Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Day 589 - Resistance To Applying Myself

I have been approaching the point of resistance in the past few weeks and there are points that I do resist that are easy to move through and do and then there are other points of resistance which are more of a struggle for me and these points are within applying myself. So there are things like dishes or cleaning which I have been resisting that are easy to apply and get done and then there are points of things such as writing down my readings and keeping track of the management of myself within diabetes. This point came up when I was talking with another person regarding a pattern of high blood sugars in the morning and they were related to the point of resistance and what the body goes through when in this point of resistance, like the sluggishness which then creates a slow movement of the processes of the body which then heightens the blood sugar over night - and at that time I was still resisting a lot of things. So recently this point happened where I woke up with quite a high blood sugar reading and I was in this point of resisting some things and not resisting others and the point that tested out to be the cause of the high blood sugar was resisting writing down the blood sugar readings for the day when/as I was not resisting other things, like I did dishes and I worked on other responsibilities and so it made me question wtf was going on.

The point of recording the blood sugar readings is a point of applying myself and a point of taking care of myself and basically keeping track of myself so that I can apply myself and see patterns within myself to then correct to then give myself better care and a better life for myself. That is a point that I was resisting on the night before the morning of the high blood sugar and that is the point that I have been looking at recently. Where in my life am I lacking this point of applying myself, and how I am lacking or resisting applying myself.

I have found that it comes up in many instances, like the resistance to sit down with myself and write out a point and to apply self forgiveness on a point, which is the point of keeping track of myself and managing the patterns so that I can correct myself and see where/how to correct myself or to apply myself within a bit of creativity to see an opportunity to correct myself. So I have been looking at this point lately and looking at the solution to it. I mean writing down the blood sugar readings is quite easy, I only need to take a moment out of my time after work and go through the metre and write them down, and I have also been looking at this point of applying myself in regards to not allowing things to pile up and become a large task to do when/as it reaches its limit and to where I cannot `stand` it any longer. A perfect example of this is dishes. I eat a bowl of cereal a few times a week in the mornings before work and what I have done is to just leave the bowl on the table and leave for work and then the cereal dries up and sticks to the bowl which then makes it more difficult to clean later on. This is a point of allowing things to accumulate rather than managing the dishes or points as they come up, and it was a point of resistance that is creating this. Like I just wanted to leave things and go to work and also when I get home - to make food and then shower and go to sleep when all it takes is a little moment out of my time to wash or even rinse the dishes. So that is what I have been applying as I've been finding this point in a few areas of my life

Keeping `on top` of things is a lot nicer because there isn't an overwhelming experience of so much to do on the days that I have off and I can thus then get to more stuff because the things aren't piling up. This point also applies to other points within my life, like pertaining to emotions - there have been points that I have not been directing or applying myself within at work, so rather than allowing the point to accumulate recently I have been applying forgiveness at work and allowing myself to take the time within myself to process and look for solutions.

So, This is another point of resistance that I have been facing and another point that has contributed to an accumulation of other points that have been growing. It is still only in the beginning stages because the high blood sugar trigger happened recently, but I can see where and how I have given into this point of resistance and how, through small contributions managing the points to gather introspection and gather little bits of information as I look at it to then come up with a solution or correction is not that hard, it only takes that one decision or moment to `get back on top of things`

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 588 - The Resistance Part 2

Resistance still comes up quite often and, as I wrote in the previous blog, it is hard, or I make it hard on myself to get myself out of the resistance due to energetical experiences of self interest and of bringing myself back down to earth. It's like I enjoy this experience of comfort of being a couch potato and I cringe at the thought of giving it up for a moment to bring myself back here and give myself a task or work on something. What this is showing me is that there is still a resistance towards facing myself and also walking the physical process points that are applicable to me within process at the moment, like I am still going into energy quite often and not wanting to let that experience of energy go to then tackle the physical process points that need to be addressed within my life at the moment.

