Friday, October 17, 2014

Day 529 - Living Self-Honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and become a systematic set of personalities for the purpose of being accepted or to fit into a group of people, in this allowing myself to be dis-honest with myself in/as who I am and what I live by and in this, if I do accept myself to live in this way I am also accepting other people to live within personalities as well, entrapping myself and others within sets of personalities all for the point of fitting in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a certain way or doing a certain thing, and in this attempt to make the judgment less than what I am making it out to be within myself by lying or mis-representing certain points of information to create an idea of myself to be a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all I have within this lifetime is myself in/as my willingness and my ability to correct and walk my own process and to support/expand/understand/investigate myself and this world, and that as I look for groups in which to fit into in relation to wanting to be apart of something, then I am missing a key ingredient within this process and that ingredient is my self in/as my own stability - meaning that as I look for a group to fit into or make myself a part of, what I am doing in that moment is looking for direction via the group, rather than standing on my own and living for myself in/as making the decisions that I am able to make for myself and not compromising myself for a group, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by/as myself in each moment, but rather attempt to make myself out to be something more or preceivably more than what I am or specifically what I think of myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by and attempt to live by that which I think of myself in relation to the things that I define myself by/as - like for instance defining myself as being a person who walks process, now this is not who I am as a whole, it is something that I do, so to define myself as that and then attempt to make myself out to be more than what I think of myself within/as the definition of myself walking process is a lie to myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here and breathe with myself in/as the physical body in/as the realization that anything that moves within the mind in/as the definition of myself is not really who I am as life, and that if/when/as I accept myself as such points and I communicate them then I am supporting a lie, not only within myself, but within this entire reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap of the illusions of the mind of the definitions of myself without realizing that to define myself as something is to limit myself in this reality, and to define myself in/as a specific character is to limit myself in/as my expression in this reality, and it is not going to support myself within this reality, nor is it going to allow me to be honest with myself in/as what/how I live or what goes on within the mind, and is going to limit and hinder my ability to investigate and understand myself

I commit myself to slowing myself down when speaking to people, making sure that if judgments do come up in relation to myself where I attempt to define myself towards a specific action or doing within this reality, that I breathe, I realize that I am here in/of/as the physical reality and bring myself back here, speaking about what comes up here within myself, speaking self-honestly, not trying to define myself as something and stopping myself from attempting to make myself out to be anything more than what I live/do within my life

I commit myself to investigating these points of definition of myself and to in this remove the limiting definition of myself so that I do not limit my expression in this reality nor attempt to make myself out to be something that I am not and something that I do not entirely live by or apply within my life - but to use those points to expand myself and to bring myself back down to reality.

I commit myself to watch my words and watch the people who I am attempting to involve myself within and in that what it is that I am attempting to relate to them, but then in this walk myself within the point, meaning not attempting to make myself grandeur or live for another person's perception of myself or my own want for approval via another person's perception of me, but to simply walk me and be cool with myself in/as how what I live and do within this world

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Day 528 - How Judgment Impedes Self Honesty

Continuing on from the last post in this series of living the word self honesty - I want to expand and go deeper into this point because it is a point that I have lived in many ways throughout my life, where I have deliberately attempted to hide points or to attempt to make myself seem less or more than what I am via using specific words to manipulate myself or another person to see me as a certain way which I am not living.

Like what I have found that even when I am writing I have found that at times I write things indirectly or more like vaguely so that I do not really bring the point across of things like self judgment or shame or guilt or things like that. I will, for instance, use words like kinda, or a bit, you know, like dimming down the point so that how I come across within the words is not as `bad` or anything `bad`, but I mean this point of seeming myself as bad or fear of being seen as bad is only related to my own self judgment so as I attempt to dim down a point within another person what I am doing in that moment is not being absolutely honest with myself in/as the point and also not looking at the point within myself due to the judgment. So this is a point that I have been living for a while - like during my teenage years this point of expressing myself in an hyperbole like way, like, you know, speaking about myself in a point of excess like making myself try to be grandeur or again I try and create an idea of myself within myself and within another person of/as how I would like to be seen in/as how I live, but not actually living that point.

