Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Day 440 - Dis-Traction From The Physical Part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within the mind where I allow myself to think about many many things within a short span of time, all to keep myself occupied and entertained

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind to entertain myself by thinking about random events from the past and/or using these events to create future projections, connecting a point of energy to the thoughts/imaginations so that I can remain entertained while I work/live/interact within the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a program within myself that always looked to be entertained and looks to be stimulated by energy or entertainment via using the mind instead of working with myself here in the physical giving myself direction here in the physical and facing what is here within the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself within the mind via thoughts and energy so that I do not need to face the physical reality and the pace that the physical reality exists within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move very quickly within the mind throughout my life wherein I constantly allowed myself to think about things in the future tense or in the past tense, entertaining myself with varying thoughts about what I did or what I will do or what I could've done, all for the purpose of keeping myself entertained as I live throughout this life within the physical reality, because I was bored with my reality, I was bored with my life, I was bored with what life had to offer and could not find a purpose or cause to direct myself within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the physical life is boring and mundane, when really, I did not take a single look or gave a single fuck about what really is going on in this reality in regards to starvation, war, murder, poverty, the destruction of nature and all I gave a fuck about what my own enjoyment and entertainment in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this reality is boring when I have not even given myself the chance to take a look at the physical reality and what/how it operates, and what moves the operations, how the mind functions, what consequences the mind has on this reality, what/how things came to be this way and what/how am I able to contribute to a solution - stating that I don't give a fuck about this world when/as I allowed myself to become bored, as I ALLOW myself to become bored now, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use boredom as an excuse to not direct myself, meaning even now as I participate in this construct of participating in the mind while doing the common tasks that I do throughout the day - I use boredom as an excuse to not direct the thoughts that come up nor myself within the thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind while I am doing common tasks within this world because I have created the belief/perception that I am bored within doing the common tasks such as brushing my teeth or making food or walking and I need a form of entertainment to keep myself stimulated, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mind as a form of entertainment to combat the belief that I am constantly bored within this reality but not understanding that when I am bored I am simply not being directive within/as myself = giving myself something to do, to focus on within the physical reality and thus the mind takes over with this point of entertainment as how I have constructed/developed it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am bored it means that I am not directing myself and looking for a point of energy, meaning that I am not giving myself the responsibility to move myself here in the physical reality within a task/objective and just waiting for something to happen to me in - allowing myself to go into the mind and think in order to create energy and an experience in relation to the thoughts that come up

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself an awareness of the physical body when I am doing the perceivably mundane tasks within this world, like brushing my teeth, wherein I wait for the time to pass and wait for the body to get done what it is doing instead of creating myself as an equal participant within the task here in the physical - meaning be here with myself in the body and move myself with the body instead of allowing the body to move in automation while I participate in the mind

I commit myself to give myself awareness when/as I am doing the tasks that I believe are mundane within this reality and must be done on a daily basis, this means to be here with myself while I do the repetitive tasks and to, at the moment, do my best to stop the thoughts from coming up and to remain here with the body in the repetitive tasks giving myself awareness of the physical reality and myself within it

I commit myself to do my best to remain here in the body throughout the day, especially the morning as I have noticed that the program/construct will start in the morning if I go into the pattern of thinking about random things as I walk through the morning ritual type of thing, and in this to do my best to remain physically aware of myself within the movements, breath and the surroundings

I commit myself to practicing this throughout the day, each day, so that I can correct this program because I find that if I allow myself to go into the point of thinking about random events and connecting energy to them I become influenced and then directed by the energy throughout the day which causes consequences that I do not like to have in this life, and in this I commit myself to looking at where/how I believe that I am bored and believe that this task is mundane and am waiting for the time to pass and the automation to be done so that I can move on with a point of self interest usually, - in this I commit myself to look at all point that I have allowed myself to go into automation within the perspective that it is boring and bring myself back here in the body to investigate what is really going on within the physical as I participate in that `mundane` activity

Monday, April 14, 2014

Day 439 - Dis-Traction From The Physical Part 3

So what I have noticed from looking at this pattern is that I often go off into the mind and start thinking when I get up to do a task that I have done very often, like make coffee, or go to the washroom, or brush my teeth - you know, like anything that has been programmed since childhood, and since it is something that I have commonly done throughout my life I then allow myself to go into the mind. So in this the question is no what is it that I do when I access this program/construct.