Like now, I have been watching a series and there is that energy running around within myself of feeling comfortable within allowing myself to just watch the show and do nothing else because it is something that is `easy` for me to get lost in and, well, in doing so I have been losing myself. Meaning I have not been giving myself the insight needed to really be introspective of myself and thus I have been `losing` myself within this point of resistance. I have been finding that I have not had much to say about myself or about life with other people than the basics, like the point of understanding this world and understanding myself has been blown away in the wind as I've participated in this point of resistance.

In letting go of judgments and letting go of being hard on myself to desire to change this point, like desiring to change this point yet not putting in the effort to understand what is actually going on within myself, I see that I have allowed this point of comfort to take reign in my life. Regardless it is still this point of resistance, resistance and reluctance to letting go of the experience of myself within the point of comfort to tackle a physical point, and I have been resisting to letting go of this point of comfort and taking that first step to move past the experience of myself within comfort and face these points of change.

There has been a lot of anger that has come up within myself in relation to this point in the last few weeks and it has only been a point of distraction from understanding it and from working with it, I mean the anger is a point of emotional manipulation because all I am doing is getting angry at the point and making no movement or change within the point of resistance and the point of letting go of the experience of myself within comfort, so it is only a distraction from myself to keep myself from actually changing the point of even introspecting to a point of understanding what is actually going on within me.

Letting go of this point of comfort is something that I have clearly struggled with throughout process. It is something that I realise is a large construct within the unconscious mind and within my process of being hard on myself and beating up on myself each time that I've gone into it I have only accelerated the problem because I have not been being gentle or caring of myself within the point, and thus within being hard, and due to the other constructs that exist within me regarding control and dominance = as I try and dominate myself within being hard on myself I only resist further and create more problems for myself within the point.

I will continue with the process and be looking at living the point of gentleness and care and consideration for myself within the words that I live and continue to look at this point of resistance within myself.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Day 587 - The Resistance

There is still a lot of resistance that exists within me resistance to writing, resistance to letting go of self interest and resistance to letting go of myself basically and allowing myself to simply be here without desire and without internal movement and basically a resistance to being aware of what is here, within me and within the outer world as well.

I realise that I do not need to go into this resistance, yet the thing that holds me back is the memories of myself within resistance and like constantly forcing myself to move myself because it is the 'right' thing to do; and this relates to the point of having duty within work and within moving myself within the physical. The belief that is is my duty and that is why I experience the resistance when moving in writing or moving within the mind construct or simply moving within dishes or within properly feeding myself. It all seems like this point of duty and the thing that I need to do because it is the right thing to do. So within this in haven't realised the simple point of putting in work or working. I have not yet realised what work in the physical is not have I understood myself within it. Like I haven't understood what movement means without that sense of duty or within that external force that then drives me to put in work. Lol and I really don't know where to start within understanding that point you know. It is like if I move myself within the physical in and from a sense of work then comes the duty and the belief and experience of it being a duty rather than a self expression, it's kind of like a catch 22 here where the point in which I aim to understand (work) also triggers the point that is causing the problem, and moving myself within understanding the problem then breeds the ground for the problem to exist. So I reiterate the point here that I have not realised myself within work and who I am within work or putting in effort within the physical reality.

At the moment there is less resistance because I want to write this out as an expression and as an understanding of myself. Yet there still runs in the background that sense of duty or doing what is right which then causes this point of almost stress. The writing at the moment is an expression of myself because well it is for no one other than myself although I may post it later, and it is an expression of myself because I have been looking at the point of resistance as I was watching the movie and questioning how it functions and how I am allowing myself to go into the resistance which then brings me back to the points that I started with, self interest, self awareness and letting go of myself.

