Saturday, August 30, 2014

Day 508 - Slowing Down and Breathing

Now with the point of allowing the mind to take the reins and direct myself this point encompasses both the stress point that I've been walking through and the point of comfort wherein as I allow the mind to direct myself and not give myself an awareness of myself in what I am saying or what I am doing within any given moment. Like I have taken a look at this point today and I realized that when I allow the mind to direct me then I go into this entire point of haste and anxiety, like there is so much to take care of or do within a single moment and then I go into this rushed state in which I do not feel comfortable with myself, I go into this point of haste and rushing within the mind in which I do not find stability within myself in which I go into ideas and beliefs of myself instead of relaxing and going slow.

This is what I have found different within the first few days that I arrived back home in comparison to now (a few weeks of being back). When I got back I was taking things utterly slow and being patient with myself throughout all moments, like walking up the stairs, going from point A to B and I was not rushing to get anything done at all yet being effective with myself to direct things and get things done without hesitation or procrastination, like just breathing and getting things done. Now I have gone into this point of haste within the mind in relation to the system where I am rushing within the mind and moving in a point of haste when I go out and do things which is allowing the mind to take the reins within direction as I am quite unstable within this point of haste and rushing.

I applied the point of slowing down today, like slowing down as I walk down the stairs or go get coffee or go get water or driving from point a to b and things have gone a lot smoother than the previous days. I am much more relaxed with myself and much more directive of myself, I do not allow the movements of the mind to influence me to the extent that I was previously allowing via allowing the single point of moving with haste to rush within the mind and then allow the mind to take that rushing and generate a lot of energy and then stimulate thoughts in which I inevitably lose myself in after a while due to the lack of stability in breathing.

Slowing down is the solution here to this point of lack of direction, stress, and comfort within myself, or it is a cool point in which to ground myself within as I approach these points within myself. The point of haste is like an instability in which separates me from direction of myself and the mind and it like brings me to this point of confusion where I struggle to bring myself back here in breath with the body and awareness and give myself direction, so the point of slowing down and allowing myself to relax in any situation like with people and with doing things, I mean as I like deliberately direct myself to slow down and relax then I immediately move myself into this point of comfort and relaxation with all that I do. In this I really need to deliberately direct myself to do so and be aware of myself in each moment to continue and remain in the point of slowing myself down so in this I correct the point of stress and the point of uncomfortability.

In the next post I will write out Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements related to this point of slowing myself down

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Day 507 - What Happens When We Give the Mind Reins to Direct?

Before I continue with the point of comfort within the physical reality and temporariness there is a point that has been hindering me from living my true potential in writing and online tasks and that is entertainment.

Recently, as I have been writing I have been noticing that when I do not watch anything or entertain myself via visual stimulus; music is fine, I find that I take a hell of a lot longer to accomplish a task on the computer than I would without entertaining myself with visual stimulus and this is something that I certainly want to correct in my life because well I mean I am not living up to my true potential

So what is going on as I look for this visual stimulus? I am finding that the mind starts to race and think a lot late in the afternoon and I start to become like anxious about the things that I have to do and I cannot sit with myself for a bit and aim to move myself within the tasks, like I will jump quite a bit from point to point to point without a stable focus and attentive directive from myself, so I have been using movies and tv series to give myself something to focus on that will slow myself down from looking for other stimulus - well as I look at it, not really, I mean the jumping and lack of attention comes up first and then I start to watch something as a reply to the jumpiness of the mind. So this means that there is a lack of being here with myself in the physical, a lack of focus on direction with myself in the physical and thus that means that I am allowing the mind to direct myself as this jumpiness and hastiness comes up within myself. This point is common within myself, like I have been quite anxious/stressed/jumpy within my movement and directions for quite some time in my life and have not been able to be stable and directive for quite some time and so this point that is coming up is showing me that I have more points to apply and more awareness to create around this point and more direction to take within myself in relation to this point

In taking a look at the point of being hasty and anxious about doing the things in a day I see that it is really not helping me or supporting me to be stable and if I continue to allow myself to give into the point of like giving the mind some stimulus in order to be able to move myself I am not going to correct this point because now I am applying a stopping to this point via listening to music instead of watching an episode of something and the writing is becoming much easier and I am focused much more on writing this out than I was in previous days.

