Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Day 556 - Looking for Importance within Purpose

Within my last blog I started on the journey of purpose and what it means to live it. Now within this point of purpose I have been taking a look at finding purpose within that which I do, but this point of purpose has been infected by ego, because I have been looking at the I within the equation rather than the doing within the equation. Like what is `My` purpose rather than allowing the purpose to be within the physical reality. What I mean by this is I have been looking for a definition of myself within purpose, looking for a reason for `me` to be the person to take on a point of purpose but in that I have allowed myself to warp the point of purpose from being in the physical reality to a point within the mind that serves self interest.

It is like I want purpose to be something special, something in which I can define myself within and `make something of myself` within, allowing the point to be infected by a wanting of value out of ego - wanting to make myself feel important within purpose which is quite ineffective from what I have been finding in looking for that point because it's like I sit here and wait for myself to find a point within ego in which I can find or define myself as valuable or of worth within giving myself something to do but not finding it and then in that I sit around and do nothing.

As I wrote previously what I have been working on within this point of purpose is focusing on the physical `seemingly small` tasks that I have to do within a day, for instance cooking or doing laundry or cleaning my car and in this stand equal and one to the physical reality of those points, not looking for a definition of myself within it, not looking for a point of ego within it, but being calm within the mind = no backchats or thoughts about what it is that I am doing and/or trying to define myself as being valuable or the task being `worthwhile` in the pursuit of ego and purpose and when I do do that then movement is easy - there is nothing which I am doing the task for other than to do the task - no definition of myself no wanting of ego or of importance but just doing the task.

So what I have done within this point of searching for purpose is infect it with ego - defining purpose within an equation of looking for importance or value or worth of myself within this lifetime which has been a result of a lack of movement because the movement that I would give myself would only be within the context of looking for worth or value of the definition of myself within ego - it would not be movement from/as myself. So I have created an idea of purpose in my mind to be of value in relation to ego, like there is a question within myself of what is MY purpose with an emphasis on my which is an indication of wanting ego to be involved within the point of purpose, looking for a purpose within myself, rather than simply living a purpose within myself out of my own movement, not out of an energetic movement within myself where I attempt to define myself of/as having value or worth.

Being nothing within the act of doing is where self movement comes from because one is then not moving out of a want or an external reason, they are moving just to move the point within the physical reality and that is what I have been working on, it has been a bit difficult because I have been struggling with that movement just for movement - meaning without having an alternate reason for my movement, but there are times when it is here within me and in those times I can see that I am moving myself just to move myself, the point of ego in/as trying to define myself as something in relation to what it is that I am doing doesn't exist, meaning the backchats of like I am doing this and that makes me that type of thing do not exist within the mind as I move myself just to move myself. It has been difficult because I have relied on those external stimuli for quite a while to move myself, be it stress or a want to define myself as being a certain way, so to bring myself to the point of real physical movement and then moving myself via my own movement/decision to move on the point isn't something that has been programmed or activated within me before…anyhow what I am saying here is that it can be difficult to start but remaining in breath and remaining in physical awareness of the body and awareness of self is how I have been moving myself on this point. Breathing to keep myself stable within the mind and not look for an alternative reason to move myself, and maintaining awareness of the physical body so that I continue to move myself because what I have noticed is that as soon as I go into my mind and look `out there` for a reason to move myself then I get lost in the mind and I go into the mind and the body stays stagnant as I project myself into the images within the mind.

So in continuing this series I will walk a process of Self Forgiveness on wanting to feel important within that which I do and looking for importance/value/worth within that which I do and how I have associated it to the word purpose and then create a solution for myself in how to further walk this point of self movement within living the word purpose and also correcting my starting point to the word purpose.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Day 555 - Purpose and Living It

The point of purpose I have struggled with even though it has always been right here in front of me the entire time.