Who I am is comfortable enough with the movements and knowing how to do the movements that I allow myself to go into the mind and entertain myself, I mean as I look at what I think about while I go off into the mind within random thoughts, I see that most are there for a point of entertainment through the use of energy. I may think about what I might do next within the day or what I might need to do, but these points commonly exist within energy, or energy exists within them. Like I will think about what I am going to do after I make coffee, and I may think about eating something, but this point of eating something comes from self interest, thinking about what I WANT to eat and not considering what to eat with the body in mind and what nutrients it needs in that moment, so from this there is a movement of energy within that moment, or I could be thinking about a past event or a made up event derived from memories or past moments within the timeline of the day, again, these points have moments of energy attached to them, and in this it is a point of entertainment.

So let's look at the point of boredom with the physical reality as I notice that if it is a point of entertainment then boredom is a point to look at within this. I remember when I was younger, a pre-teen specfically I was really fucking bored with life. So for the most part my pre-teen and teenage years were filled with tv and video games, anything that was to do with a screen that would/could occupy time before `something` happened that I could go do or direct myself within. I didn't like school, I got out of the phase of playing sports and doing physical things with my friends, like when I was younger than pre-teen I could go outside and simply play and create game with my friends to go play, I stopped much of my participation within physical reality and started integrating myself more into movies, television, porn, and video games. After a while I got completely fucking bored with my life, I got bored with television, I got bored with video games, and for the most part I would sit in my room doing nothing, like the tv was still on or I would still play video games, but I was bored within it, I would play the games but after a while, a quick while I would feel that it was the same thing over and over again, and it was. It was the same thing over and over again, you would control a person, shoot, kill other people and walk through objectives within the game or story line. Same thing with tv, I would watch the same shows over and over so I knew what would happen within the story line, and in this I would allow myself to be bored. I had not objectives within life, I had not hobbies or real interests of my own that had to do with the physical reality. Over time I simply just got bored, I started to go into drugs, and more into porn, something that would provide a influx of energy to keep myself occupied throughout life. That was the point, something to keep myself occupied while I wasted away to death because I was really bored with life, I was bored with the mundane trivialities of everyday life.

I remember within this time of my life I created an alternate ego for myself which was titled "Alwayz Bored" - because that is how I experienced myself - like there was no fun within life, the entertainment was no longer fun. I wanted something out of life but I couldn't quite put my finger on what I wanted out of life, so I remained bored, I remained undirected of myself in life, and I remained directed by circumstances and events that would `happen` to me so to speak. That is certainly something that I missed at that point in my life. I didn't investigate what I wanted out of life, I didn't investigate what life was and what could be created from it, didn't look at where/how I could participate within the system where I would be of use and feel like the boredom was done. Although, I see that this would not have cured the point of boredom because slowly but surely I would become bored of the mundane lifestyle that working within the system or applying myself within the system would bring, like working 9-5 all week and then going home on the weekends to do whatever.

So, as I take a look at this point now, the point of boredom still resonates within me. I am still bored with this reality, I still find no `fun` or `joy` or `entertainment` within this reality. Like there is nothing to look forward to within life - so when/as I am doing these mundane tasks, or the everyday tasks that I do within my life, I go into the mind and start entertaining myself, I start thinking about things that have a point of excitement within them - a point of energy connected to the thoughts. So in this I dis-tract myself from the physical reality. I separate myself from being here in the physical reality in the slowness of the movement of the physical reality - in the inhale and exhale of the breath. So I go into the mind to entertain myself and remove myself from, essentially fear, of the world moving slowly, remove myself from the innate boredom with the physical reality that I have experienced through this lifetime. I still live this pattern out as well. Like today, I was looking for an experience of something while I sat and wrote the beginning of this blog so I decided to play a video game while I wrote as well, and it got boring VERY quickly, and then I looked for another experience to go into but could not feel satisfied within anything that I did - so in this I could not just be here with myself writing, I had to have a point of entertainment to reduce the boredom of being here with myself and writing

