Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Day 531 - Positive Reward System

So at work I had a reaction towards stopping smoking - or, well it has been here since I started the stopping lol - the reaction is one of apathy and sedateness. The first few days that I stopped smoking I found that I was in bed for a lot of the time, not wanting to do anything other than simply escape and hide from reality, and not participate in reality. At that time I wasn't exactly sure of what was going on, I was just going with it for the time being cause I was stopping smoking so I was going easy on myself with what I was doing and/or not doing. So I was sleeping a lot and not finding the will or movement or care within myself to get myself out of bed and do something - like I didn't even eat much for the first few days, I went 3/4 of a day without eating at first because of this point of apathy and being sedate.

So the reaction at work was a similar experience - the first day back from a few days off I was struggling with being at work, I was struggling with simply working and performing the tasks that was required of me for the job, so I spoke to the supervisors and left early. At that time I wasn't sure about the cause of that reaction, but in all self-honesty I simply didn't want to be at work. So last night as I was working I was on first break and I was in a similar reaction where I was looking for ways to get away from work, I was looking for excuses and ways to escape work because I didn't have a cigarette as that point of comfort or reward for doing something that I do not want to do with my life. So as I was in this point of reaction towards working and reaction of not having a cigarette, I was taking a look at what was going on within the mind and I found that the common theme towards the thoughts and reactions is that I have nothing to look forward to now with work - so like I have defined work as a shitty experience, something that I have not wanted to do and in this point I have looked for a reward for doing something that I have not wanted to do, the reward in this point being the cigarette - like I have attached such a positive polarity towards a cigarette that I have defined them as a reward and have looked for them as a reward when I do anything - lol like with the first example I gave of sleeping all day - the first thing that I would do in the morning would go out and have a cigarette and this as well was a part of the reward system - a reward for waking up and starting the day lol - kinda odd/weird, but nonetheless how I've structured myself within the mind and how I have structured the mind.

In this I found it fascinating how much I have participated in the reward system and how much influence it actually had over me, where if I have nothing to look forward to within doing something - you know, like something of self-interest within the task or job then I am completely reluctant and resistant towards performing the job, I am even resistant towards getting up in the morning which is a bit worrying really, cause like how much I have allowed this point of positive energy to influence my direction and influence my decisions on what I will do or what I won't do. Meaning that I have defined cigarettes in a positive limelight, and so whenever I do something that I have defined as negative, or even throughout the day in random intervals, I go use cigarettes to keep me going, as a positive stimulus to keep me moving on a particular direction/task, so in this there really hasn't been a point of self-direction in my life because of that point of needing a reward or a positive stimulus to move myself and that's what I saw as I talked about this point with Lauri - I saw that I have relied on cigarettes for so much rather than giving it to myself.

So where else do I see within this reward system structure? I see that I have definitely relied on a positive point at the end of the tunnel to keep me moving so in this I have constantly lived in this projection of the future of moving now to get something positive at the end of the tunnel, therefore with constantly thinking about or wanting a reward system structure I have missed myself here and have separated myself from being here with myself in every moment, I have not allowed myself to simply just be here with me in/as movement within a specific task or job and direct myself via will - instead I have used positive stimulus to move and direct myself lol - like a donkey chasing the carrot at the end of a stick. This is true as well because when I was in that point of reaction and saw the thoughts and emotions coming up I slowed myself down and brought myself back here and in that moment there was `nothing` meaning nothing to look forward to, no stimulus, no nothing, just me here with myself, so once I got rid of looking for that positive stimulus I was back here with myself deciding for myself what to do and deciding upon my direction

Back to the scenario at work - as I was sitting in my car going through the experience of lack of positive reward, I was watching the thoughts and emotions go on and I was looking for something beyond them, like looking for a solution to the point of looking for a reward for doing something - so I was sitting in my car and I took a look at the next stretch of work until the next break, and it was 2 hours, I took a look at the physical requirements of the job and I was like ok cool, you know, I can do that, it isn't as bad as I am making it out to be, it isn't going to be the death of me and I am cool with not needing and cool with not creating the want for a cigarette at the end of the stretch, I am cool with just being here and not looking for or wanting a positive stimulus as a reward or to keep me moving = I am cool with moving just to move and do the job without needing an extra point of stimulus to keep myself `happy` or satisfied. So once that point came here within me my expression changed dramatically, I basically had my expression back lol - like as I stated previously without that point of stimulus I was in a sedate state and in a lull of apathy, so I was numb and dull - once I was ok and cool with deciding to not need or want a reward I was back here and was able to be playful with the people around me and be playful with myself at work, so in that all it took was a decision to be cool with not needing positive stimulus to keep myself going.