So the `deeper` dimension of this point that I want to take a look at is how I live this point with myself, like how do I make up these ideas of myself and then attempt to live them and the ideas being a lie. So for example I know that I do this within process, like I will create and live these or attempt to live these ideas of myself as being here or being effective or being diligent etc. So I will be working away at things, and maybe one day I get a lot done, I work on the DIP assignments, I get a lot of blogs done, I do not give myself a lot of `leisure` time, like I am constantly working on and doing things during the day, then I will start to have these thoughts of being effective or diligent or being good etc, which is a lie because it comes through in thoughts, like if it were real it would simply be lived as my expression in each and every moment - it doesn't need to come through in thoughts and an experience and energetical reaction from me. So these points are points where I judge myself in a positive way, meaning define myself as being good - the same way where I'll attempt to define myself as being `good` while I communicate to people.

So I mean what goes on in those moments is an attempt at defining myself, an attempt at defining myself in relation to a point of judgment that goes on in the mind - like what happens is that I judge myself for some reason - for example within the last blog it was a judgment for not being well developed within the video game, and therefore I went into this point of exaggerating myself within the video game to make myself seem better than I was/am, the same thing goes for points within process or any point for that matter; I will judge myself for a point then within the judgment for the point I will attempt to make the judgment not so bad and in this as well I will project the judgment onto another person and then in this try and make myself seem more than the point to lessen the judgment within myself - so the point here, is that when I note that there is a point of judgment within myself, so in this I will write out SF on this point in the next post and in this investigate how my own judgment of myself leads me to not live the point of self-honesty = where I try to fabricate an idea of myself

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Day 527 - I Am Who I Am

This point opened up at work yesterday night. So I found out that a few people from my work play the same video game that I play and I was talking to them about playing together. So as it opened up and as we started to communicate about the video game they were speaking about things that I had no clue about, like I don't play it that often, I play it every now and then, maybe twice a week or so, and they are hardcore gamers, like they play it everyday, so they obviously knew more than I did and as they were speaking about the things that I had no idea of I acted and communicated like I did know about what they were speaking of or acted as if I, as well, played a lot and was able to effectively play with them, because since the game is based on amount of hours played = better equipment etc, I was actually, in reality, not able to play with them due to the difficulty of the game at their levels, but anyhow the point is the fact that I was making myself out to be something that I am not, but also in this there was a level of insecurity/inferiority within myself as we were speaking about the game, like I didn't want to make them see me as being ineffective within the game, I wanted them to see me as someone who can also participate with them in the game, so I made myself out to be something that I simply wasn't, specifically something that they could relate to and then build a relationship off of, but I mean, with all points of a relationship, building a relationship based out of a mental idea of positivity or grandeur will only lead to an ineffective relationship, or most of the cases will lead to such.

The point within this though is being stable with myself, meaning not trying to make myself out to be anything that I am not, same goes for process points as well - like, as I wrote earlier within the blogs, the point of living self honesty, which is in essence not making myself out to be anything that I am not, like being honest with myself in all moments. So what was going on within myself at that time? I can see that I was wanting to be included, I was wanting to be a part of the group that was playing the game so I was attempting to make myself out to be something that would give me the best shot of being a part of that group, but in that I was not being honest with myself and I mean damn, don’t we do this all the time, I mean when we set out to be a part of a group or something and desperately want to fit in, don't we attempt to create something of ourselves that is not true - I mean shit it can even be applied to adulthood where we mimic and attempt to create ourselves as adults and in this not live honestly within ourselves but then create ideas of ourselves as being adults or create ideas of ourselves as needing to do or behave as an adult behaves and in this lose ourselves within the process of attempting to live as an idea, same goes for me where I lost myself within/as attempting to live as the idea of what I was attempting to live as being a gamer, rather than being honest with myself and the other person in/as stating the fact that I do not play it that much and that I am not that developed within the game - I mean within the skill of gaming, yes I am developed because it comes from physical memory, but the game in/of itself, no I am not developed, so I mean regardless I was attempting ot make myself out to be something that I am not and in this I was feeling insecure and uncomfortable within myself in relation to wanting to be accepted by another person or group of people in order to then participate in the activities that they were participating in.

