Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Day 551 - Fear of Being Alone

The fear of being alone is another dimension that I have been looking into in relation to the who I am within relationships, and the fear of being alone or standing alone or standing by myself and leading myself is a point that I have been facing recently wherein I have seen and noticed that I am more of a follower - I mean this point has always been here but am starting to notice it more frequently because it is coming up and I am not denying it or suppressing it.

The fear of being alone manifests within this point of following another person in/as their expression or decisions in order to not be `alone` within the decisions that I make for myself or decide to stand alone within any perceptions or insights that I may have when speaking, so again, this point within relationships is a limiting point because I am not standing alone, not making decisions for myself and not allowing myself to lead myself within what I see and understand to be best for me and all people within a moment - meaning, it is best for me to work on MC's but within the relationships that I have created, I have allowed myself to follow another person within their actions or decisions instead breathing and separating myself from this experience within me and then go and work on the MC or something like that you know? Now this experience within me has quite a few dimensions to it that I outlined in Day 449 but the fear of being alone is quite a large factor because within the fear of being alone I am placing this reliance on the relationship and/or the other person to be the direction of myself, and in this giving my trust of myself up to another person which is misplacing trust.

The fear of being alone, as I see right now, is related to not trusting myself to direct myself, and therefore within the fear of being alone there is a reliance and dependency upon another person to direct me or for me to follow which isn't cool and something that I have been reacting to recently because there are things that I know I would really like to do for myself but as I allow myself to go into this construct I simply start to follow another in the fear of being alone, and like a thought will come up to write or to move away from the interaction within the relationship for a bit and I will resist that thought, you know, like go write or go test blood sugar or something along those lines, and I will resist that point because I fear directing myself within that moment, fear walking the point alone and/or being alone with myself within the point, which as I see it now is absurd, and it is also absurd that I have yet to question this experience and energy within me because I mean I can see it as being so obvious at the moment and yet I have allowed myself to follow the pre-programming in which I do not move myself for myself and stand within self-trust.

So I have been noticing this experience coming up more and more and what I have been applying myself within recently is when I see the experience coming up, along with the energy, I take note that I am wanting to remain around a person and not move myself due to the fear of being alone, and so I will take a look at what it is that I want to or aim to move myself within and how `being alone` is incorporated into it, and in this separate myself from the experience of wanting to hang around with the individual or group of people and let go of the fear of being alone or directing myself alone, take a breath and stabilize myself within any movement of emotion or fear that's coming up and direct myself in lieu of the fear of directing myself alone and basically walk into the fear, but for the most part the fear subsides because I understand what I am doing and how to do it, there are certainly points in which I need to direct myself alone that I have not done before but the application remains the same, do it anyways and push through the fear of walking alone within the point.

Regardless of the fear, the point here, for me, is to push through the fear of walking alone and simply do it because if I remain within this point of fearing directing myself alone then I will be stuck in a life that is not my `own` so to speak, more so walking a life of following someone else's or requiring someone to basically hold my hand throughout my life and as I walk it which is impractical, impossible, and not something that I want for myself at all, so in this I require myself to push myself into the fear of standing alone and basically do it, stopping myself from relying on relationships and developing and creating an effective relationship with myself

I will continue within the next post

Friday, February 20, 2015

Day 550 - Developing Effective Relationship With Self (Self Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for approval from another person in order to define myself within the point that they approve of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a comment or a joke or interact with a person from the starting point of wanting or looking for approval for my actions and in this defining myself by my actions or words and therefore looking for approval for `myself`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on relationships and people to define myself - looking for a person or group of people that I can relate to in order to define myself in relation to them - wherein I will look for ways and personalities in which I can relate to them and manipulate myself in order to relate to them rather than being honest with myself within what I want to do for myself to support myself or what I need to do in order to move myself effectively within this world and to walk the purpose that I have given myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as if I have been shut down or disapproved of or feel betrayed or believe myself to be unacceptable within that moment - that point of expression to be unacceptable, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply stand on my own and express myself within this reality simply with myself without looking for a reaction of positivity from another person, and in this move for myself, not allowing myself to compromise myself within/as looking for acceptance from another individual - meaning, to go and do the things that I need to do if/when/as a person wants to hang out when/as I do not have time, and in this stick to my own principles and stick with myself in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that looking for a relationship to depend on in which to define myself or follow the other person within/as their actions or personalities in order to be accepted yields absolutely no self trust or self acceptance, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for acceptance or approval of myself via another person rather than looking at myself and my actions and simply deciding if I approve of them myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and approve of myself simply by being here with myself simply expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on relationships and the interactions within them to define myself, rather than allowing the definition of myself = who and how I stand with myself to be the directive point of my interactions within relationships, you know, like not allowing the point of looking for approval to be the direction, but allowing me standing here with myself in self-honesty be the directing point of my interactions within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for this point of approval within positivity, you know, like having this point of approval to be aligned with positivity and then look for positivity of myself within the point of approval and in this dictate and direct myself around each person differently to look for this point of approval and then feel positive about myself rather than allowing myself to speak self-honestly and interact with myself self-honestly

