Day 338 - Depression and Home Environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed with myself each time that I walk into this environment, because within this environment, all the memories and attached physictical stimuli is where I have hidden myself and allowed the `worst` to come out within me, and thus each time I walk into this house alone, become depressed at what I have to live with as me - because all my `secret worst moments` I have locked away within the environment and the stimuli within/as the memories as I see the image of the (house) environment - and by creating depression within that one moment, which was validated through the image of myself in/as the memories associated to the environment not being happy or satisfied with myself but always still keeping secret and hiding the worst aspects of myself, want to hide from the image that I saw as me in the memories implanted throughout the years into the environment, wherein I allow myself to run and escape via abuse of myself and indulgence in self interest, because I apparently feel depressed for the image I see in the memories each time I walk into this house. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to uphold and maintain an image of myself of `the best possible me in that moment` - image wise, and not who I am as the best possible myself in each moment, forever attempting to maintain the best possible image of myself while remaining, in secret, keeping the memories that I have kept in which I am ashamed of, and bare to live with myself for; create illusory realities via the self interest and entertainment to escape and run from the memories, while maintaining the memories in my lives actions, alone, `in secret`, in which I've failed to realize there is no secret when it comes to life; consequences can always be traced back to the creator, meaning the input is possible to be found hell that we all experience day to day, considering more than just human life, but the hell that we are creating globally and has required a group effort between each human to create this hell, and forgiving myself for living as an image I am trying to uphold, and face the memories of the past in which I am attempting to avoid but cannot because I have allowed myself to create them and see them and not forgive them - allowing myself to become affected by that which I have not forgiven in myself.

via the output, because they equal each other, and thus the things that I've hidden of myself within/as the memories that I am ashamed of and have implanted within the physical image stimuli of this house environment I will have to face at death, or here now, in each breath, tracing back the memories of myself in/how I have accepted myself to live this way, with failing to see the responsibility that I hold as a human being to this earth, as an equal participant to this hell, equal participant in the creation of this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see the responsibility that I have to take upon myself as an equal participant in the creation of this hell that we are living in, and realize that this hell is not set in stone, this hell is our creation because we are a hell itself, and thus we need to create ourselves within the standing principle of living what is best for all, and within allowing myself to walk one and equal to the responsibility needed to live in a better world walk the point of responsibility for myself living here, and stop waiting/fucking around while I still believe the `end` is far away so I still have `time` to fuck around before the end comes too close and it is `too late`, not seeing understanding realizing that it most likely is already too late for ourselves as we are climbing deeper and deeper into this clusterfuck of a mess of ourselves without actually taking a look at what we are living in each moment in regards to concern and care for all life on this earth as equal participants in the support or destruction of this earth/ourselves, thus there is no point in attempting to hold onto the image of myself and there is a point to take a look at myself and the output that I have created which is here in this world shown to myself in every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand the responsibility that I have as a co-creator, co-participant of this world, and fail to see/realize/understand that if I am not living the point of responsibility for myself in my day to day living, I am not seeing what I require from myself to be responsible for this world, because if I did really see what it is going to require to birth heaven from this hell I would not fuck around in this lifetime and would immediately give up self interest to support creating a world that is best for all, and change myself into living what is best for all, and in seeing this responsibility, not allow myself to be affected by the memories that I have stored away in the physical imprint of the image of this environment and cause depression as the memories come back in one fell swoop each time I enter this environment, but would forgive myself in/as those memories for not seeing what is required of myself in living application to participate in birthing a world where the rights of life are honoured unconditionally between all species and races, in which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed, but in the shame not change, of the memories that I have hidden away within myself and the environment, but cannot hide from as I face them each time I am alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the memories in which I am ashamed of and forgive myself for holding onto them via emotions and feelings related to those memories, and forgive myself that I have not released myself from the memories via forgiveness for myself in/as them, realizing that they are no longer me, the memories are all but that - just a moment in the past and not real living here in each breath - the only thing that makes them `real` is my participation in them and the allowance from myself to be affected by the emotions and feelings that I have created towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep these memories of myself secret and locked away such as who I was within the participation in the memories - meaning that as I was alone and in secret, when I could be alone with myself I would allow the `secret` parts of myself to come out and live within/as the secrets of myself, the parts of myself that I do not show to the public, and in keeping them secret, keeping my acts secret, allow the shame unto myself build up within myself because I allow the memories to continue to remain secret and have not allowed myself to look at myself in/as the memories and apply effective self forgiveness for myself in/as them, but have only allowed myself to attempt to run away from the memories via self interest and attempting to create various personalities and characters of myself which I am `comfortable` with showing the public - putting on a face within the public and attempting to support an image that I want to be seen as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand equal and one with myself in/as the memories that I ashamed of myself within and forgive myself for the shame, forgive myself for feeling guilty, forgive myself for bearing a burden of keeping secrets within myself, and stand here with myself in/as the memories in each moment - meaning to be ok with the memories via forgiveness and corrective action/application of myself, and in this be able to face myself when I am alone as the memories hold no impact or affect upon myself as I am alone and can face myself and remain in breath in constant forgiveness of myself in/as the memories until I no longer gold onto them or hold any guilt or shame or fear about them being exposed/seen by others, and in this not needing to perpetually impress an image of myself onto others to impress others, but can stand here with myself infinitely, eternally, in each inhale and exhale in forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live within the responsibility that I see that I have unto myself for that which I have created as myself and stick to writing, investigation, patience and breath so that I am able to understand myself and walk through these limitations that I have accepted myself to live within which are the memories that I hold onto and continuously allow myself to be affected by, let go and move on in the realization of the responsibility needed by myself and each other within/as this world to create/birth a world that lives and regards the best living conditions for all life living here on this earth equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memories that I am ashamed of, and in this fear create personalities and characters in order to hide that which I am ashamed of within myself, and when seeing the memories react in the fear and run into self interest, run into distractions, run into avoidance of facing these memories of myself and run away from correcting them

