Saturday, November 14, 2015

Day 581 - Learning to Problem Solve within Groups

Within my previous blog I was looking at who I am within groups and the point of survival interlaced within our actions to the extent that we cannot truly express ourselves, or rather hold our true expression back from other people because of that dynamic of fear that persuades us to behave and act a certain way; a way that we see fit to please other people within the group that we live within and to not cause conflict - this usually rising to an extent that we've suppressed ourselves so much that we build up this emotional point within ourselves and `break down` or lash out on people rather than simply expressing the point within the first place, and this is something that I have done within my life for the most part, save for the lashing out part. Instead of allowing myself to lash out within the suppression I have commonly just ended the relationship previously, so that I would not need to deal with the suppression or deal with the person or myself within the suppression, you know, because I would not allow myself to express myself within the points that were bothering me. This is what I started to do here in this household with my roommates, and I do see how it does lead to this point of lashing out and like creating a rift within relationships - it is simply the point of not expressing it and then having all that suppressed expression come forth within one moment and thus creating conflict rather than addressing the point immediately and without reaction.

So within the past few weeks of noticing this point and working on this point I have started to become more vocal with addressing the issues that were bugging me, primarily the condition of the cleanliness of the kitchen. Previously I would just allow them to do their thing, create messes and clean up when it suits then, but all the while I would suppress that point of wanting the kitchen to be clean and wanting a nice place to cook and to not have to deal with other people's dishes in my way when I would want to cook, and within this point of suppression I would allow myself to then create judgments and create this internal friction within myself and the other person because I wanted those things to be noticed and addressed without me saying anything, which doesn't work at all, because they are simply going to continue with their habits, because they are none the wiser to the internal friction that I am creating within myself. This suppression is due to the fear of survival - so like when I would have this point come up within myself, when I would like the kitchen to be clean I would go into this fear of conflict within myself, fear of saying something in the `wrong` way because I was reacting within myself in those moments and basically not trust myself to direct the point without the reaction, and then the point of suppression comes up soon thereafter.

What I have been working on in the past week is allowing myself to express this point without the fear, without the fear of making someone angry or the fear of feelings becoming hurt or ego becoming hurt because, I mean that is simply the projection of myself into another person, and so like when there has been dishes left out for a few days or something like that that still have yet to be clean or dishes strewn around the kitchen…I am bad for this as well with a lot of coffee cups being left around, I have allowed myself to address it immediately without the point of fear of conflict coming up, meaning that when there is that dish there and the dude who is responsible is within immediate proximity I simply shout out to him to if he is right there in front of me to simply say it to him immediately, like these pots have been here for 3 days now, just get to them already, and for the most part it has been working, and also what I have noticed is that the `break` in the relationship is less as well, meaning that since I do not hold it within myself against the person and let it out immediately then there are no reactions held against that person. Like there was a pumpkin that was left out for like a month and a half and it was becoming quite rotten and the other roommate and I were talking about the pumpkin with the dude responsible for it and he said that her was going to take care of it soon, but it didn’t happen - so when we was outside right by the pumpkin I simply pointed at it and it was dealt with after that, so there were like 2 ways that I could have approached that and the one would be suppressing that point and allowing irritation to build up and/or anger build up within myself as I expect him to deal with it himself without being asked to, or to simply direct it within the moment that I did.

I do see that there are a few more points for me to work on within this point because I do see that there is a subtle point of irritation coming up within myself when looking at these points, and I see that it is in relation to the point of expectation that they will handle it themselves and expecting them to do so, which isn't always going to happen - some people need to be directed within a particular point and/or reminded of a particular point, just like everyone within process - if other people weren't there giving us perspectives and help on particular points then we may not see some things or give ourselves that push to change the point, so I will look at this point in the coming weeks, changing this point of reaction of expectation into a point of support for another person in a point of showing a person the point….and within this making sure that I am absolutely clear within the point of direction.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Day 580 - Survival Within Groups

