Sunday, November 23, 2014

Day 535 - How Life is Supposed to Be

I was listening to the audio recording How Life is Supposed to Be by Anu which is available on Eqafe and he touched on a few poignant traits that I have been facing in my daily life and have been facing for a while such as the point of working on a point for and being `gung ho` about the point then after a while working on the point fades away and becomes more involved within the imagination, where one starts to imagine the point rather than working on it/applying it within the physical reality. This point was also spoken about in relation to relationships where we will imagine speaking a point to a person and in imagining that point we fail to bring it to life, meaning that when the moment comes where you can speak those words we usually don't follow through or speak them, and when we do this we forgo a moment where we can have influence or impact on a persons life, because for me, what I have noticed is that the conversations that I have imagined are usually ones of a point of insight, a point that I would like to mention to a person, but then when the moment comes the thought runs through my head to speak about the point but it then never comes out, it stays inside the mind.

So the reason why this is so poignant for me is because this point has occurred within process for me for quite some time, like there are many points that I have worked on that have fallen by the wayside, such as breathing while working, or curbing the amount of entertainment that I watch or managing diabetes much better and what I have found is that these points have become placed more so within the imagination wherein I will plan or create imaginations about moving on the points but when the point comes here to do so, well I do nothing about it, I don't physically move on it, so it's like this point of imagining me moving on it is an attempt to console the fact that I am not physically moving on them - like these points have existed with many things, like even taking a look at blogging - I will imagine myself or think about blogging about a particular subject or point and then when the time comes to move on it, I let it slide usually and then I go back into the mind and think and imagine at a later time blogging about another subject, only to repeat the pattern over and over in which things just do not get done and are only imagined lol. The same thing has existed within relationships where a point would emerge that I would like to speak to a person about or share with a person and instead of sharing it or speaking it I only imagine it and in the imagination it is usually shrouded with this positive energy in which I then focus solely on and act as if I have actually spoken or shared the point which is absolutely absurd lol, cause nothing is done in the physical reality, nothing is moved within the physical reality and therefore NOTHING is done about the point and that is why me acting or imagining the point being completed or spoken about is really absurd lol

What I have noticed helps is to not place myself in a future context with the points, meaning if there is a point that I would like to get done such as recording reading for diabetes is to not place that point into the future because what happens often with those points is that I will place them into a future context when imagining them and then nothing is done, but when/as I bring them here, don't imagine them, don't think about them, simply agree to the point, agree to working on the point that I start to work on the point so here in the thoughts are the signal to start taking a look at bringing the point here and stop imagining it and making a decision within myself to walk to point actually rather than imagine it. I also see a solution here is to take a look at the points that I have been imagining or projecting and `bring them back to life` via walking solutions, like the main one there is breathing within work cause the job is monotonous and it is easy for me to lose myself in thought while I work because I don't absolutely need to be aware while I work, so like bring myself back here and keep myself aware while I work, you know, like that is a point that I have given up on recently and haven't applied myself within for a while, I did it for a while and I enjoyed it but then I just gave up and allowed the point to slide.

Anyhow, I would suggest taking a listen to the interview if you struggle with the point on following through on tasks/points that you start to work on as it provides cool insights into how to create practical physical solutions and provides insights into what is really going on in ourselves as we stop working on points

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Day 534 - Work, Effort and Time

Recently I have been in a reactive state of anger and frustration and have been projecting that towards my reality but my reality is not what I am angry or frustrated with, it is my application of myself within my reality and within the time that I have available to myself. So to give perspective and background information I have started to work a job that is 12 hour night shifts so I work for those 12 hours and commute for 45 minutes and pack a lunch, shower, sleep 8 hours etc, so like a LOT of the time that exists within a day is consumed by work and the other points that I need to take care of for work. It works out to me having about 2 to 3 hours a day `to myself` so to speak where I can work on the things that I would like to get done or to spend for myself so like since I have such little time I have been wanting to spend that time `enjoying myself` wherein I will entertain myself a bit, but damn, I have not found that supportive for
this point whatsoever - the only times that I go into work where I am not in this reactive state is when I get a few things done before I work, so I mean this whole point of wanting a bit of time for myself is an illusion and only contributes to the problem.