The dimensions of this was that I was feeling alone, left out, like the job is new and I have been looking for someone in which I can relate to, to which I have found none and I mean this is ok, really, I mean I do not really need to find someone that I am looking to relate to in the sense that I am looking for, meaning someone who speaks self-honestly, someone who understands the principle that I live by etc, because I mean that point is few and far between within this world, so in that sense, it is cool to have myself, and something that I have been forgetting at work - meaning I am myself and I have myself within self honesty, I do not need to look for someone to relate to and develop a connection for support in that way = I have myself for that connection and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to attempt to fit in within a new environment by attempting to mold myself to the perceived norms of the groups or of the environment and in this deny myself my own care and my own support and deny myself basically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to fit in with another person by denying myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in to a group of individuals for support and/or comfort within this world, but in this wanting to fit in, deny myself and deny who I am and attempt to make myself out to be something that I am not in order to live by/as their rules or codes of conduct instead of being `true` to myself in/as checking myself and simply being who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for people to relate to when entering a new environment, but more specifically in this, deny who I am when entering the new environment simply in attempts to fit into the environment rather than being honest with myself in/as who I am and what I live and what I do within my life

I commit myself to, when speaking and/or interacting with people and I am noticing that I am putting on a mask within myself in order to fit in with the group, to breathe, to bring myself back here, realize that the want to be accepted or part of something is not important within that moment and that I do have a place where I `belong` and/or am a part of and in this I have myself here and that I do not need to make myself out to be anything special or grandeur, I can simply be here with myself in breath

I commit myself to re-applying the point of living self-honestly, not allowing myself to fear being a part of a group or to change myself in order to be part of a group and in this stop points of inferiority within myself in relation to relating to other people or being a part of a group with other people, and simply be and face who/what I am in each moment

Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 526 - Continuing To Work On Stress

Currently I have gotten a new job that is quite similar to my previous job and during my stay at that job I was living off stress, like who I was was constantly stressed and I basically went into adrenaline depletion or burn out. So the job that I am working now is like that one and I have been noticing similar patterns coming out in my behaviour that is related to the point of stress. For instance driving to work and back home I am driving as fast as I, relatively safely, can and as I am doing this I am obviously in a state of haste and rushing where I want to get from point a to b as fast as I can and the who I am in creating stress within the body.

As well, I am working nights and during the night the rhythms of the body are usually set to sleeping and thus having to keep myself up and working is placing stress on the body and also the pace/environment of the workplace is stress oriented, like I went through this in my previous job and it was a bit rough for me after a while, but again it was because of who I was within the job, meaning work as fast as I can to get the job done to either go home early or either relax after I completed the requirements, but again, I was stressed out during those times because of working too fast and holding this point of time within myself, like stressing about the amount of time that I have within the job.

So in this I have started to see myself participating in the same program during this job - like the first day I got back home from working I was scratching the shit out of myself, which is an indication that I have been participating in stress, like scratching my head and my arms which is also in relation to this point of folliculitis that I have been dealing with for a while - folliculitis is a infection of the hair follicles and it gets really fucking itchy at times. For example when the blood sugar goes low the arms get quite itchy - and when the body goes low it is goes into this state of stress, like a fight or flight mode, because it is lacking something that it needs to survive = glucose/sugar. So I have been using this point of scratching as a cross reference to myself participating in this point of stress.

As well the job is also time oriented - well I'm sure that all jobs are, but you have a certain amount of cases per hour that you need to pick and therefore a certain amount of cases per day that we need to pick - so within this point, in my previous job I would always hold that number in my head and always react to that number or pressure or time with a point of fear of not hitting those numbers, and I have been doing the same thing. Where I have been participating in this point of fear of not getting the numbers done and have been stressing myself out.

