Thursday, April 24, 2014

Day 447 - Living the Word Responsibility Part 3

My redefinition was certainly not specific enough as, throughout the day, I have mostly forgotten about the living the redefinition of responsibility, although the point of understanding that I am able to respond to thoughts, and I am the response, and that if I do not respond then I am not walking the living word of responsibility, because I am more so allowing the thought to direct me. So that point I am getting and applying in my daily living so that responsibility is me here directing thoughts, and not needed to be dependent on something else other than me here, so currently that point is cool, but in regards to living the word responsibility when/as I am watching a series or a movie I am still not aware of myself enough to be responsive to what is going on in the mind, this is mainly because it is quick, I mean looking at a series or move and the flashes per minute, the movie or series can move quite quickly and thus trigger a lot of shit within the mind, and I have not taken a step back from the movie/series to take a look at the series itself, I am more so engrossed in the interactions playing on the screen then focusing on myself in awareness wherein I can access the responsiveness of myself. So that I must be more specific on, and more aware of myself within.

For now, another point I've seen within the point of responsibility is that the response must be ME, meaning that if the mind is triggered with thoughts then a feared reaction comes up then that is not me, that is still the mind, so response ability is to allow ME to respond to what is going on, it is to allow myself to take a step back from the mind, take a step back from the series, take a step back from any movement of energy and respond accordingly with investigation and understanding of what it is that is exactly moving within me, so that I am able to direct appropriately once that understanding is here as me and once I have investigated what is moving within me. So in regards to the question that I was asking before - if the response to a thought is fear then is that still responsibility? - and to that the answer is no because that response is not ME, and thus if I do not respond to that fear, if I do not take a step back from the fear and look at what is going on then I am not responding, I am reacting. This is now a clear distinction between responsibility and reacting, because if self is constantly in reaction then self is not taking responsibility - I mean take a look at the humans overall experience of themselves in this world, we are constantly reacting, mainly within a point of survival mode due to the constraints and functions of the money system and thus we are not taking responsibility for our part within the money system through taking a step back and questioning what money really is, why it is, how did it get here, why are we using it in the way we are using it, why do some have a lot and some have none, etc = we are only in reaction and through being in reaction we are only accepting it in the way that it is, so this goes equal and one with the mind and thoughts and reactions wherein if we have a thought and we react to the thought with emotions or feelings then we are not living the point of responsibility, we are only reacting and not giving ourselves the opportunity to look at and question what the fuck is going on, nor are we giving ourselves the ability to correct and change what the fuck is going on.

Ok, so back to the point of responsibility and how I am living it here as me, so to respond with fear is not responding, it is reacting, thus if I find myself reacting to a particular thought or image or belief or idea or whatever comes up within the mind, then I know that I am not responding to the point within the mind, I know that I am reacting, and therefore I commit myself to taking a step back from the reaction, giving myself space between the reaction, either in real time or within investigation of a point later on within the day, so that I simply do not allow myself to be moved/directed by the thoughts and I start to implement the living word of responsibility for myself here in this world and within the reality that I have created within the mind, to debunk the reality I have created in the mind, and to then debunk this reality here within the physical, obviously taking one step at time.

So I mean, within this I see that myself in/as living the word responsibility has not been complete and I have not completely grasped what responsibility is and this I have to be humble about because it is certainly not how I have viewed or understood myself to be..I have not grasped the word responsibility because I never lived this point all the time, I have allowed myself to react more than to live the word responsibility, I have allowed myself to not take responsibility for all that is here within myself, I have not allowed myself to walk processes of complete understanding and investigation through being specific with the details of the processes and programs existent within the mind, I have done an overall generalization of the points within the mind which has not really given myself ample opportunity to direct myself, it has given me small windows of opportunity because I gave myself small windows of opportunity, which would basically be limited to writing this blog out, which I had previously defined within the word responsibility, instead of realizing that it is me here in every moment if I realize it as such, so from this understanding of myself in/as how I have lived the word responsibility I commit myself to stopping the limit that I have placed on the word responsibility, meaning stopping defining specific conditional actions to be that of being responsible, and to align myself to the word responsibility through placing it here as me in each moment which practically means to take a step back from everything, take a step back from music, take a step back from movies, take a step back from series, take a step back from thoughts/emotions/feelings and take a breath as I do this, bringing myself back into self awareness of what is here and in this to practically apply being in this world and not of this world, meaning to stop myself from being engrossed in the series or movies or emotions or thoughts, and practically assess what is going on within each point, taking responsibility for my part within the creation of it by/as assessing and investigating and understanding what is going on within the point itself.