As I've been walking this point of resistance I have always fallen when/as I have aimed to write about the point of resistance and tackle it. I also see that I have been quite hard on myself when approaching this point of resistance; not giving myself a moment of rest out of the fear that if I rest for a moment I will go right back into the resistance. Like if I sit and eat and watch something then I will end up giving into thoughts of enjoying sitting on the couch and doing nothing. So I guess this comes down to the simple point of just moving myself within a moment. Although, I also must live words of being gentle and considerate of myself, not pushing myself with force or rushing but with an understanding that I do actually enjoy moving myself and being productive within a day but I also need to let go of self interest or a point of reward at the end of the task. So this is, once again, the start of the process of walking this point of resistance and all that exists within this point of resistance, because I am unhappy with the lack of movement and dissatisfied with allowing things to slide only to get back up and put them in place again within myself and repeating the process ad nauseum.

In talking to someone about this point, it is laughable at how much of a perception and belief that I have created around this point, because the solution is simple. Please myself. Stop that which I am doing with myself and with time in which I am displeased about and make a proper change to those points within myself so that I create this point of satisfaction and pleasure being here with myself in this world. I mean I have created so many external points to place blame on, and thus I have been abdicating my responsibility for creating this distress and displeasure within myself. So it is quite simple really, work on moving myself within the points that I am dissatisfied with and slow myself down a lot more to see when I am going into the pattern where I know in the end I will be dissatisfied with myself.

This point ties into the previous blog because within the point of defeatism the resistance that I've gone into has been the core point within/as the point of defeatism = believing that I cannot change this point or that I am only going to struggle further with this point. So I will be continuing to take a look at this point, again, and writing forgiveness on this point in relation to the thoughts that exist and the feelings and experiences that exist within the point of self interest and within the resistance as well.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Day 586 - The Origin of Defeatism

Defeatism is a point that, as I look at it now, has been something that I have gone into a LONG time ago and basically only realising this point now and how I have allowed myself to participate in in thoughts and in my experience of myself within points of work and in points of living and life.

A while back when I was living on my own for the first time and working two jobs I had that, idk, umph, to continue to push myself and give it my all within process and within everything that I did. Like I didn't allow excuses to become such a constant that they have become now - and I guess that is also what this point of defeatism is about - excuses. I was making a lot of vlogs at that time and basically not giving into my own limitations or excuses as to why I couldn't do something or why I was limited on something and allowed that point of limitation to become a problem and a reason to not continue to move myself. And in this as well I has a lot of curiosity to move myself and to investigate things. I was also passionate about things - I enjoyed skateboarding and I did it regularly and it was something that I was passionate about and, you know, like had a hobby to express myself within and like with life getting to the point that I am currently at I have been feeling defeated by the money system and the world system with time and well, I suppose it is like not expecting life to be like this and in this not standing equal and one with what it is in fact like.

So this point of defeatism is feeling defeated by life - like not finding the enjoyment in life that I once did and not finding that point of expression within myself that I once did. Like the experience of myself is one of defeat within time and within hobbies and the expression that I have within myself in relation to hobbies and activities. It also comes from self suppression and like not finding the motivation within myself to express myself the way I once did. And in this as well I see a lot of comparison to the past of myself in what I did and who I was within the past that I am looking for within my expression and within my reality today so in this the point of not standing one and equal with the points that exist today is relevant and pertinent.

What I wrote in my last blog highlighted the point of not looking for solutions or wanting to find solutions immediately and when not finding solutions immediately to then give up and feel defeated. So the point of allowing excuses to manifest is also a point for me to look at within this whole design of defeatism. Excuses to not move myself, excuses to not express myself and excuses to not give myself a hobby or give myself enjoyment within the things that I do here with myself, and excuses to not push myself within the `problems` that exist within my life or within the world and the design of the system, and believing that it is just too ingrained for me to move through or to change within this lifetime.