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that when I speak with another person I am only speaking with myself within another body and therefore looking for approval is quite irrelevant within our interactions, the only point that is relevant within this point of approval is standing here with my words, and simply speaking my words without energy, and without any other point moving around within the mind other than the words that I aim to speak within the conversation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to speak with me in another body when interacting with people and in this simply check myself within my expression - checking if it is supportive or checking if it is best for all, and in this not check another person's reaction for approval or for acceptance - in this accepting myself within my expression in every moment as I express myself within the physical reality

I commit myself to working on this point daily within my interactions with people daily, allowing myself to focus on myself and doing what I need to do, and not looking for positive reactions within people or within reactions when interacting and communicating with them, simply allowing myself to be here, expressing myself unconditionally here with myself as all things around me, and allowing myself to accept myself here = not looking for approval of my existence or expression within another being, in this stopping myself from separating myself from my own expression and developing a trust and comfort being here with myself

Monday, February 16, 2015

Day 549 - Developing Effective Relationship With Self

A point that I have been looking at recently and walking through is who I am in relationships, not only within sexual relationships but also friendship relationships and relationships that occur at work and things like that. The who I am within relationships has been a follower rather than a self-director so there are a few points within this point that I have been walking, those points are: Looking for acceptance within relationships, fear of being alone, self direction and self respect, self judgment which then leads to me breaking off a relationship. Those are the points that I have seen so far but there might be more points opening up as I walk this point further and investigate myself within it further.

So within the first point; the acceptance within relationships. I have looked for acceptance within relationships both with intimate relationships and with friendships. What I do and who I am within the point is will make a joke or make a statement or something like that and in this look towards the other person for a reaction or facial expression of acceptance, like looking for the other person to accept a self definition of myself if/when/as I speak one or to accept `me` within/as laughing at a joke or something like that. So in this point of self acceptance I am looking for acceptance outside of myself within other people. I look for the approval of myself via another person's reaction towards what I say or what I do which is quite limiting of myself because, I mean, I am implicitly implying that I am not accepting myself and have looked for relationships wherein this point of acceptance is around a lot and if it isn't then I will go into a reaction towards myself of not feeling accepted or approved of the judge my expression and start to limit and suppress my expression.

What I see this comes back to is looking for peers to relate to so that I have this group of people or person around which I can `stand` with, so in this point of looking for acceptance I am looking for a group of individuals that will `accept` `me`, which is really the ego, like within looking for the acceptance from other people, I am looking for acceptance for a specific personality trait or a specific character that I go into, and like I said, if I the person reacts in a `negative` fashion then I will react within myself defining myself as not acceptable or something along the lines of that.

Obviously looking for acceptance within other people is futile because it doesn't allow me to stand stable within a definition that I have created for/as myself - not so much a definition, but more so like standing stable with myself in my expression of myself here. This point has been around for quite some time as I have allowed myself to embody the point of being insecure of myself due to certain self definitions that I have accepted from myself, and so with being insecure within myself, like not being stable with simply my own relationship with myself I have looked outside of myself for the approval of others in which to then be stable or accept myself in/as a certain expression, then like after a while, if I maintain this point of approval I will continue on with the character or personality and continue to define myself as that character or personality so long as it yields the results that I am looking for within that character or personality.

This is what I have been looking at recently because the reactions of suppressing myself and limiting my expression in the physical reality have been coming up more and more and I have been looking at why this is coming up. The point that emerged was this point of wanting for and looking for acceptance when I interact with other people.