This blog is getting a bit too long but I want to take a look more at this point of positive stimulus because I have noted, for a while, that I am quite subjective to this point of positive stimulus

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Day 530 - What I have been Denying Myself with Smoking

I recently had a chat with Lauri Kotaja about the point of quitting smoking as we are both embarking on the process of quitting smoking and what came up within the chat was really cool and really supportive. The biggest point that came up or more so an overall point that came up within the chat was what I have been denying myself by smoking because I have been using smoking as a point to suppress and ignore things going on within myself and have been using it as a point to move myself within the things that I do within this world - like I rely on cigarettes to work, to write, to basically move myself on all points that revolve around self-movement and therefore I have not been giving myself that point of grounding, that point of decision, that point of absolute movement. Within the reliance of cigarettes I have been denying myself self stability, self reliance, self direction, like I have relied on cigarettes for these points, relied on the existence of something outside of myself to maintain my self stability, which is then showing me that I am not stable in and of myself, and this has clearly been shown over the past few days as I walk the point of quitting where I have not moved myself within a specific task at all, I lost all motivation to do anything and I have to really push myself to get things going, like to get myself to write or to get myself to clean up, like little things I have no direction within, so like when I approached quitting all I would do all day is sleep, and then when I would fall and have a cigarette like suddenly the mind is clear from the fog and I am back here and tired of sitting around so then I decide to move myself and get some things done that I was putting off.

This point has become a fascinating point because I never really looked at how much I have been denying myself and denying of myself, like obviously I have been denying that these points of self-motivation still need to be created and lived without the need for an outside source to create that motivation. Same thing with depression where I have been denying that depression still exists within myself and that smoking has become a tool to suppress the depression within - like as long as I always have a cigarette then everything or anything will be fine as it has become my tool to use to deal with all point in this reality or deal with stress or something unexpectedly coming up - lol it is like a security blanket but as we all know with comfort zones, we do not expand ourselves when we stay within them and we do not step outside of what we already know/understand and give ourselves the opportunity to know/understand/live different and `more` things, so I admittedly have been struggling with the point of stopping smoking because I have feared going into the unknown and this whole point of stepping out of my comfort zone has been a difficult point for myself and each time that I walk through the point of quitting the same `experience` happens, - I go undirected for a bit and lounge around kinda in a fog for a while, I don't bring myself out of it via giving myself something to do - I go and smoke then the fog clears then I have a breath of fresh air so to speak and I then start to direct myself, so in this I mean I see that there is a simple point within directing myself like just give myself something to do within the moments of quitting or when the fog enters the mind because I realize that the fog is there because I am undirective of myself, the fog is there because I allow it to be there and deliberately create it via not stepping out of the state of apathy or laziness that I allow myself to go into and then direct myself within a point and push through any resistances that come up.

Anyhow I am getting a bit off track here, the overall point that I realized within investigating why smoking has been such a big point for me is that I have not been living my absolute potential by allowing myself to keep smoking as I am not allowing myself to give myself the points that I have been using smoking to bridge myself to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking as place holder for the points that I have yet to live for myself such as self movement, self direction, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I still have yet to absolutely establish myself within the points of self direction and self movement and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking to deny myself those points via allowing myself to continue smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny giving myself to myself by allowing myself to hold point of myself within smoking - meaning that I held me capacity and abilities to be linked to a bridge of/as smoking rather than giving them here to me unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on smoking in order to move myself within this reality, like using it as a comfort blanket, using it as something to keep me in my comfort zone as I walk points within this reality, in this limiting myself within/as walking them because I then rely on the cigarettes to keep me in the comfort zone rather than walking myself through it alone, walking myself through any discomfort via breathing and equalizing myself to the situation/scenario and investigating what is going on in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that quitting smoking is the hardest thing that I will do because of all the bridges that I have created towards self-stability, not really being here with myself in/as the decision to quit and not actually walking through or giving my full effort in quitting.