Anyhow, I have been projecting the emotions towards my outer reality but it is not my outer reality that I am bothered by, it is me in/as my application in living my utmost potential in this lifetime and making use of every available moment that I have to support and improve and expand myself in this reality to which I have not been doing and in which is the real cause for my reactions. I mean yes I do need to work and yes I do need to allocate a lot of the available time within the day towards work, and some days I am sure that I am not going to have anytime to write or to do assignments or do other things that would expand my reality due to things like needing to get groceries or other things like that before work, but that is cool and fine by me as long as I am moving myself in other times and assisting and supporting myself with any reactions and/or emotions that come up in relation to other points within my life/self.

In this I also see that I will need to create an effective schedule and stick to that schedule in which all points that I have to work on in the week are covered, but I mean, to not be hard on myself within the schedule, but use the schedule as a base line for working on the points that I need to work on and a base line for living responsibility for that points that I have decided to take on. So there are a few corrections here that need to take place in myself in order to stop these reactions from coming up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want to play video games and kinda fuck around with my reality rather than give myself control and charge and like self-direction and move myself within the things that will grant me more responsibility and/or grant me more implementation of myself within the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited about my realty and in this excitement like guide myself towards the things that I don't want to do, like watching a lot of videos and not putting in effort towards improving my life, specifically with money etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the best of my potential nor attempt to create it or live it because I am clearly not giving it my all here in this lifetime, and I can certainly do better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with emotions and blind myself with emotions such as anger and frustration in relation to my reality which only stops me from actually seeing the real point that I am reacting to and in this stop myself from actually applying the correction to the point so that the point that I am reacting to becomes corrected and I correct myself within/as the point that I am reacting to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the emotions and project the emotions of being angry and/or frustrated with my reality onto my reality instead of taking it back to myself and seeing where/how I am frustrated and angry with myself within/as my reality that I am creating for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to re-create this pattern of being frustrated and angry with myself in this reality by allowing myself to become distracted and allowing myself to not apply the principle of living up to my utmost potential which has become stagnated by me in allowing myself to become distracted and/or follow emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and abdicate my own movement within improving my life and living to my utmost potential by allowing myself to follow emotions and project those emotions onto the world outside of myself when/as the world outside of myself is not creating those emotions, I am creating them within myself

I commit myself to working on this point of allowing myself to follow these illusions of thought which state that I would rather entertain myself in the `pursuit of happiness` by/as questioning these thoughts that come up that state that I would rather entertain myself than to move on a point in my reality that is aligned with self-expansion, and living up to my utmost potential and also within that point creating my utmost potential

I commit myself to managing my time more effectively, because really what I am missing here within this point is an effective schedule of managing my time and using that time to work on the assignments/tasks/responsibilities that will improve who I am and what I do within this reality

I commit myself to correcting my behaviour within the points of managing my time and living my utmost potential and creating my utmost potential via sticking to a schedule within my reality where in the time that I have off I am working on improving points and working on the assignments/tasks that need to be worked on often in order to get them done and in order for me to benefit from working on them.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Day 533 - Self Forgiveness on Spitefulness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the energy of spitefulness when it comes up in my reality when I compare myself to other people and when I compare myself to what/where I want to be and/or believe that I have done nothing and am nothing with myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not what the thoughts are saying of me, that I am not the failure that the thoughts state I am, and that I do not need to harm or sabotage myself for being where I am in process and in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the energy of spitefulness when I believe that I am worthless to this world and in this give up all points of responsibility and give up all movement and care for myself, allowing my reality to become entropic and live the point of entropy towards my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the belief that I am a failure when a point of comparison of my life comes up in relation to other people in relation to a definition that I have placed value towards, for instance when a comparison comes up of myself in relation to another person in process and the comparison, within the mind, is stating that I am far `less` than what they are and then accept myself within/as the definition of being a failure and as I accept the definition of a failure go into spite towards myself and towards my life and start to look for ways in which I can harm my life and harm myself, simply accepting the energy and the definition and going into that destructive state instead of questioning if that destructive state is truly what I want for myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy of spitefulness towards myself because I see within the energy that I can give up for a while, I can just do nothing and let go of all points of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energy of spitefullness so that I allow myself to give up all points of responsibility and sabotage my life and myself, allowing the temptation of the energy to pull me in, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see beyond and question the energy that comes up that states to sabotage myself and sabotage process and give up on life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand in a point of self honesty in relation to the energy that comes up that is spiteful towards myself, wherein I take a look at the energy and be honest with myself about what it is that I would like for myself in relation to the energy, like questioning would I actually like to sabotage myself or is this a pattern that plays out over and over where I give up for a while, sabotage myself within process, and then pick myself back up at a later time, once the energy fades away or have had enough of sabotaging myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy and system that states that it is beneficial or `what I want` for me to sabotage myself, give up all points of responsibility, and deliberately harm myself, not realizing that it really isn't me, that I am not the definition of a failure within/as what I am looking at/defining myself within

