Sunday, August 30, 2015

Day 568 - Resistance and Removing It

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thoughts that are inherent within resistance, thoughts such as wasting time with a meaningless task or with accepting a thought of "I will get to it later" when in fact I have the time now.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the awareness towards the thoughts that are wreaking with resistance, more awareness within the fact of me seeing the resistance and deciding to do something about the resistance rather than accepting the thought and knowing that I am in fact going into resistance and willingly accepting the resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do nothing but accept the thought that is laced with resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the resistance because there is a fear of moving myself beyond the limitations that I have already and have been accepting from myself, within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that in order for myself to change and to move myself and create the being that I see the potential for myself to become, I must push myself through the resistance, but it isn't even a through the resistance but a simple breath and walk myself around the resistance with simple physical movements and breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move from the mind in relation to giving myself a direction - meaning that when/as I look at what to do I do so through the mind rather than being here within the body and moving myself from the body and breathing - within this I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to create stress from the movement within the mind within/as thinking about what it is that I have to do next and in this creating a point of resistance towards the thing that I need to do next as I think about it instead of moving on it from/within/as the body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I do, in fact, need to address the thoughts of resistance, the thoughts in which I `waste` time within or the thoughts that delay and procrastinate the tasks and responsibilities that I have within the day because without addressing those thoughts I am only going to allow myself to continue along the exact same path that I have been on

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, when a thought that is laced with resistance comes up, see the thought for what it is, understand that if I allow myself to go into that thought that I am delaying myself movement, that I am holding myself back, and for what? To entertain myself a bit more or to do nothing,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that the resistance and the `feeling` within the thought of resistance is actually what I want for myself, when it in fact isn't, what I want for and from myself is to give myself that little push to create something within my life and create self-direction rather than simply following and being guided, not only by thoughts but by the system as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy existent within the thoughts of resistance, believing that the resistance is going to `give me something` when in reality the only thing that is going to give me something is my own physical movement within tasks and assignments and projects that I give to myself.

When/as I see a thought of resistance comes up such as putting off a task or assignment for a little bit longer or allowing myself to watch a movie for a bit longer without writing or without physically moving to breathe and release the energy from within that thought because I realise and understand that I, in fact, do not want to sit and waste time and give into the resistance and because I realise that resistance only brings me to the same place that I always have been, walking the same patterns and walking the same characters without real practical change.

I commit myself to not allow myself to fall for the same trap that I have been allowing myself to fall for within accepting resistance to exist within me because I realise that I no longer, nor have I actually ever wanted the resistance, I have only allowed it to exist through the fear of change and the fear of pushing and moving myself in a different direction than what I have been previously allowing and directing myself within

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Day 567 - Resistance and Instability

As I approach a subject or task that involves a lot of resistance within myself I start to feel quite unstable within myself, start to feel anxious and jittery, like as if I really want to get away from whatever it is that I am about to do and go do something else. Within this experience I have allowed it to direct my behaviour wherein I wait until I start to settle within myself before I work on the task, which does take up some time. Within the jitteriness and anxiousness I find that it start s to settle when I sit down with myself and start to work on the one thing
that I am resisting - like the whole experience of myself is all beforehand and then as I breathe and type in a few characters on the keyboard everything within myself starts to settle and I become a bit more calm.

The experience that I am looking at here is like a deliberate acceptance of resistance towards the activity that I am embarking upon. Then within the acceptance of resistance I make it out to be `more than` what it actually is, you know, like I will sit and stir within the instability for a bit and try to get myself to calm down within myself but within actually looking at the resistance, what I am doing there is accepting the resistance and playing into the resistance for a bit longer than what I actually need to - so here there is a moment within myself where I accept myself to think about the task that I am about to do before I do it - looking at the resistance and looking at the subject that I am about to work on, then within this I do not move immediately within myself to then work on it in the physical reality - I allow myself to create ideas and create these resistances within myself to only hold myself back a bit more and waste time trying to stabilise myself while I am the one in the first place creating the instability via thinking about myself moving rather than moving on the point with immediacy.