I commit myself to practicing walking through the depression of/as the memories that I have connected to the environment here, and have connected to myself being alone, and in practice start applying myself more and more to walk myself out of this cluterfuck of a mess that I have created as myself to see what is actually here and to be here with life in breath and not in the mind in thought/emotion/feeling/memory

I commit myself to rededicating myself to walking practically this mess of myself that I have created via allowing memories that I am ashamed of affect me and to forgive them each time they arrive in breath and to, in time as I have wholly forgiven them, let them go and no longer allow myself to be affected by the emotions and feelings that I have connected to them and thus stop re-living the memories over and over again thus allowing myself to really recreate myself.

I commit myself to when/as I walk in this environment alone and the memories that I am ashamed of come up and want to hide from to stop and take a moment to myself bring myself here with myself alone and stand in forgiveness of myself in/as those memories and to not haunt myself within the memories or to allow the memories to haunt myself in which I've created different personalities to avoid and not haunt myself with - meaning create different personalities in different situations so that I can `be` something else instead of accepting of my past and standing in forgiveness of my past

I commit myself to practicing being here with myself alone, like really seeing myself here alone and not going into the mind in fantasy or imagination to avoid being here with myself and avoid facing myself here in this life that I have lived thus far, and see myself, direct myself, and walk with myself in/as forgiveness and correction

Day 337 - Depression and Home Environment

In the previous post I was taking a look at a memory of when I was in grade 5 and I wrote down that I wanted a new life as a wish, and as I was writing this down I was relating to memories of the unstable environment that I grew up in with an abusive mother and with fights between her, myself, and my sister.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of my mother yelling and screaming at myself and my sister when we were young, and to define the environment of the house that I am in by that memory wherein I then do not want to be here in awareness of myself in the environment because of the constant memory that I have placed upon the physical substance of the environment of the home, and not wanting to face the memory of myself disliking my home environment and defining myself and a part of the relationship with myself from that memory and environmental stimulus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take up self sabotaging patterns and acts when I am at home because I have not seen that I was influenced by this memory and that each time I would walk into the door to my home the memory would quickly activate and I would become depressed and look for ways to make myself feel better which has been more often than not self interest and self sabotage within self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memory of growing up in an unstable environment and the memory of my mother being abusive and the memory of myself being scared to live in that environment affect myself to this day, allowing the memory to define who I am within the household, and not myself allowing myself to be the directive principle of myself, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see past the veil of the memory of growing up in an abusive environment to see what is in fact here now and so that I can be able to direct myself here without the influence of the emotions of depression, apathy, lethargy in the home environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the memory of myself growing up in an unstable environment each time that I walk into the door to this household and immediately switch personalities due to the influence of the memory of growing up with an unstable parent and a fearful environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living in the environment here, fear allowing myself to express myself, because of the fear that has been engrained in myself from childhood where I feared living in the environment that I grew up in due to an unstable abusive parent, and felt like I must walk on eggshells to not set off my parent and cause my parent to become abusive towards myself or my sister