So what I have been doing is practicing a point that I applied only a few times in my previous job. I mean I looked at myself within my previous job and I saw that I could do the job, there was absolutely no need for myself to participate in that point for the stress, after a while I could do it with my eyes closed lol - so a few times, unfortunately, I allowed myself to simply breathe - I say unfortunately because it was only a few times, I allowed myself to breathe and not stress out about anything, I allowed myself to simply be here with each box and each order and simply build the orders and pick the boxes, so I have been applying this point within the job. Like really - there is no need to this conception of time within my mind at during the job, I mean I am there for 12 hours and there is no need to constantly look at the clock and worry about getting out of there or to project myself into the future or just worry about the job, because since it is quite a similar job to my previous one I already have the foundation to do the job properly. So in this I can just like `sit back` within myself and do the job at a comfortable pace and stick with myself in breathing, like be here with myself in each movement rather than in this point of haste - so I mean I am practicing this point at the moment and slowing myself down within the mind while at work and in this breathing and making sure that I am very fluid within the job because I noticed that when I am in that point of haste and stress that I am moving fast but it is like very sporadic, like I am rushing to one point, stopping, rushing to the next, and so on, wherein as I breathe I am very fluid, like I am aware of myself in the place and aware of what I am doing and what needs to be done next and I am not stressing out or fearing about this point, so like in this I see that there is not need for myself to access this stress pattern and I am going to work on and practice and show to myself that I do not need to create this point of stress throughout my life and then correct this pattern for myself - if there are other points that open up within this point of stress I will share them as, if you take a look at past blogs, this point of stress has been a point that I often deal with.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Day 525 - Conception of Time

So as I stated in my previous blog, this point of conception of time, going from one point to the next, is causing me to be in a state of stress and it is slowly building up, slowly building up meaning that I am becoming more and more stressed out at the amount of time that I have during the day and relating this to the amount of responsibilities I have each day or each week and fearing getting from point a to point b which is then, in that fear, allowing myself to create and generate an energy of stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself in my own movement, which is actually stating that I am fearing myself participating in the mind and allowing myself to go into a state within the mind where I then do not walk the points of responsibility that I have in my life, which will only happen and exist if I fear that point existing within me - meaning that there are these points where I am allowing myself to go into the mind and I am not completely aware of it, or I am aware of it, but not aware enough to stop myself or more so I am not stopping myself so there is this fear coming up in relation to this point of self-trust in getting everything done, but in this I realize that getting everything done is not the factor which solves this point - it is the who I am within what I do, meaning that process is not only writing, not only the online responsibilities, it is the physically lived changes that each of us create for ourselves, to get ourselves out of pre-programmed patterns and constructs to become more physically aware and more planted/rooted here in the physical reality and in breath, so to just push myself to get everything done in the hopes that it will stabilize myself within process is an illusion and a lie that I am telling myself, what will provide actual, substantial stabilization is actually walking and doing everything slowly because I will give myself more time and awareness to catch these points where I habitually start participating in the mind and will give me the time to start to notice any reactions or energies coming up within me - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself in relation to self-trust in stopping myself within the mind or moving myself within the physical reality when this lack of self-trust is directly related in attempting to move TOO fast in which I then start to ignore certain things and pick and choose what I will look at within the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to move really fast within this reality and within the mind, meaning to rush myself to a realization or to rush myself to a point of conclusion or to rush myself to stop a pattern that I am working on stopping, when in fact this point of rushing is only allowing myself to miss points and ignore others in relation to the pattern that I am working on and therefore is causing the point to escalate due to points being missed or ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a conception of time, well more so stress myself out at the conception of time, of getting things done as quick as possible and fitting as much as I can within a time frame but in this choosing quantity over quality, meaning as I rush and attempt to get things done as fast as I can I start to miss things and ignore things, this goes for both the physical reality and for the mental reality - and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea and the acceptance and creation of time, because time is actually man made - time doesn't actually exist, sure we spin around on a planet and revolve around the sun but those points are not MEASURED within the physical reality - they are only measured within our own creation of/as this system that we live in, and thus to participate in/as this point of conception of time, of getting from one place as fast as possible to the next place or doing one thing as fast as possible to get to the next thing in relation to the conception of time is not assisting or supporting me within process as I am allowing myself to stress myself out within the conception of time, so to move much slower with all things within my reality will assist and support myself.