I have walked a point of resistance for quite some time. Resistance is how I have developed a relationship to myself and responsibilities where I allow myself to think about the task more than working on the task itself. From thinking about the task before hand I immediately create this resistance within myself because even within the thoughts themselves exists the resistance - if there was no resistance then there would be no need for me to think about the assignment previously - simply look at the opportunity for me to move on it and then do it.

So I am creating my own instability, my own stress and my own anxiousness because I am allowing myself to sit and stir within myself about the task at hand. I see that this is certainly not needed from me and is only creating more issues for myself.

I have allowed this pattern to exist for some time, and I mean it comes down to the slightest things as well. Things such as testing blood sugar or getting water = I will think about it for a bit before I do it, thus within this I am allowing myself to then separate myself from whatever it is that I am doing within the moment of thought. For instance: if I am here typing away on the keyboard and the thought comes up to get some water and I allow myself to stray away from focusing on what I am writing and focus on myself getting up and going to get some water then I need to bring my attention back to focusing on writing which then creates the instability that I experience within resistance, so resistance is showing it's face in many forms, such as distractions. If I am not absolutely aware nor focused on what is right in front of me or what I am doing and allow my thoughts to stray from the task at hand then I distract myself, even for something such as water - you know, like the small tasks that have previously seemed irrelevant now become relevant within that moment for the purpose of taking myself away from focusing on what it is that I am doing.

This is something that I have been neglecting within my process where I have allowed myself to entertain the resistance and give into the resistance and it has not gifted me anything, realistically speaking it has only allowed me to procrastinate easier and/or participate within laziness easier, which I will be taking up within a few blogs to come because that is a point that I have been currently facing in my day to day living and assisting and supporting myself to walk through as I start to understand it and start to give myself motivation and structure within the laziness that I experience.

So what I am expressing here within this blog is the fact that I am creating my own instability by allowing myself to focus on thoughts of doing something or getting something done rather than to practically walk the task in the physical reality as soon as the opportunity comes up. And this will be something that I will be pushing myself within in the days and weeks to come as I am not enjoying the instability that I experience nor the consequences of allowing myself to participate and accept resistances as they are absolutely hindering my movement and capabilities within this world. I will be writing self forgiveness on resistances in the next blog. Thank you

Friday, July 31, 2015

Day 566 - Direction and Purpose

Going back a few blogs I was touching upon the point of purpose and what I have been looking at recently is how I have been accepting and looking for direction from other people.

I have allowed myself to frequently look towards other people for direction and purpose within my life, meaning I would often accept another person's ideas or perceptions or advices on where/how to direct my life and look at where/how I can incorporate that point within my life without actually understanding what it is that I want to do with that information nor understanding what it is that I actually would like to pursue within my life and how I am able to practically, within the physical reality, pursue that point. I have often allowed myself to be sidetracked by my allowance of influence from other people because within myself I never actually sat down with myself and walked a timeline of the physical reality in looking at how it's possible to walk a route towards the goals/ideas that I have for myself.

The problem with accepting other people's ideas and allowing myself to be influenced by them is because of the physical timeline process. With looking at what it is that I want to create for myself within this life and how I would like to live in this life and committing myself to creating these things for myself I became more stable in `knowing` myself and understanding my goals for myself.

I have been looking at the point of what it is that I want to move on within my life. I have had many many options and paths to choose from ranging from a systematic life to a life in which I am the boss and I have had to really take a look at what I want to give to myself within this lifetime, simply for myself, you know, like what I want to live, because, well, this is my life after all and living for other people, which is what I have been doing, isn't going to give me a life that I would actually want. Living my life for myself does not mean avoiding or rejecting other people, assisting or supporting them is still a purpose of mine and something I aim to incorporate as it is something that I would like to incorporate into my life.