Cool - I am satisfied with this so I will take it up to here and continue on in the next post

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Day 438 - Dis-Traction From the Physical Part 2

Before I continue on with further investigating this point in my day, I need to write some SF on this point because I see how often I am participating in this construct without awareness and without direction of myself within it, so this is to give myself the point of responsibility to walk it more within each day so that I can start to investigate it because without the awareness of myself within it I am not really looking at it when/as it comes up I am more so participating in it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of when I go into the mind and start thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind in thoughts/projections/ideas/fantasies without awareness, like I am on automatic pilot in those moments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly give my attention and focus into the mind, instead of practicing remaining constant in my physical application and awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to periodically go into the mind when I am doing random tasks in the physical, like when I am brushing my teeth or making food or walking from point a to point b, or when I am physically working, without awareness and without directing myself within the thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to when I have gone into the mind and started thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately participate in the mind with thoughts/fantasies/projections/ideas because the image of the constructs presents a fascinating opportunity to create something within the mind, to create an alternative reality, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that even though the alternative reality may seem idealistic, it is still useless and irrelevant in relation to the physical reality and provides no substance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to when/as I stand up to go walk or to go do something like make a coffee or get some food that I do so from the starting point of the physical, like when I get up I place myself here in the body and continue to move myself within the body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate whether or not when/as I move to get a coffee or make food that the starting point might be from the mind and thus I continue on within the mind as I am making food, or making coffee which is a reason that I may be participating in the mind the entire time when/as I am getting food or making coffee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here in the physical and letting go of the mind and the imagination that I participate in while I am moving myself in the physical, like it is too scary to be here the entire time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too boring to be here the entire time, so I allow myself to participate in the mind with imaginations and thoughts and fantasies to occupy myself while I am doing something in this physical

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how much things I am missing within the physical reality because I have been allowing myself to participate in the mind while I am doing something in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be unaware of myself moving into the mind while I am doing something within the physical and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be in the mind while the body is doing something physical that has been automated, like making coffee or walking, not understanding that I am missing so much in this reality, missing the body, missing the breath, missing myself, missing the ability to understand this reality and be here in equality and oneness with this reality through allowing myself to participate in the mind within the seemingly mundane tasks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to go into the mind while I do the perceivable mundane tasks, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of all the moments and movements that I do within the perceivably mundane tasks within this world

I'll continue in the next blog

Friday, April 11, 2014

Day 437 - Dis-Traction from the Physical

The past few days I have been noticing that when I am talking to a person, or when I am focusing on doing something like writing or working or cooking or making coffee, I will be focused on that one point quite well, meaning I will be here with the person or the thing that I am interacting with but then a random thought will take me to a memory or an idea of what I must do later on within the day or later on in my life, and this thought distracts me quite well from continuing to focus on what the other person is saying and it also will stop me from interacting with the object that I am performing a task with. It seems like loud thought that occupies the mind, like it just shoots up from no where and I start to look at it and think about the thought more so. So here is the point of self responsibility = I accept the thought, I allow the `loudness` of the thought to kinda shock me into looking at it, and I attach a weight to the thought, making it seem like it is important to think about in that moment, more important than paying attention to what is here and what is going on around me.

I find this now even as I write. Just before I wrote those words I caught myself thinking about how I should approach the next sentence, like what words do I need to/can I start off with to elaborate on the point that I am attempting to explain within this blog, and it distracted me from being here with the keyboard, the blog, the computer and distracted me from typing out the point as it is here within myself. Like I started to look ahead of where I was now into what I am to do within the one moment in the future and started to project and envision what I am going to do at that one point, instead of remaining here in the physical and typing here from myself, typing as each word flows out, not trying to move myself from a point within future projection, just from here.

The one moment that sparked like a `oh shit` feeling within me, not so much feeling, but like seeing oh shit this has certainly become an issue now is when I was in a car speaking to another person. We were on the way home and as we were talking a single thought of what I wanted to do when I got home popped up into the mind, and it was a loud thought, so I thought about it and looked at what I needed/wanted to do when I got back to the house and soon enough I realized that I could not/was not paying attention to any of the words that the person had been speaking from the moment the thought came up and I was completely lost within what they were saying, so I had to just say yes and agree, even though I was unaware of the words that they were saying and unaware of the context that was being spoken. So I mean, this is not cool for me to allow any longer and certainly must change.