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in fear of expressing myself in my home environment because I fear setting off my parent into a reaction where my stability is questioned, where my safety is questioned, and in this fear feel depressed for living in this environment, feel unhappy for living in this environment because I've never allowed myself to express myself, whatever that may be at this point, because of the fear of setting off my parent into a reaction wherein they may create actions that will question my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my survival within the home environment and in this fear of my own survival, hold myself back from expressing myself, hinder and limit myself from expressing myself, thus creating a point of depression because I have held myself back, `walked on eggshells` in the home environment for much of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when feeling depressed because I am in this home environment where I am fearful of expressing myself and fearful for my survival due to being reliant on an unstable person as a parent, look for things and ways to make myself happy in which I've learnt and come to believe exists within self interest and within self interest, sabotaging myself, in points of responsibility that I've walked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing on my own and being absolutely independent from this home environment wherein I do not need to fear for my survival or `walk on eggshells` in order to survive, but in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that to consider what I will say and consider what I will do beforehand in the home environment to not purposely create conflict has a purpose and that I do not need to walk on eggshells` within fear, wherein within the fear I hold myself back from expressing myself, but I am able to consider what I am about to say/do and pick and choose what I will say/do to create an outcome that is best for all and when to `cut back` in order to keep a level of stability within the environment and not push too hard or far - and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am able to express myself for/as myself, and the expression of myself is not reliant or dependant upon another person - something that I have defined it within/as - and that the who I am is not dependent upon my parent, although it has been, but dependent simply upon myself and the decisions and choices that I make while I am living in this household

Day 336 - Depression and Lack of Self Care

This post is a continuation from yesterdays post Day 335 - Getting myself Back on Track and in this post I am going to specifically look at the point of stopping smoking and the relationship between stopping smoking and depression and living within self interest.

As I stated yesterday, when I quit smoking previously about a year and a half ago I went into the same spiral of self sabotage and lack of self care where I only wanted to entertain myself, masturbate, play video games, fuck around, and did not want to be responsible for myself, I left work quite frequently which is a point of responsibility for myself within the system, while I was at work I was quite depressed and that I was working and very very resistant to staying the full 8 hours, and if I had to I usually bought candy from one of the vending machines to `tie me over` throughout the 8 hours, - like creating some positivity within myself via consuming candy/sugar to avoid being aware of myself in the negativity that I was creating from my experience of myself within work and the experience of myself when I would be at home and the disappointment that was existent within myself at that time for what I was participating in. Recently I have been going through the same thing and the same factors was removed - smoking, and I was reliving the pattern that I was living a year ago - consuming candy, masturbating far too often, entertaining myself to avoid the experience of myself within negativity, the experience of myself being depressed and I sabotaged myself and harmed myself and I'm sure others through my actions while I was accepting myself within depression and not moving myself out of depression and accumulating guilt and regret each day for what I was allowing myself to participate in and it was built up to a point that I did not want to move at all and each day was accepting myself falling because of the depression, guilt, and regret for what I was doing. As a note - smoking for myself was a placement for smoking weed - when I quit smoking weed I picked up smoking cigarettes to place in for smoking weed so much of the relationship from smoking weed was transferred over to my relationship with smoking cigarettes.

