body and myself was in this complete depression. The body was really heavy and not processing things that well, and I, myself, did not really want to do anything that was regarding process or investigating the world/understanding the world nor myself. I slugged my body around, I didn't talk unless necessary to TRY to keep up appearances as if nothing is going on. I kept myself quiet and reserved. All of this because of the fuck it experience and then deciding that I am giving up.

Now the solution. Now what I did in this example is accepted this system, this idea of myself, of process, of the world, I accepted the giving up in/as the words of `fuck it`. The solution here is to change how I apply the words of fuck it. Fuck can be applied to self, where self is like fuck it, I'm done. Or it can be applied, again to self, but from the perspective of fuck it, I don't want this experience of myself anymore or like fuck it, I'm done with allowing myself to go into this point, I am done with giving up, and/or fuck it, it is enough of the world existing like this - then from this point move myself to stop allowing this point to control me, stop allowing this system to define how I participate in this reality and how I direct myself in this reality, and stop myself from giving up, start giving myself some care and consideration for myself and others in this world - real care, because as always, if this point exists now it has always existed.

Instead of allowing myself to say fuck it I am giving up to process the words fuck it need to be applied to the mind, be applied to how I am accepting myself and be applied to changing a point - like fuck it, I am DONE with this point, This point has gone on for TOO long I am CHANGING this point; then from here allow myself to embrace the words of fuck this/fuck it and motivate myself/move myself within the point entirely, look at every instance that this point occurs, give myself to openness to look at the point whenever it comes up and give myself the dedication to correct myself within the point whenever it comes up with diligence, steadfastness, and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and feel overwhelmed at the problem that I was looking at in relation to who I am in process, the survival points of the world system, feel that nothing is worth doing any longer and from this feeling allow the words and thought of `fuck it` to be lived by me in relation to process, in relation to supporting and assisting myself, wherein I believe and see that process and continuing process is too difficult for myself, where I am only manipulating myself to keep myself in the cycle of emotions to keep myself doing nothing and keep myself from really looking at what was going on in me at the time when I said fuck it and decided to `give up`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on process, to give up on myself, as if it is a valid solution to the problem that I was looking at, and in this, to allow myself to become overwhelmed with emotion without directing it which I see as an issue within this because when I allowed the emotion to stay for the few days is where how I allowed myself to give up, to shut down, to cut out the relationships in my reality and to allow my reality to collapse - because I didn't direct the emotions and found no point in my life or in the world worth moving for.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change the point of saying fuck it to how this world exists, such as fuck it, this is enough of the world existing this way, this is enough of myself existing his way, this is enough of my allowance of these emotions to direct me. In this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE, REALIZE and UNDERSTAND that I can create solutions to the problems that I face by writing them out, by practically investigating them, and by opening up and sharing myself with other people, and from this I do not need to accept myself sabotaging my reality because I perceived that there was no point to moving myself or continuing process, I am able to expose the point to others and in this investigate why it is that I said fuck it and really take a look at what it is that I am accepting myself to participate in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say fuck it to process, not really taking a look at what I was accepting from myself, only reacting to what/how I was seeing reality, and in this allow myself to validate the point of saying fuck it because I allowed myself to not find a solution to this world or my experience of myself, didn’t allow myself to consider that enough is enough of this world, enough is enough of my mind, enough is enough of emotions and of allowing myself to be directed by the mind and enough is enough of the world being directed by this hellish human nature and enough is enough of allowing myself to fall for the traps set up by the mind in relation to emotions and points

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to view the only solution to the problem that I was seeing of there being no point to existing, no point to continue with process, no point to continue maintaining relationships, and no point to continue surviving as giving up, as saying fuck it it's not worth, when this is the easy way out and the more productive way would to change the fuck it into fuck it, it is enough of this world existing like this, it is enough of myself existing in such a way and it is enough of myself sabotaging my life/world because of the idea/belief that things are too far gone for anything to matter in relation to my movement of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the world that it exists as now is due to us humans saying fuck it to the world, fuck it to life and fuck it to changing anything where we're constantly allowing this world's shitty existent to propel us forward into self-destruction, where we look for entertainment and happiness as a by-product to pass the time until we die or kill ourselves - and in this I forgive myself that I did not accept and allowed myself to realize that while I was watching movies and entertaining myself to escape myself, to escape the world that I was allowing myself to remain in the same system of/as all humans in this world of saying fuck it to the world and giving up all responsibility for standing as a point to change self to support a life that is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say fuck it to the world and thus fuck it to myself and fuck it to life, fuck it to facing the issues existent within the world and in myself, looking for a comforting area of my life to return to where I can escape myself and escape the world, and in this not looking at what it is that I was really accepting from myself, not looking at the outflows that my participation in this system of saying fuck it and being depressed would create in my reality and what accepting this point within me meant on the whole of the world system and what it meant to the others around me - not seeing or realizing that I was having a damaging affect to the persons around me because I was within emotion and not directing it and cutting myself off from the others around me that I would've been able to see/support if I did not allow myself to remain in emotion - in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give care and consideration for the others around me when I am in a state of emotions, allowing myself to only focus on the emotions and what I am going through, only focusing on what mattered to me in that moment which was how I FELT, not realizing or seeing that the others around me were responding to what I was allowing within myself and that it was having a detrimental affect of them as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore those around as I allowed myself to say fuck it to the world, fuck it in the context of fuck it I am done with caring about the world, and ignore the obvious, now that I look at it, deterioration of the relationships around me and ignore how it was that I was affecting others' process because I was in a emotional state of `not giving a fuck` about life and about myself and about process because I saw it as too much to handle when it was not really valid at all - it is only that I saw this world continuing the same way that it is existing and only saw myself needing to struggle in life with money and with health issues and with needing to continuously move myself against the grain and from this `sight` decided that I had enough of living with awareness of it so I decided to escape in any way possible which was movies and games and anything that would keep me occupied for the time until I died