In the next post I will write self forgiveness on the separation of myself from the word responsibility, for how I have previously lived responsibility, and correction and sf on practically applying a new definition that I have outlined here for myself.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Day 446 - Living the Word Responsibility Part 2

In the previous post I was writing about how I have separated myself from the word responsibility by defining it to only exist within participating in certain activities/tasks/scenarios which then limits how I am able to live the definition of responsibility in every moment, because in order for me to live responsibility here as me in every moment as the living embodiment of the word responsibility then I need to be constantly doing the things that I have defined within responsibility - which is not practical nor possible - and from allowing the definition of responsibility to exist in this way, I keep and hold an opposite polarity of self interest and if I play with, allow myself to exist in separation from the word responsibility through placing it outside of myself creating energy out of the point of responsibility then the energy is going to want/need to balance itself out thus leading me to live within the point of self interest

So, what is it meant when it is said that we must take self responsibility for what goes on in our minds? It is to realize that what ever goes on in our mind is our own creation. Thus to be self responsible is to live the realization and understanding that what goes on in our minds is from our own creation and thus we have the ability to direct it and the ability to respond to what goes on in the mind by not accepting it to direct ourselves but to direct the thoughts and thus direct our reality. In this responsibility is to direct reality, the take responsibility for being a part of this reality and accepting this reality and thus directing reality to no longer accept reality to direct us but to direct reality - realizing that we are the creators of this reality and have an equal participation in creating this reality through the acceptance of the way it functions.acceptance of having someone else make it for us, then we are accepting a point of economic slavery within our reality - thus we are responding that we don't care - so in this opens up another dimension to the word responsibility - who we are is going to define how we respond - if we don't care about another in this world, only living for ourselves then our response to such conditions will be in alignment with who we are within that moment - thus comes a point of changing who we are in relation to the word responsibility so that our response considers all within this world and not only ourselves.
This then brings the response to our reality, I mean regardless of what we are responding, we are constantly responding to our reality through out participation in it, like if we go out and buy something, if we are not walking a point of responsibility for the implicit

Our responsibility is then based on who we are within the word responsibility - because if we are an uncaring person then our response will be uncaring, if we apply living what is best for all then our response will be what is best for all regardless of the circumstances or situation that we are placed within. Responsibility will be based upon who we are, because we are constantly and consistently responding to this reality. From this I see that my definition or pre-conceived definition of only being responsible when doing certain acts is irrelevant as that is a severely limited definition of the word responsibility and does not encompass the entirety of self or the entirety of living. What responsibility actually is is a constant, it must be a constant for self to live it here as self and not from a starting point of energy, constant meaning it always exists, as self always exists and thus to really live the word it must be a constant.

To align myself to the word responsibility and to re define it here as me, to be responsible is to respond to what is going on in this world and within the inner world with common sense and with a point of understanding and investigation and to be aligned to living what is best for all and responding with what is best for all - which is not what I have been doing in relation to responsibility - I have been responding with self interest, and in this it is to understand that living responsibility does not exist only in moments when I am doing specific things that I have defined within responsibility - it is always here, it always has been here, I simply have not allowed myself to see it because the previous definition of responsibility has stood in my way so to speak. Responsibility is to always be aware that all that is here has been our creation, has been an equal and one participation from all beings in this world, thus to live responsibility is to respond to this world with investigation and common sense, understanding that I am an equal and one creator to everything that is here. Responsibility is to also understand that everything that goes on in the mind is MY own creation and to live self responsibility is to assess and look at everything that I have created in my lifetime that has resulted in the who I am now and what goes on in the mind and to investigate what/where/how I have created the things in the mind and how they are equal and one to this reality and then in this, as well, responsibility is to change that which goes on in the mind, to change self for self and for all within this world to no longer accept what is here as a point of self abuse and self harm and to re-create what is here as self within and without to what is best for all - so in this it does not matter what I do in regards to responsibility it is who I am in/as the realization and living the word responsibility and to align myself to the point of responsibility in the realization that it has always been here as me, in every moment. In addition it is also to be responsible for the responses that I create, to be responsible for responding in self interest, to be responsible for responding in fear and to be responsible for responding in common sense, in this realizing that I am the director and creator of myself here and realizing that I am not subject or a victim.