I wrote this statement yesterday "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought of wanting to give up on myself because I am not happy with myself, accept myself sabotaging myself and essentially committing existential suicide as I give up all responsibility simply because I am unhappy with myself and my life, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look back in the past before I started smoking weed as I've realized that smoking cigarettes was in place for smoking weed and smoking weed was a suppressant for facing myself in depression - and in looking back then see where/when/how I decided to accept myself being depressed and not wanting my life"

The earliest memory I can recall about not enjoying my life and feeling depressed about it was when I was in grade 5 - so about 10 or 11 - and we had a task of creating a `book about me` where we would write down our favourite colour, animal, thing to do, about our friends etc, and at the last question that we had to answer in the assignment was , "if you had one wish, what would you wish for?" and I remember writing "A New Life". I wanted a new start to life, I saw my life as already fucked, as already a failure, as something that went wrong and would now forever be `wrong` or unenjoyable. When I wrote that I was looking at my life at home and my relationship to everything at my home life and how I disliked my home life, disliked my parent, disliked my relationship with my sister, disliked growing up in that environment, and I guess decided then that who I was within the relationship to my home was unhappy and depressed for living there and experiencing what I experienced while living at home. Now I cannot blame `home` or my parent or sibling for the experience of myself because as I was going through this same point a year and a half ago I was not living at home, I was living with a few other people and still felt the same way, still felt depressed, still regretted my decisions and actions, still felt disappointed in myself for the decisions I was making and it wasn't related to the `home` environment, but to myself within what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within - same goes for the past week where I am more disappointed and depressed for who I am, and not for what I experience due to the environment here at home - the experience I was creating was because of who I've accepted myself to be within negativity and depression, and this I created from the memory of my experience of myself at home - because as I am looking at myself writing the down that I wish I had a new life I am seeing that at that moment I was relating myself back to being hit when I was younger and the volatile environment that I experienced as I was growing up that most likely I created myself from/as and thus the who I am created the experience and the environment when I was growing up also assisted in creating the who I am and the experience relating to memory. So smoking weed was a suppressant for the experience of myself from the memory of myself growing up in the environment that I grew up in, which makes sense because I would always smoke weed when I was at home alone so that I could drift off within the mind and focus on something else than myself alone in the environment

I will take this up to here for today and continue on in the next post

Day 335 - Getting Myself Back on Track

I went though what I am `going through` when I quit smoking previously as well, and what I am going through is a downward spiral into a lack of responsibility for everything in my life, lack of responsibility for myself within my job, lack of responsibility for myself within school, lack of responsibility for myself within writing and stabilizing myself day to day, breath by breath, and in lieu of this responsibility I've gone into self interest, and have been deliberately making the choice to ignore my self responsibility and fuck around as I attempt to hold onto control and stability of my reality, meaning attempt to hold onto keeping myself working, hold onto motivation to continue studying and apply myself within school, to hold onto care for myself via writing and within diabetes as well, and in each of those things I have been slowly `slipping away` within and been progressively getting worse day by day when I do not make the choice to stand within myself for care and support of myself as life. I started to masturbate a lot more, I started to accept the thought of not wanting to write and giving into the resistance wherein I then entertain myself with `unsupportive` material - meaning I am not supportive within myself as I participate in the entertainment material and allow more influence to direct myself, I started to `waste away` when I would get home, like as I go to school or as I am working I am there doing the job that I need to do, and when I get home I drop everything and `fall apart` as I start to allow more and more thoughts regarding self sabotage, and deliberate self harm, only allowing this within the home because that is where I see it as `safe` to do so, and again these actions, these decisions have been getting worse, I have been getting worse by not stopping and by fearing looking at myself and seeing myself in what I've been doing to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make the choice to fall into a spiral of self sabotage and self harm and give up on myself and the responsibilities that I have given myself and have decided to walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to sabotage myself rather than to support myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to influence myself with energy by allowing myself to entertain myself and become influenced by media in which the situations and scenarios are based on drinking and/or partying which is similar to myself participating more so within masturbation and consuming sugar, and entertaining myself - not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am creating the influences myself by deciding to participate in such material and accept it as myself as I watch the material - relate to the material - and not allowing myself to see if from an objective standpoint to assist and support myself in seeing myself in my actions and decisions in the past week