I have been watching this show called naked and afraid which is about these 12 individuals who attempt to survive within the jungles of Colombia for 40 days without clothing. Since this is a reality show they always have this moment where they speak directly into the camera sharing themselves within what they are experiencing within a specific moment and I have been noticing a peculiar point coming up within me. As they are talking into the camera within the `share yourself` scene they share themselves within a specific way, in an honest way, like you can see their expression quite easily when they are in front of that camera, and then when the scene changes to them within a group their entire expression changes as well, like they are not as direct with themselves as they are when in front of the `share yourself` scene, and they present these types of characters and personalities in which they embody as a point of relation to their partners or team members for the survival.

So I have been noticing this point coming up within me of asking and questioning why they need to hide themselves so much around the other people and why can't they be as direct and honest with the other people as they are within themselves.

This point is not about the other people but about myself as I am basically questioning myself within the same dynamics. Like I often find myself embodying personalities and personas in order to, lol, survive within the social system, you know like not allowing myself to be as direct with them as I am with myself and not allowing myself to express myself within this state of comfort and `naturalness` as I do with myself. So what I have been looking at within myself is this point of fear and survival in relation to the social system, which is quite a cool point because within the show the most difficult point that opened up within the survival system were the dynamics between the people and between the groups wherein they could not express themselves within a point of comfort and honesty with themselves or with other people to come to a conclusion of living within a point that is best for all - there were always like these fears of hurting other people's feeling and holding themselves back out of fear of creating conflict of things like that, and for the most part, I have found the exact same structure within myself; meaning not allowing myself to express myself within this point of comfort within the reality around me because of this point of fear of the social structure and the fear of hurting other people's feeling or a fear of creating conflict and thus I suppress and hold myself back when communicating with the people around me.

This point of fearing conflict has existed within me for quite some time and it has been a point that I have been suppressing myself within and not allowing myself to express myself within a point of comfort, and for the most part I have gone into such a point of suppression that I then cut myself off from the relationships because I `felt` as if I could not be myself within the dynamics of the group and have thus then been a person who has preferred time with myself and have been anti-social because, primarily, I have not been true to myself around others. The fear of conflict and the fear of expressing what is going on within myself has been a point that I have allowed within myself to hold myself back within expression, and thus have not allowed myself to be honest with myself while around other people = dawning these masks of personalities in order to fit in to survive rather than to express myself in honesty with myself.

Within the next blog I am going to look further into this point, you know, like start giving myself more awareness of when I am in those moments of suppression when in groups and when I am hiding myself or fearing things coming up, so that I can gather more material to this point and then apply Self forgiveness accordingly.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Day 579 - Self Forgiveness on Stress, Work and `Me Time`

Within the last post I was writing about work and wanting my time and within this point of self interest creating the point of stress as I stress to get home so that I can have this `me` time, so within this post I will be writing self forgiveness on those points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ahead of myself while driving home from work in relation to what it is that I also need to get done when I get home, and within this also set a point of time according to what I need to get done when I get home and within this whole process within the mind, separate myself from being here with the body and with myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from awareness of myself and my surroundings as I think about what I have to do when I get home and create a point of projection in which I then lose awareness of myself within the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this state of wanting myself to already be perfect at the job that I am learning because I have previous experience, but within this not taking note of the differences between the warehouses that I need to still learn, and thus creating a point of expectation into myself in which I am going to lose awareness of myself while I am working as I am creating this expectation and trying to force my body into that expectation rather than listening to the body and moving within what I am capable within at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want this point of `me` time in which I then stress about needing to `give` up more time in order to get done the things that I need to get done, like cooking or grocery shopping, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe and simply bring myself back here and focus on what needs to be done, giving up my time or giving up the idea of wanting my time in order to do what needs to be done, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto the idea of my time and in this create more stress and frustration for myself as I walk throughout life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe and remain within breath while driving, considering the other drivers, the weather, the amount of people etc, in relation to reality and not simply what I would like for myself in relation to the outcome of the traffic etc, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these expectations of what I am going to go through, and when things do not work according to plan to then go into that state of stress rather than being flexible within the situations of this world like traffic and work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even create this point of `need` to do things, and in this point of `need` create this point of stress within the word need, and in this not listen to the body and what it is capable of within each moment to moment and in this pay attention to the body, rather than the mind within the thoughts of what I `need` to do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that the time that I want for `me` isn't even for me because all I do with that time is entertain the mind and what I really need is that me time, that awareness of myself with breathing and the physical body and some time for me to reflect with myself and to simply be here with myself and not lost in the mind with entertainment or other things such as that, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into and accept the illusion of `my time` when there is no such thing existent, and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up the illusion of `my time` and in this simply breathe and give up my time and myself for whatever needs to be done within a moment and also give myself back to myself within this point of `time`, allowing myself to bring myself back to awareness within the time that I have to spare and give that point of relaxation and restfulness to myself simply through being here with myself