What I have been working on is establishing a more effective relationship with myself in this point - like if I find something funny simply laugh about it with myself, and apply myself when/if/as I look for another person to approve of the laugh…like as I write this I find it laughable that I have allowed myself to go into such a point of insecurity with myself -like looking for simple points of acceptance and also not accepting the simple points within myself. So, like I stated, I am working on applying this point for myself, allowing myself to be here within the physical reality in the body and expressing myself here with myself in/as the body without the fear of judgment from others and also stopping the judgment of myself in my expression and allowing myself to be `free` within my expression, and to stop limiting myself here in reality from expressing myself, allowing me to be ok with simply expressing myself. In this as well I have applied myself within the point of stopping looking for specific reactions and flagging the point of when/as I look for a specific reaction from a person in/as a point of acceptance to assist and support myself to see and find the points wherein I allow myself to go into the mind and look for acceptance from another person - in that point I stand here with myself accepting myself within the expression.

What I am working towards within this point is to establish a relationship of trust with myself, wherein I can simply be here with myself and trust myself to express myself and to move myself without the need of a relationship to approve or direct me. In this to also remove dependency within relationships and allowing myself to depend on myself and trust myself within self movement.

So that is one dimension that I have been facing and investigating within who and how I am within relationships and also looking into the relationship with myself and establishing an effective relationship with myself here so that I am able to stand here with myself without judgment or insecurity and simply allow myself to express myself and move myself without looking for acceptance or approval from another person. I will write self forgiveness and self corrective statements in the next post and continue on with the other dimensions of who I am within relationships in further blogs. Thanks for reading

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Day 548 - Self Limiting Thoughts Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this experience of dread while entering work with `knowing` that I will be there for 12 more hours and within the thought about `how long` 12 hours is going to be, accept and allow this experience of dread within myself, accept and allow myself to become lazy, numb, and dull towards the world around me and my life, my self, and what I am working towards/within/as myself, basically allow myself to go into giving up on everything because I believe and go into the belief that I am living something that I absolutely do not want to live and am being forced to do something that I do not want to do, then in this like `clock` out of life, become dull and pay no attention to the world around me - just look to `get by` a certain amount of time so that I can start a different life, and in this, if I do not start a different life, basically give up on caring to make changes in my life that I want to see, and in giving up look for ways to escape and avoid reality and this experience within myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down when entering work and be here with the environment, myself, and what is immediately going on within the direct reality, not looking forward into time and creating this idea about how much time it is going to take to get through the day or night; simply allowing myself to be here moment by moment, focusing simply on what is here within a moment - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread `waiting` through the time that I have to work, waiting for the day to be done, waiting to get onto something else or waiting to do something that I would like, more specifically, just waiting, you know, like waiting for the time to be done, rather than just being here within the time that is here and leaving it at that - not looking into the future or waiting for something to be done or waiting to get to something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for time to pass until I start to move on something, like wait for the time of work to pass before I can do something else, or wait until I am starting school to move myself in a different direction or to change my experience of myself, or like wait for something in my world to change before I take responsibility for myself and my world - instead of taking that point here within myself and living responsibility in each and every moment that I work, each and every moment that I breathe.

Like within work, since I have been allowing myself to go into that specific energy of/as dread and displeasure towards working and living responsibility for my reality, I have not allowed myself to live responsibility in each and every moment - due to the acceptance of that experience of dread and even the acceptance of that experience of dread in relation to creating the idea of it around work is a point of not taking responsibility for myself because I am defining that experience on the outside reality - placing blame and responsibility on the outside reality rather than understanding that I, myself, am creating that experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to void all responsibility from myself for accepting and allowing an experience of dread to come up towards my life and in this experience of dread to not move myself within anything related to responsibility and just like sit within the experience of dread, not seeing or realizing that the experience of dread is not real, and that I am creating it within myself due to not wanting to take responsibility for the system or the world within the dimension of working for a company

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience towards working for a company, an experience of dread, because I feel and believe and perceive that I have not chosen this life of working for myself, yet I have implicitly accepted it via the acceptance of the money system and therefore it is a point in which I need to stand in and walk in, not allowing the movements of money affect who I am or my self definition or what I apply myself within in this life.