For context and information depression has been a point that I have been walking for quite a while within process and a point that has been coming up again and again and a reason for this depression is lacking purpose or direction within my day to day living - like I would wake up from sleeping and take a look at the day and the time that I have to fill with stuff in the day and think or believe or perceive that nothing is worth doing - that I have nothing to get up for - that I have no purpose or direction for the day so in this I would allow myself to sleep for longer and from/as seeing that I have no purpose or direction inevitably wind up in a depressed state because there is no `umph` within myself to move myself - no reason to get up and give myself a point to getting up and to do stuff, the only reason why I would inevitably get up was usually due to points of self interest wherein I would think about something that I wanted to give myself energy within and if I didn't go into that point then I would perceive as life not worth living or not caring about moving myself in any direction in life unless stimulated from an outside source.

Recently this point has been getting better, better from the context that I am not sleeping for so long or as much and doing more stuff with the time that I have within the day and aiming to fill up the time. There are still times that I struggle with waking up when I have woken up earlier than the alarm that I have set because the body has woken up on it's own and giving myself direction within that extra bit of time so there is much still to be walked but overall - from a comparison point in the past - it has gotten better. Why?

Look, I had to have an honest look at who I was within much of what I did, and a common theme within much of what I would do would be out of a feeling of obligation and a point of lacking self responsibility for my life and this life as a whole wherein I would absolutely stray away from anything that included responsibility for myself, for example washing dishes, cleaning my room, making decent meals for myself, writing points out that were affecting me on a day to day basis, working, you know, like lots of things - anything that did not sit within the definition of self interest I would resist because of this decision that I have made in the past to not take responsibility for myself.

When I looked at myself within that point - which was basically coming up from work and how I am to stabilize myself within work, I needed to chose to make the decision to change myself, to make the decision to stand one and equal with the things that needed to be done within the day and let go of the points of self interest that would be my directive principle for most of the time, and working on applying this when I do go into the point of self interest and not taking any responsibility for myself and the world around me because it has been a pattern of mine which is going to take time to implement a physically lived solution towards. So look, the point of purpose is always around, meaning each day there is usually something that needs to be directed or something that I have for me to move on be it cleaning or cooking or going out to institutions within the system and moving points from that aspect, and in order to give myself the purpose within this point there needs to be a change within myself and that point of change came from being here with myself and standing one and equal to the point of responsibility within and without. Meaning that I often would not be aware of what is moving within myself in the times of looking for purpose or direction - and not aware that I am looking outwards for stimulation to move myself, so here the point of change was to bring myself back into the body, slow myself down and be equal be with the physical process and the physical responsibilities - because when/as I go into the point of self interest within looking for stimulation from energy there is obviously quick movement within the mind and so within slowing myself down and standing equal to the physical responsibilities I move much slower within myself and stop that constant looking for stimulation or purpose to move myself from energy wherein that change from energy into looking here within myself in the physical body and directing myself from that point and then allowing myself to not move quickly or hastily in relation to getting the point of responsibility done fast so that I could then go back into self interest has really assisted and supported me within the point of living purpose.

So within purpose I have not taken an absolute look into what/where/how I am guiding my life in the total but took it down to the day by day movement of what needs to be done and standing equal and one with that in the physical reality - because the future is `too far` out there for me to be stable with - too many variables and uncertainties to be stable with in looking into the future for purpose so taking it day by day and moment by moment is what is supporting me within the point of living purpose - cause right now the purpose that I have given myself is to move myself from self interest which has been an accompanying point towards depression into living responsibility for myself and standing stable and equal with the things that need to be done in order for me to move points.

This is still an ongoing point within my life, there are still reactions and things that come up within a day or a week that I am working with day to day so with these points I will continue with a series of blogs to come.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Day 554 - The Relationship With Myself

As I have been establishing and working on this point of relationships with others and the relationship with myself a few cool things have been coming up that I have been noticing. The first point that I have been applying in relation to others is letting go of the want of positivity within communication or within interaction and allowing myself to remain stable and honest with myself when communicating with others. So like previously, within the point of dependency on others within relationships, I was looking for and allowing myself to go into points of positivity while communicating, and in these points of positivity I was basically allowing myself to be directed by this energy - like I was often depressed within my life and often just unhappy with points so I would look towards others for this point of positivity in communication and basically place a dependency of emotional support onto them within/as relying on the other person for positivity.