I commit myself to let go of this idea of `my time` and allow myself to be here with myself in the physical as I am going about my day, giving myself attention and care to the physical body and applying myself to better listen to the body and it's needs and not stress or push myself too hard or too much when the body needs rest or when I simply need some down time with myself

I commit myself to letting go of the stress included within the idea of `my time` and allowing myself to become more flexible within the variations of this world and society and within this allow myself to breathe when the variations come up so that I can adjust myself with them

I commit myself to letting go of wanting to be perfect within the job that I have gotten and within this pay more attention to the body, how I am lifting things, how fast I can move within the new muscle movements that I need to do and walk with the body as we both process the information within the new job.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Day 578 - Stress, Negative Mind Set and Self Interest

I am going to continue with this point of stress and laziness and resistance that I have been writing about because it is a predominant point within my life at the moment and one that needs directing as I write it out within the blogs.

So now that I have started a new job there are stresses that are coming up in relation to time and in relation to how much stuff that I need to get done within a day and all the points that need addressing within my life, such as eating and cooking and making lunches and the drive so getting fuel as well, so what I have been facing within my days have become a stress because, from what I've been looking at, I am more so within the mind and thinking about and making plans for the next thing that I am going to do rather than being here within the moment. For one example there was a lot of traffic one day and I had planned to go to the grocery store on the way home before I had something set for the time after that. Calculating the drive home and the time that I left I saw that I had that amount of time to get those points done, but then I hit traffic and traffic was a crawl for the better part of the way home. So while I was stuck in traffic there were thoughts running around regarding when will the traffic end and get back to a flow that accords with the time that I have set up for myself, and thinking about what I need to do when I get home and then stressing about now having enough time now that traffic has caused a loss of time, and basically all these thoughts running around were creating that stress within me.

I saw a few moments within the traffic where I could place myself within my body, be here and traffic and accept the traffic for what it was, and thus not allow myself to go into the future planning and projection and create stresses about the time that I had to do things or the time that I was losing, so I do see that as the solution here. Not allowing myself to go into the mind and plan about what it is that I am going to do within the future and within time, but to allow myself to be here with myself without any plans or projections of the future, be it far in the future or in the immediate future.

I allowed myself to participate in the want of traffic to become less so much that when I got home I was still within the state of stress and basically had to wait for myself to lay down on the bed and relax within myself, which isn't the best wau to handle the point of stress because it does have effects on the body and on the mind wherein I am frustrated within myself and annoyed within myself, and it would have been better for me to let go of the want for time to flow `my way` and then breathe and allow myself to be here with the ebb and flow of traffic the way it was and not within the mind within the way I wanted it to be.