I commit myself to working on not allowing myself to use emotional reactions to avoid working on other points within my daily life, and to work on applying myself here in every moment - giving myself self-direction to not become lazy or like slack within the tasks/duties that I have, both given to me and decided from myself - meaning work is a point that is given to me - writing is a point that I have decided for myself - and in each point apply myself within the principles that I have been living/working on that are within why it is that I participate within desteni

I commit myself to when entering work, be here with myself, not allow myself to go into the mind and think about how long it is going to take to get the job done or be done with the job, and if/when/as I do go into the thoughts regarding how long it is going to take to get the job done and go into an emotional experience within it, to stop, breathe, and bring myself back here in awareness, listen to the sounds that are going on around me, listen to the people and see the people and the physical environment and in this not try to `escape` time by keeping myself occupied within the mind, but to be here in every moment and apply myself to be here in every moment because I realize that allowing myself to go into the mind and think about how long it is going to take to get the job done only creates the emotional experience of dread in which I then start to drag my body and affect my body with the negative energies which makes managing diabetes much more difficult and affects myself in my home life as well, in this I commit myself to stand equal and one with all the responsibilities that I have to do within the system life = look at the point, bring it here, and stand with it = not creating an emotional or energetic experience around the things that I have to do, but just do them with being here with myself.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Day 547 - Self-Limiting Thoughts Part 2

Continuing on from the last post where I was writing and describing how there is an experience of dread of myself and my life when there are constant responsibilities to take care of and an experience of dread due to the specifics of the life that I lead within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea and an experience around working 12hr night shifts on a continental schedule, where I have created this idea of it being too exhausting for myself, where I have created this perception of the time being too long for me do one thing for the entire stretch, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply be here with the body with every case that I pick up and place on the pallet, breathing and continuing on with each case, with each order, with each moment until the time of work is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the clock periodically throughout the time that I am working and project myself into when the next break is going to be and project myself into a `hopefulness` of getting to the next break or getting to the end of the day where I am waiting for and anticipating the next break or the end of the day and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of dread if the time does not match up with the time that I wanted it to be - like if I take a look at the clock and I am hoping for the time to be closer to the end of the day or closer to break than what it actually is; go into a resistance to continue with movement and change the experience of myself to that of dread that the time is not moving fast enough rather than seeing the time for what it is and remaining stable here with myself and continue moving within a pace that is comfortable for myself within that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the experience of myself based on time and based on what I want the time to be instead of standing equal and one with the time that is here and standing one and equal with the job that I have agreed to do for financial support and continue moving within a stable pace - not changing my experience or behaviour based on a want for reality to be something that it is not. In this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand equal with what is here within reality - like standing equal with the job that I need to do and equal with how much time it is going to take to go through the shift.

I commit myself to apply remaining stable while I am working, like if a thought comes up of dreading the time that it is going to take, to breathe in that moment and to not allow the experience of dread to exist within me, but breathe and continue on with working at a comfortable pace

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of hating or dreading the work that I do because of the rules and limitations within/as how it is that we work, and in this not want to be at work, not want to work with my full effort, but drag my feet and create a resistance and sluggishness within the body while I work, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to flag those emotions and points within myself while I work and push through them or apply forgiveness for the experiences that are coming up because I realize that they are not supportive of myself within the body - like they weigh down the body and create tension within the body which makes it more susceptible to physical damage and affects myself in the other areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread doing all the responsibilities that are needed to do within the system, more specifically, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a point of dread when/as I get home from work and there are multiple things that I need to get done within/as the system - like appointments or groceries or things like that, and accept thoughts of being too tired to do the things that I need to do and in this create an experience of dread within the things that I need to do then carry this over into my home life where I feel a dread for needing or having to do things that are not in line with being lazy or doing `nothing` which stems from the dread of `having` to work and then `having` to do more, you know, like dreading having to do more responsibilities after having getting done work, and in this, stress myself out over needing to do these things, rather than simply breathing, standing equal and one with the points that need to be done, bring myself here and walk them here with myself

I commit myself to when/as there are a lot of things that I need to do and I am in this experience of dread towards having to go do `another` thing, to breathe and remove this experience from myself because I realize that this experience of dread causes the body to be heavy and weighted down and influences myself in who I am in other areas and aspects of my life - therefore I commit myself to breathe and stand equal and one with what I need to do in a day or a week or in this lifetime and in standing equal and one, move myself within it/as it without reactions of `having` to or this feeling of dread for what needs to be done by me and what circumstances or situations I have to do them in.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Day 546 - Self Limiting Thoughts

In the previous post I was touching upon a point that is associated to this point of self-sabotage that has been opening up and it is in relation to emotions of lethargy and feeling lazy for most of the day and not moving myself and accepting a specific personality program of not doing anything which leads to not taking responsibility for myself, my direct reality, nor the entire reality within what is possible for me to walk responsibility within and this point is self limiting thoughts and creating an experience from/as/within those thoughts