As I was stating I have been working on this point, being simple in my expression and being here within myself as I speak and interact with people - like I remove the starting point of looking for positivity in talking to people so that I can open up something else within myself and within them and that point is self honesty. Recently there have been quite a bit of interviews coming out in relation to self honesty and communications within relationships and being honest with ourselves in writing out a point of being honest with ourselves within relationships and communications so that we share ourselves and get to know another - so this point of positivity, or this point of becoming a joking character or something similar is a point in which I have not been honest with myself within, I put on a personality to suppress negative points going on within myself, and then I will rely on those relationships to suppress the points of negativity or self honesty that are within me and go into a positive point.

Look, what I have been focusing on is being here with myself - like I had the tendency to immediately go into the starting point of positivity in communication with other people and actually go out and look for those things within my environment - look for people whom I can create that point with, but now what I am working on and focusing on within is breathing lol, and being here with the physical body and in the physical environment - like doing my best to remain aware of my face and the eyes specifically and keep myself focused on that inward point - cause what I have previously done is always place my focus and attention out there on other people rather than here on myself within what it is that I would like to give myself in that moment or what I would like to direct myself within in that moment, or how I would like to express myself within a moment, so this point of relationships and developing one with myself has been quite a cool adventure because I am finding myself more stable throughout the day because I am not accessing these personalities when/as I look at someone else, I am more consistent and constant in my behaviour and I am surprised to see that I am really just not that playful as I have been in the past - I am more serious and simple in my expression; I am not as afraid to stand alone - there are certainly still points to perfect within the fear of standing and/or being alone in this lifetime but overall I am satisfied with myself in this point and my application of myself within this point.

On focusing on the physical body and myself within the physical I have allowed myself to give myself back to myself and to not allow the mind in/as personalities to influence me as much - I am able to stand here with another and hear there words and not access a personality of conformity - like if someone is making a face of laughter at the beginning of their sentence I would usually mimic that point in them in the expectation that they are going to say something funny and basically go into a personality in that moment - now since I have not heard the entire point that they are speaking I remain stable until I hear the whole point that they are speaking so I see that laughter face and I see the want to mimic it and go into that personality design but within breathing and remaining stable here in the body I have much less of a tendency to go into that personality which is so nice lol - it is a relief because I am stopping myself from putting on these characters to follow another person - I am much more stable within/as standing on my own and in this I am also giving myself a purpose each day or each time - meaning I was previously looking for a purpose or a point to live outside of myself - looking for someone to give me direction as I have written in previous blogs, and now as I stand here with the body, looking within/as the body and myself and slowing myself down I am giving myself movement and direction from/as the physical rather than the mind and this point leads me into the next point that I am walking within my life which is purpose and not allowing myself to wait around for direction or wait for a point of stimulus to come up in which I will then direct myself.

As I stated there are still points to walk within this point of developing the relationship with myself because I still notice that there are points within the day and within my interactions where I still have backchat coming up in relation to my expression and in relation to the words that I choose and when I go into a character of fear of standing on my own so these points I will continue to work on and correct each day - making sure that I do my best to be aware of when/how I go into the character of fear of standing on my own and when I have backchat or judgment of myself coming up.

Look, previously I was afraid to stand on my own and to walk this life alone - looking for and wanting someone to be by my side or hold my hand through the choices that I make and the things that I have to do such as working and in this fear looked towards points of positivity within relationships and within other mediums and now I have allowed myself to step into that fear and bring myself back here within myself - allowing myself to face the fear, allowing myself to step out of looking for positivity and be here with myself within the fear, breathe and direct myself so I would suggest the same process for another individual if they are facing the same point - give yourself back to yourself by taking out the energy and bring yourself back to the physical reality in the physical body and work on that point, maintain self awareness within the physical.