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to say fuck it to the world as in there is no
fucking way that I am going to continue to allow myself and this world to exist in such a state of complete hell and in this give myself the dedication and motivation to move myself to find SOLUTIONS to the problems rather than simply focusing on the problems

I commit myself to stand in myself and say fuck it to the world in the context of not being in a rush of energy or a need to bulldoze my way through everything in myself, but fuck it to the world in/as the context of no longer accepting myself to dwell on problems and/or to see all of these problems as too much for myself, or see these problems as never changing and to only focus on the problems but to hereon out take a look at the SOLUTIONS to the problems existent, so like if I see a problem of/as surviving then look at how I am able to solve this problem of surviving not only for myself but for all humans as I hereon out commit myself to take a look at the bigger picture of more than just myself and more than just my experience of myself on this earth - taking a look at how each being in this world/existence is still in this need to survive and then take a look at where/how I am able to apply myself within this reality/lifetime to live a solution within myself and offer assistance and support to solutions and to walk the solution of/as myself in this lifetime, and to in this stop myself from going into this state of being depressed/isolated/reserved when I see that this life still has many many problems and that I still have many many problems that I need to sort out within myself and to rather LOOk/FIND/LIVE those solutions here as me so that I do not sit only on the problems but realize that I am able to give myself the solution to the problems that I see and that I am able to give others the support necessary to live those solutions as well because it won't only be me facing this point in reality, it will be all of humanity at the moment as each human being has seen this point within themselves - seen this point of not giving a fuck any more about the atrociousness that exists on this earth and have said fuck it I don't care anymore I'm not going to pay attention to these problems as they are never ending and I am only going to look out after myself and my well being and my enjoyment and fuck all others and in this I commit myself to start to consider more than only myself and what I WANT from this earth/lifetime and to consider what I can offer/live/implement as solutions to this world and how it exists within me.

There is also a second point to this pattern and this point is being seen as useless or seeing myself as useless in relation to what I have decided to do with my life which has been and has become desteni - where much other aspects of my life are no longer existent = my life have become revolved around desteni and when I see myself as being useless or ineffective at this point, which in self honesty I can be or have been, then I want to give up, I want to say fuck it, I am no good, I am useless, everything that I have done up to here has been redundant and is of no use/purpose. From looking at myself and my application of myself in this world within what I have given myself direction to do and have goaled myself to live in this aspect I don't see a point in continuing so I really spiral down into this self-pity, self-defeating system. I sabotage my entire world via stopping process and deciding to give up, deciding to let go of process because of the belief/idea that I have done nothing useful with my life and I will continue to be useless with my life. In this as well is another dimension this dimension is the fear of change, the fear of seeing that all that I have done, all that I have put my effort into has not been fruitful, and to realize that I must start again via changing my direction and changing my application of myself but there is the fear/resistance/defence of not wanting to face seeing all that I have done as being fruitless so I attempt to hide and escape this point via weed, porn, movies, video games, anything that can create a bit of distraction from this point for a while. I then become depressed about my life and depressed that all I have done is useless and resist changing the point, resist starting over and resist seeing/understanding/realizing that what I've done is purposeless and fruitless. This is where the fuck it comes in, the fuck it I'm giving up on myself because that which I've seen within myself is fruitless and all that I've tried for and put my effort into which has been process has been fruitless - so I state in that moment of seeing myself in this light "Fuck it" "Fuck trying to improve myself, fuck trying and putting in effort to change because nothing has come out of this process, fuck myself and fuck the world, I'm just going to lay the fuck down and give up" So that's what I've done and that is what I am facing at the moment because it is still coming up every now and then. Like for instance today Kim was showing me a point about considering others within the system and getting to others within the system via blog titles and I reacted to this point because I saw that I was not considering the point within myself so this point/this system activated again because I saw that what I've done as being useless and what/how I've applied myself has been ineffective