I commit myself to when/as I compare or judge myself within a point in my life that I have associated value towards and have defined myself within and that point of judgment is negative and that comparison is defining myself as less than and the energy comes up with the want to sabotage myself and give up on myself, to breathe, to bring myself back here in self-honesty, in/as the realization that all that I have is myself, meaning that all I have is my own movement, all I have is me here and that comparing myself to another person is a separation from myself in/as working on what I am working on within myself, like to define myself as less or more than another person in relation to movement is irrelevant to me moving myself within what/who I am here

I commit myself to slowing myself down when the energy to sabotage my reality and to harm myself comes up within/as the belief that I am a failure/worthless, and in slowing down, calm myself down within the movement of that energy, breathe, apply self forgiveness for the comparison and the judgment and the movement of the energy, then bring myself back here and solely focus on myself and my own movement and see where it is possible for myself to expand and simply continue to work on/with myself in expansion and bettering myself and living/giving what is best for all in this world

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Day 532 - Positive Stimulus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for and believe that I require a form of positive stimulus to move myself and to get things done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with self-direction where I need a positive stimulus at the end of the task in order to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much I have limited my movement because I have required something that I have attached a positive stimulus or definition in order to move myself within a task or a job, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am able to simply move myself in breath, meaning that I do not need to look forward to something to keep myself moving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being here by allowing myself to look for something to look forward to in order to move myself within a given task - like look for something positive and keep reminding myself of that positive stimulus while I am working on the task so that I keep pushing myself within the task to get to the positive stimulus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by believing that I need positive stimulus in order to complete a task and give myself positive stimulus to move myself, not allowing myself to realize or see that I am able to move myself simply by being here, breathing, and making the decision for myself to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with smoking wherein I have defined cigarettes as being a positive stimulus for myself and have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need cigarettes in order to move myself or in order to complete or work on any task that I have, allowing myself to believe that I require something outside of myself in order to move myself or in order for me to be stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require something positive to move myself within a task, and in this believe that I need that point of positive stimulus to look forward to in order to start to move myself or direct myself, not realizing that really all I need is myself within the decision to move myself, and all I need is to be here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity and availability to be here with myself within movement due to accepting and allowing myself to give myself positive stimulus to move myself and have used it as a manipulation tactic to move myself

I commit myself to work on this point of using positive stimulus to move myself within tasks and jobs, firstly by continuing to move on the point of stopping smoking and when/as the want for a cigarette comes up in order to get me through a task or job to bring myself back here in breath, slowing myself down, and deciding to be here and do the task with awareness and effectiveness

When/as I see that I am not moving myself within a task or job or responsibility because I am looking for something positive to get me through the time of the task/assignment or something to look forward to after I am done the task to stop the thoughts and the energy moving inside of myself in relation to wanting or needing a positive stimulus, breathe, and bring myself back here, slowing myself down and committing myself to move myself within the task or responsibility simply by being here with myself.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Day 531 - Positive Reward System

So at work I had a reaction towards stopping smoking - or, well it has been here since I started the stopping lol - the reaction is one of apathy and sedateness. The first few days that I stopped smoking I found that I was in bed for a lot of the time, not wanting to do anything other than simply escape and hide from reality, and not participate in reality. At that time I wasn't exactly sure of what was going on, I was just going with it for the time being cause I was stopping smoking so I was going easy on myself with what I was doing and/or not doing. So I was sleeping a lot and not finding the will or movement or care within myself to get myself out of bed and do something - like I didn't even eat much for the first few days, I went 3/4 of a day without eating at first because of this point of apathy and being sedate.