Thanks for reading

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Day 553 - Time on a Golden Platter

I am going to take a moment out of walking the relationship pattern that I have been investigating to write about a point that came up recently

I was driving home listening to my mp3 player on random and an interview by Anu came up called investing in your process. Now this interview was about responsibility within process, and the responsibility that we have within process. As he states within the interview responsibility is usually something that is feared, something that is not yet effectively understood and many of us will have reactions towards hearing the word of responsibility within process, and many excuses of having a job or having busy lives to the extent that we cannot work on process as much as we'd `like` to. Now this is true to the extent that we cannot place ourselves in the public eye as much as we want to but look, everything is a part of process, all points of life are a part of process.

Look, the point of responsibility has been an issue of mine for a REALLY long time where I have not been absolutely responsible for myself in apply self forgiveness when moments come up in which it is necessary to, and I have been in this point of feeling obligated towards writing or towards blogging or simply towards taking responsibility for my emotions or taking responsibility for directing myself through points or directing my reality the way that I would like to direct it, so like I would resist apply self forgiveness in the car while driving to work and basically only apply myself within writing when I felt obliged to but even then I did not take in the information that I was writing/seeing and live it effectively, so within the interview Anu was talking about this point of responsibility and what it creates within our lives and how a lot of stress can come from this point of worrying about time because within/as seeing the writing or process as a whole as an obligation or something that is forced onto us we then start to look for this me time and worry about the time that we have to spend working or writing and in this not give it our `all` within a point, we kind of sit on the edge and not commit ourselves fully towards taking responsibility for any thought or any reaction that comes up, but rather suppress it and/or wait until we have time to sit down and write it out to apply self forgiveness or to apply self corrective actions and then wait until we come across that point again to change, in this still dreading the point of writing because it still feels forced onto ourselves that we need to walk process.

I have been in that point of feeling like process is an obligation, only recently did I take it upon myself to apply self forgiveness when in the moment and start to take immediate responsibility for the emotions rather than suppressing them for a bit until I write and try and make myself seem like everything is ok, and since making that change within myself; fuck are things different now lol. I am not worried about time, not worried about putting so much time into working long hours, not worried about having to go 3 days straight doing nothing but work and sleeping, and overall feel more stable with myself as I have taken on this point of responsibility for myself in every moment - like using up the small moments as points of support - using the time within work as points of support for myself - apply sf quietly for anything going on and work on a correction within that moment rather than waiting for time to come where I can write something it out.

There was a small phrase within the interview which is the title of this blog "time on a golden platter" and man this point is true. I am not stressed out about time or stressed out about `having` to put in work in relation to process or writing or applying sf, or stressed out over a point that I am walking through - so in this time has been `compressed` because it is within every moment that I am able to take responsibility for process and take responsibility for myself within the mind - so like what I am putting out here is that a massive change happens within self when we take responsibility for ourselves within process and take responsibility for the process that we've decided to walk things become a lot `easier` so to speak and life becomes less stressful. In this if anyone is still walking on the edge of taking responsibility for process I'd say to just take that leap and work on applying sf within a moment and to take the responsibility of applying process in each moment cause no matter what we're doing within our lives or have going on within our lives process is life, process is within every moment and not just within the moments that we have to write or attend chats or to support people - so in this there was a point of checking who you are within what you're doing rather than what it is that you're doing - like it doesn't matter what you do it matters who you are within what you do.

Here is the link for the interview (https://eqafe.com/p/investing-in-your-process-reptilians-part-327)

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Day 552 - Fear of Walking Alone SF

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking this lifetime alone without guidance and without direction, like depending on myself entirely to direct and guide myself within the system or within the path that I aim to take, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize is that this fear is connected to not understanding the workings of the system or how to properly organize myself within the system to get the best possible results or and also dependent on the information that I have of the system and the information of how to walk the path that I have and since I don't have that information or enough of that information there comes the fear of walking alone and also comes the want to walk with someone - someone whom I can rely on to direct me and/or take responsibility for me within/as my decisions - something or someone that I can `fall` back on if I end up falling, but in this I am not developing self trust to catch myself when/if I fall or to rely on myself to gather the effective information on where/how to direct myself within the system