The point of stress within the job is also a point for me to face. Even though the job is a job that I have done before, there are different machines and a different system and a different layout of the warehouse that I need to get used to, and as I started off on my first order I Was finding that I was struggling to get used to these things, like I wasn't as I expected myself to be which was already competent with the job and I was already rushing myself within the job even though I have a lot of time to get used to the job and perfect the differences that exist within the warehouse. Again I saw that there was this moment within the job that I saw that Iw as rushing, I saw that I was trying to make myself effective even before I actually knew what it was that I was doing, and thus that created the stress as well. There were also points of creating this negative mind set within myself because of the amount of time that I need to work and the little break time that we get, so within that I have been stressing about food intake and management of diabetes, so like this point of stress has been coming up more and more and simply the solution to this point is breath. Breathing allows me to bring myself back here and focus on what is here right in front of me and gives me more time to process the information that I need to get used to within the job, and within the point of traffic the point of breath allowed me to process the information that was here and keep me away from more thinking and overloading myself with more information that was necessary.

Within the next blog I am going to write SF on the points that I hadn't applied within the point of traffic and within the point of working, and overall on the point of breathing and applying myself within breathing - listening to the body and directing myself from the body when such instances come about, because I mean within the points I was trying to direct myself from the mind within thinking about what I needed to do next or within a previous idea of myself within the work within the warehouse, but as I apply myself within breath, I remove those points of future projections and the ideas of myself within the warehouse and I can simply be here breathing with the body and direct myself from the body.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Day 577 - Laziness and Negative Experiences

Before I continue on with my last post, regarding comfort and my expression within my environment I am going to write about the last point that I was working on previously - the laziness and the resistance and the self interest.

So today was a stressful day for me. I had no sleep last night and I had orientation at a new job that I am starting for quite a few hours today. And then on the drive home there was quite a downpour of rain on the highway which made driving pretty dangerous for the better part of the commute. So when I got home I was within this state within myself of not wanting to do anything, I was stressed and going into that negative experience and allowing that experience to dictate and direct my actions. I got home was pretty damn tired and was still within the state of the negative experience from the thoughts running around within the mind of being too tired to carry on or to work on any responsibilities, and also the thoughts about the stress, so like the experience of that negativity was creating this point within me of resistance and laziness because what I started to embark on when I got home was watching videos and entertaining myself with media, you know like rather than sleeping or rather than breathing and getting myself out of that state of of negativity. I eventually did take a nap and when I woke up I was still within that state of laziness and within that state of negativity in relation to playing back the memories of the day's events, so like I wasn't letting it go and then I was going back into the same pattern of watching videos and going into that state of resistance because I was within that negative state within myself. Only through interaction with my girlfriend did I bring myself out of that point because the interaction was a point of positivity for me.

So the point that I want to get at is that I allow the negative experience to dictate my actions and decide for me what it is that I am going to participate in and also I wasn't letting it go either - I was playing it over within the mind and then allowing myself to sink into that experience rather than direct it via breathing and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed stress to dictate who I am within my day and within my choices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the negative experience within the day rather than to breathe when/as I see the experience accumulating and then give direction to the experience and to myself within the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a point of positivity within my immediate reality when/as I experience a point of negativity such as stress or anxiety, in this ot allowing myself to direct the experience nor myself within the experience but actually perpetuating the experience because it is still running around in the background without removing it from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore negative experiences that come up within the mind rather than directing them, like trying to alleviate the negative experience by forcing a positive experience into me in which I can ignore the negative experience for some time, but within this also allowing myself to become reliant on that positive experience, to rely on watching videos or series for the day because as I go into that point the negative experience is still revolving within that background and as soon as I stop the positive experience the negative experience is still remaining thus putting myself into a cycle because of not directing the negative experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a positive experience to get me out of the negative experience so that I can again breathe and be here and have that `motivation` or `will` within myself to embark on any point of responsibility that I have within the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a point of energy, on a point of positive energy to create that movement or that willingness within myself to move within points of responsibility that I have within the day or within the things that simply need to get down around the house or the things that I need to do for myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed my movement to be based on a point of simply giving to myself unconditionally, meaning doesn't matter if there is a negative experience moving within me, I still need to cook and clean to give myself sustenance for the day and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my movement based on experiences within myself, based on negative experience moving within me, rather than taking that breath within myself and bringing myself back here out of the experience and doing what I need to do for myself as life and for life