To test this out, I will approach the coming days with the re-definition of responsibility - not looking at responsibility from the starting point of what I am doing but from the starting point of the understanding and realization that all that is here within and without has been a part of my acceptance of it's creation equal and one, and then to within this point of responsibility correct and change that which is here within and without through practical application here in the physical reality, so like when I am watching a series I take responsibility for what goes on in the mind as I watch the series - this means that responsibility is not a point of energy in the need to do something. It means that it is always here as me and not defined within good or bad or within separation from myself, it means that in each moment I am able to live the word responsibility. So like when I am watching the series I take responsibility for what goes on in the mind, I take responsibility in the realization that I am an equal and one creator of the show and the processes within the mind and thus I can take a look at how/what/where the who I am within watching the show can be aligned to what is best for all and how the show itself is able to be aligned to what is best for all

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Day 445 - Living the Word Responsibility

In the previous posts I was taking a look at responsibility vs self interest and how I have lived my life to experience self interest and avoid any responsibility that I could when I could avoid it, leading myself to create the pattern of valuing self interest over responsibility and leading myself to live for self interest instead of realizing what responsibility is and realizing what self interest is. As I was writing self forgiveness in the last post I was taking a look at the fact that I have lived my life for self interest and to experience self interest or to experience the highs that this life can offer through going into self interest and living my life through/as self interest. This pattern still exists within me, so I question what is this pattern exactly.

As I take a look at my life and my past and what I have accepted myself to overall live, what I have looked for within my life is experience after experience. I looked for what I could do that would bring me the next high within an experience which has lead me to watch tons of tv, get into drugs, look for sports/things that would bring about an adrenaline rush, and explore what experience s I could create/have during sexual arousal. From this I have accepted my life to be dictated by the next point of experience or the next high, and I have gone `far` into this point, meaning playing with energy to bring about a high or highs and consequently low of lows, all in order to experience something new within this life because I have created this point of feeling bored with life, bored with the physical reality so from this I went into the mind and started to fuck around with energy, looking for experiences within this reality that I could experience, looking for highs and lows of energy in which I could encompass myself for a while and basically entertain myself with until the energy dissipated. It wasn’t only highs that I looked for as well, I mean there have been times when I would deliberately allow myself to become depressed and remain within depression because the energy within feeling depressed was an experience that I could go into that would keep me occupied for a while.

This has manifested into living for self interest now. From the previous blogs I wrote on boredom I see that it is relevant to add this dimension to it because as I look at the point of responsibility and living responsibility there is this feeling of boredom that exists within me, like life is purposeless if I cannot experience something within this world, but what I have seen recently is that responsibility is much more enjoyable than self interest because with responsibility one is moving the reality around self, it is changing the reality around self through moving self within the point of responsibility, and keeping/maintaining order within self's reality. And in this I find much more appreciation towards responsibility because it is nice to maintain order within this reality, it is certainly not what I expected from responsibility due to the preprogramming of myself to resist anything that is to do with responsibility - regardless, even though I realize this, the pre-programming still exists within me, the reaction towards responsibility, the resistance and aversion to be responsible still exists, and the primary desire to live within self interest still exists all for an experience within this lifetime. This is where I live for experiences, and avoid responsibility as responsibility does not usually provide a sensational experience. I've connected responsibility to a separation of experiences, meaning that when/as I need to be responsible, with working, with school, with chores, etc, then that task is taking time away from self interest and a `better` experience that I could be having, so this is why I have resisted responsibility throughout my lifetime.

This brings me to question what is responsibility within this lifetime as it is clear, now, that I have defined certain things as being responsible and other things as not being responsible, and thus limiting the definition of responsibility to only exist within certain moments within my life, the moments that I participate in the acts that I have defined as being responsible instead of defining myself as responsible and living the word of responsibility in each moment of my life. From allowing certain actions to be defined within the point of responsibility and having the opposite polarity being self interest, the 2 points are going to be in conflict with each other and are going to want to balance themselves out - which is how I have experienced myself, like I would push myself to be responsible through doing the things that I have defined as responsible only to `fall` later on within the point as the polarity wants to balance out, and then I live within self interest, so in this I must look at how I have separated myself from the word responsibility through placing it `out there` outside of me, needing to be done instead of lived here as me in each breath. Like I have defined doing assignments, doing chores, attending work, attending school, writing as points of responsibility and thus for me to live responsibility I need to be consistently and constantly doing those things which is not always possible and is certainly going to create consequence for my life because if I try and live those things all the time in separation of myself, like as a point of fighting self interest, then there is going to be a `bounce back` so to speak and I would then resort to self interest and living out the things that I have defined as self interest.