I commit myself to walking this process of stopping smoking into completion and when/as a point comes up in my reality wherein I start to want a cigarette to suppress or to handle or to deal with whatever is coming up to stop myself in that moment, breathe, and look at the point that I am not giving myself, like look at the point that I am not giving myself in that moment, like for example, self comfort or self stability, or relaxation and then breathe, slow myself down, and give that point to myself, like do my best to not get lost within the system that I am dealing with, but to find a way through the system, stop the system, and bring myself back to breath in stability and awareness

I commit myself to walking this addiction towards smoking to completion wherein if I do decide to have a cigarette again it is from an absolute standing within myself in knowing and understanding that I and the cigarette stand equal, where I am who I am without the cigarette and the cigarette exists on it's own as well, meaning no relationship of dependency exists, like relationship of dependency or relationship of needing or wanting - in this I commit myself to walk stopping cigarettes for myself, meaning make the choice here for myself, make the commitment here for myself to give the things that I have been not giving to myself.

So like for context with the whole cigarette point, not too long ago myself and a few others decided to walk quitting smoking for 21 days and what happened was that I ended up being the `last one standing` so what I related this point to was the fact that it was not up to me to walk it to completion on my own, meaning I had to walk it alone from there on out and once that point came up I fucked up cause this is a point within smoking that I have consistently fell on, which is standing alone, like it is my decision to stop and I'm the only one who can move that decision to being lived, so I fell more times than not in regards to standing alone and walking the decision for myself, so this is where I struggle with self movements, self direction where I have waited and for another person to walk a point with me or have waited for the point to come to me rather than take the point on for myself.

All in all I am here walking this point now - it has taken me a while to get myself to this point for sure, but here I am standing and walking this point at the moment, and truly, within myself, if I was to fall I would have already fallen lol - cause most of my attempts at quitting smoking have lasted 4 hours or like a day max.

Anyhow I found it incredibly fascinating that one point that I have accepted for so long can hold so many points of self within it, like as I talked this out with Lauri I never really looked at how many things I was denying myself within my lifetime and how heavily I was relying on cigarettes to get me through the day/week/month; using them as a security blanket.

I suggest to read Lauri's blog on this point as well as there are many SF statements that will be supportive for anyone walking a similar process.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Day 529 - Living Self-Honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and become a systematic set of personalities for the purpose of being accepted or to fit into a group of people, in this allowing myself to be dis-honest with myself in/as who I am and what I live by and in this, if I do accept myself to live in this way I am also accepting other people to live within personalities as well, entrapping myself and others within sets of personalities all for the point of fitting in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a certain way or doing a certain thing, and in this attempt to make the judgment less than what I am making it out to be within myself by lying or mis-representing certain points of information to create an idea of myself to be a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all I have within this lifetime is myself in/as my willingness and my ability to correct and walk my own process and to support/expand/understand/investigate myself and this world, and that as I look for groups in which to fit into in relation to wanting to be apart of something, then I am missing a key ingredient within this process and that ingredient is my self in/as my own stability - meaning that as I look for a group to fit into or make myself a part of, what I am doing in that moment is looking for direction via the group, rather than standing on my own and living for myself in/as making the decisions that I am able to make for myself and not compromising myself for a group, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by/as myself in each moment, but rather attempt to make myself out to be something more or preceivably more than what I am or specifically what I think of myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by and attempt to live by that which I think of myself in relation to the things that I define myself by/as - like for instance defining myself as being a person who walks process, now this is not who I am as a whole, it is something that I do, so to define myself as that and then attempt to make myself out to be more than what I think of myself within/as the definition of myself walking process is a lie to myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here and breathe with myself in/as the physical body in/as the realization that anything that moves within the mind in/as the definition of myself is not really who I am as life, and that if/when/as I accept myself as such points and I communicate them then I am supporting a lie, not only within myself, but within this entire reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap of the illusions of the mind of the definitions of myself without realizing that to define myself as something is to limit myself in this reality, and to define myself in/as a specific character is to limit myself in/as my expression in this reality, and it is not going to support myself within this reality, nor is it going to allow me to be honest with myself in/as what/how I live or what goes on within the mind, and is going to limit and hinder my ability to investigate and understand myself