The first point that I have been working on is my experience within defeatism. I have been working on the experience of feeling down and feeling like there are no solutions within the problems that I face and then giving up within the problems or simply accepting the point that I am not satisfied with as being the way that things are always going to exist as. What I have been changing within that is that point of excuses and that point of not trying or not wanting to try to figure out a solution to the problem - of already seeing the problem as too much for me to walk a solution within and giving up - like realising that I have not yet even looked at a solution within the problems that I am facing and already seeing myself as powerless to change the point. So I have not been accepting that point of feeling immediately powerless and more so looking at solutions and aiming to understand the problem and understand the working of the system and what I need to do within the system or who I need to be in relation to the system to create the points that I am looking for. Like for example there is a point with diabetes and doctors lately that I have been feeling powerless within - like seeing the doctors as being powerful over my life in relation to providing the prescriptions for the medication and me not being able to take care of myself without their `help` or their persons being involved in my care for me as well. So I had to have a look at what the solutions are and basically I need to maintain a relationship with a doctor with appointments so that this point does not manifest again. And that is something that I need to stand equal and one to and change within myself so that I can empower myself continuously to take care of myself.

Defeatism has gotten a little better since I made that change but there is still quite a bit of movement and change that I need to do - so I will share this journey with you.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Day 585 - Defeatism

Currently, within my life, there are a few points that I have been feeling defeated by in relation to the money system and world system in and as how it operates and functions. Within these points of defeatism I have been allowing quite a bit of backchat to exist within myself that are only supporting this program within myself. Like for instance I have been feeling defeated by money, primarily. I have been aiming to go to school for a few years now but I have not been able to gather the funds in order to support myself through the first year of school and live alone which is like paying rent and being able to afford fuel and food so that I can live - and from not having enough money I have been feeling defeated by the system in and as how it operates, feeling limited and feeling like I am stuck within a life that I cannot expand myself within in relation to the world system.

I have been backchatting about how 40 years ago people my age were making 18$ an hour and that was a standard - well according to my father whom this information is coming from - and here we are now still making 18$ an hour - basically finding it hard to find a job that pays that amount, while the living wage and the expenses of everything have increased significantly. So this means that it is harder for the generation that I am in to make a living for ourselves because the wage has stayed the same while the cost of living has increased. But anyhow that is the backchat that has been supporting this feeling of defeatism in relation to the system and money and the point of school.

What I see within this backchat is that there are still individuals who are going to school that are my age and are able to make the point of living alone work well enough that they are surviving; so within this point of defeatism I simply have not looked at the point of how and or where within the world system and money system am I able to conjure up a plan that will support me within the opportunity to go to school and place myself within a different position within the world system and that is basically what this point of defeatism is about = looking at the situation that I am in in a large negative overtone and only seeing the problems of the situation that I am in and succumbing to the problems and not allowing myself to see the limitations or problems that do exist within the situation and then see where and how there are solutions to each and every one of those problems.

What I have been allowing within myself in relation to this point of defeatism is a point of giving up and not empowering myself to rather look at solutions; seeing myself as being less than the money system and the world system and perceiving that the system is just too big or too intricate for me to successfully navigate to the goals that I would like for myself.

There are solutions out there for every point that exists. I have been in this point previously in relation to almost the same point - where I had to upgrade my high school marks and I had the same experience of defeatism where I thought that it was just impossible for me to practically go to school and upgrade my marks while working, but in the end I made it work - it took some pushing from myself to do what I did but in the end I still did it - so there are possibilities and solutions out there it's simply the point of searching for and finding them and making adjustments to myself to adapt those solutions.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Day 584 - Suppression and Sharing

There have been a few events within my life recently that I have been going into suppression about. I have been going into points of isolation and bottling the points up, and within the points of suppression I have been creating this heavy feeling within myself where it feels like a struggle to move the body and a struggle for myself to move throughout the day and get things done. These points of suppression usually plague me for a while, like I am the type of person to usually try and keep things bottled up for so long and try and maintain this idea of stability within myself, but in this making it much more difficult for myself in the long run to actually move myself due to the points of suppression.

With being in an agreement with another we talk every day and share points and when/as I am in a point of suppression it is very easy to notice, not just by my partner but by myself as well within the tone of voice and how I interact with her and interact with myself in the reality. Obviously this point of suppression is not best for me because of the heaviness and obviously the point of not looking at myself, so what I have been applying within myself and with my partner when/as these points of suppression come up is simply talking about them.