I have also noticed that when I do watch something that the point of hastiness doesn't disappear it is only masked, I notice this because I am not here breathing with myself in awareness of myself as I watch the series, even if I go outside for a bit and take a breath the point of hastiness is still within me and it is not corrected because I haven't applied the point of slowing myself down to be here with myself in the physical reality and be here with the body and moving with the body rather than within the point of hastiness/stress. I applied this for a few days and things were going good like I was applying myself really well in breathing and slowing myself down and being here with the body in each step and in each awareness then I lost that point of direction somewhere down the path since I've been back and I have been working with it since I started noticing that it was escalating again

The solution here is to bring myself back to here with myself, realizing that all that I need to move myself is breath and that I do not need these thoughts running around in the mind to direct myself. I can be here within breath and in a calm and relaxed state as I move and direct things and myself within my daily life. Like it isn't hard to apply but once I am in that state of hastiness it can be a bit difficult to get out of. I've realized that there isn't a need to think about that which I am doing and if I am thinking about that which I am doing then there is usually a warped idea behind/around/within the thoughts and thus I have the opportunity here showing to me to apply being here in breath more so and apply allowing the mind to go like allowing the mind to simply stop and slow down and direct myself through my physical actions and body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what it is that I am doing while I am doing it or to as well think about something else while I am participating in a physical action instead of being here with the body and the physical in awareness of what it is that I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through whatever it is that I have to do such as the laundry because of the constant thinking about what else there is I have to do and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply the realization that all I can do is one thing at a time and give my utmost attention to that one thing and in this one thing as well I do not need to be in the mind thinking about what else there is to do, all I need to do is be here within myself, calm, stable and directive. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look towards the mind to give me direction to set me on my way in the mornings or when I venture out to go do something instead of realizing and living the realization that I only need to be here with myself in breath and in the body moving myself and directing myself within one thing at a time. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on one thing at a time but constantly jump from task to task or jump my attention from one thing to the next instead of focusing solely on the one thing that I have to do at a time.

I commit myself to re-apply and re-live the point of being here with myself in breath all the time and not allowing myself to go into the mind and think about the future and think about the possibilities of the future - to remain here with myself from one moment to the next and to remain stable, as best I can, in breathing and direction and attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from focusing on one task at a time by giving into the mind in/as it's jumpiness and looking for stimulation via watching a series or something that will take my attention out of focusing on what it is that I am writing or what it is that I need to place my attention on

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work on living my true potential by stopping the constant movement within the mind in looking for a point of stimulus and bringing myself here in breathing and focusing on one task at a time

I commit myself to support and structure myself in keeping myself stable by removing and stopping this point of constantly looking for stimulation and direction via the mind and bring myself back here in focus and direction of myself

That is the point in essence. I am allowing myself to be directed by the mind instead of breathing and directing myself, like as I sit and watch a series for a while like 5-10 minutes while I just stare and not write, what I am doing here is allowing the mind to direct me instead of me taking the reins and directing myself which again relates to my breathing and being here with myself breathing and directing myself and simply doing the thing without allowing myself to be distracted by the mind.

I will continue on with this point in the next post as it is showing up more than the comfort point yet I will still continue on with the comfort point

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Day 506 - Comfort Within the Physical Reality

I have been looking for a point to write about how I experience myself within/as comfort or uncomfortable while being here in the physical reality. So as I was questioning this point within myself within what I have to work with in this point as I have not embarked on decorating my room yet or walked other physical dimensions of this point other than the physical communication point and living self-honestly as I communicate and walk throughout my day and then I brought my awareness back here to the physical reality - like I took a look at the entirety of what I was seeing as this house that I am staying in and I found something cool come up and that was an experience of discomfort. I was uncomfortable with my surroundings it was like I never saw it before lol, like I didn't feel at home here in the physical reality.