I suppose it is time for some self honesty. Have I really applied myself in this process, have I done everything in my power to investigate, to walk, to apply, and to change myself and the world system as a whole or have I allowed points like this to run my life; Have I allowed emotions and feelings to continually direct myself because I have not wanted to change from the start; only wanting instant gratification for the minimal effort that I have put in? - The answer is the latter as I have resisted and allowed myself to resist the point of changing and really letting go and applying myself for quite some time, I have allowed myself to apply myself with complete slack and with complete laziness, laziness might not be the appropriate word - with complete lack of consideration of what I was really doing/applying, like simply writing for the point of writing, writing and applying self forgiveness to keep the ideal of myself as been good so that I don't spiral down into this point and kill myself. From what I can see MANY self forgiveness statements have been only but words, words that I have been throwing around without standing behind and as, like the self forgiveness statements have only come form knowledge and information rather than real practical application of the word forgiveness, and now even as I look at this point within myself I see that I must start at the beginning again and learn what forgiveness is, learn what it REALLY means to apply self forgiveness, so yes, in self honesty I must start over, I cannot continue on the path that I am headed as the path that I am headed is fruitless, the path that I am headed on is only an image design based on knowledge and information and is not based on real practical application of the material or a REAL LIVED understanding of the material.

So the point of FUCK IT comes down to FUCK IT, I've had enough of myself allowing myself to give up because of the fear to change myself, because of the fear to take a step back from my ego and realize that what and how I have been allowing myself to apply myself has been fruitless and not real, because no real change has come through in my process, the point of FUCK IT comes through in the point of FUCK IT, I am not accepting myself to play this process out halfassedly or play MYSELF in this process, play myself for the fool by not being self honest with myself in my application of myself of really being self honest with the thoughts that are coming up, with being self honest of how to change myself, being self honest with how to look at the points that are going on and being self honest with the forgiveness that I write, being self honest with the reactions that come up when I start out to write self forgiveness and being self honest with the fact and question of AM I REALLY FORGIVING MYSELF HERE. This is where FUCK IT, I AM NO LONGER ACCEPTING MYSELF TO LIVE THIS WAY is able to be applied in real corrective manner, rather than fuck it to process because I see no real change and no real fruit coming from this procees, because it is not the process that is fruitless it is ME within process and how I have been applying myself in process, so FUCK IT, I AM DONE ALLOWING MYSELF to react in fear of facing myself and to react in resistance to forgiving myself and applying change, and react with the fear of facing the fact that I need to change my starting point from the beginning.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take a look at the who I am when applying self forgiveness, not to take a look at the SMALL MINUTE reactions that occur within me as I sit down to write or as I sit down to investigate a point as if this process or writing or forgiveness is being forced on me because as long as I am not here standing within myself to change the point for MYSELF, meaning that as long as I believe and perceive that I MUST walk this process because it is expected of me by morals or by belief or by something `greater` than I am then what is going to come out of my application is going to be shit, going to yield no fucking results because I have not done it for ME, and from this I commit myself to NEVER AGAIN, write because I feel that I have to, NEVER AGAIN start writing out a point because I FEEL that I HAVE to, but to make sure that who I am when I decide to sit down and write out a point is FOR ME, is me sitting here looking at a point for myself to correct and change the point for MYSELF in the understanding that the who I am as this point is not really ME, and that the who I am as this point has compromised my LIFE and others LIFE on this planet as a whole equal and one, affecting all being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the fact that I need to correct and change my starting point within the whole of process, fear facing that what I have put my effort into and what I have attempted to create for myself as the creator has come up empty handed because I never allowed myself to take the point of creator into and as my beingness, I continued to allow the mind to be the creation of myself even within much of the writing that I have done, I have allowed the mind in/as the starting point of the belief of HAVING to write because of an external force to direct me when/as I am writing and face that I have not learnt much throughout this process, have not learnt in the aspect of real lived knowledge I have learnt a lot via information and knowledge within the mind as theory but I have not gone out and lived that knowledge and information and I have used this knowledge and information to keep up a veil to myself in/as the belief and idea that I am somehow changing so that I do not need to face the fact/point that I need to start over because what and how I have applied myself has been veiled by information and knowledge and the belief/idea that since I am walking with desteni that I am changing myself, but it does not matter about the what I do it matters about the who I am within that which I do and the who I am within desteni has been lackadaisical and has not been the effort and push that is needed to really change myself

I commit myself to writing, I commit myself to pushing myself to write even if I DON’T WANT to because I understand that this not wanting to is not who I am as life, and I understand this this not wanting to does not correlate to me WRITING ME, it does not correlate to being here with myself in/as the point of writing and writing out a point within me, and in this I commit myself to see that if I am writing for a point beyond or outside of myself such as within the belief and ideas of morals being the guiding principle of process or myself writing then I stop myself in that moment because I know that if I write anything or anything that I write will be fruitless because I am writing from an image and I am writing from a point that is NOT ME HERE WITH THE POINT, and I commit myself to be diligent with stopping myself from allowing myself to go into resistances purposely, meaning I understand that there is going to be resistance to changing, but I commit myself to not allow the resistance to change to be the direction of me, I commit myself to REALLY FUCKING TRY and move the point, move myself to push myself past the resistance so that I stand here with myself writing out the point, writing here for me, and I commit myself to really push my self honesty in writing, in self forgiveness, make sure that any small reaction does not go unnoticed and uncorrected, make sure that who I am is here with me writing out the point, make sure that who I am is not moving myself because of a belief or because of an Idea that I NEED to, so - moving myself for myself