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately fall `off track` by making choices based on self interest, and making the choice to follow self interest and indulge within desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that smoking for me was a subtle suppression of myself being depressed and from stopping smoking the depression has been coming out bit by bit and I have not seen that I have in fact been depressed and that is why I have been living as I have, searching for happiness within self interest to no avail, and only seeking happiness within self interest, creating a spiral as I live within self interest to attempt to be happy, but never in fact being happy because self interest does not make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought of wanting to give up on myself because I am not happy with myself, accept myself sabotaging myself and essentially committing existential suicide as I give up all responsibility simply because I am unhappy with myself and my life, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look back in the past before I started smoking weed as I've realized that smoking cigarettes was in place for smoking weed and smoking weed was a suppressant for facing myself in depression - and in looking back then see where/when/how I decided to accept myself being depressed and not wanting my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to make myself unhappy as I am depressed, meaning make the choices and decisions that I am aware make myself further disappointed and/or depressed in myself, allowing the cycle of negativity to continue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make more negativity as I feel negative myself, like making myself feel worse as I already feel bad or making other feel bad when I feel bad about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the cycle of negativity and depression and disappointment by making decisions that are self harming and self sabotaging wherein I then associate a negative experience and definition towards/within/as those decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the choice to walk myself out of depression by walking a point of responsibility and committing myself to that responsibility within one moment, meaning going to work and committing myself to staying at work - there are usually opportunities to leave my job early - for the full 8 hours and walk through any reactions that come up, breathe and continue to correct myself within/as the reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to sabotage myself instead of support myself via committing to a responsibility even if I am in a reactive mood, and commit myself to walk through the reactions and stabilize myself so that I stop reacting in negativity and sabotaging myself within the negativity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately choose to give up on myself and fall because I am unhappy with myself and my life - deciding to make things worse instead of practically apply myself to make things `better` from the perspective of care for myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to sabotage myself when I am unhappy with myself - only creating more reactions to the reaction of being unhappy with myself and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make the choice to assist and support myself out of the reactions of depression by pushing myself to make a choice that is in care of myself as life

Day 334 - Care for Myself within the Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demonize the mind, believing the mind to be evil, and in believing the mind to be evil or destructive or my `enemy` fight with myself within the mind as I allow myself to think and as I allow myself to participate in imagination, thought, imagery, beliefs, habits, desires, deriving from the mind, instead of doing myself a favour and caring for the mind equally to all other life by/as supporting myself within the mind and not allowing myself to go `rampant` within the mind and fuel desires and energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care for myself within the mind by allowing myself to create relationships within the mind that are not best for all, and to allow myself to continue to fuel those relationships by not walking or living responsibility for them as myself, wherein I allow those relationships that are not best for all to get `out of hand` and lose `control` over the mind wherein I become directed via the mind and thoughts instead of

the other way around wherein I decide what I participate within/as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that the mind is not a `demon` but can become a demon via the participant and the influence of the participant within the mind and the influence of the environmental factors on the participant within the mind, and thus it is not beneficial to, within fear, demonize the mind and fight myself within the mind, but to care for myself within/as the mind by not continuing to participate in the influences and forgiving myself for allowing and becoming the influences and finding out the source of the influence, the memory of the influence, and removing it from it's source, caring for the mind by/as forgiving and removing the influences that I have accepted as the occupant of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do an injustice to myself by allowing myself to further influence the mind by continuing to allow the influences that are presented within society and media to become that which I live without correction and without an effective understanding of them, only demonizing the influences and characters that I've become and lived as via the environmental stimulus, painting the characters, thoughts, habits, patterns, beliefs, ideas as `bad` and judging them as bad without understanding how they got there in the first place, without understanding how I became the beliefs, and in this demonizing of the mind, not care for the mind, which is saying that I am not caring for myself as the mind, and as I allow this separation from myself as the mind, go into self destructive patterns as I see no `way` out of the mind, and thus to destroy myself as the mind is the road that is walked when I cannot see a way out of the mind and see no improvement of stopping participation within the mind, thus not caring for the mind and not caring for myself to understand myself within the mind and understand how I've created the mind as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care for myself within the mind by stopping the influences as they arise within the mind as thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and in stopping this, separate myself from the experience of myself under the influence and start to investigate where the influence started to come from and forgive myself for allowing the influence to be the directive principle of myself instead of myself as life directing myself under/as/within the principle of living what is best for all life which would be not allowing the media influences to be the direction of myself, not allowing myself to be affected by what the media is attempting to push and create within society