To take a look at that moment in a bit more detail, what was being spoken about in that moment I was not connecting to, meaning it was not resonating in my physical wherein I was in complete attention, the words were not striking the body with attentiveness, like I had no place holders for the context or words that were being spoken in that moment, so in this I was still a bit lost within the conversation, so in this the conversation, the physical points of the words did not have my full attention, I was not giving my full attention to the conversation in that moment. This means that I gave way for the thoughts to enter, I gave way for the mind to distract and gave way for the mind to think about something that seemed more important in that moment. Taking this point and merging it with the other instances that this point occurs within I find that I am not completely giving my attention to what is here and allowing the other person to do the directing/talking/movement of the interaction instead of being an equal participant within the physical movements/interactions. So like within the conversation that I was having I wasn't here participating by looking at the words that the other person was speaking, I was not taking them into the body and taking a look at the context, I was more so letting them slip by quickly, gathering the gist of what the other person was saying. This gives way for myself to participate more within the mind and gives way for the mind to take over in such instances because I am not here directing myself with the words, looking at the words and see where/how I am able to respond to keep the conversation moving/flowing and giving an equal `effort` within participation in the conversation.

Another instance when this pattern shows itself is when I am working here at the farm. I am finding that when working I am doing the following and waiting for direction, I find that since I am not able to have the immediate knowledge of what to do here on the farm, I stand back and wait for the others to decide on what/how to direct the situation/work and in these moments that I am standing back I go into the mind and start distracting myself with thoughts. I certainly let myself do this, because I consider myself unable to participate in a decision in that moment so I go off into the mind and think about things which is something that I am unsatisfied with because I do not allow myself to move myself in those moments, I do not allow myself to be effective within the job/task that I am doing because once I accept one thought I continue in the same process throughout the rest of the time unless I take a step back from it all and I really direct it in that moment which can be, not difficult, but not something that I want to do in that moment because as I stated before I have given weight to the thoughts that run within the mind and this `weight` is an energy. Also when/as I am working and these points are coming up is usually when/as I am tired and am working, meaning I am slugglish and not totally `here` in participation, like I don't feel energized or as if I can move myself effectively, this I have found is a point of self suppression as I have gone through this point while working at home, and what I have found that helps this point out is moving faster and doing something physically quick and hard to get the body moving here in the physical and to stop participating in the mind. So I mean this is the point within all of this - to move myself here in the physical rather than in the mind and to remain attentive while participating in the physical within conversation or with physical work so that these random thoughts that come up cease to distract me from focusing on what is here and moving myself

So the few things here the focus on are - Physical movement, Physical attentiveness which means paying attention to words and paying attention to the physical, stopping myself from moving in the mind with `weighted` thoughts, and if/when a thought does come up, to remove myself from participating in it quickly, and to move myself back in the body. So in the next blog I am going to take each point one by one and write about them in relation to myself allowing myself to participate in the mind when/as each of these points comes up

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Day 436 - Specificity and Change Part 2

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself in/as my starting point of process which has lead to myself not walking any point with real efficiency and effectiveness because I have wanted a quick fix solution to the problems/experiences within the mind and within this reality, and have thus from that starting point have hoped to only glaze over the problems I face within the mind and with energy, causing myself to repeat the same patterns over again

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be specific with every instance that the pattern shows itself and that the pattern/program exists within, positive and negative, because I have not allowed myself to really dedicate myself to looking or being introspective into the inner workings of myself, more so running away from the deep roots of the programs, and hoping that through cutting off the leaves of the branches I am able to transcend the pattern/program, not realizing, or more so, not wanting to see that in order to really remove myself from a program and a program from myself I need to dig deep to the roots of the program, where the program originated and understand why at that moment I accepted myself to live/access/create the program into myself and the mind, and approach real correction and real solutions that last eternally from that point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not be specific with how I am to change myself and how I am to script myself when the same instances exist that trigger the same program, because I had not wanted to put my entire beingness into the movement of myself to get to the bottom of myself and understand the workings of myself, the mind, and the body completely