So I had to have a look at what I wanted to create within this life, I looked at the point of school and that was a yes in my book, previously it has been an idea of what I need to do in relation to other people and/or an idea that I needed to go through school in relation to the standards of the system. From that starting point I was never absolutely certain that what I wanted to do was go to school and study because the point was always in separation from myself wherein it as not a confident decision within myself, I allowed influence from other sources to create that decision and thus uncertainty derived from it. When making the decision to commit myself to school I had to look at it for myself. There was always the idea behind why I would like to go to school, like the end goal of what I wanted to achieve within school and that end goal itself was a point influenced from other people, so I simply looked at the short time line, of simply going to school and that point within myself was a certainty. I then had to look at the physical processes of what it is going to take to put myself through school - meaning I have looked at it before but have depended on loans or other people to assist financially and I would much rather support myself through it without support from other people or institutions if possible. In looking at the physical processes I had to make a few more commitments to myself, specifically regarding money and how I am going to make a good chunk of money to pay for school.

Anyhow, the point that I am getting at here is purpose and direction, from what I've seen within myself, comes from looking at the short term goals that we want to achieve, then looking at if that is really what we would like to do. Like looking too far into the future of our goals, what we want to achieve kinda places our movement `out there` and not in a real tangible reality where we can look and see what physical steps we need to take in the first place to get to that end goal; and maybe along the way that end goal will change. It has for me where I am unsure of the end goal but certain that within the short term I would like to approach school. So looking too far into the future in relation to what it is that we want to create allows this point of movement and direction to fail to be grounded in the physical reality. In looking at the `short term` goals, like what we want to create or move upon within a year or six months the realities of our direction or the purpose that we want to move on become much more tangible and we then are able to give ourselves real world practical direction, seeing what we can do within a day to day or week to week basis.

So if you have allowed other people's influence affect your decisions, this can even be friends or relatives being successful or quick within getting a career and you're pushing yourself in a direction which you aren't confident within to then take a step back from the whole idea of what you're looking at creating or take a step back from the path that you're currently walking and take a look at a short timeline in front of you, look at the points that come up within that timeline and make a decision/commitment to yourself to then walk that point, in this we can become sure of ourselves within our path even if we're unsure of our end goal.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Day 565 - The Design of Self Judgement

I was having a conversation with a buddy and we were talking about ourselves within self judgement and what exists within ourselves in relation to the judgements, how the design if accepted into ourselves and how we hold judgements against ourselves for our past mistakes and how that may be hard to let go of because of our tendency to repeat those mistakes within ourselves, repeat here meaning to not necessarily repeat them in the physical but to reply the memories within ourselves and hold those judgements against ourselves over and over.

Within this we have these secrets about ourselves that we try and hide from other people, things that we see or believe that we have done `wrong` within or have committed some crime or act that makes ourselves look bad and within this we then start to fear these things coming to the surface within our personal relationships and/or realities. These are things that we have not embraced nor have been self honest about and we hold these ideas of ourselves within the memories in which we then judge ourselves by. This can be quite a fuck up because while we're being social and/or among a group of people we're always within this tense state or stressed state within ourselves due to the fear of them finding things out about ourselves, so in this as well we are not here with ourselves embracing ourselves entirely, usually within a state of separation within/as judgement. This doesn't only affect ourselves but also affects the relationships around us because if we're here within a state of judgement towards ourselves this is also going to be projected onto the people around us and onto the environment or situations around us as well. This is what I have seen within the design and a large part of the point within the design of self judgement is also a lack of self honesty.