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to destroy the mind and in wanting to destroy the mind end up destroying myself by/as not caring about what I am living within/as the mind because of the lack of care for myself within the mind, the lack of care for myself in general, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to care for myself as the mind, but demonize myself within the mind and only wanting to harm myself as the mind, only wanting to destroy myself as the mind, not realizing or seeing that I cannot `fight` the mind as the mind is myself at the moment, I can only forgive myself as the mind, forgive myself for participating within the mind and accepting and living out the environmental stimulus' that are not best for all, and to practically live solutions that are best for all by removing the stimulus and `blinders` that are the definitions of what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the mind and myself to be `free` without any effort without placing in the effort needed to stop myself from continuing to participate in the mind and to start to limit myself from participating in the mind and limit the mind from participating in energy, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put in the effort for the results that I would like to see for myself in/as my living and living in general

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that demonizing the mind only allows myself to separate myself from the responsibility I have for my own participation in the mind and only allows the systems that I have demonized to perpetuate because I am not looking at what the systems are, not looking at the thoughts or beliefs and where they come from, where the source of the belief is or the source of the thought is, but immediately attempting to deny and run away from myself within the mind by creating a demonizing the mind and fearing my own participation in it, fearing what I've created within/as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself within the mind by judging that which I participate in the mind as good or bad, creating a separation within the mind based on judgments of good or bad beliefs, good or bad ideas, good or bad thoughts, and in this demonizing the `bad` thoughts and revering the `good` thoughts or beliefs, not allowing myself to in fact see what it is that is going on within the mind, where the thoughts come from, what the source is, and forgiving the source, forgiving myself as the source, and walking the change that is needed -- in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revere certain thoughts while demonizing others, allowing myself to keep certain thoughts and run away from the other thoughts, attempting to deny the other thoughts by placing a negative judgment upon those thoughts, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove the judgement that I have of myself participating in the mind and really take a look at myself within the mind, really give myself the effort to investigate myself within the mind so that I can understand myself and become the direction of myself instead of being directed via the influences of the systems that I've created within the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe within the times that I have no care for myself, when I am deliberately harming myself due to a lack of self care, and in breathing to take a look at what I am in fact doing to myself, and make a stable decision on whether or not to continue in the pattern of harming myself or to forgive myself for harming myself and move one from there