So the reaction at work was a similar experience - the first day back from a few days off I was struggling with being at work, I was struggling with simply working and performing the tasks that was required of me for the job, so I spoke to the supervisors and left early. At that time I wasn't sure about the cause of that reaction, but in all self-honesty I simply didn't want to be at work. So last night as I was working I was on first break and I was in a similar reaction where I was looking for ways to get away from work, I was looking for excuses and ways to escape work because I didn't have a cigarette as that point of comfort or reward for doing something that I do not want to do with my life. So as I was in this point of reaction towards working and reaction of not having a cigarette, I was taking a look at what was going on within the mind and I found that the common theme towards the thoughts and reactions is that I have nothing to look forward to now with work - so like I have defined work as a shitty experience, something that I have not wanted to do and in this point I have looked for a reward for doing something that I have not wanted to do, the reward in this point being the cigarette - like I have attached such a positive polarity towards a cigarette that I have defined them as a reward and have looked for them as a reward when I do anything - lol like with the first example I gave of sleeping all day - the first thing that I would do in the morning would go out and have a cigarette and this as well was a part of the reward system - a reward for waking up and starting the day lol - kinda odd/weird, but nonetheless how I've structured myself within the mind and how I have structured the mind.

In this I found it fascinating how much I have participated in the reward system and how much influence it actually had over me, where if I have nothing to look forward to within doing something - you know, like something of self-interest within the task or job then I am completely reluctant and resistant towards performing the job, I am even resistant towards getting up in the morning which is a bit worrying really, cause like how much I have allowed this point of positive energy to influence my direction and influence my decisions on what I will do or what I won't do. Meaning that I have defined cigarettes in a positive limelight, and so whenever I do something that I have defined as negative, or even throughout the day in random intervals, I go use cigarettes to keep me going, as a positive stimulus to keep me moving on a particular direction/task, so in this there really hasn't been a point of self-direction in my life because of that point of needing a reward or a positive stimulus to move myself and that's what I saw as I talked about this point with Lauri - I saw that I have relied on cigarettes for so much rather than giving it to myself.

So where else do I see within this reward system structure? I see that I have definitely relied on a positive point at the end of the tunnel to keep me moving so in this I have constantly lived in this projection of the future of moving now to get something positive at the end of the tunnel, therefore with constantly thinking about or wanting a reward system structure I have missed myself here and have separated myself from being here with myself in every moment, I have not allowed myself to simply just be here with me in/as movement within a specific task or job and direct myself via will - instead I have used positive stimulus to move and direct myself lol - like a donkey chasing the carrot at the end of a stick. This is true as well because when I was in that point of reaction and saw the thoughts and emotions coming up I slowed myself down and brought myself back here and in that moment there was `nothing` meaning nothing to look forward to, no stimulus, no nothing, just me here with myself, so once I got rid of looking for that positive stimulus I was back here with myself deciding for myself what to do and deciding upon my direction

Back to the scenario at work - as I was sitting in my car going through the experience of lack of positive reward, I was watching the thoughts and emotions go on and I was looking for something beyond them, like looking for a solution to the point of looking for a reward for doing something - so I was sitting in my car and I took a look at the next stretch of work until the next break, and it was 2 hours, I took a look at the physical requirements of the job and I was like ok cool, you know, I can do that, it isn't as bad as I am making it out to be, it isn't going to be the death of me and I am cool with not needing and cool with not creating the want for a cigarette at the end of the stretch, I am cool with just being here and not looking for or wanting a positive stimulus as a reward or to keep me moving = I am cool with moving just to move and do the job without needing an extra point of stimulus to keep myself `happy` or satisfied. So once that point came here within me my expression changed dramatically, I basically had my expression back lol - like as I stated previously without that point of stimulus I was in a sedate state and in a lull of apathy, so I was numb and dull - once I was ok and cool with deciding to not need or want a reward I was back here and was able to be playful with the people around me and be playful with myself at work, so in that all it took was a decision to be cool with not needing positive stimulus to keep myself going.