Self honesty in relation to self judgement relates because within the judgements that we hold of ourselves, within the memories and the ideas within ourselves we are not looking at the full spectrum of what is going on within the image/picture of the judgement itself, we are not looking within ourselves and within the movement of decisions and thoughts that are existing within ourselves within that moment. We only tend to look at the small moment of judgement, the act that makes us define ourselves as less than ourselves or less than other people. I do this still with a select few memories in which I have not taken a self honest look at nor have I applied self forgiveness within the memories. Forgiveness is certainly a very important aspect of letting go and removing the design of self judgement. Within the memories obviously there are these designs that we are judging ourselves for, within me there is this one memory in which I am completely oblivious to another person's `advances` towards a relationship with me and in this I am judging the obliviousness and the lack of understanding and lack of awareness of myself within that moment but within that memory I am not looking at what was going on within my mind, what I was focused on, and how I decided to act and how I saw the act in itself, I saw the act as more so a joke and a playfulness rather than a serious attempt at getting my attention. So the reason that this memory comes up is because within the memory and image of myself there is this like, "Damn I was so obviously/dumb" within the memory but when looking at it in self honesty and seeing what was going on in my head at that moment I can see why/how I allowed myself to not take the request seriously and take a step back from the moment and realize what was going on, and within self honesty the judgement is less because it is an understanding of what was going on within myself rather than the judgement of the image and/or judgement of my actions.

So self honesty and self forgiveness are two very important things to practice and perfect when dealing with points of self judgement, because, as with all judgements, we only look at the face value of the image or actions that we're working with, we're not looking beyond and into the reasons that create such an action or decision. This point is very useful when looking at ourselves within decisions and actions as well. If we are prone and/or have developed quite a habit of being judgemental of ourselves then self honesty and self forgiveness and real introspection into ourselves will help greatly within making the decisions within future and present timelines.

The design of self judgement is only looking at the image at face value, judgement in itself does not include anything beyond the superficial world. So to help and assist ourselves in letting go of self judgements the key is to then look beyond the superficial world and look at the reasons and movements within a decision or action and to understand those first and foremost before jumping to a conclusion based in judgement or self judgement.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Day 564 - Understanding Ego

So what is Ego? Ego is currently how we have defined ourselves within our lives, it dictates what we accept and allow ourselves to participate within, it dictates who we are going to be within any given situation and decides what/how we will direct ourselves throughout our lives. Based on the definitions that we hold of ourselves this limits what we see, what we experience and what we decide to do.

From our experiences within our lives from childhood we start to hold dear certain aspects of ourselves, even the perceivably negative aspects of ourselves we start to value and define ourselves by. For example, I have often played games as a child and so I can then define myself as a `gamer` or a person whom is interested in video games and so thoughts and experiences and directions can revolve around video games. We can start to define ourselves as a gamer or as a hockey player or a sports enthusiast, or this can be a definition of ourselves as being lazy or an excited person and then these backchats and ideas of ourselves start to form and circulate within the mind and boom there is ego, there is our definition of ourselves and the idea within/as who we are within this life.

Now what I have been walking in the past few blogs have been in relation to these ideas of myself and the points that I have noticed that I react to are things that I have previously thought and judged about myself. Meaning, say there are dishes on the counter and I am there doing my business around the counter and a thought pops up to do the dishes but I think about `my time` and spending my time doing the dishes and I decide no, I will not do the dishes. Then let's say that someone points out the fact that the dishes are piling up in the context of not taking responsibility or contributing which, as how I have defined it, is the antithesis of laziness, then how I have defined myself within/as a laziness and judged myself for that laziness comes up immediately and then I go into a point of self judgement, so here the point for me to look at then is how I judge myself for certain `attributes` that I have defined myself as and have accepted a negative polarity towards and have accepted myself to judge those points, and also to look at how I have accepted the definition of myself as being lazy or irresponsible and have embodied that definition of myself through the past habits and behaviours of myself.