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in order to move myself through this fear the only thing that I really need to do is to walk this life alone - making my own decisions based on the information that I have and allowing myself to fall when/if I do fall and picking myself back up within the trust of learning from my mistakes and not making them again, and that to walk alone within gathering effective information on what path I am taking is my own responsibility - it is not someone else's responsibility that they are able to walk for me - therefore I must do it alone regardless, I cannot rely on someone else to be the directive of me because they are not me and it is also quite unfair for another person to take on the responsibility of me when they have themselves to direct and be responsible for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait around for another person to give me direction when/as they take a look at my life - allowing myself remain in this state of limbo, of not being completely decisive upon a point that I would like to move on and thus then waiting, rather than giving myself the responsibility in looking at my own life and making that complete decision of where/how to direct myself within a point, walking through any fear of walking it alone, and in this allowing myself to develop and build a trust with myself and a security with myself to walk through any mistakes or to understand any mistakes that I make during the time that I walk and direct myself alone, and to also correct any mistakes that I make as I direct myself alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/understand or see that the only one that I really can trust to direct myself is myself because if/when/as a problem occurs within my life I am not going to have someone here with me to relay the problem to and thus I must create and develop this trust with myself via walking through the fear of walking alone - in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk into the fear of being alone within a task/assignment/direction within my life and have waited within my life to take responsibility for myself to direct myself.

I commit myself to push myself through this fear of being alone by simply walking the point within myself, like when/as I see a point in which I am afraid of walking alone, or doing something alone or directing myself without telling anyone or looking for approval for a point to direct myself within to stop, breathe, and push myself through that fear of being alone by simply going out and working on that task or directing myself within that point, standing here with myself and taking in the information that I need to direct myself within the point because I realize that if I wait around for approval of a point of direction or if I wait around for someone to direct me within that point that I am severely limiting myself and not allowing myself to stand within a point of self-trust and this I do not want for myself

I commit myself to separate myself from the fear of walking alone when/as I note that I am wanting to be around someone or wanting someone to be with me in order for me to direct myself within a point, and in separation from the fear, to breathe, stabilize myself the best I can, apply self forgiveness, and breathe and direct myself as I stand here with myself in the physical body, allowing myself to trust myself within the physical body and to direct myself around the physical so that I can learn about how the system works and how to operate myself best within the system

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Day 551 - Fear of Being Alone

The fear of being alone is another dimension that I have been looking into in relation to the who I am within relationships, and the fear of being alone or standing alone or standing by myself and leading myself is a point that I have been facing recently wherein I have seen and noticed that I am more of a follower - I mean this point has always been here but am starting to notice it more frequently because it is coming up and I am not denying it or suppressing it.

The fear of being alone manifests within this point of following another person in/as their expression or decisions in order to not be `alone` within the decisions that I make for myself or decide to stand alone within any perceptions or insights that I may have when speaking, so again, this point within relationships is a limiting point because I am not standing alone, not making decisions for myself and not allowing myself to lead myself within what I see and understand to be best for me and all people within a moment - meaning, it is best for me to work on MC's but within the relationships that I have created, I have allowed myself to follow another person within their actions or decisions instead breathing and separating myself from this experience within me and then go and work on the MC or something like that you know? Now this experience within me has quite a few dimensions to it that I outlined in Day 449 but the fear of being alone is quite a large factor because within the fear of being alone I am placing this reliance on the relationship and/or the other person to be the direction of myself, and in this giving my trust of myself up to another person which is misplacing trust.

The fear of being alone, as I see right now, is related to not trusting myself to direct myself, and therefore within the fear of being alone there is a reliance and dependency upon another person to direct me or for me to follow which isn't cool and something that I have been reacting to recently because there are things that I know I would really like to do for myself but as I allow myself to go into this construct I simply start to follow another in the fear of being alone, and like a thought will come up to write or to move away from the interaction within the relationship for a bit and I will resist that thought, you know, like go write or go test blood sugar or something along those lines, and I will resist that point because I fear directing myself within that moment, fear walking the point alone and/or being alone with myself within the point, which as I see it now is absurd, and it is also absurd that I have yet to question this experience and energy within me because I mean I can see it as being so obvious at the moment and yet I have allowed myself to follow the pre-programming in which I do not move myself for myself and stand within self-trust.