Now the reason why I feel uncomfortable when I place myself here in the physical reality is because I have spent a lot of time in the mind with thinking, creating ideas, creating beliefs, entertaining myself with whatever is going on in the mind which means that I have not spent a lot of time in the physical reality, I have not lived within the physical reality, I have not given myself an awareness of the physical reality, I mean it is certainly better now, but throughout my high school years and up to a few years ago I was constantly and consistently thinking about everything and anything that I could. I spent a lot of time in the mind thinking about a lot of things and therefore did not spend a lot of time in the physical. I developed a sense of self coming from the mind, I defined myself by/as the mind and continued participating in the mind to gather a definition of myself to which, through walking with desteni I have slowly walked myself out of, realizing that I am not how I have defined myself within the mind.

I applied this point a while ago, like a year or 2 ago, where I would stop and slow everything down that was going on in the mind and look at the physical reality and be like `holy shit` there is a world out there that I have not been paying attention to because I've been in my mind the whole time lol - but soon thereafter a thought would come up that would distract me for a second and then I would go right back into the mind and start thinking and projecting about whatever that thought was pertaining to. The thoughts and projections also usually encompassed an idea of myself within/as the ego like think about who I would be in that or this situation in that or this context and then live or enact within/as the idea/definition of myself and again I was rarely present in the physical reality, rarely present with myself here in breathing and present with the body and aware of all the things that are going on in the physical reality right before me and so as I apply this point I feel an uncomfortability within myself because I have not been here, it is like a whole new world opening up for me in which I have to step into and see and define lol. The uncomfortability is like a fear as well a fear of the unknown because I have not been here in the physical reality too often in my life and I do not know or and have not seen it much in my life, like taken into real consideration and sight the physical reality - the reality of the physical presence of the objects and people that surround me. It is the same thing as I was writing about in a few blogs back in relation to taking a step back from seeing a person as an idea or a definition of who they are and seeing the entirety of themselves and the physical reality behind them or within my view - where I take away the idea of the physical reality and take note of what things actually are and that they are actually here.

This is a cool point for me to apply because it shows me that I am walking myself out of the mind and bringing myself here . In the past I would react to the discomfort and fear and run back into the mind and think about something that would make me feel comfortable think about an idea in which I could create this sense of comfort within myself for/as the idea of who I am, but now there is much less of that now which, again, is cool as I can work with this point a lot easier now and I am able to remain here in the physical reality in breath much easier now. So now I have the opportunity to move on this point and remain here in breath and apply breath much more and bring my awareness back here to the physical reality

I will continue with Self Forgiveness in the next post in relation to comfort in the physical reality and applying awareness to myself here in the physical reality

Monday, August 25, 2014

Day 505 - Temporariness and Comfort

In my last post I was writing about a dream that I was having and a point within that dream is a point of comfort and how I see my reality as temporary and how I have not allowed myself to settle down and create a home for myself in which I can be comfortable, like allow myself to create a point in my reality where I develop a point of comfort - like the room and my place of living is directly related to how I express and live with myself in reality and the point in the dream which showed this point was that I was moving into a dorm room and then after a while I was fantasizing about going back home and being there where I felt comfortable.