So as I stated, these points are points in which I have already thought about, the reactions that come up within me are things that I have already thought about doing - for example that definition of being lazy wherein I already thought about doing the dishes and then that thought comes up of the idea of who I am as lazy or selfish, then if someone points it out then immediately comes the reaction. These are the points that I will focus on in the coming days, the points wherein I want to push myself past the boundaries and limits of thoughts that have defined me or that I have accepted to define me, the thoughts that contradict another thought or idea that I have had, obviously within common sense and self honesty, for example the dishes point where if I have the thought to do dishes to then push myself to do the dishes and forgive any thoughts that come up in relation to not doing the dishes or nothing wanting to give up `my` time to work on the dishes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the thoughts that come up wherein I aim to push myself to do more than what I have accepted myself to program to and in the suppression to then accept a thought that is relevant to the programming that I already have defined myself and have accepted within the past

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within accepting the thought of my past preprogramming that I am also inheritantly accepting the pre-programming of self judgement as I am judging myself for having that thought and acting within the thought of my pre-programming of/as being lazy or putting in a half assed effort or something similar

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I have a thought in which I aim to push myself past my limitations and boundaries that that point within me is a cool point for me to follow, yet when/as a thought that comes up in relation to keeping myself in past patterns that I aim to move through and transcend that program I limit myself from expanding myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is easier to follow the past programming because that is where/hoe the neurons are accustomed to flowing and that it is going to take a push in a moment of awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to past patterns in which and how I have defined myself in relation to ego, and in relation to self judgement wherein I am aware that if I accept those thoughts of limitation that I am going to repeat the same patterns that I have lived

When/as I see a thought come up that contradicts what I am planning on doing which is align to expanding myself and changing myself to then, within that moment, breathe, see the thought for what it is, realize that I need to give myself a push to continue on with the point that is going to give myself a point of expansion, because I realise and understand that accepting that thought is going to only allowing me to repeat past patterns and not expand or move myself within the direction that I would like

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Day 563 - Self Forgiveness on Backchatting Ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self judgements as an excuse and justification for not taking the initiative within myself and making a change to that which I am judging - enslaving myself to the emotions of judgements and not making a step for myself to push myself past and beyond my limitations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring reactions back to myself when I take something personally that a person said and see where and how it is that I am judging myself within what I had taken personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can define myself through thinking about myself within specific scenarios that paint me within a light that I want to see myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about myself within specific scenarios in order to see myself and define myself within an idea that I want to see of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, everything that I see myself enter the mind and start to think about who I am or what I would be within this scenario or what I could have said within a memory or past event to immediately see and recognise that I am separating myself from the physical reality and holding myself locked within the mind, holding my expression locked within the mind and in flagging this point bring myself back to awareness of my physical body and physical awareness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do my best to be here with myself within the body and in the physical, aware of myself and my surroundings, and keep myself out of the mind simply through a decision on my part to place myself here, to drop myself into the body and remain stable within breathing and awareness of my physical self and stop trying to create an imagined self through ego and thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what I could be instead of seeing and looking at what and who I am within the actions and movements and decisions that I make within my day to day living and in this practice self honesty, practice seeing the real me and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into imagining a false me through ego

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to transfer the thoughts of imagining how I can be in scenarios into self expression wherein as I go back into the mind and look at how I `could have been` take a look at how I was accepting myself to exist within a point of insecurity and correct that point, take a look at the thoughts that I was accepting within that moment, looking at the relationship that I was holding with that other person/being, and introspect into the relationship with myself as the other person and with myself within that moment and learn about how to correct who I am existing as and correct the relationship with myself instead of only imagining myself as changing through thinking about myself within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as a being of expression and abuse my own expression via allowing myself to lock my expression away within the mind via placing it within an imagination and placing it within thought rather than action of an expression of myself within the physical reality

I commit myself to when/as I see that I am within the mind and thinking about how I `could` have been within a specific scenario or memory or creating a completely made up scenario, to flag that moment within myself as a signal to bring myself back here and if it continues, if I continue within it, to then look at where/how I am accepting a point of judgement of myself where I am attempting to make myself seem more than what I am