So back home I work a 12hr night shift which in itself alone I tend to create this experience of it being dreadful, like I go into this experience of dread when entering work because I `know` I am there for 12 hours doing the same thing and I `know` that I am going to be going home, sleeping then going straight back to work once I wake up, so like even as I write this I can feel the experience of dread within the words - so that those are the thoughts that come up when I go into work or are on my work days, so in this I make the day a bit more difficult because within accepting those thoughts I create that experience of myself and therefore make moving the body within the job and making my performance within the job that much harder because I am also walking with the experience inside of the body which is going to slow down the body and make it sluggish. Obviously this is not the best position for me to be in within working cause I certainly make it harder for myself to work when I go into this experience of myself - and this is the point that I am talking about which is self-limiting.

These thoughts often occur during my life within work and within other tasks of responsibilities, like with the 12hr shift - on the night that I work that I have the next day off I usually have to do a few things in the morning - like system responsibilities because if I go home and I sleep - like I get off in the morning - then I lose out on the time that things are open for me to go do stuff, so on those days I am sometimes up for 24+ hours doing things in which like I would like to just sleep because of the 12hr shift is quite draining when/as I am in that experience of dread and even the work itself is physically exhausting and it can be doubly so working throughout the night when/as the specific hormones are activated during the night time - but in this I mean I can still see how I am excusing myself within this point - like accepting and allowing the point of working nights and the definition thereof to create this reaction of exhaustion and dread and laziness and the lack of taking responsibility for myself - because each time there is something else to do I really need to push myself to do it - like recently I had to work then go to a dentist appointment in the morning and so when I get home I am tired - either from the work or the experience of dread in which both are possibilities, and then I remember that I have to go to a dentist appointment as well and then within myself I go further into the experience of dread towards being responsible for setting up that appointment and needing to walk that point of responsibility and like it becomes quite exhausting to continue this process over and over again wherein when I get done everything I do not want to do anything else wherein I slide on the point of self-movement within points of responsibility online and for my own process.

This is something that I have been facing and working on for quite some time - like with my previous job it was basically the same thing - the same job as well - pick boxes and built a pallet for a store order which can be monotonous - and I've worked on simply being here with the body with each box that I pick, with each order that I do and simply moving myself and not allowing myself to go into that experience of dread and/or giving up, and so I know that it is possible - the only point that needs to be applied within myself is continuing the movement within it. Like I realized that I can stop that experience within myself when/as it comes up and maintain a consistent movement within the job so that I don't go into that experience of dread and then start to lazily drag my body around while I work and then do a subpar job. Like when/as the point of dread comes up within the thought of thinking about how long it will take to get the job done or thinking about the things that I need to do after the job - I simply remove that point and stand stable within myself and continue working without thinking about the future or how long it will take to get through the job - like I stand here, breathe, and stand equal with what it is that I have to do within the moment and do it with/as myself in self movement and self-responsibility.

This point plays out in many people's lives where we dread the experience of ourselves within work and this usually leads us into addictions or forms of escape from our lives, so that we may avoid and escape ourselves for a bit before we go back to work - and that is the same point within myself - looking for ways of escape to avoid ourselves within the points of responsibility and dread within work - I see this in many people as well in the environment that I work in - so again - this point is not necessary to go into - we deliberately go into this point within ourselves so that we can usually justify and excuse ourselves within certain actions/habits/addictions and then not take responsibility for our realities and make a change to our realities.

Like I stated this point is unnecessary to go into and these thoughts and experiences are quite limiting because we are not allowing ourselves to simply be here and do what is necessary via standing one and equal to that which we have to do - like take a breath and then move ourselves - so I will be continuing this point in the next post with self forgiveness on the thoughts and experiences that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Day 545 - Self-Honesty within Life Decisions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from the movements of morality and the thoughts that are moving around in the mind in which I feel that I am forcing myself to follow rules and limitations and the reactions therein within the thoughts and question for myself what it is that I am working towards and take another look at what it is that I am doing within this lifetime