I commit myself to slowing myself down when speaking to people, making sure that if judgments do come up in relation to myself where I attempt to define myself towards a specific action or doing within this reality, that I breathe, I realize that I am here in/of/as the physical reality and bring myself back here, speaking about what comes up here within myself, speaking self-honestly, not trying to define myself as something and stopping myself from attempting to make myself out to be anything more than what I live/do within my life

I commit myself to investigating these points of definition of myself and to in this remove the limiting definition of myself so that I do not limit my expression in this reality nor attempt to make myself out to be something that I am not and something that I do not entirely live by or apply within my life - but to use those points to expand myself and to bring myself back down to reality.

I commit myself to watch my words and watch the people who I am attempting to involve myself within and in that what it is that I am attempting to relate to them, but then in this walk myself within the point, meaning not attempting to make myself grandeur or live for another person's perception of myself or my own want for approval via another person's perception of me, but to simply walk me and be cool with myself in/as how what I live and do within this world

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Day 528 - How Judgment Impedes Self Honesty

Continuing on from the last post in this series of living the word self honesty - I want to expand and go deeper into this point because it is a point that I have lived in many ways throughout my life, where I have deliberately attempted to hide points or to attempt to make myself seem less or more than what I am via using specific words to manipulate myself or another person to see me as a certain way which I am not living.

Like what I have found that even when I am writing I have found that at times I write things indirectly or more like vaguely so that I do not really bring the point across of things like self judgment or shame or guilt or things like that. I will, for instance, use words like kinda, or a bit, you know, like dimming down the point so that how I come across within the words is not as `bad` or anything `bad`, but I mean this point of seeming myself as bad or fear of being seen as bad is only related to my own self judgment so as I attempt to dim down a point within another person what I am doing in that moment is not being absolutely honest with myself in/as the point and also not looking at the point within myself due to the judgment. So this is a point that I have been living for a while - like during my teenage years this point of expressing myself in an hyperbole like way, like, you know, speaking about myself in a point of excess like making myself try to be grandeur or again I try and create an idea of myself within myself and within another person of/as how I would like to be seen in/as how I live, but not actually living that point.

So the `deeper` dimension of this point that I want to take a look at is how I live this point with myself, like how do I make up these ideas of myself and then attempt to live them and the ideas being a lie. So for example I know that I do this within process, like I will create and live these or attempt to live these ideas of myself as being here or being effective or being diligent etc. So I will be working away at things, and maybe one day I get a lot done, I work on the DIP assignments, I get a lot of blogs done, I do not give myself a lot of `leisure` time, like I am constantly working on and doing things during the day, then I will start to have these thoughts of being effective or diligent or being good etc, which is a lie because it comes through in thoughts, like if it were real it would simply be lived as my expression in each and every moment - it doesn't need to come through in thoughts and an experience and energetical reaction from me. So these points are points where I judge myself in a positive way, meaning define myself as being good - the same way where I'll attempt to define myself as being `good` while I communicate to people.