She will notice that things are off or I will notice as well and when we notice that things are `off` and say something, like is everything ok or something like that. Rather than saying "Yeah, fine" or something like that I bring myself here with myself and investigate what is actually going on within myself that is putting me `off` within my expression with reality and with her. More often than not there is like an "I don't know" coming up within me because of the point of suppression, you know, something that I do not want to look at, so I will throw out points that I've been facing within the week or day or things like that and talk about those points for a while and see what comes up. When I've said the point that I have been suppressing there is like thing `ding` that goes on within myself of like "AH, yes that is what I have not been looking at or facing within myself" and then the like wave of information comes up.

With talking about the point of suppression, it really helps with giving myself perspective on what it is that I have been suppressing, and talking about it with someone else is a bit easier to walk through the point as well, because with myself if there are judgments or anything going on like that within myself about the point of suppression than walking it through with just myself I have to first walk through the judgements and things like that before I can get to the point of relaxation within myself and start to begin releasing the point. So with talking about it with another person, if those judgements are there then they are usually projected as well and when talking and opening up the point with the other person then those judgements are faced head on and walked through quite quickly when/as the other person does not judge the way that we're judging ourselves, and thus that point is quantumly walked and then the real point can be faced. So this is what has been happening with my partner and I. When a point of suppression or like when something feels off that we're not directly seeing within a moment then we'll walk through a few points that have been coming up within our day, and when/as we speak the point that is causing the separation or causing the awkwardness or `offness` then there is like this spark within ourselves letting us know that that is the point that we must look at, and so we do.

Realising the point and talking about the point has been quite an effective way to release the point, like because it is suppression then I am not directly looking at the point but keeping it running around in the background of the mind; and so when it is brought to the forefront of the mind and I start speaking about it with her the point immediately releases from that point of dragging myself down to a point of release because of simply looking at it. Looking at it is not the absolute solution though; from what I've found it is simply the release of the point, the point still must be walked.

Within talking with my partner the point does become released. When it does release we can then look at solutions to the point, and they are usually obvious. With the release from the point of suppression I am back here with myself and able to give myself the problem solving processes that are me, and so with speaking about how and why the point of suppression came up usually exists the solutions - like looking at how it started or manifested helps with seeing how I accepted and allowed it to exist within myself and then walk a practicality point of seeing how to correct myself when/as it comes up.

So what the blog post is about is how to support ourselves with walking through suppression and realising that we needn't be perceivably alone within the point of suppression, and that simply sharing the point and talking about the point with another person, be it an agreement partner or a friend, can help and assist with the point of bringing the point of suppression from the back of the mind into the foreground and then within this face the point without any emotions or things coming up. Like with the points of suppression they needn`t be held within this idea of only being your problem or only yours to deal with although it somewhat is, it doesn't limit us from sharing and opening up the point with another person and basically asking for help. So if you often hold those points of suppression inside of yourself and seldom share them with others then, what I am saying here, is that it is quite nice asking for help and other perspectives on the point, it is nice to open up and share it with another person because it not only opens up yourself to another person but also opens up yourself to yourself at the same time.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Day 583 - Not Wanting to Be Here with Myself Con't

With the process of being here with myself, specifically during work, I have been applying a point of not allowing myself to become bored or go into these points of simply not wanting to work and rather be somewhere else. How I have been applying this point is by allowing myself to be here with my hands while I'm working, meaning giving myself that physical awareness that I was not giving myself previously as I was placing myself within projections and thinking about being elsewhere and/or doing something else that I would prefer to be doing. My application within it is far from perfect at the moment, I mean I did it well for one day and then the day after that I allowed myself to go back into the mind and I did lose that awareness because, well from what I can tell, I allowed myself to define the day as a `Friday` which means that I had and have a day off after I'm done the shift at work and would like to go into that experience of having the day off rather than being at work for the remainder of the shift duration.