I commit myself to stopping myself from using generalization to skim over points but to get a foundation for the point initially so I have an understanding of what is going on within the point, but to not leave it there, to go deeper into the point, investigating each moment when the point comes up, small or big, meaning that I commit myself to in this walk one point at a time with absolute specificity, and if I cannot write about that point within the day, I can write about the realizations I have had since walking that point or I can write about what I see within this world in other aspects/dimensions of it, meaning that I do not need to limit myself to writing about only the one point as it may take some time to really walk through and correct and apply within my practical physical living, thus the one point that I walk does not need to encompass the only thing that I look at within this world, but to be aware of each and every moment that it comes up and to then investigate where it is coming from, the external and internal factors involved within the point coming up, and accordingly write and investigate and walk a correction for the particular moment/situation/instance that it is coming up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that what I have been allowing myself to do within process is not going to yield any results because I am not LIVING the results through being absolutely specific in my application in all dimensions of a point and that what I am doing right now within generalizing points that I am walking within a day

I commit myself to walking this process for myself in specificity, meaning I have walked this process not to simply understand myself but for an ideal of myself, instead of realizing that I must walk this process for myself in commitment and dedication and persistence unto myself/for myself and not for a point outside of myself in which I have seen as idealistic, and in this I commit myself to remove the ideals that I have created about what/how/who I will be throughout walking this process because those points are irrelevant because I will decide and create myself as I walk corrections in the moment, and thus I will not be an ideal, but be me here with myself making choices and decisions for myself within the principles of equality and oneness and living what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dig deep into myself to see the real shit within all that I do, to see the real negativity that I experience, not seeing/realizing/understanding that any point of positivity is really only veiling something negative that I am feeling/wanting to avoid within myself and thus the second I feel good about a point as if I have transcended the point I place a flag unto this point to stop and take a look at what it is that I am hiding from myself and what it is that I am not diving deeper into.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support and assist myself throughout this process by not being specific enough with writing, with self forgiveness, with correction statements and with my living application in each moment, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become the living embodiment of process, wherein at all times I am living the points of process and walking my process on this Earth regardless of situation/environment/or persons around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/percieve that all previous points I have walked have become null and void, and in this fearing starting from the beginning of everything, not see/realizing/understanding that I have walked an understanding thus far, it is only to dedicate myself further and completely to being as specific as I can be with each point that I am facing and walk the point within all moments that it rears its face

I see/realize that I have not been as effective in this process as I can be because I have not been as specific as I can be and have walked this process with only a generalization of the points and have not gone deep and investigated all thoughts when they come up in relation to the one point, that I dedicate myself to walk now, at a time, and have wanted to put these thoughts/feelings/emotions aside in hopes that they will only fade away with time, but have not admitted to myself that since they are coming up again and again that my approach has not been effective nor really supportive of myself within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put in minimal effort to really live a point of change through allowing myself to generalize points and to only look at/live corrections within only some moments, not understanding that to really change and to be effective with change I must live these corrections in each moment here as myself as the living embodiment of self correction

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take process seriously by putting in the effort needed within specificity when defining movements of energy within the mind, when the movements come up, what triggers the movements, and to be equally specific when scripting a solution for myself to live when similar scenarios exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to bypass putting in the effort needed to really walk through a point within the mind through generalizing and skimming over a point instead of looking at and investigating all instances where the same construct exists and comes forth within my reality, meaning to really focus within myself to walk a point of change fully and completely; taking on each thought and each moment that the construct comes up within, taking on meaning to investigate why and how it is that the particular construct came up in that one moment and why/how I am allowing that point to exist as me or to have influence over the choices and direction that I make

I commit myself to looking at a point in as much specificity as I can see with the given instances and examples that the point rears its head by moving myself slowly through the memory of it coming up, looking at what was going on in the mind, looking at what was going on in the body, what was going on in the external environment, taking apart the entire situation so that I am able to give myself an effective understanding of how/where/when/why the program/construct initiates and activates