So how I have lived my life for the past few years is within a state of temporariness where I have not made my room my own, have not added my own point of expression within it, even when I was living with my mother where, you know, one would feel comfort within the room that they are in, I still was living in a point of temporariness where I never felt settled in my room or in my reality, like I was constantly living in this point of always being ready to jump ship type of thing where I would not invest effort or care into my room in which I could call a `home`, I would not put up things that would be a part of my self expression, like no decorations and no opinions about how or what I would like to design my room as because I saw it as wasted effort, wasted effort into something that I saw myself as just leaving behind in time to come. This is how I experience myself now where in the house that I am living I do not know how long this will last and so I have held this point within myself of it being temporary and then have not allowed myself to root myself anywhere in which I can feel like home or feel comfortable and settled and relaxed within a space of my own - I mean taking a look at those words - a space of my own - I mean that is how I have lived here in this reality, like I am not a part of this reality - I have allowed people to walk over me and have allowed their opinion to influence mine because I have never felt like I am a part of this world - I have usually felt like I am impeding myself on another person's reality, like when I live with them or interact with them or work with them, whatever it is I have always held this point in myself in which I believe and perceive that I am intruding on their reality and thus I must submit to their reality and I must not have a stand of my own within this reality, I must not have an opinion and I must not have a influence on their reality because it is not my own, I am not a part of it which is absolutely fucked up and I am I glad that I am seeing this now because this whole point has been revolving around this belief of myself as being an intruder within another persons reality and this whole point of self suppression has been related to it.

The fact that I have not really seen myself as a participant in this reality or an equal participant in this reality is such a demented point lol - because I am, I mean I am here I am able to create myself here - I mean since I have not seen myself as an equal participant in this reality I have not developed myself, myself has been a merger from all people who have influenced my life, myself has been a chameleon of ideas and beliefs brought on by accepting others points of view of this world simply because I have not allowed myself to stand in this reality and stand for myself in this reality in/as how I would like to express myself in this reality and interact with this reality, with people, with things, and come to a stance within myself that is solid in which I have a basis for myself to interact with everyone and everything in this reality. I suppose this can be a benefit to me because when I take a look at this point, other people have solidified their relationship to this reality to such a degree that they may not be able to stand or walk past this point, where I am given the opportunity to now develop it and express it, like walk the principles here within desteni and establish myself within/as those principles. Regardless though this point of/as expressing myself and removing this point of temporariness must be developed and expressed in relation to this reality and creating a comfortableness within myself via expressing it within this room and within this house so that I create a home in which I am able to settle myself and express myself as an equal part of this reality

I will continue with this point in the next blog

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Day 504 - Competition and Comparison within Process

Before I continue with the point of comfort I am sharing these points in relation to myself in process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and perceive that giving up is a good idea when I see that I am not effective with a point of I am struggling with implementing a point or even learning a new point and from this go into a point of depression and self pity because I am not living what I was expecting myself to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other people in relation to process and when/as I see that they have considered more than I have then go into this point of inferiority and want to give up within a point of depression and self pity because I feel and believe that I am then useless to process when really process is not about a competition or comparison - it is about just me walking it and correcting my habits of participation in the mind with emotions/feelings/thought etc and in this realize that it is only me walking process with myself and it is not in competition with anyone because process is my own process, I am the one who creates it and expands it or diminishes it, and thus another person has no real relation to me walking my own process and thus the point of competition and/or comparison is irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and compare myself to another within process comparing myself in relation to being better or worse than another person and if I go into the point of believing/perceiving that I am worse than the other than go into this point of depression and self-pity as wanting to be a leader within process, but all of this I have to let go as it is only creating more shit and it is not supporting me in process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and live within the realization that process is my own creation and it is my own movement and it is the fruit of my own efforts and if I am competing or defining my process in relation to others movement and realizations then I am missing a big point within process and that is myself and the fact that my process is my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process in relation to other people's processes defining myself as inferior or superior to other people's processes and in this allow myself to go into emotional and feeling reactions towards this point of comparison and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk process for/as myself but from a point of comparison and competition

Friday, August 22, 2014

Day 503 - More Dimensions of Comfort

There is another dimension of comfort that I am see coming up within my reality. I had a good chat with my agreement partner about what a dream that I had meant and why the dream was there and what it was relating to. So the dream goes like this:

" I was in a dorm room and just started to attend a university here. I was packing my clothes away and some guy was like, no, you can't be here, I'm here, and I was like wtf, there is enough room here. He starts to take my clothes out of the dresser and kinda like forcing me out so I fought him and beat him up and said ok, are you ready to talk now? So he tells me that I cannot be in this dorm because of some reason and that I must apply to all the other dorms on that floor.