Day 333 - Care for Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly and deliberately decide to not care for my health, not care for my mental well being, not care for my physical stability and mental stability, not care for the body by deciding to participate in the actions that I am aware are detrimental to my physical and mental well being, and to deliberately put off responsibility for self interest which has been clearly shown to myself that it does not assist or support myself in my physical stability nor mental stability, it in fact creates the opposite as I start to look for more energy to fuel the self interested desire, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that how I am treating myself is how I will be treating others and in this moment I have neglected to treat and give myself respect, care, and a dignified life, and I will thus give this to others in life as what I accept and allow within myself I accept and allow within the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to walk through the patterns of self sabotage and self interest to bring myself to a constant and consistent living statement of self support and self care of who I am as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and sabotage myself or go into desire wherein I can escape for a while from the stresses and pressures that I am placing on myself to succeed or to do this or do that, when things are not going my way within the stresses and pressures that I place on myself, not seeing/realizing/understanding that the energy that I am placing within the stress and pressure is released then through the desire whereI escape the nagging that I put on myself constantly, and allow the energy accumulated within the stress to `evaporate` although still causing harm to my body through allowing the stress to exist in the first place, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question of what I really want to place my time and effort towards, what I really want to put in effort for within this life that I have, what I really want to use this life that I have for, and what I can use it for that will be the best outcome for myself and all within this world, but to instead walk blindly within the stresses and pressures that I am placing within myself believing that this is how life must be and this is how I must react to situations wherein I am stressed and pressured to `perform` or to `keep up to standards` that I have of myself instead of standing with myself here in this moment and walking who I am within a moment, meaning walk with who I am within a moment without preconcieved expectations or idealisms about what or who I should be living, and be here with myself within who I am understanding who I am and how I can move myself to living absolute care for myself and giving myself a life of dignity so that I can support others in doing so as well, because at the moment I am not giving that to myself so it is impossible for myself to give that to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of who I have accepted myself has via letting go and stopping the constant cycle of thoughts that I have and changing the thought pattern to stop sabotaging myself by/as falling into the cykill of emotions and feelings generated by accepting a thought as myself, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to care for myself by/as stopping myself from continuing to participate in the mind and stand up to myself within the mind, stand up as myself within the mind and work on stopping participation in thoughts and seeing what is here right in front of myself as the physical world and start focusing on the physical world instead of the mental world that has been artificially created by myself and the influences of media and past memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about walking process wherein I allow myself to willingly participate in the mind and accept thoughts as myself, not realizing or questioning the nature of the thoughts or the starting point of the thoughts or the origin of the thoughts, but blindly accept them as myself, allowing myself to fall into a spiral of energy without direction as I am not directing myself within the mind, I am allowing the mind to direct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care for myself by allowing myself to accept the thought of not wanting to take care of my health, of myself within the mind, of the physical responsibilities that I have, and to rather participate in self interest wherein I sabotage that which I am walking, I sabotage the health of myself, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that the mind is a tool that can be programmed and the body is a tool that can be programmed and has been programmed by myself as the operator via influences from this life and that these influences have not been in consideration of what is best for all and thus as I accept myself participating in the mind without awareness of myself participating in the mind I am acceptign myself living within a system/program that is not what is best for all, thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the awareness needed within the mind to place a guard over thoughts, to stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts for entertainment or to simply pass the time, and to not look at the physical world that is here in front of myself and participate here with the physical world with/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate care for myself through participating in the mind more often than I have given myself time to be here with myself in the physical in breath with touch with movement with sense, and in this have neglected sense, neglected touch, neglected breath, neglected my life by allowing myself to value the mind and the thoughts and the imagination more than the physical which gives life, which is life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to give myself the time to be here with myself by stopping participating in the mind, giving myself the `time`, giving myself the moment to be here with myself in the physical without thoughts or conflicting ideas going on within the mind and where I can simply be here with the physical where things are much `easier` per se, where things just are, there is no need to contemplate about right/wrong, good/bad, they simply are just here as physicality…I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here with myself in physicality - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself t spend more time within the mental world, thinking, idealizing, fantasizing, imagining, creating ideas, opinions, beliefs about the physical, instead of finding out really what the physical is by looking at it and participating with it as it, meaning I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas about the physical reality wherein as I look at the physical I only see the idealization or the imagining of the physical reality that is right here in front of myself instead of seeing the real physical structure that is here in front of myself that has no idealization to it, to belief structure attached to it, it simply is physical structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate care of myself by allowing myself to not invest the time needed into such things as studying to birth a result that assists and supports myself further moving within the system and/or understanding the system that is here, but to instead spend time, use time to fuel my addiction to energy by viewing images in which I allow or create a release of dopamine via viewing the images or playing games where I stimulate a similar response where I secrete `feel good chemicals` within the body so simply I can feel good about this life, while I am in fact sabotaging my life by not investing the time I need to invest to give myself the grades needed to move further within education nor investing the time and effort needed into self investigation so that I can further understand myself and how I operate and function, nor give the time and effort needed to take care of myself within the mind and assist and support myself bringing myself grounding myself by literally placing myself back within the physical body and feel the physical instead of fantasizing within the mind