Day 435 - Specificity and Change



This is a common belief that is/has been plaguing me for a while. The belief that I have not changed and that I am still living most of the patterns that I have been working on for years is something that is/has been bothering me wherein, each time I take a look at the general process of myself there is this general belief that I have not changed in relation to how I would like to live in relation to myself - like it is still a fight with myself to move myself into the willingness to push points into change. Each time I do look at this I get this feeling of frustrations and agitation, like I cannot move past this wall into deciding within myself to make this absolute commitment within myself to walk through, and do all things necessary to support myself in changing patterns and habits that I have lived. There is still this want for a quick fix solution wherein I can simply generalize what is going on within a point, write sf, and hope that I have changed, instead of going into the absolute nitty gritty of what exists within me or within the point or behind the point itself, you know, just like skimming the surface of a point and hoping to change through putting in only the effort to skim the surface of the point, so I mean in this I see that most things I have not changed absolutely, but have only creating small spurts of change instead of really looking at what is going on within the point and investigating all details of the point so that I can gather all information to `grab the bull by the horns` and stop myself in that moment - lead and direct myself within the points in those moments.

I mean sure there are some points within my life that I have changed, but I find that I have ended up repeating the patterns after a moment of change, like for example within work, I changed myself within work to keep a steady and stable job, but the who I was/am within work remained the same, meaning that I would resist working, and through this point of resistance, I would often compromise myself within working and having a stable life, and I find that this is because I would move myself into a point of change within work, but over time, from not being specific enough in my application, I would repeat this pattern slowly but surely over time and not completely directing similar patterns and thoughts as they come up because I was not specific enough in my application so I didn't really see/notice that they were building, I had the assumption that I had moved through the point, but really this was only dishonesty, from the point of not wanting to face that I had more work to do within applying/correcting the point absolutely.

So the reason why this belief exists and frustration and agitation exists is because I have not pushed myself within the point nor the point itself fully by investigating every little damn detail within the point, every little thought, every little reaction, every little emotion/feeling, regardless of the perceived importance of it, and thus I have allowed myself to pine over why it is that I have not moved into a point of change in completion and why it is that these points/patterns/programs keep re-emerging. So the point remains that being specific is an absolute must in order to effectively and fully change a point within myself, something that I have been reluctant to doing, not really understanding/living the point that this process out of the mind requires as much dedication to detail as the mind has done with creating itself, and how I have allowed the mind to consume so much information to create such details.

The point of agitation and irritation has only allowed me to not see the reason/cause for myself not walking or living real effective change in each moment, because I did not approach it with each moment in consideration, only a general overview of the point wherein each moment has specifics as to why THAT moment triggers reactions and patterns within me, and thus it is to investigate every and all moments that that pattern emerges within absolute specificity within what is going on in the mind and the physical reality so that I can give myself an effective stance within the mind when/as these moments/points emerge within myself

Obviously this is something that I have not given to myself throughout process because I want/wanted the quick fix solution for all points within myself, I wanted to be able to generalize the point enough that I would cover `all` bases within the point, but failed to implement and admit to myself that how I am approaching effective change within points is simply not effective enough and must be re-evaluated in/as how I am approaching the points. Certainly this must be done by myself now. I must re-evaluate my starting point within process entirely, must re-evaluate which points have lasted, and which ones still need to be worked on/expanded further into to get to the root cause of the programming and the trigger points and really make this commitment unto myself to walk this process In specificity and detail - making sure not to miss a single point, and if I do, to go back to the point and correct it.

So I was definitely a bit hard on myself in the beginning of this post, but sure enough this point does remain within me, the point of not being specific enough to effectively walk change because I do see how I have allowed certain specific patterns to repeat throughout walking process and have not really transcended the main points that I have been working on, meaning I have not put a complete end to the points and the physical manifestation of the points because I have not been specific enough. So in this It is to reassess and re-evaluate my starting point within process and align myself to myself in real dedication and commitment to being absolutely specific as I can within each point that I walk so that I can get to the root of the problem and not only remove some leaves or branches from the problem, hoping that it won't sprout up again

I will write SF and SCS in the next point as I see that I must do that for myself within this point of being specific