This blog is getting a bit too long but I want to take a look more at this point of positive stimulus because I have noted, for a while, that I am quite subjective to this point of positive stimulus

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Day 530 - What I have been Denying Myself with Smoking

I recently had a chat with Lauri Kotaja about the point of quitting smoking as we are both embarking on the process of quitting smoking and what came up within the chat was really cool and really supportive. The biggest point that came up or more so an overall point that came up within the chat was what I have been denying myself by smoking because I have been using smoking as a point to suppress and ignore things going on within myself and have been using it as a point to move myself within the things that I do within this world - like I rely on cigarettes to work, to write, to basically move myself on all points that revolve around self-movement and therefore I have not been giving myself that point of grounding, that point of decision, that point of absolute movement. Within the reliance of cigarettes I have been denying myself self stability, self reliance, self direction, like I have relied on cigarettes for these points, relied on the existence of something outside of myself to maintain my self stability, which is then showing me that I am not stable in and of myself, and this has clearly been shown over the past few days as I walk the point of quitting where I have not moved myself within a specific task at all, I lost all motivation to do anything and I have to really push myself to get things going, like to get myself to write or to get myself to clean up, like little things I have no direction within, so like when I approached quitting all I would do all day is sleep, and then when I would fall and have a cigarette like suddenly the mind is clear from the fog and I am back here and tired of sitting around so then I decide to move myself and get some things done that I was putting off.

This point has become a fascinating point because I never really looked at how much I have been denying myself and denying of myself, like obviously I have been denying that these points of self-motivation still need to be created and lived without the need for an outside source to create that motivation. Same thing with depression where I have been denying that depression still exists within myself and that smoking has become a tool to suppress the depression within - like as long as I always have a cigarette then everything or anything will be fine as it has become my tool to use to deal with all point in this reality or deal with stress or something unexpectedly coming up - lol it is like a security blanket but as we all know with comfort zones, we do not expand ourselves when we stay within them and we do not step outside of what we already know/understand and give ourselves the opportunity to know/understand/live different and `more` things, so I admittedly have been struggling with the point of stopping smoking because I have feared going into the unknown and this whole point of stepping out of my comfort zone has been a difficult point for myself and each time that I walk through the point of quitting the same `experience` happens, - I go undirected for a bit and lounge around kinda in a fog for a while, I don't bring myself out of it via giving myself something to do - I go and smoke then the fog clears then I have a breath of fresh air so to speak and I then start to direct myself, so in this I mean I see that there is a simple point within directing myself like just give myself something to do within the moments of quitting or when the fog enters the mind because I realize that the fog is there because I am undirective of myself, the fog is there because I allow it to be there and deliberately create it via not stepping out of the state of apathy or laziness that I allow myself to go into and then direct myself within a point and push through any resistances that come up.

Anyhow I am getting a bit off track here, the overall point that I realized within investigating why smoking has been such a big point for me is that I have not been living my absolute potential by allowing myself to keep smoking as I am not allowing myself to give myself the points that I have been using smoking to bridge myself to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking as place holder for the points that I have yet to live for myself such as self movement, self direction, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I still have yet to absolutely establish myself within the points of self direction and self movement and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking to deny myself those points via allowing myself to continue smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny giving myself to myself by allowing myself to hold point of myself within smoking - meaning that I held me capacity and abilities to be linked to a bridge of/as smoking rather than giving them here to me unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on smoking in order to move myself within this reality, like using it as a comfort blanket, using it as something to keep me in my comfort zone as I walk points within this reality, in this limiting myself within/as walking them because I then rely on the cigarettes to keep me in the comfort zone rather than walking myself through it alone, walking myself through any discomfort via breathing and equalizing myself to the situation/scenario and investigating what is going on in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that quitting smoking is the hardest thing that I will do because of all the bridges that I have created towards self-stability, not really being here with myself in/as the decision to quit and not actually walking through or giving my full effort in quitting.

I commit myself to walking this process of stopping smoking into completion and when/as a point comes up in my reality wherein I start to want a cigarette to suppress or to handle or to deal with whatever is coming up to stop myself in that moment, breathe, and look at the point that I am not giving myself, like look at the point that I am not giving myself in that moment, like for example, self comfort or self stability, or relaxation and then breathe, slow myself down, and give that point to myself, like do my best to not get lost within the system that I am dealing with, but to find a way through the system, stop the system, and bring myself back to breath in stability and awareness

I commit myself to walking this addiction towards smoking to completion wherein if I do decide to have a cigarette again it is from an absolute standing within myself in knowing and understanding that I and the cigarette stand equal, where I am who I am without the cigarette and the cigarette exists on it's own as well, meaning no relationship of dependency exists, like relationship of dependency or relationship of needing or wanting - in this I commit myself to walk stopping cigarettes for myself, meaning make the choice here for myself, make the commitment here for myself to give the things that I have been not giving to myself.