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Day 484 - Distractions and Comfort

I have yet to establish a clear grounding/starting point for this pattern because I am seeing that some days I go into this pattern and become bubbly and excitable in relation to the escapism and comfort because the positive energy provides that sense of comfort and that positivity provides the ability to escape reality. This pattern is a play out among many individuals on this Earth at the moment because, like me, we sit in front of screens for long periods of the day losing ourselves within whatever media encapsulates our mind's for a while, enough to ignore some of the things that we can rather be focusing on and/or applying ourselves within. It stops us from expanding ourselves and taking initiative to do more with our lives and apply ourselves where the self is needed = here on earth rather than in the mind. I can attest to this point because this is true for me, I've avoided expanding myself and taking initiative due to my comfort zones within media and losing myself within the world of perfection that is shown within the media, I've not taken on many other responsibilities other than what I have been doing for a while and have become comfortable with and if a point opens up in my reality where my comfort zone is compromised than I highly resist that point and if I MUST go into that point than I go into that point with fear in/as the flight or fight mode because I have not learned to trust myself in expanding myself nor have I done it enough times to come to realizations within the point.

The one realization that I can offer at this point is that you get SO much more done within the day if you keep media and entertainment out of it. For instance, yesterday I went into this point of comfort within watching movies/series and it took me a long time to write this blog and it was not effective because within a moment I would lose focus on the point that I was writing mid sentence than I would have to go back to what I was writing mid-sentence and I would lose the point that I was writing so the point did not come across that effectively because I kept losing myself and I kept distracting myself with the movie/series. It wasted my time, I wasted my time by allowing myself to look for comfort in the point of a distraction for a while so that I didn't need or found excuses/reasons to not face the point head on and bring it here, finding solutions to these points as I walk my daily life.

Stimulation is a large factor within this where in my previous time I would spend hours upon hours searching reddit in order to distract myself and as a way to say fuck it, I don't want to deal with this right now so I am going to revert to what comforts me which was entertainment and the positivity from the entertainment that I gathered. I would allow and use stimulation to keep myself occupied so that I could forget about myself and forget about the world and what is going on in the world. I was using excuses and justifications and reasons as to why searching reddit for hours was not a bad thing, even though I saw it as `bad`, not bad in the sense or morality but bad in the sense of that I understood what I was doing and the consequences manifesting from my actions even though I may not have had the correct vocabulary to describe such a point - I am finding the vocabulary now

To describe the energy I would say that it is a positivity and then when I do not allow myself to entertain myself or that point is removed from my life then it is a negativity. The positivity is comfort, it is a comfort in losing myself and a comfort in seeing the emotions and feelings play out on the screen within a series or movie, like the movie can encapsulate such as point to perfection, encapsulate the idea of love or the idea of rebelliousness to such a perfection that I then lose myself within it - so it is losing myself within ideas and beliefs of what this world is to be like or what points of this reality are able to be like which is not practical or REAL at all. And the biggest point that I see within this is love/relationships where that point has been a distraction for me for quite a while. That and sex obviously but within the desire for a relationship comes for the idea promoted in the media of being love. So now I am finding that with my partner I am fucking around, for lack of a better phrase, with positivity and joking around often all for the point of escaping because, again, I am not focused on the task at hand while I am fucking around and I am distracting myself with the conversations that are about jokes and trying to make jokes and laugh and I am being quite nonsensical in the conversations.

Practice makes perfect in all cases so I commit myself to stopping this movement of energy when in points of distraction and/or wanting to distract myself to escape and say fuck it to the world and calm myself down when I am in this point, cutting out the points that are distractions within me and bringing myself back here to focus on the task at hand

I will continue this point and expanding this point in the next blog

Monday, July 21, 2014

Day 483 - Comfort Within Wants

With this point of comfort that I have been facing I have noticed a peculiar thing and that is that happiness is closely linked/related to this point of comfort and I have experienced anger when letting go of comfort. This anger is related to not having life the way that I want it, and of course it is not going to be the way that I WANT it because this life is not here for me, this life incorporates many many many beings in this reality and it is up to us to find ways to co-exist where all people and beings are looked after, and within my WANT, I am only considering myself - so it's not going to be how I want no matter how much I react to this point.