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Day 434 - Letting Myself Go Part 5

In the past Self Forgiveness posts I have been looking at the design of this program and have found that self judgment is relevant to why/as I hold myself back and hold myself still, keeping myself from speaking at certain times, and why it is that I am not able to relax here within myself as I communicate/interact with other people in this reality. So like because of the past and what I have held onto from/as the past, creating self judgment within, I sabotage myself from allowing myself to be here with myself unconditionally within whatever it is that I am doing in any moment. So herein the correction lies within every and all moments that I am here with myself, to let go of all past memories and beliefs of myself as being inferior or unequal to others in this world, and to realize that I am able to direct myself in any and every situation and that I am able to have an equal say within what/how I live this life, you know, instead of looking for and wanting to be directed by others, and/or following/moving from another's perception or perspective of myself.

I commit myself to stopping the judgment of myself for past events and memories though walking a practical application of myself in every moment via being here with myself in the physical reality as I communicate and interact with other people in the physical reality and assess myself meaning be aware of what I am doing and what I am saying instead of focusing on the other persons reactions and movements, stopping myself from dictating myself based on their reactions movements

I commit myself to stopping myself from outwardly projecting any insecurities and fears that I have of myself onto other people in social situations and contexts and from this stop assuming that others are going to view me this way and stop myself from creating the experience of being insecure and fearful of other people, and I do this practically by bringing myself back here into physical reality, wherein I focus hereon the body and words and movements and assess the who I am within the movements and align it to a point within myself wherein I know and can stand by each word, each movement, each interaction, in/as a point of trusting myself in/as who I am and thus not needing to look outwards for approval of my interactions/words/behaviour

When/as I am in a social environment and I am looking out wards for approval from others for myself being there, I stop, I breathe, I focus myself out of the mind and onto the body simultaneously asking myself the question of who am I in this moment and what would I like from myself then I align myself to myself here moving myself for myself and interacting how I would like to act, stopping myself from looking outwards, and stopping myself from moving from the mind, meaning stop myself from giving attention to the mind in/as the movements of thoughts, and in place of that focus, give focus to myself in the physical and the movement of myself through self direction

I commit myself to redefine, recommit, re-establish the relationship with myself wherein I do not exist as past memories or beliefs of myself regarding being inferior or insecure about living here in this world and turn this point into living here now, being here with myself in the present, wherein I am here and can hear what is around me and can respond accordingly within/as the principles that I stand within/as

I commit myself to giving myself the opportunity to live in this world, meaning that throughout time and my life I have given myself to others, essentially allowed them to walk over me , so in this I mean that I commit myself to stand up for myself in this lifetime, speaking and saying that I would like this world to exist as and how I would like to exist within this world given what I have learnt through the desteni material and given from what I have learnt from exploring what is going on in this world, and to in this, no longer accept and allow myself to move myself from the reactions of others, in this giving myself to myself, giving myself the trust in myself to move myself regardless of environment or individuals within the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness

When/as I feel inferior to another individual I look at what word is coming up in relation to the energy of the inferiority, I take a look at that word and bring it here as me, if I can living it here in that one moment, if not, then I place that word as a bookmark to further investigate when I have the spare time, and from there I stop myself from going into that every in/as the wanting to live that word as they are living or living that word as an external stimulus or for energy and then from there bring myself back into the body in physical reality and move myself within a point of comfort and trust from myself, not looking or wanting or needing a specific reaction of positivity or acceptance from another individual

When/as I meet a new person and that energy of inferiority comes up in/as the belief that I do not know who I am in that moment, I stop, I breathe, I look at myself and realize that I do not need to accept this point of inferiority, I stop the experience of inferiority and realize that I am here as well, meaning that they exist and so do I, thus I do not need to conform or comply to all of their wises, I am able to stand on my own and expression a decision for myself within what I would like within this world

I commit myself to releasing myself entirely from this resonant experience of being inferior to others in this world by working with myself in ALL moments that this experience comes up so that I retrain and unlearn the resonant experiences that I have allowed from myself regarding this experience of inferiority and insecurity in relation to being around other people and holding myself still and stiff, not allowing myself to move in this reality how I would like