I commit myself to move slower, move slower within the mind, move slower in the physical reality and not worry about time - meaning that if I do need to move quickly, to not go into a point of haste and rushing and projection into fears, but to remain here with myself, because still, if I need to move fast, the point of time is not needed again, it is simply to move fast here, not conception of the future, but moving with what is here with myself in a single moment, and in this I also commit myself to move slower within the mind so that I can catch everything that I am doing within the mind and become aware of the automation that I usually participate in, and in this moving slower, giving myself to really take the time to investigate what comes up, like investigate and give myself the, lol, effection (affection) or effectiveness that I have been looking for.

I commit myself to relaxing with myself, and again building up this point of trust within myself, I mean like taking a look at what and how I have been in the past days I cannot say that I have really abused my trust, but for some reason it has started to fade, which I see is in relation to moving fast and not being aware enough of myself participating in the mind, so, in this to move slower and give myself more patience and moving slower within the mind so that I can give myself effectiveness.

I commit myself to move slower throughout all of the time here, meaning like as I go get coffee, to move slow, as I drive to work, to go slowly and not rush within driving as fast as I can, to, as I write to not stand within this point of rushing or trying to get the writing done as fast as I can, but to be patient and investigative as I write myself out, so to not just write to get it done, but to be here in writing in/as a way to express myself and understand/investigate myself.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Day 524 - Trusting Myself Here

Now with this whole point of time, stress, and living the word initiative, there is still the point within myself where I am constantly calculating time and constantly in this point of worrying about time and how much I have of it and how long it will take me to do a task. In this process I am also thinking a lot, like going into the mind and placing myself within a projected scenario of getting to the next task, what I will do within that task, what possible probabilities will exist within the task etc, like it is a constant projection of myself into the future within/as the conception of time. Now with this point, the conception of time, I would like to take on within these writings. I am relating myself back to when I first got back from South Africa where I had no conception of time yet, I was simply moving myself with whatever was needed in that moment. Now what I also see is related to this point is self-trust where I was trusting myself to simply move myself with whatever came up within a moment, and not within this projection I am fearing myself in the movement of myself.

So when I got back I was here with myself breathing quite consistently, trusting myself in each moment to do what was necessary to keep myself moving and keep my reality in tact. Now I am finding that, due to the stress, I am not trusting myself completely and this is coming through within thoughts where I am unsure of myself in moments, unsure of my movements, unsure of my decisions and unsure of how I am moving myself within tasks. So from these points accumulating over the last bit of time it has grown into a point of stress within/as a lack of trust for myself moving myself.

As I read the words that I just wrote I see there is self-judgment running around within my words and being a bit harsh on myself, so what am I not looking at/understanding about this point. What I see is that the trust started to break when I started to go back into the point of placing more time within entertainment than in process, so this point I am judging myself for which is of no use to solving the problem.

Anyhow I have gotten a bit off topic here, the point of time and stress and participation in the mind with a constant projection within/as a conception of time is the point that I am looking at - therefore what I see within myself is that the point of trust needs to be built back up via breathing, via giving myself some patience with myself and a bit of pushing points. Like I have been having thoughts/beliefs/fears that I have started to become stagnant within process due to this point which I am placing this point of stress and lack of trust within which is then correlated to time and movement, so when/as I take a look at this point, sure there is certainly more movement that I can give myself, but overall I am still here, I am not like falling or letting things slack within process, there is still movement, yet not as much as possible from my end of movement.