This point of anger in relation to reality not being how I want, and this how I want is in relation to self-interest, is bringing myself back to reality because each time that I am going through this point I have to bring myself back here to myself and bring myself back to reality, seeing reality as how it is and not what I want and then align myself to this point, let go of the anger and walk the point of alignment to reality because the wants are certainly not aligned to reality. Like today there was a point of wanting to go see a movie and a plan to go see a movie today for a week and a half now and so, there was things that needed to be done by me and planned by me to make sure that all things were in order before I left but then the something occurred where it had to be delayed and then I went into this reaction where I got angry because the point of the want and the experience of the want/excitement had to be denied or was denied via circumstances and I wanted to just say fuck it, I'm done with wanting to go see the movie, fuck it, I'm done with having anything to look forward to in this lifetime I was ready to give up, go into emotions such as depression and then repeat a pattern that I've been dealing

After a while within the reaction I couldn't allow myself to continue it further because I saw what it was creating and what and how I was manipulating myself to go back into that depressive state where nothing matters and I give up on reality because I was believing that nothing matters and it doesn't matter if I have a point of excitement in this reality. So it took me a while to bring myself out of it, out of the want and out of the state of comfort of `having something that I want` and brought me back to reality where my wants are not going to be manifested at my whim or my want of the want. This is another point to correct within this point of comfort because the wants give me a sense of comfort, like wanting leads to this point of where I can solely focus on the want and put all other things aside for the time being whiel I focus on the want. And this then leads to a build up of energy that, if something happens in which there is a delay or the energy is dispersed, I react into this point of not having what I want and then I see reality as being purposeless because I cannot have what I want then it leads to emotions where I can go into this point of giving up and saying fuck it to the world, but that is not cool because I really should say fuck it to the wants and to the emotions coming up, fuck it to placing wants ahead of practicalities, say fuck it to allowing myself to focus on the wants rather than focusing on the things that needed to be done. In this as well, specifically with the movie event today I see that I was happy with the point of going to see a movie because it was going to provide a sense of escape for a while and this sense of escape I could use for a while after seeing the movie rather than breathing, being here in the moment with what is here after the movie is done then directing myself simply.

Each day it seems like there is another dimension to this point opening up and I am grateful for it because it is really cool walking these points as I am seeing where/how walking this process will lead me and I see how I can be a LOT more physically directive as I walk this process - so in the next post I will continue walking this process and applying myself within/as it.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Day 482 - Comfort Zones and Pushing Past Them

Comfort has been a large part of my lifestyle. I look for a sense of comfortability within much that I do and look to be comfortable when facing hard tasks or facing hard points. It is like the experience of comfort will allow my to face whatever I need to face and do whatever I need to do and throughout my life I have felt uncomfortable, uncomfortable in my own skin, uncomfortable at the prospect of the volatility of the system where it seems like anything can go wrong at one point in life and then life spirals down into the dumps and a lot of consequence can manifest, so this has scared the shit out of me in which I look for points of comfort in my reality. So far I have highlighted cigarettes, movies, tv, video games, coffee, as points that I am currently using as points to hold myself in this point of comfort so that I can not look at all the points in my reality that need directing and all the points that, if I don't direct, then my reality starts to diminish because I am not here with myself to direct the points

I remember a while ago there was an article suggesting that what goes on in the unconscious is directly related to underwear and how you define underwear is related to the unconscious mind. Like the article was saying, take your underwear and categorize them into 3 categories. So I looked at it and questioned how I would categorize my underwear. I put them into 3 categories, all consisting of comfort, like the first group was comfortable, the second was semi-comfortable, and the third was not being comfortable at all, so comfort is a large part of how I designed the unconscious mind. I also remember carrying around a blanket when I was 3-4 years old and that blanket was everything to me, it was my security, it was my warmth, it helped me get through anything lol - exactly how I use comfort nowadays. It allows me to bear life and bear the hard times. It is time to let go of the blanket and face the cold harsh reality where, instead of depending on the blanket/comfort, I rely on myself to move myself and trust myself that anything and everything that comes up I am here to direct, not within some point of comfort.

So with comfort zones I have used them a lot to cope with reality and to cope with my reality, and I have wanted to keep myself in these comfort zones and within the energy of being comforted while I exist in this world, because I have been afraid of this world and afraid of responsibility. Afraid of handling my life by myself and keeping track of all the little things that need to be tracked, so I look for a point to escape in and I look for this point of comfort to escape in, I watch movies for a long time so that I can escape reality for a bit or escape directing a point for a while, or I look to smoke a lot of cigarettes to make myself feel comfortable while I embark on taking something on that may be stressful. So this point, as I look at it has certainly limited me from expanding myself. Like when/if there is a point that I am not wanting to face or slowly looking at directing it and I am in something comfortable, or I am fearing going out and doing something and I am using something to provide comfort for a while then when/as the prospect comes to stop and put whatever I am using as a point of comfort/distraction then the mind is like "NOOOOO" don't do it, and then I believe that this reaction to the energy and reaction to the fear is me, to which I allow the thought to exist as me and then I live that point of avoiding the point and going back to my comfort zone.