So I have been noticing this experience coming up more and more and what I have been applying myself within recently is when I see the experience coming up, along with the energy, I take note that I am wanting to remain around a person and not move myself due to the fear of being alone, and so I will take a look at what it is that I want to or aim to move myself within and how `being alone` is incorporated into it, and in this separate myself from the experience of wanting to hang around with the individual or group of people and let go of the fear of being alone or directing myself alone, take a breath and stabilize myself within any movement of emotion or fear that's coming up and direct myself in lieu of the fear of directing myself alone and basically walk into the fear, but for the most part the fear subsides because I understand what I am doing and how to do it, there are certainly points in which I need to direct myself alone that I have not done before but the application remains the same, do it anyways and push through the fear of walking alone within the point.

Regardless of the fear, the point here, for me, is to push through the fear of walking alone and simply do it because if I remain within this point of fearing directing myself alone then I will be stuck in a life that is not my `own` so to speak, more so walking a life of following someone else's or requiring someone to basically hold my hand throughout my life and as I walk it which is impractical, impossible, and not something that I want for myself at all, so in this I require myself to push myself into the fear of standing alone and basically do it, stopping myself from relying on relationships and developing and creating an effective relationship with myself

I will continue within the next post

Friday, February 20, 2015

Day 550 - Developing Effective Relationship With Self (Self Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for approval from another person in order to define myself within the point that they approve of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a comment or a joke or interact with a person from the starting point of wanting or looking for approval for my actions and in this defining myself by my actions or words and therefore looking for approval for `myself`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on relationships and people to define myself - looking for a person or group of people that I can relate to in order to define myself in relation to them - wherein I will look for ways and personalities in which I can relate to them and manipulate myself in order to relate to them rather than being honest with myself within what I want to do for myself to support myself or what I need to do in order to move myself effectively within this world and to walk the purpose that I have given myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as if I have been shut down or disapproved of or feel betrayed or believe myself to be unacceptable within that moment - that point of expression to be unacceptable, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply stand on my own and express myself within this reality simply with myself without looking for a reaction of positivity from another person, and in this move for myself, not allowing myself to compromise myself within/as looking for acceptance from another individual - meaning, to go and do the things that I need to do if/when/as a person wants to hang out when/as I do not have time, and in this stick to my own principles and stick with myself in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that looking for a relationship to depend on in which to define myself or follow the other person within/as their actions or personalities in order to be accepted yields absolutely no self trust or self acceptance, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for acceptance or approval of myself via another person rather than looking at myself and my actions and simply deciding if I approve of them myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and approve of myself simply by being here with myself simply expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on relationships and the interactions within them to define myself, rather than allowing the definition of myself = who and how I stand with myself to be the directive point of my interactions within relationships, you know, like not allowing the point of looking for approval to be the direction, but allowing me standing here with myself in self-honesty be the directing point of my interactions within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for this point of approval within positivity, you know, like having this point of approval to be aligned with positivity and then look for positivity of myself within the point of approval and in this dictate and direct myself around each person differently to look for this point of approval and then feel positive about myself rather than allowing myself to speak self-honestly and interact with myself self-honestly

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that when I speak with another person I am only speaking with myself within another body and therefore looking for approval is quite irrelevant within our interactions, the only point that is relevant within this point of approval is standing here with my words, and simply speaking my words without energy, and without any other point moving around within the mind other than the words that I aim to speak within the conversation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to speak with me in another body when interacting with people and in this simply check myself within my expression - checking if it is supportive or checking if it is best for all, and in this not check another person's reaction for approval or for acceptance - in this accepting myself within my expression in every moment as I express myself within the physical reality

I commit myself to working on this point daily within my interactions with people daily, allowing myself to focus on myself and doing what I need to do, and not looking for positive reactions within people or within reactions when interacting and communicating with them, simply allowing myself to be here, expressing myself unconditionally here with myself as all things around me, and allowing myself to accept myself here = not looking for approval of my existence or expression within another being, in this stopping myself from separating myself from my own expression and developing a trust and comfort being here with myself