I commit myself to bring myself back here, to do my best at bringing myself back here in breathing and awareness of the physical environment around me, the sounds, the objects, the movements, and aware of my physical body

Monday, June 29, 2015

Day 562 - Removing Self Judgements

So with working on the point of self judgement what I have been applying myself within is not going into the thoughts of self judgement. So like when I sleep in for quite a while or when/as I am not active in writing and/or I am lazy then I apply myself in not entering the thoughts of like being a bad person or feeling like I am less than another person for sleeping late or being inactive for a while and it has been helping in relation to just not going into self judgement, but the difficult for myself at the moment is to then move myself past the habits and behaviours that I have accepted because that point of change of myself has been so heavily dependent on the negative energy, so like there is no judgement and no negative energy coming up but there is a dissatisfaction remaining, so then this dissatisfaction is where I must move from.

The dissatisfaction is like understanding that what I am accepting from myself is not my utmost potential whatsoever and that I can change those habits and patterns from myself. And what I have also noticed is that without the judgement I am looking deeper, looking into the thoughts and experiences that I am accepting from myself that I am dissatisfied about. With sleeping in I am looking at the experience of myself within sleeping and looking at the thought and experience that I allow when waking up in which I accept myself to just go back to bed and sleep for longer. Like this morning I saw the thought of it just being a decision to get out of bed and wake up or make the decision to stay within bed lol, unfortunately I did make the same decision but there was no judgement when I woke up later, I saw it come up, I breathed, I stabilized myself, brought myself here and relaxed with myself getting up and facing the people how have already been up for so long in which I would usually compare and judge myself within.

So now what I am looking at here is a point of change without judgement in the things that I am dissatisfied with. What I see within the decision is to make that push within myself to move past the same decisions that have manifested and created the habits that I am dissatisfied with. I mean it doesn't need to come from an angered point or come from a negative energy, it can simply come from that point of deciding for myself that this is what I want for myself, I mean I guess that is what it has always been but I have approached it different or approached it within an ill way that manifests an ill relationship with myself = one of self judgement and not of acceptance or embracing myself within the things that I am dissatisfied about and making a change in my decisive patterns.

What I have seen from looking at the point of sleeping in today and the thoughts and experience that I allow within myself in order to continue sleeping or go back into bed is that the decision isn't going to come naturally, meaning what has been natural is for me to continue accepting the same patterns and thoughts that I have allowed up until this moment and it is going to take a push from myself to just say no within that moment, breathe and direct myself into the `unknown`.

I have noted that when I do not judge myself the expression of myself remains quite constant as well which is nice because there are not so many swings from myself since I have been working on the point of judgement, and I feel lighter within the body which is pleasant.

What I am looking at here is one point of self judgement there is still the points of ego which I need to remove, defining myself by the ideas and beliefs of myself and who I should be or what I should be, I mean the one point here that I am looking at is the negative experience that comes from the judgement but there are also deeper dimensions to the judgement, meaning the judgement comes from how I want to see myself or how I have been accepting myself to portray myself to myself via thoughts and ideas about myself rather than simply taking a look at myself in self honesty within the physical and within the mind which will take an unbiased look at myself within the mind - looking at myself unconditionally and not looking for a specific idea or image of myself which I will start to open up more in the following blogs.

So stopping the judgements is quite easy, breathe, stabilize yourself and let go of any negativity, any want to beat up on yourself and just bring yourself back here and remind yourself that you're still here, there is no wasted time or anything like that, just bring yourself back here, not looking in the past of what you have accepted, not looking at what you have accepted from yourself from a starting point of negativity or judgement or regret, but bring yourself back here and move yourself here within what is here, because what we've done within the past is no longer here, start anew and recommit yourself to being here and giving yourself the best of yourself with yourself here lol - sounds fairly simple and it is a shame that it has taken me a while to get here but it is a process.

So in the next blogs I will be working on going deeper into the judgement and ego process of myself as well as more self forgiveness on it