So I mean what goes on in those moments is an attempt at defining myself, an attempt at defining myself in relation to a point of judgment that goes on in the mind - like what happens is that I judge myself for some reason - for example within the last blog it was a judgment for not being well developed within the video game, and therefore I went into this point of exaggerating myself within the video game to make myself seem better than I was/am, the same thing goes for points within process or any point for that matter; I will judge myself for a point then within the judgment for the point I will attempt to make the judgment not so bad and in this as well I will project the judgment onto another person and then in this try and make myself seem more than the point to lessen the judgment within myself - so the point here, is that when I note that there is a point of judgment within myself, so in this I will write out SF on this point in the next post and in this investigate how my own judgment of myself leads me to not live the point of self-honesty = where I try to fabricate an idea of myself

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Day 527 - I Am Who I Am

This point opened up at work yesterday night. So I found out that a few people from my work play the same video game that I play and I was talking to them about playing together. So as it opened up and as we started to communicate about the video game they were speaking about things that I had no clue about, like I don't play it that often, I play it every now and then, maybe twice a week or so, and they are hardcore gamers, like they play it everyday, so they obviously knew more than I did and as they were speaking about the things that I had no idea of I acted and communicated like I did know about what they were speaking of or acted as if I, as well, played a lot and was able to effectively play with them, because since the game is based on amount of hours played = better equipment etc, I was actually, in reality, not able to play with them due to the difficulty of the game at their levels, but anyhow the point is the fact that I was making myself out to be something that I am not, but also in this there was a level of insecurity/inferiority within myself as we were speaking about the game, like I didn't want to make them see me as being ineffective within the game, I wanted them to see me as someone who can also participate with them in the game, so I made myself out to be something that I simply wasn't, specifically something that they could relate to and then build a relationship off of, but I mean, with all points of a relationship, building a relationship based out of a mental idea of positivity or grandeur will only lead to an ineffective relationship, or most of the cases will lead to such.

The point within this though is being stable with myself, meaning not trying to make myself out to be anything that I am not, same goes for process points as well - like, as I wrote earlier within the blogs, the point of living self honesty, which is in essence not making myself out to be anything that I am not, like being honest with myself in all moments. So what was going on within myself at that time? I can see that I was wanting to be included, I was wanting to be a part of the group that was playing the game so I was attempting to make myself out to be something that would give me the best shot of being a part of that group, but in that I was not being honest with myself and I mean damn, don’t we do this all the time, I mean when we set out to be a part of a group or something and desperately want to fit in, don't we attempt to create something of ourselves that is not true - I mean shit it can even be applied to adulthood where we mimic and attempt to create ourselves as adults and in this not live honestly within ourselves but then create ideas of ourselves as being adults or create ideas of ourselves as needing to do or behave as an adult behaves and in this lose ourselves within the process of attempting to live as an idea, same goes for me where I lost myself within/as attempting to live as the idea of what I was attempting to live as being a gamer, rather than being honest with myself and the other person in/as stating the fact that I do not play it that much and that I am not that developed within the game - I mean within the skill of gaming, yes I am developed because it comes from physical memory, but the game in/of itself, no I am not developed, so I mean regardless I was attempting ot make myself out to be something that I am not and in this I was feeling insecure and uncomfortable within myself in relation to wanting to be accepted by another person or group of people in order to then participate in the activities that they were participating in.

The dimensions of this was that I was feeling alone, left out, like the job is new and I have been looking for someone in which I can relate to, to which I have found none and I mean this is ok, really, I mean I do not really need to find someone that I am looking to relate to in the sense that I am looking for, meaning someone who speaks self-honestly, someone who understands the principle that I live by etc, because I mean that point is few and far between within this world, so in that sense, it is cool to have myself, and something that I have been forgetting at work - meaning I am myself and I have myself within self honesty, I do not need to look for someone to relate to and develop a connection for support in that way = I have myself for that connection and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to attempt to fit in within a new environment by attempting to mold myself to the perceived norms of the groups or of the environment and in this deny myself my own care and my own support and deny myself basically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to fit in with another person by denying myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in to a group of individuals for support and/or comfort within this world, but in this wanting to fit in, deny myself and deny who I am and attempt to make myself out to be something that I am not in order to live by/as their rules or codes of conduct instead of being `true` to myself in/as checking myself and simply being who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for people to relate to when entering a new environment, but more specifically in this, deny who I am when entering the new environment simply in attempts to fit into the environment rather than being honest with myself in/as who I am and what I live and what I do within my life