So, what I want to further apply within this point of maintaining physical awareness and being here with myself is this point of letting go of this excitement for the day off because within that point of excitement resides the point of self interest, the points that I would prefer to be doing rather than working, so like bringing myself back to a point of grounding rather than allowing myself to go into the mind into that point of excitement - you know like understanding that the day off is simply going to be another day where I am here on this Earth walking this life lol, like truly there is no real reason to be excited other than to simply have time off of work but within this point of becoming excited to not have to work within a day comes this point of personal preference, when in reality the physical remains the same yet the perception of having the time off changes the experience of self within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into an experience of myself within having time off work, allowing myself to go into this state of excitement at the idea of having time off work and time to `myself` where I can do the things that I want to do, and within this experience separate myself from myself within the physical reality and separate myself from the physical reality as a whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this experience of myself while at work where I feel that it is a drag or that I am bored within work and within this allow this experience to direct me to go into projections and imaginations where I start to place myself outside of myself and into the mind, and within this not give myself direction within the physical reality but give my direction and my power up to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of excitement at the prospect of having time off and doing what I want to do, allowing myself to imagine the things that I want to do or am going to do and within this point separate myself from the physical reality and my physical awareness and self direction via allowing myself to participate within that excitement and within those projections

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that the physical reality is basically the same each day - sure things to do change each day but the overall being here is the same, there are different things to do and different things to work on but nonetheless as I allow myself to be here within the physical body and within awareness the point of being here remains the same - the only point that things change is when/as I allow myself to go into energy and create an excitement or create a point of melancholy in relation to work

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to establish this point of physical awareness within my day, wherein I am here with myself feeling the body, feeling my hands, maintaining an awareness of breathing and giving myself direction and not allowing myself to become distracted but being directive of myself, meaning to bring myself here with myself, aware of the body and aware of what I am doing, moving myself within the physical reality and not allowing myself to get lost within the mind or lost within a form of entertainment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with myself and reality where I would prefer to escape reality than to be here with myself within reality and face myself and reality in an equal stance, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forego my responsibility in this reality to direct myself and be here within this reality as a being on this Earth,

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that when/as I allow myself to go into the mind and attempt to escape reality when I am at work and bring up this point of entertainment within the mind and start thinking about being somewhere else or start entertaining myself within the mind to escape reality, that I am not being honest with myself in relation to what I am actually experiencing within myself in relation to work and thus, in a way, suppressing myself via going into that experience of entertainment within the mind

When/as I see myself starting to become bored or distraught with work and I am going into the mind with a specific type of energy, of like not wanting to work simply because it is work or simply because I do not want to be there at the moment, I commit myself to flag this despair at being at work and realise that what I am doing is separating myself from myself within the physical reality and separating myself from my beingness, and so I also commit myself to relax within myself and breathe and bring myself back to awareness of my hands within work and make that decision within myself to move myself within work rather than deliberately moving slower in relation to hoping to bypass time because I realise that as I go into this state within the mind it creates a heaviness within the body and makes moving and the bodily processes difficult and it only does make time seem longer, so within this I also commit myself to breathe and move my body at a comfortable pace within work and not deliberately slack off but to rather breathe and move myself within the pace of the breath and what the body is actually capable within that moment

When/as I see myself becoming lazy here at home and wanting to entertain myself with movies or series I take a step back from the movie or series and bring myself back here in breath and awareness of myself, realising that if I allow myself to go into that energy of wanting to escape reality and give up my movement that, for one, I am not going to be satisfied with myself going into that resistance to being here with myself, and that I am giving up my movement and my awareness of myself and suppressing that ability to move and direct myself here in the physical reality

Ok so in this process what I will be applying, specifically within work, is to make sure that I am here with my hands while at work, feeling the cases that I am working with and being aware of what and how the body is moving/going through and do this, starting on the drive to work - feeling the steering wheel as I move and direct the care and within this move and direct myself within the physical reality. So at work is where I am going to be applying this point the most because at work is where/how I see it originating from, like wanting to escape work and escape myself at work then leads to this pattern coming up while I am at home on the days off.