So what does responsibility mean? Or what is it in fact - looking at the word it is the ability to respond, now what does that mean? It is the ability to respond, with actions or with words to the world around us and the world within us, so in this it does not matter what one does, it is to realize that self has the ability to look into and to investigate that which is within self and around self as the world, so it is not about what one does, I mean taking a look at myself writing the blog, I am living the word responsibility as I am responding to that which is going on within me, it is not the act itself, but who I am within it. Within this I also see that the response must be aligned to what is best for all, must be aligned to equality and oneness, because I can respond to thoughts with fear, I can respond to thoughts with more thoughts, so regardless of the ability to respond, it still must be from a point of what is best for all in the understanding that if I respond within what is best for all then what is best for all is created, so then what is the response, because as I look at it I am able to respond to fear with fear and then to the latter fear with introspection and investigation as to why/how I am fearing the fear. So the response is, not from a starting point of reaction which would be emotions or feelings but to respond with breath, with common sense and with investigation and introspection - because if I respond to fear with fear, what am I doing? I am avoiding taking a look at what is going on within the fear through reacting in fear - so the response is to actually take a look so that self can gather enough information to effective come to a conclusion of what self is looking at which is not existent within fear.

I will continue in the next post with writing SF on the separation of myself from responsibility

Monday, April 21, 2014

Day 444 - Control, Wants, and Responsibility Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand nor walk within the responsibilities that exist to keep and maintain order in this world, or in my live, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my world and for the tasks that I am able to take on regardless of the wants, needs, or desires that I have within that one moment and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self victimization, blame, annoyance and frustration when a point of responsibility comes up that interferes with a want, need or desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up energy in the form of excitement and anticipation for a desire, a want, or a need allowing myself to create a positive polarity unto the want/need/desire so that when/if a task or responsibility interferes with the want/need/desire I go into the opposite polarity of a negative reaction, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive energy around a point of desire/need/want not realizing that I am placing myself in a projection of energy and not participating here in the physical reality in the realization and understanding that a responsibility is more important that a want/need/desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I do not have control of my reality because I do not have the free choice to participate in self interest and in this blame another person for bringing up a point of responsibility that needs my participation which interferes with a point of self interest and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to drop all self interest, drop all wants, all needs, all desires when an opportunity of responsibility is brought to me and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that an opportunity of responsibility is greatly beneficial for me and will allow me to expand myself because it will provide me new learning experiences and new understandings of a certain point within reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that if I am to become a leader within this world responsibility and the alignment thereof is of absolute importance and I must not allow myself to give into the trivialities of desires and self interest, but live the example of walking absolute responsibility in this lifetime so that I am able to give to myself a life that I would want to live and assist and support others in living a life that we all want to live on this Earth

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have wanted to control my reality only to support self interest where as I am able to move myself without consent or the need for another to drive me around I am able to move how I would like, and this how I would like is all for the support of self interest as there is not consideration of the point of responsibility within the reaction that I went through, only the consideration of the wants, needs and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control my reality so that I can control when I participate in self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for interfering with my self interest when/as they bring up a responsibility that I have, not seeing that I am the only one who is messing with my reality because I am not aligning myself properly to the point of responsibility and therefore not giving myself the opportunity to expand or support myself unconditionally through/as walking the point of responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reactive/emotional when I believe/perceive that a person is fucking with my self interest through placing a point of responsibility on me, not seeing or understanding that they are not fucking with my reality in a negative sense but giving me opportunity to expand and support myself through walking the point of responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that back home when/as I would have this point of control where I can go out when/as I would want when I wanted to go out, that the starting point was self interest and it was not about responsibility nor the starting point or end goal was a point of responsibility, and as I look at this point here when/as a point of responsibility is brought up here, then there is movement on it, so what/as I am reacting to is all about self interest and not about what is best for all thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk what is best for all regardless within the point of responsibility meaning to align myself to responsibility when/as it comes up regardless of what I have going on, and to let go of any self interest or want or desire that I have going on in that moment and stick to the principle of walking what is best for all in the point of responsibility

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really walk the point of self interest wherein each time that I see I want to participate in self interest before or during a point of responsibility such as watching a series as I write this blog which certainly distracts me and takes me longer to write and/or focus on the point, looking at all dimensions of the point and to effectively walk them/write them out, so in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for the experience of life or experiences within life instead of the responsibility that is needed to maintain order in life because if we were to only live for the experience of life then, well, we end up with what we have now where beings in this lifetime are not walking responsibility enough for what is going on in this world and thus leaving the world to exist in chaos