I commit myself to, when speaking and/or interacting with people and I am noticing that I am putting on a mask within myself in order to fit in with the group, to breathe, to bring myself back here, realize that the want to be accepted or part of something is not important within that moment and that I do have a place where I `belong` and/or am a part of and in this I have myself here and that I do not need to make myself out to be anything special or grandeur, I can simply be here with myself in breath

I commit myself to re-applying the point of living self-honestly, not allowing myself to fear being a part of a group or to change myself in order to be part of a group and in this stop points of inferiority within myself in relation to relating to other people or being a part of a group with other people, and simply be and face who/what I am in each moment

Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 526 - Continuing To Work On Stress

Currently I have gotten a new job that is quite similar to my previous job and during my stay at that job I was living off stress, like who I was was constantly stressed and I basically went into adrenaline depletion or burn out. So the job that I am working now is like that one and I have been noticing similar patterns coming out in my behaviour that is related to the point of stress. For instance driving to work and back home I am driving as fast as I, relatively safely, can and as I am doing this I am obviously in a state of haste and rushing where I want to get from point a to b as fast as I can and the who I am in creating stress within the body.

As well, I am working nights and during the night the rhythms of the body are usually set to sleeping and thus having to keep myself up and working is placing stress on the body and also the pace/environment of the workplace is stress oriented, like I went through this in my previous job and it was a bit rough for me after a while, but again it was because of who I was within the job, meaning work as fast as I can to get the job done to either go home early or either relax after I completed the requirements, but again, I was stressed out during those times because of working too fast and holding this point of time within myself, like stressing about the amount of time that I have within the job.

So in this I have started to see myself participating in the same program during this job - like the first day I got back home from working I was scratching the shit out of myself, which is an indication that I have been participating in stress, like scratching my head and my arms which is also in relation to this point of folliculitis that I have been dealing with for a while - folliculitis is a infection of the hair follicles and it gets really fucking itchy at times. For example when the blood sugar goes low the arms get quite itchy - and when the body goes low it is goes into this state of stress, like a fight or flight mode, because it is lacking something that it needs to survive = glucose/sugar. So I have been using this point of scratching as a cross reference to myself participating in this point of stress.

As well the job is also time oriented - well I'm sure that all jobs are, but you have a certain amount of cases per hour that you need to pick and therefore a certain amount of cases per day that we need to pick - so within this point, in my previous job I would always hold that number in my head and always react to that number or pressure or time with a point of fear of not hitting those numbers, and I have been doing the same thing. Where I have been participating in this point of fear of not getting the numbers done and have been stressing myself out.

So what I have been doing is practicing a point that I applied only a few times in my previous job. I mean I looked at myself within my previous job and I saw that I could do the job, there was absolutely no need for myself to participate in that point for the stress, after a while I could do it with my eyes closed lol - so a few times, unfortunately, I allowed myself to simply breathe - I say unfortunately because it was only a few times, I allowed myself to breathe and not stress out about anything, I allowed myself to simply be here with each box and each order and simply build the orders and pick the boxes, so I have been applying this point within the job. Like really - there is no need to this conception of time within my mind at during the job, I mean I am there for 12 hours and there is no need to constantly look at the clock and worry about getting out of there or to project myself into the future or just worry about the job, because since it is quite a similar job to my previous one I already have the foundation to do the job properly. So in this I can just like `sit back` within myself and do the job at a comfortable pace and stick with myself in breathing, like be here with myself in each movement rather than in this point of haste - so I mean I am practicing this point at the moment and slowing myself down within the mind while at work and in this breathing and making sure that I am very fluid within the job because I noticed that when I am in that point of haste and stress that I am moving fast but it is like very sporadic, like I am rushing to one point, stopping, rushing to the next, and so on, wherein as I breathe I am very fluid, like I am aware of myself in the place and aware of what I am doing and what needs to be done next and I am not stressing out or fearing about this point, so like in this I see that there is not need for myself to access this stress pattern and I am going to work on and practice and show to myself that I do not need to create this point of stress throughout my life and then correct this pattern for myself - if there are other points that open up within this point of stress I will share them as, if you take a look at past blogs, this point of stress has been a point that I often deal with.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Day 525 - Conception of Time