I take a look around the dorm that I am in and see that there are beds and rooms taken up by people but that there was still room there for me, so I don't fight that point, I apply to the other dorms. During the application process I talk and chat with all the people in the dorm room, there is quite a few people in there and I start to feel comfortable in my interactions with them, Overall though I feel as though I am unwanted and I think about travelling back and forth from the university and the job that I am having an interview for because they were located in the same town (both in the dream and in reality) and I question if I can just live back here in Kitchener and go back and forth because it didn't feel comfortable in that dorm room and I held this significance of being `home` in Kitchener

So I'm sitting down with everyone and they say that I've gone though the `loop` so I asked, wtf is the loop? and they tell me that all the other dorm rooms rejected me and now I am back at the application for the same dorm room.

So I go to my sisters which is somehow in the university as well and she tells me that when I applied they all said that I was a jerk - even Vincent lol - Vincent is a cat in the dream and yet he was a being occupying a space in the dorm room - so that was the last part of the dream- my sister woke me up after that"

So in this dream were a few cool things to mention the first being fighting the guy, where I have felt like I need to fight for myself in how I would want to live, and in this in relation to how I see myself in other people's space. I feel/believe/perceive that I am encroaching on their space when I am around them and usually give my power away to them in relation to directing me or telling me how/what it is that I am going to be living or participating in while in their company. So I felt like I needed to fight the guy to get my way, like fight the guy to live in the dorm room or be in this reality and to express what I would like within this reality - what is cool here though is that after I fought him I asked him "Are you ready to talk now" and this signifies that I am changing my approach to believing that I need to fight to talking it out and explaining things - regardless I have felt this point come up a few times since I've been home in Canada and it is another dimension to add to this point of comfort = expressing myself with the things that I would like to do unconditionally and not squashing my own expression through an inferiority complex. There is one instance that I can point out in which I changed this point - from fighting for my reality to expressing and talking it through

The second point is the word loop where I've gone into a loop and now I am back at the changing point because of the fact that I went `around the loop` and back at the application point - so this loop point can relate to many things but what I see is who I am within my reality in relation to jobs, in relation to movement, in relation to, you know, my entire dedication and starting point for process - like when I got back from the farm the first time I visited I had this dedication and determination within myself, then it slowly faded into a point where I lost myself quite badly and was struggling to find my way out so here this loop point could/can relate to that.

The third point is the expression of comfort within myself where I didn't feel like I had a home or a place in which I felt comfortable with myself and this point relates to how I create and live within myself in relation to expression with my reality and this is where the conversation with my agreement partner assisted and supported me. Now how I have lived within my reality in the past 3 or 4 years is like a point of temporariness where I have not allowed myself to create a home for myself, I have not put in the effort to make the space that I live in an expression of me, I simply have resided in it and have left it bare and blank. This is relevant because how I see reality is like a temporary blip of time where all things here are temporary, like I live in a certain place or a limited amount of time, I go to school for a certain amount of time, I work at a specific job for a certain amount of time and we live on this earth in a certain amount of time - so like I've seen this reality and my presence in this reality as being only temporary and therefore I have not really created a home for myself or a place of comfort for myself. So this point is another dimension in how I am to create and live this point of comfort for myself.

Overall there is a sense within me that I don't belong here, where ever it is that I am, like this point of being everything being a point of non-permanence and this point of believing/feeling like I don't belong here creates consequences for me in this reality where I am not effectively able to express myself in how I would like to in this reality.