When/as I go into a point of stress for a while and I see that the experience is `taking me over` for a bit, to then allow myself the time to myself to simply sit with myself free from distractions and apply self forgiveness on the experience and to also just breathe and let go of the thoughts circling within the mind that continue to bring up that negative experience and then as I bring myself back here with myself to then relax and release myself and then get up and do what needs to be done and give myself that will and that movement coming from a starting point of myself

I commit myself to pay more attention to when/as I go into this point of laziness and resistance and self interest when I have a point of negativity running within me and I do not want to face it, and to then, let go of the self interest and the distractions and give myself the time to myself to then direct the experience and direct myself within the experience, breathe and bring myself back here to physical awareness and to self movement and self direction.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Day 576 - How Expectations Change Our Expression

Recently I have been finding that I haven't been less expressive in the environment around me. I have been wanting to have manifest this idea of this point of comfortable expression within my environment, you know, like an environment where we can open up all points that exist within each other and we can come to solutions - you know like a point of intimacy among individuals where we know each other well and thus can support each other and come to a single mind set to support each other within the environment, but I have only been wanting that and having this idea circulate within my mind without any actual action into the proposal that I had within myself.

This point also had/has layers of fear within the design of the idea and the projection. Like there is a fear of expressing myself how I would like within this reality and being real with the people around me, fear of coming out of my shell so to speak, and like since that fear has been coming up I have been becoming more and more reclusive within my reality all the while still searching for that point of expression and comfort.

Through talking with someone about this point she allowed me to see the point of fear and also how the point of comparing the current environment with the one that I would like to create was creating this point of sadness within me, and this point of allowing myself to be reclusive. So once I saw that point within myself I applied sf on the point of comparison and looked at simply being here with myself and not looking for a specific expression or a specific response from the people around me, but being here with myself and them within each moment and then seeing their responses within real time and then allowing myself to express the way that I would also like in relation to their words.

I have also been seeing this point of judgment coming up, but that judgment is also coming from the comparison that I've been holding onto within the idea of what it means to be expressive within ones environment, this still comes up from time to time as I want to have this specific expression in the immediate reality, so it is a point to continue to work on and also a point to not fear - like I was fearing this point of the intimacy and sharing myself, and that was creating a lot of the reclusiveness, and I now see that within releasing the point of expectancy of how I should be expressing myself or how I would like the immediate reality to express itself that the intimacy comes up naturally, like it is a point of expression of myself within the moment.

So here there are a few realisations that I would like to share. The first being that as we expect our realities to behave and become a specific way within an idea or expectation that we have infused in our minds that we then start to feel uncomfortable as we expect our realities to behave in the way that we have projected in order to create that comfort - like that was the point that I was looking for - that point of comfort within intimacy within sharing and thus then not finding that point I started to feel uncomfortable within my reality. So as we release that expectation of our realities or the people within our reality then we are able to be here in real time moments with the people around us and also within ourselves and thus we express ourselves from a starting point of being here within ourselves rather than a point of separation within/as looking - so rather than looking we become the point of living the expression that we're looking for and thus we give to ourselves what we look for.

There is still more movement and expansion that I am able to apply within this point because I still see the fears coming up every now and then and I see the reclusiveness still, or like I see the point of biting my tongue out of fear of the reaction, so within this I am not expressing myself absolutely unconditionally, I am still holding onto those expectations without expressing them within myself to create that point that I would like to live, but in this I also see that I need to consider other peoples' minds and where they are at within themselves and approach this point not from a starting point of projection or ideas, but again as a point of `natural` expression, so meaning no previous thinking or `planning` about it, speak it when/as the moment comes up. I will be sharing Self Forgiveness on this point in the next blog. Thanks

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Day 575 - What if Money Wasn't God

I had a conversation with a few of my former colleagues when one asked what would you do if money was not an option, like if we didn't need to work for our survival - if our own survival was a guaranteed human right. I answered that I would most likely live on a communal farm, something that I do enjoy - living with other people and working to benefit the immediate surrounds of our lives. They both answered the same which kinda surprised me, because I thought that one of them would have answered, like have a lot of cars or go towards the materialistic route, but no, we all agreed that we would live the farm life, growing our own food and sustaining ourselves. That was my answer then but I would like to add a few details to my answer.