More on this in the Next Post

Day 332 - Motivation and Hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become immobile when/as I see or believe that there is no hope for myself, no hope in getting the grades that I need within school, no hope to understand myself intimately, no hope for myself walking out of the self destructive patterns, in this only relying on hope to move myself, only relying on a projection of success, or a `hype` about myself that I am walking with effectiveness in order to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move from the starting point of hope where within hope I give myself a positive outlook on life, that what my life will turn out to be will be positive, will be `ok`, and only when I feel this way or have this outlook decide to move myself within school, within care for my health, within any responsibility that I have at in a moment instead of moving myself unconditionally for/as myself regarding self respect, integrity, and giving myself a life of dignity via respect and integrity for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver and give up on myself when I see that there is no hope for myself to move past the patterns that I have created for myself, which is only a fear of letting go of the patterns, only a fear of changing, only a fear of making the decision within myself to put an end to the patterns, stand up within myself and no longer accept myself sabotaging myself via becoming immobile within responsibilities and giving up when I see that there is no hope, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when/as I see no hope, or no `positive` outlook upon my movements or actions instead of seeing what/where I am `steering` myself wrong - not from the perspective of moving myself into a positive outlook again, but understanding where I went wrong within the starting point of hope, where I went wrong in not practically considering the physical needs and requirements of myself to move within/as the responsibilities that I have given myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on hope to move myself, rely on a positive outlook for the future of myself in order to decide within myself that I want to move myself, that I want to care for myself, instead of doing this unconditionally because of a decision from/as myself to care for myself no matter the outlook or outcome, in this creating the outcome via deciding to care for myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself if I find `no hope` to exist within what I am walking and what I am doing with myself in this lifetime and within this `no hope` deliberately decide to fuck around in this lifetime, deliberately decide to sabotage myself within what I am walking because I see no hope and thus no point to continue walking what I am walking instead of simply continuing to walk support of myself as life unconditionally within what I am living/participating in and continue to walk points of self responsibility for creating a `life worth living` instead of destroying the life that I have within the perspective of having no hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and in the fear of failure believe that since there is no hope in succeeding there is no point in trying or continuing within what I am walking, give up in the fear of failing if I continue, not seeing/understanding or realizing that I've placed myself within a mind fuck because within giving up I am sabotaging myself and within the nature that I've accepted within giving up I `spiral` down within self sabotage and self destruction, causing much harm to myself within the fear of failure and the belief that there is no hope for myself succeeding within that which I am walking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no hope for myself and to as well believe that there is hope for myself, instead of walking these points of responsibility unconditionally for/as myself, not for the point of success or validation of myself as a human, but simply for myself as a gift to myself in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly give up on myself because I believe and perceive that there is no hope for myself In continuing walking points of responsibility, no point in being responsible, no point in moving myself because it will end up as `worthless` in the end, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the worth that I give myself within walking points of responsibility is not defined by/as the perception of success or failure, but by the quality of life that I give myself via walking points of responsibility to further place myself within this system and to further understand how I operate and function and how this world operates and functions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start myself moving within responsibilities from/as a point of success, from/as a expectation of success, expectation of value at the end of walking the responsibility, value that is not of life, value that is based on egoism, based on materialistic value, not value based on the quality of life that I give myself and/or can give to others, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk points of responsibility for/as myself in/as the decision for myself to give a gift to myself of/as responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that whether or not I `succeed` within a responsibility is not the value that is available within the responsibility, it is the fact that I moved within a responsibility and placed my effort into/as the responsibility as myself for myself, not living from a expectation of reward via walking the responsibility, and thus the reward being a gift to myself of/as commitment and dedication for myself to push through resistances and barriers to see what is possible of/as an outcome within walking the responsibility and creating an outcome that is best for all by/as considering all within the scenario and walking within awareness of all that is involved within the relationships of/as the responsibility and in awareness, put in my entire effort to create an outcome where all that are involved within the responsibility receive an outcome that is best for them as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, through hoping, to put off responsibility until a later time when I am more `willing` to work on the responsibility allowing myself to exist in a moment of `failure` within the moment of decision to put off the responsibility, and in this believe that there is no hope for myself in moving within points of responsibility due to this lackadaisical movement of myself, not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am simply fearing letting go of self interest within the moment in order to walk responsibility here in the moment

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to move out of the point of hope for success within responsibilities and restructure myself in my starting point of responsibilities to walk them for me, as a gift to myself, and when/as I feel that there is no hope for myself within walking a point of responsibility look at what I am placing no hope within/as, check if there is a fear of myself letting go of self interest, and clearly look at what it will physically take for myself to walk the point of responsibility into completion and for myself to give my best effort within/as the responsibility

I commit myself to quit looking for hope within my actions, quit looking for a point within the future that I can look forward to and base my movements off of, and to thus place myself here within what is here within one breath, and simply walk the point here without expectation of success and/or fear of failure within the future, and if there is a need, to evaluate what I am walking and myself in/as the walking to either decide to let the responsibility go, or to restructure myself to better accommodate the responsibility and better accommodate myself within the responsibility

I commit myself to when/as I have hope for myself or expectations of myself within walking a responsibility and I am noticing that they are becoming a hindrance of myself effectively seeing and walking a point of responsibility to breathe, forgive myself for the expectations, and look at what I am walking and my starting point of the decision to walk what I am walking and restructure that decision for myself as a decision from/as myself for myself

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by believing that there is no hope for myself within walking responsibilities and to accordingly remove hope from myself walking responsibilities, and simply make the decision for myself to walk responsibility when/as the decision comes, and to unconditionally walk the responsibility for myself without expectation of success or reward for myself walking the responsibility, in this giving a gift to myself of/as responsibility.