So like for context with the whole cigarette point, not too long ago myself and a few others decided to walk quitting smoking for 21 days and what happened was that I ended up being the `last one standing` so what I related this point to was the fact that it was not up to me to walk it to completion on my own, meaning I had to walk it alone from there on out and once that point came up I fucked up cause this is a point within smoking that I have consistently fell on, which is standing alone, like it is my decision to stop and I'm the only one who can move that decision to being lived, so I fell more times than not in regards to standing alone and walking the decision for myself, so this is where I struggle with self movements, self direction where I have waited and for another person to walk a point with me or have waited for the point to come to me rather than take the point on for myself.

All in all I am here walking this point now - it has taken me a while to get myself to this point for sure, but here I am standing and walking this point at the moment, and truly, within myself, if I was to fall I would have already fallen lol - cause most of my attempts at quitting smoking have lasted 4 hours or like a day max.

Anyhow I found it incredibly fascinating that one point that I have accepted for so long can hold so many points of self within it, like as I talked this out with Lauri I never really looked at how many things I was denying myself within my lifetime and how heavily I was relying on cigarettes to get me through the day/week/month; using them as a security blanket.

I suggest to read Lauri's blog on this point as well as there are many SF statements that will be supportive for anyone walking a similar process.http://sfvault.blogspot.fi/2014/10/day-627-re-committing-to-stop-smoking.html

Friday, October 17, 2014

Day 529 - Living Self-Honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and become a systematic set of personalities for the purpose of being accepted or to fit into a group of people, in this allowing myself to be dis-honest with myself in/as who I am and what I live by and in this, if I do accept myself to live in this way I am also accepting other people to live within personalities as well, entrapping myself and others within sets of personalities all for the point of fitting in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a certain way or doing a certain thing, and in this attempt to make the judgment less than what I am making it out to be within myself by lying or mis-representing certain points of information to create an idea of myself to be a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all I have within this lifetime is myself in/as my willingness and my ability to correct and walk my own process and to support/expand/understand/investigate myself and this world, and that as I look for groups in which to fit into in relation to wanting to be apart of something, then I am missing a key ingredient within this process and that ingredient is my self in/as my own stability - meaning that as I look for a group to fit into or make myself a part of, what I am doing in that moment is looking for direction via the group, rather than standing on my own and living for myself in/as making the decisions that I am able to make for myself and not compromising myself for a group, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by/as myself in each moment, but rather attempt to make myself out to be something more or preceivably more than what I am or specifically what I think of myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by and attempt to live by that which I think of myself in relation to the things that I define myself by/as - like for instance defining myself as being a person who walks process, now this is not who I am as a whole, it is something that I do, so to define myself as that and then attempt to make myself out to be more than what I think of myself within/as the definition of myself walking process is a lie to myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here and breathe with myself in/as the physical body in/as the realization that anything that moves within the mind in/as the definition of myself is not really who I am as life, and that if/when/as I accept myself as such points and I communicate them then I am supporting a lie, not only within myself, but within this entire reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap of the illusions of the mind of the definitions of myself without realizing that to define myself as something is to limit myself in this reality, and to define myself in/as a specific character is to limit myself in/as my expression in this reality, and it is not going to support myself within this reality, nor is it going to allow me to be honest with myself in/as what/how I live or what goes on within the mind, and is going to limit and hinder my ability to investigate and understand myself

I commit myself to slowing myself down when speaking to people, making sure that if judgments do come up in relation to myself where I attempt to define myself towards a specific action or doing within this reality, that I breathe, I realize that I am here in/of/as the physical reality and bring myself back here, speaking about what comes up here within myself, speaking self-honestly, not trying to define myself as something and stopping myself from attempting to make myself out to be anything more than what I live/do within my life

I commit myself to investigating these points of definition of myself and to in this remove the limiting definition of myself so that I do not limit my expression in this reality nor attempt to make myself out to be something that I am not and something that I do not entirely live by or apply within my life - but to use those points to expand myself and to bring myself back down to reality.

I commit myself to watch my words and watch the people who I am attempting to involve myself within and in that what it is that I am attempting to relate to them, but then in this walk myself within the point, meaning not attempting to make myself grandeur or live for another person's perception of myself or my own want for approval via another person's perception of me, but to simply walk me and be cool with myself in/as how what I live and do within this world