If money was no object, if it didn't dictate our every decision and move within this world I would still decide to live on a communal farm, deciding to live with people of a similar mind set, which, without the stresses of money, I'm sure many would start to see the same way. Without the constant need for an income, where an income was unconditionally provided so that we may live on this Earth such as the animals, fungi, and bacteria do = the live without needing to pay a fee for their existence such as humans do - humans would start to lose the stress within their lives, I'm sure of it, money is a large factor for stress because it limits movement to such a degree that we stress about having enough money to move ourselves within our preferences in/as how we would live. So without the stresses of having money I'm sure many people would relax within themselves, I would within myself, I would no longer worry or fret about having enough money to provide myself with the necessities of life, a car, internet, a shelter, phone etc - because within this time and age even things such as internet have become a necessity for life - it is how the world is able to stay connected at rate which we have not previously seen as humans. So without stress and the ability to truly relax within ourselves we would be able to see beyond our immediate needs and start to consider others' needs, start to consider how we can then expand ourselves within this world and expand the world to be a utopia of sorts.

I would also like to educate myself on various subjects. There is a lot that I do not know that I would like to know how it works, like medicine, the human body, forensics is quite a cool topic, but don't think there would be a need for it if all people in this world had that guaranteed survival, other topics would be psychology, learn how to build properly, and if money was no object I could devote a large portion of my time to studying such topics. I mean I am sure that there would be people that would enjoy sharing their knowledge and information on such topics who are not teachers now, and they would have that opportunity. I mean due to finances of the education system, especially in North America, to put ourselves through school results in severe debt that can make the next years of life quite a struggle, especially if the field that you've studied in has become obsolete or is nor hiring - so with a guaranteed income for life then we could do a lot of research and investigation into how things work and educate ourselves which will then, in turn, create more movement within society as a whole. Consider that everyone has the opportunity to study with a university level education, and if they choose to do so this world be full of ideas in which we can then expand our infrastructure and overall movement of society as a whole.

Also, if money was no subject I would be able to live with my girlfriend without any red tape hassle. Currently money is restricting such a process - any permanent resident application requires the proof that the individual coming into the country will not be a taxation on the nation but a contribution thus money limits such movement of individuals throughout the world and with a living income guaranteed there would be the possibility to move freely throughout the world because instead of welfare, having the government cover the costs of living for the individual, the guaranteed income would cover that cost for itself, thus no taxation on the government or country.

The list can go on and on and on, but I would say that the most pertinent point if money were not god is the releasing of stress on individuals. The release from the struggles of their daily lives which constrict their views and considerations to be only on them = we would all have the opportunity to expand our considerations of other humans, animals, trees, basically the Earth as the whole, thus this point would remove the separation that we believe of ourselves from other humans and from the earth as a whole - because money, at the moment, is constricting our concerns we have separated ourselves from the whole - many people do not consider the Earth as the whole and what a virus our actions have become towards the Earth as a whole and thus we could and would start to consider how to make this life a paradise for all beings that live on it. That is the most important point within money being a guaranteed right rather than a requirement for our survival.

If you think that this is idealist talk then I suggest you investigate and realise that this idealist talk is becoming a possibility and an actuality within this world, all that needs to happen is for more people to realise that we do not need to live with such constrictions in our lives, we can manifest this point within our reality and thus create that paradise that we all do dream of on this Earth.