All of these points accumulated are relating to this point of stress within/as the conception of time and moving myself from this point of fear and stress and self-trust. As I look at it within self-honesty there is no reason to judge myself as I am not like deliberately allowing myself to put things off, or absolutely giving into resistance in relation to points, so there is no real need to the lack of trust, it is only the beliefs and conceptions of myself of/as who I need to be or what I need to do within relation to process that is building these points within myself.

So in the next post I will write out Self Forgiveness on the points of self-trust, self-judgment, and then the conception of time and stress.

Thanks for reading

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Dy 523 - Initiating Initiative

What I have learnt in the past week of living and applying this point of initiative is that it doesn't come easy to me at the moment. Like I have really needed to make the absolute choice to do something within a moment and then live that decision - meaning that in the mornings I will still feel tired within myself because I have decided, within myself, to get up and `face the day` so to speak - meaning be here and live and do that which needs to be done to continue a consistent movement equal with the physical reality and a consistent movement equal to the body, like the body and the physical reality is in constant movement therefore I must move myself each day as well and I have struggled with this point, like getting up in the morning and deciding - ok I will do this this and that and then doing them.

The mornings are the difficult part, but once I make that decision within myself then I am here, I am awake and I am physically energized to do the things that I made the decision to do. So making that first decision is the most difficult part because I will sit in the mind and think about what there is to do and then also contemplate whether or not I actually want to do them. For instance, cleaning my car was what I aimed to do today and in the moment of waking up I was not completely set on that decision, like there was still a point residing within me of like, nah, let's just go back to sleep and really do nothing for a while but rest. It took me a while to get out of that cyclical thought pattern of being like ok, let's get up and clean the car and then feeling drained and wanting to go back to sleep. So I started to take small steps, like easy simply things to get myself moving - easy decisions to get myself moving towards the goal which was go out and get petrol for the car which got me out of the house and doing something that needed to be done then from that point of movement I had that kind of inertial to keep myself moving on the `larger` tasks - the tasks that I normally don't embark upon in my daily living. Like cleaning and things are easy for me to get done because I have programmed them into my body but like car cleaning I usually have not done so it is a bit of a more difficult decision to make simply because it is not part of pre-programming.

Also I have noticed this point of stress have been accumulating within myself where I am rushing again from point A to point B to get things done instead of being patient with myself in every moment - so this is what I am finding is existing within me as I make the decisions to live the word initiative on where I feel like I need to build up this energy to get myself going and in this it is like anxiety and/or stress. Like as I got back here, nothing needed to be done really, or a I saw nothing as a need to be done so I simply moved myself with patience as there was still not a conception of time in my reality yet because I was just getting back into the `routine` of things. So I experienced this point today where in the day I was not giving myself that point of decision to go out an do something, but I still did things - I did get the car cleaned and then after that I decided to help out my sister with groceries. The car point was a similar point of stress where I was not patient with myself within it, here in every breath, being patient and relaxed with myself - it was like it NEEDED to be DONE, I MUST do this now and get it done within/as a conception of time, then as I went to go help my sister out there was no conception of time, no other point that I needed to get done in that moment other than being there and helping out my sister so I was here, I was able to be stable in/as breath, I was remaining here in breath and not within the mind thinking about something else or needing to get it done as fast as possible, so I was able to be here. During that point I got a text from a friend asking to hang out at a specific time to which I agreed to and then the same point came up - where now I have a time limit, I have a need to get done with the grocery shopping to be at the other point for the specified time that we agreed upon. So that point of stress started to come up again where I'm like ok, I have an allotted time to get from point a to point b - so this is what I have been finding myself entering within the whole point of living the word initiative where as I make a decision to do something I then give myself a time to get it done within, give myself a need to get it done now, like "This is the point that I am embarking on now" and from there I move with a point of haste.

So this point of time within/as the decision to move on something within/as the word initiative is the point that I will be taking on for this week - like removing the conception of time, removing the need to get something done as fast as possible and applying myself within patience with being here with myself in breath, calmness, and relaxation. And in this also continuing applying myself within the point of initiative as well