So as I stated in my previous blog, this point of conception of time, going from one point to the next, is causing me to be in a state of stress and it is slowly building up, slowly building up meaning that I am becoming more and more stressed out at the amount of time that I have during the day and relating this to the amount of responsibilities I have each day or each week and fearing getting from point a to point b which is then, in that fear, allowing myself to create and generate an energy of stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself in my own movement, which is actually stating that I am fearing myself participating in the mind and allowing myself to go into a state within the mind where I then do not walk the points of responsibility that I have in my life, which will only happen and exist if I fear that point existing within me - meaning that there are these points where I am allowing myself to go into the mind and I am not completely aware of it, or I am aware of it, but not aware enough to stop myself or more so I am not stopping myself so there is this fear coming up in relation to this point of self-trust in getting everything done, but in this I realize that getting everything done is not the factor which solves this point - it is the who I am within what I do, meaning that process is not only writing, not only the online responsibilities, it is the physically lived changes that each of us create for ourselves, to get ourselves out of pre-programmed patterns and constructs to become more physically aware and more planted/rooted here in the physical reality and in breath, so to just push myself to get everything done in the hopes that it will stabilize myself within process is an illusion and a lie that I am telling myself, what will provide actual, substantial stabilization is actually walking and doing everything slowly because I will give myself more time and awareness to catch these points where I habitually start participating in the mind and will give me the time to start to notice any reactions or energies coming up within me - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself in relation to self-trust in stopping myself within the mind or moving myself within the physical reality when this lack of self-trust is directly related in attempting to move TOO fast in which I then start to ignore certain things and pick and choose what I will look at within the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to move really fast within this reality and within the mind, meaning to rush myself to a realization or to rush myself to a point of conclusion or to rush myself to stop a pattern that I am working on stopping, when in fact this point of rushing is only allowing myself to miss points and ignore others in relation to the pattern that I am working on and therefore is causing the point to escalate due to points being missed or ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a conception of time, well more so stress myself out at the conception of time, of getting things done as quick as possible and fitting as much as I can within a time frame but in this choosing quantity over quality, meaning as I rush and attempt to get things done as fast as I can I start to miss things and ignore things, this goes for both the physical reality and for the mental reality - and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea and the acceptance and creation of time, because time is actually man made - time doesn't actually exist, sure we spin around on a planet and revolve around the sun but those points are not MEASURED within the physical reality - they are only measured within our own creation of/as this system that we live in, and thus to participate in/as this point of conception of time, of getting from one place as fast as possible to the next place or doing one thing as fast as possible to get to the next thing in relation to the conception of time is not assisting or supporting me within process as I am allowing myself to stress myself out within the conception of time, so to move much slower with all things within my reality will assist and support myself.

I commit myself to move slower, move slower within the mind, move slower in the physical reality and not worry about time - meaning that if I do need to move quickly, to not go into a point of haste and rushing and projection into fears, but to remain here with myself, because still, if I need to move fast, the point of time is not needed again, it is simply to move fast here, not conception of the future, but moving with what is here with myself in a single moment, and in this I also commit myself to move slower within the mind so that I can catch everything that I am doing within the mind and become aware of the automation that I usually participate in, and in this moving slower, giving myself to really take the time to investigate what comes up, like investigate and give myself the, lol, effection (affection) or effectiveness that I have been looking for.

I commit myself to relaxing with myself, and again building up this point of trust within myself, I mean like taking a look at what and how I have been in the past days I cannot say that I have really abused my trust, but for some reason it has started to fade, which I see is in relation to moving fast and not being aware enough of myself participating in the mind, so, in this to move slower and give myself more patience and moving slower within the mind so that I can give myself effectiveness.

I commit myself to move slower throughout all of the time here, meaning like as I go get coffee, to move slow, as I drive to work, to go slowly and not rush within driving as fast as I can, to, as I write to not stand within this point of rushing or trying to get the writing done as fast as I can, but to be patient and investigative as I write myself out, so to not just write to get it done, but to be here in writing in/as a way to express myself and understand/investigate myself.