To push past/beyond my comfort zones it is going to take some time, and within this time it means that I must practice and let go of my comforts, apply myself in reality, and if there is a time when I am watching a movie then the point within watching a movie is to make sure that all points that need to be directed are being directed and are not taking back seat to the experience of escaping or comfort via placing myself within a movie and like `losing` myself within the storyline of the movie. Yesterday this was quite easy, yesterday I was like fuck no, I am stopping this point, I am focusing on myself, and from that starting point I didn't allow myself to lose myself within a movie or anything else, the writing came out naturally and all the points that needed to get done got done. At that time it was easy, I didn’t allow myself any slack on any of the points, I allowed any movies or series that I was watching to stay in the background and I wrote, didn’t allow that point of comfort to come into me nor any reactions and in this I noticed a very cool thing = I was a lot more stable, meaning that I wasn't hyper active or down and drowsy, I was here, directing myself. There were points of anger coming up but that was because of the addiction to energy that I was going through and the type of withdrawal that was coming up. I enjoyed this because it showed me that I could move myself and I could change myself through a simple decision and with some awareness applied to the point and dedication and will I can move through the point.

There is still work to do on the point because today has not been so easy, I have been wasting time a bit more than yesterday and been watching a movie more, more meaning that yesterday I wrote until the point was complete, today I am in and out of the point while looking at the movie, so this point still needs to be directed. So what energy is coming up? The energy that is coming up is in relation to happiness and having that which I would like for myself. The energy is again a point of comfort, a point of comfort within/as the experience of the movie and the movie that I am watching is a love story so this point of comfort is in relation to the idea of love. And this is what I am finding today. I am more happy and go lucky within the point of a relationship which again provides another sense of comfort, where, you know, like that becomes the only thing that we focus on in our lives, ignoring the other aspects of life and the responsibilities in our lives.

To break out of this pattern will take the same thing that I showed myself yesterday, where, no matter what or who is within my life, I stick to the principle of moving myself through this sense of comfort and taking on the points that need directing and looking at doing more than what I am doing at the moment. Because the what I am doing at the moment I have developed a sense of comfort around, and so to move myself past and beyond the things that I am doing now to get myself out of the comfort and break past this habitual pattern. So in the next post I will write Self forgiveness on the points of comfort that have designed myself around and corrective statements for these points

Thanks for Reading

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Day 481 - Escapism

I remember when I was younger I would watch tv endlessly and I would play video games as much as I could. I would not do homework, I would not do chores and I would severely resist doing anything in relation to responsibility and I used playing video games and watching tv as ways and methods to avoid facing these things. I used tv and video games to escape reality, to escape facing what/who I would become and do to my life if I didn’t do homework and what/how my life would turn out if I didn't do chores, I suppose I knew these things back then and I simply did not want to face them. I did not want to face the harsh reality that if you don't do something about your reality then it is going to collapse on itself and turn up like shit - I didn't want to face the harsh reality that if I did not do my homework then I might be held back a grade for failing.

In time this developed into smoking weed and porn usage as well, I also still watched a lot of tv, movies, and played an extensive amount of video games but then porn and weed was added into the equation because it still brought out this sense of escapism and this sense of enjoyment while I participated in it. This sense of enjoyment was because I would escape facing the harsh reality, the sense of enjoyment was like a comfort, the comfort was because I could `lose` myself and `lose` reality as I focused on the storyline of the television series or the movie or focused on immersing myself within the video game that I was playing and immersing myself in the ideas of women within porn and immersing myself within the imagination and thoughts while I smoked weed = it brought a sense of comfort because I could escape, I could escape facing reality and not take a look at what and how I was living my life for a while = like I would not do homework and yet I knew that if I didn't then it would lead to consequences that I did not want to face and homework was simply something that I did not want to do. So from the resistance existing in those moment and knowing/understanding that if I did not do homework or apply myself in this reality then consequences were going to manifest in my life and it scared the shit out of me. It scared me enough to attempt to find ways to avoid thinking about homework and to avoid thinking about the future and how I would live in the future when I had no parent to look after me and no `easy` life, like when I would have to fend for myself by getting a job, by working, by paying rent, by paying car insurance and dealing with all the little things that the system has to offer. Even with relationships, I was aware to some extent that I had to apply myself within communicating and interacting with people on a social level to build and maintain a decent relationship with another person, so porn, video games, tv, movies and weed offered the escape that I was looking for, it offered the ignorance of responsibility and direction that I didn't want to give myself nor apply to my life because it scared the shit out of me, dealing with and handling all the little points of responsibility that an adult life has to offer.

This point has continued to this day, where, if you take a look back at my previous posts I have written a lot of responsibility and my `work ethic` towards responsibility and moving my life in a direction that is aligned to an adult perspective on how they must direct their life. Movies, tv, and video games are still a part of my life that if I don't direct the energy of that comforting feeling of being able to `lose` myself and `lose` reality in then again my life turns to shit and it can even get to a point in my life where I say "Fuck it, I don't want to do anything anymore" which is where all points of my life start to collapse on themselves because it takes movement to keep every single point in my life maintained, it takes movement from myself within each point to keep it stable, that being applied to within and without. If I decide for a moment that I just want to watch a series and avoid writing or avoid facing a reaction that I am going through or sleep through it then boy do things get bad quickly lol. If I accept one moment of staying in that comforting point rather then breathing, letting go and directing myself to do something else that needs my attention and application in a moment then that point escalated quickly and I will go into this negative reaction to stopping the video game or movie or series and have this negative reaction towards the world and towards life in general which can lead to depression then giving up then like letting everything just fall apart. It falls apart because I am not here within myself to maintain it, I am within the mind in the point of feeling comfortable with watching something or playing something and thus I am not here to be able to direct a point or myself effectively.