In the next posts I will further expand on this point of seeing things as being temporary and offer solutions to myself in which I am able to life this point of comfort not only within communication within/as the who I am within that which I do but how I express myself via creating a home and then I will expand further on other points within the dream in a blogs later to come

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Day 502 - IDeas of Myself

I commit myself to do my best to remain in breath when in communication with individuals because I realize that when I am not breathing and I am not completely aware of the words I am speaking or the interaction that I am making with other individuals then I am usually giving my power of direction and creation over to an ideal of myself - giving my power to create the ideal or idea of myself in relation to who I am speaking about and in this I commit myself to when I am in communication with an individual and I see that I am not seeing the entire situation clearly - like I am focusing only on them and the energy involved with speaking/communicating then I stop, I breathe, and in that breath I bring myself back here to being here with myself in awareness and in calmness and in comfort with myself - placing myself in the standing position of the realization that I do not need to live within an idea or ideal of myself of who I am in relation to the other person or who/what I want to be seen as

I commit myself to looking at what idea or ideal that I am trying to present and live as when I go into that point of only focusing on the other individual in/as their expression or words and in that trying to mold and conform myself to how they live within themselves in order to create a relationship and in this define the ideal/idea as a word and then correct myself in relation to that word - take a look if I want to look at that ideal/idea and look at the word/energy that I am attempting to idealize myself within and take a look at where I am not honest within myself in/as expressing/living that word in my day to day life

I commit myself to check within myself each time that I am interacting and communicating with an individual to see if I am being honest with myself in/as who and how I live within myself and what I stand by/as within this lifetime and if I am not then I commit myself to take a breath, stop myself and slow myself down, slow myself down from attempting to make myself out to be something different than what I live in my life, and then from this humble myself with the who I am in each moment and what I have lived and what I live now in this lifetime so that I give myself the ability and opportunity to create comfort with myself and create a relationship of being comfortable with myself via stopping the attempts at making myself seem anything different than what I live and in this I commit myself to correct the relationship with myself in this aspect where instead of going into the mind and projecting/creating ideas/scenarios/beliefs of who I am and what I want to be different I stop those ideals and projections and scenarios and bring myself back here to the physical reality and seeing what is here within me and what is here in this physical reality because one thing is for sure when I go into those ideas of myself and that is that I am certainly not seeing the physical reality right in front of my eyes and I am not participating with the physical reality that is right here in front of my eyes because I realize that participating in the mind and allowing myself to attempt to live via the mind offers no support for myself transcending the mind and expressing/living in the physical reality and standing in equality with the body, with the mind and with the entirety of physical substance of this reality

When/as I find that I am separating myself from my physical body in order to go into the mind and attempt to live within an ideal that I have of myself, I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here in connection with my physical body and breathing because I realize and understand that in order for me to create a relationship of comfort with myself and stop looking outside of myself for points of comfort in a persons words or interactions with myself then I must be here with myself in this body and living within a point of self honesty, living within a point of self honesty meaning not attempting to create an idea or ideal of myself of who I am or what I live as with another person or with myself thus meaning to be honest with myself in/as what I live and who I am within what I do in each moment, and in this keep myself here within myself where I do not fear to be seen for who I am as I know and understand now that the only thing that matters is my self honesty with who I am in each moment of my day to day living and it does not matter about what or who another person thinks I am nor does it matter about who or what I THINK I am all that matters is self honesty within seeing who I am in each moment and what my starting point is in each moment and thus I commit myself to practice this each day and apply this each day from here on out - practice living and applying myself within self honesty in who I am in each moment and remaining here within myself in breath - stopping myself from going into the mind and attempting to create or live as an ideal of myself whether it be something that I want to see myself as or if I believe another person wants to see me as or if I want to see myself as in relation to another person = simply be here with myself in self honesty - not looking for or attempting to create an idea of myself of being different than who I am in each moment