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind when/as the reactions and thoughts of my life being forced upon me come up and trust the reactions as being real and `who I am` not realizing or see, nor allowing myself to take a step back from the reactions and answer for myself and stand equal and one with the answer of what it is that I am doing within this lifetime and what it is that I am working towards - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost myself within the reactions and have lost the `who I am` not realizing or seeing that, yes I have lost the `who I am` while believing the reactions and believing the thoughts, but in truth I have not really lost myself, all I need to do within those moments is take a step back from the reactions and understand what it is that I have taken responsibility for within this lifetime and what I have decided to walk and the realization of why I started to walk this process

I commit myself to not be so foolish when these thoughts and reactions come up within the mind, not be so foolish by basically blindly following the thoughts that are coming up in relation to not applying myself and/or feeling that process is a point that is separate from me - when really I am separating myself from process via accepting and allowing the belief and idea that my walking process is forced onto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into resistance towards writing and taking responsibility for myself within the world and within the direct reality around me, like allowing a specific energy to come up of laziness to direct and define who I will be or am rather than standing in the face of that energy and stating who I am within that moment and then walking into that point of the unknown and directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy of being lazy and when/as the point comes up to stop following the laziness energy via a thought to write or the fact that things are getting dirty and unmaintained so resist that point and dive deeper into the energy within/as deliberately not doing anything and then completely resisting moving myself

I commit myself to flag the energy that I go into on weekends, the energy of laziness and resistance to take a look at my world and be responsible for it, live responsibility within it so that it doesn't fall to shit lol - and when/as I see the energy come up where I start to become lazy and resistant to breathe and let go of the energy, remove thoughts, and in the breath start to direct myself, moving myself into the unknown territories of aspects and points of responsibility that I do not live when being lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this personality construct and this character construct of being lazy within my reality and within laziness comes the point of deliberate abdication of responsibility for myself and the world around me, direct and indirect, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of allowing myself to enter this personality program and also enter and participate in the specific energy associated to the personality, which means that when/as I ignore the consequences I allow myself to deliberately participate in the program and personality repeatedly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that participating in this personality system of laziness leads to me being quite emotionally despondent because I stir within myself, fighting with myself to not follow the program and to get up and take responsibility for myself, but as I accept the program and the personality and the energy I deliberately allow myself to resist and suppress the points in which I want to apply and improve and expand myself within, which then leads to me breaking my own trust as I deliberately allow myself to follow the program and the energy - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself deliberately allow myself to enter this personality and energy because of the fear of walking into the unknown within/as the aspect of living the point of responsibility for myself and applying it within the outside and inner world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and follow the belief within/as the energy of being lazy and not taking responsibility for my reality and my inner reality, like believe that being lazy and not taking responsibility is something that I want to do, not seeing or realizing that, in self honesty it is certainly something that I want to do….in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself in regards to deliberately allowing this program to come into me and live it within myself so that I `always` have something to work on and so that I do not step through the eye of the needle and walk into the unknown within/as absolutely living responsibility for myself and this world entirely

When/as I come home from work and I have a lot of time on my hands within/as the weekend and I am looking within myself about what I want to do and this point of being lazy and not cleaning or cooking or doing anything comes up within me along with the specific energy of `pleasure` from/as the acts of doing nothing, I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here and check myself within self-honesty, remove thoughts of/as justification or excusing the point, and also separate myself from the energy to give myself the opportunity to move myself within/as self-direction because I see and realize that being lazy and not taking responsibility is something that I do not want for myself = I do not want a messy house or an unkept room, I enjoy living in tidiness and cleanliness, and as well - I do not want to sit idly by while the world continues on the path that it is walking down - I enjoy giving a purpose to myself to move myself within the principle of living and applying and investigating what is best for all within a specific area of this world and of my direct life and so in this I realize and understand that being lazy is not something that I truly and honestly want for myself, it is something that I have used and manipulated myself into to consistently give myself something to apply myself within without actually taking responsibility for the point nor making the choice to transcend it - meaning I have accepted the point so I have something that I know to `move` through in order to manipulate myself to not in fact walk through the eye of the needle and live the point entirely and walk into the unknown

I commit myself to push through the excuses and justifications I have used to continue this system program and personality when/as they come up and to not simply accept them within a deliberate act to go into the program so that I don't take responsibility for my direct reality so that I have something `to do` when/as I walk out of the energy again - like seriously this has been a repeating pattern for quite some time and I understand it quite well yet I allow myself to walk into it to give myself something to move through and then in this I limit my expansion within investigating and living the point of responsibility for other areas of my life

There is another point associated to this and I will open it up within the next blog. Thank you for reading.