This is another dimension that has recently opened up for me in relation to this point of responsiiblity and facing life/reality as the way it is, with all the red tape, with all the little monetary expenses that can unexpectedly occur and with all the little points of responsibility that it takes to maintain an order in ones reality, both within and without. Before I didn't see the fear, I didn't see how I structured and saw reality in the mind, I only saw myself in the physical action of not doing a point of responsibility and understanding the consequences that it brings and I didn't really want the consequences of what I was doing to play out so I pushed myself to do the things that I needed to do, but what I missed, as usual, is the who I am within what I was doing and the who I am was afraid, the who I am wanted that sense of comfort and the who I am feared letting go of the comfort to face the reality as it is, with all the little things that when/as I took a look at them brought up fear of being able to handle reality because I didn't think or believe that I could, didn’t see myself capable of doing these things. Like for instance when I considered that I needed to apply for a visa to travel I was like, nah, fuck it, not going to face that now, then after a few months the point was a definite need to apply for a visa so I reacted in fear and stress in this fight or flight mode where I was stressed out and moving very quick with the mind and body to get all points done in time for the time of the travel. This means that the stress and rushing and hastiness of myself didn't need to be there, it was only there because I was avoiding the point, and then when it came into my reality where I could not ignore it then I reacted with fear, fear of facing the consequences of my actions for not moving on the point earlier and for avoiding the point because I feared letting go of the comfort that I was in and I feared looking at all the little things that needed to be done to get a visa, I also saw it as an inconvenience, an inconvenience in relation to my comfort of staying in the same mode that I was in, which was not wanting to take on any more responsibility than I had at that moment

When I take a look at the world in this context it is clear that most of us are in this point. We just want to take responsibility for our own lives and not consider that our lives are dependent and resultant on all other lives and dependent on all other people moving on their points of responsibility for this life and for their lives. We think and believe that war, that poverty, that the justice system, that the monetary system, that the education system will correct itself and that we don't need to take al look at any of these points in our own lives; we don't need to consider anything else than our minute points of responsibility for our own lives and we have said fuck it to caring, we have said fuck it to taking responsibility for other things which has lead this world to the state that it is in now. So here, first things first. Look at myself within this point and correct this point so that it no longer exists as a problem for me, investigate it into its totality and forgive myself for accepting this point as it results in the degradation of my world and the world as a whole therefore I will continue to expand and explore this point in the next post

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Day 480 - Rational Consumerism

Recently I bought a laptop and had it sent to my residence back in Canada and I have bought this laptop specifically for business because the laptop that I have at the moment has faulty keys that I cannot allow a person whom I am presenting to use because it will certainly compromise the presentation. As I bought the laptop and saw the deal that was on I had thoughts running around in my head that I will be able to have a NEW laptop and a new little gadget to entertain myself for a while with, and now as I look at going back home and being able to use the laptop I am thinking about using it full time and not only for business because as I was buying it I was in a point of consumerism = buying from excitement and opportunity with the sale, so the excitement continues within the prospect of going home and being able to use the laptop and figure it out and, you know, get to `experience` this new toy.

Now as I look at it, this computer, the one that I am using now is still effective, I am able to type just fine after I mash the keys for a bit and if things really stop cooperating I have a wireless keyboard that I can use for this laptop - so all things with this laptop are fine after a little while of getting it to work properly, so there is not a need to use the laptop that I bought as my full time laptop. As I make the commitment with myself to use it purely as a business laptop then the energy no longer exists, the excitement is completely gone and the anticipation is completely gone and this is because if I use the laptop for the purpose that I had intended it for and the practical reasons for it's use then the energy associated to the buy disappears, and if I then make the decision to use it full time then the energy returns in/as having a `new` gadget to use and play around with

Now many people go through this point when they make the decision to buy things. We normally buy out of emotion or feeling - like seeing a deal that will save you $100 on a coat and buying that coat because of the idea of the money that you'll save and having a new piece to add to your wardrobe, even though the coat will still cost $300 - I mean that is a point of emotional buying where we are not considering the things that we are buying and whether or not we REALLY need them or if they are only a impulsive purchase. These emotional sprees of buying are quite irrational because the only thing that is considered in the moment of purchase or decision to purchase is only the emotions and there is this point of needing to rationalise the purchase by convincing ourselves that we need to make this purchase because of some reason that if you really take a look at, doesn't add up to reality and/or a real practical use/need for the product that is being purchased and when/if that point is questioned such as the point with using the laptop full time.

This is an issue where most of our spending habits derives from emotions and are not practically thought through or rationally decided upon. These decisions also have an effect on the world that we live in because as many should know by now the media and advertising agents specifically design their ads/products to motivate emotions or feelings within everyone, such as Coke and the word happiness - there are many many examples that can be shown but that is the most prominent. They want us to be dependent on these emotions to make decisions of whether or not we need a product and whether or not that product will provide a point of easiness or quality to ones life or if it will sit in a closet being untouched or sit on a desk or in a house collecting dust. This is what we're doing with our money and our money is our point in which we can have an actual say in how our world is directed and how our influence is decided upon within/as the world system.

This also relates to our acceptance and questioning of the world as I can relate to this point as I have been, since I have been having a decent income, I have been lax with my spending and from this I have noticed a lack in observation and questioning of the world. Like if a point comes in the mind to spend some money to go out and get something then I would normally simply go out and get it and recently I have been noting this point within myself where my observations regarding the world have begun to wither away. This point also related to the mind where if self participates this way with money a similar relationship exists within the mind where any thought or idea or belief comes up self is more willing to simply accept the thought, belief or idea of/as self which again I can attest to as my relationship with/as money and the mind is similar to this at times and at other times I do question and look at the points that I am spending money in/spending time on in the mind.

The point of becoming a rational consumer is to primarily question ourselves and what it is that makes us spend our money within emotional or feeling reactions and to question where that point of emotion or feeling is coming from and so that we stop ourselves from making brash decisions upon our spending power and then from this start to question ourselves in our purchases and our spending habits so that we not longer exist as these irrational consumers blindly spending our money and giving our power of choice through money away to the ideas and emotions that are existent within ourselves and become much much more practical with our expenses as we start to consider what it exactly is that we're spending our money on and how/if that purchase is able to benefit our quality of life in one way or another or if it will become another piece of junk to add to the pile of consumerism our world is horded with

With me, I commit myself to start to take time to consider what it is that I am buying and what practical purpose that it has in my life, whether it can add to a quality of life, whether it can quantify certain aspects of my life, like getting a piece of technology to cut down on time/effort for a result in effort, or if there is no practical purpose at all and if there is no practical purpose then to breathe and let go of the point of wanting to spend money in that moment and to in this question where the want to spend money came from, define the energy via a word or words then give that point to myself through other means in my life - like for example, many times I found that I was bored when spending money, I wanted something energetic to stimulate myself which would be the point of spending money on something new so with this example - give myself something to do when/as I am bored so I don't brashly spend money that has no practical purpose to my life

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Day 479 - Slowing Down Part 2

I commit myself to slowing myself down and bringing myself back to breathing while I am in this state of high energy and excitement and the idea/belief that I am happy/exited when/as it is only the movement of energy

I commit myself to doing that which is necessary to bring myself back to breath wherein I commit myself to separate myself from the place that I am in and the energy that I am in - like go take a walk for a while and apply breathing as I walk around or stop myself from talking for a while and focus myself on working on the task at hand - doing all that is necessary to stop myself from accessing this point of excitement/happiness energy and stop it from continuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize this point of excitement when it is happening and recognize the fact that I need to stop the movement of energy from happening and stop myself from continuing on with the playfulness and the points of picking at people or things or attempting to find reactions within another individual or attempting to gather attention from another person to recognize me in the way that I want myself to be portrayed and from this recognition push myself to slow myself down to bring myself back to breath or stop myself from interacting with other people to gain recognition or push a reaction or `fuck around with`

I commit myself to stopping myself and finding ways to support myself to bring myself back to breathing you know, like going for a walk, or listening to music because within music I find that the shit within the mind shuts up and I am able to focus a lot easier when/as I am in this state of moving fast within the mind so that I do my best to stop this reactionary process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue this reactionary process of moving fast with high energy within the mind instead of seeing it within a moment, taking a breath, slowing myself down and continuing to practice breathing while I am in the state of moving fast within reactionary processes such as looking for attention from others or looking for reactions from people or looking for more things that will produce more of a high energy movement - in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct thoughts that are coming up within this state of mind such as the want to play video games in/as the belief that it is going to continue to produce high feelings and a high energy or anything in relation to stimulating high movement of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT ground myself when I am moving very fast in the mind nor attempt to find ways to ground myself but to rather continue with the movement and the reactions poking at people close to me or making fun of people close to me and continue with the movement of the energy so that I can continue to stimulate the mind and stimulate the movement of energy - in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from the reactions and take a serious look at what it is that I am messing around with and what it is doing to the mind and body, specifically investigate the energy and investigate what and how I am `playing` with myself and the mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take notice of the who I am in relation to this point of fast movement in the mind and `playing around` in the mind wherein the who I am is poking at people and making fun of them for what it is that I think about them, poking and prodding for reactions, not in a supportive way but in a way that I am trying to create a hurtful feeling towards the other person

I commit myself to slow myself down when I am moving fast in the mind and I commit myself to take the reactions back to myself and humble myself when I am in this state because the who I am when I am in this state is `feeling good` like I feel good about myself for being `happy` or `expressive` but as I outlined in previous SF statements the happiness or expressiveness is not who I am it is the result of energy, so to humble myself in these moments and take the reactions and comments back to myself and see what/how/where these thoughts have come up previously and then accordingly apply self forgiveness for them and then apply corrections in that moment for the existence of the thoughts and the correction of the thoughts