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how responsibility allows self to expand ones reality and to apply ones self more so within reality and to have more of a directive with their lives and others' lives and that self interest does not allow oneself to expand but mores so keeps self trapped in a bubble of what one already knows and does

I commit myself to stopping myself from creating anticipation and excitement based upon self interest, desires, or wants so that I stop the energetic charge towards these events so that if/when a point of responsibility interferes I am able to drop the point of self interest and walk the point of responsibility without resistance and without reaction

I commit myself to working on the points of self interest over responsibility wherein if I see that I am wanting to go into self interest, say entertain myself before writing a blog post, then I put aside the self interest of watching a movie or entertaining myself in some form or manner and stick to writing the blog until this point is corrected, meaning that I do not need to limit myself to not participating in watching a movie while writing as long as I am able to keep focus on writing, but that is not the case at this point in time, the case is more me watching more of the movie or entertaining myself more and not focusing on the writing

I commit myself to not reacting and/or stopping the reactions and aligning myself to walking responsibility when/as I have planned to do something that encompasses a dimension of self interest and a point of responsibility comes up that interferes with attending the event based on self interest, something like wanting to hang out with friends but needing to do chores around the house or direct a point of school, you know, align myself to the point of responsibility before going out to hand out with friends

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Day 443 - Control, Wants and Responsibility

Over the past few days I have been reacting to a point of control. This point of control stems from not being able to do what I would like when I would like to do it because where I am at the moment I am limited to what I can do based on the schedules of other people and must align myself to their schedules if I want to do something. In addition, I must align myself to the responsibilities here and I cannot simply drop something and go do something, I must make sure that all the points of responsibilities are covered before I go do something or must make sure that another person is able to step in for those responsibilities, so things are much different than what they were back home where I could drop anything that I was doing in a moment and go do something that I would like because I had the control and ability to do so, I had a car, I could drive, I could, in a moments notice, go out and get something that I needed or go participate in an activity that I wanted to do. Now I feel as if I am imprisoned and must direct my life according to what others are doing instead of being able to be `free` to do what I would like when I would like to do it.

There is also another point of feeling like I need to do what others ask of me when they ask me to do it. I feel as if my time is no longer my time and my time is directed at the whim of another person when they decide that they need me to do something - so in this I feel as if I have no control over my reality, have no say or choice within what I would like to do, and feel as if my life/time/reality is dictated by what others need of me. I have been experiencing frustration, annoyance, anger, and blame from this point because there is a belief that I am a victim of this point, a victim in/as the perception and belief that I have no say and that others choices matter more than my own choices within what I would like to do - so there is a point of self victimization. This means that I am creating myself as the victim and believing that I am the victim instead of taking the points of responsibility and living them - this is what I have been looking at within this point of control and victimization - is that each time that I experience this point there is something that I WANT to do, but then a point of responsibility from another person comes up in which I can move within - which would assist and support myself - but from having and holding onto the want I resist the point of responsibility that comes up, and instead of aligning myself to the point of responsibility I then react in this point of victimization and feeling like I don't have control of my reality or a say within what I would like to do because the responsibility is priority to what I WANT to do.

To be more specific with this, there was a moment where I wanted to go play a sport and I was excited to play this sport because it is not something that I often get to do here, so the day before we were going to go play the activity a person came up to me and told me that he needed me to help out with a point of business. In that moment I felt as if my want, my point of enjoyment was taken away from me. What I didn’t look at in that moment was the point of responsibility, all I saw was my wants needs and desires and having them fall away from me in the moment that the other said that he needed my help. I saw the anticipation and excitement and there energy therein fall away within a single moment, because I knew that I couldn't really make a choice in that moment, because the choice that I would've made = to go play the sport - would only be out of self interest and out of my wants and desires without any consideration of responsibility or the other persons life or the point of the business becoming compromised if I were to make the choice to go play the sport instead of standing in the point of responsibility - so here I see that I must further work on the alignment of myself to responsibility and letting go of self interest and placing responsibility before all points of self interest. Within this I see that the point of excitement and anticipation towards anything, in the case, specifically a sport or a point of enjoyment must be reworked and lived not as a projection and a hope but bring it here to physical reality - understanding that there are many things that will exist before the time of the event that may interfere with the event and I must then align myself to the physical reality in/as patience and being here in each breath, aware of what is here, not looking and hoping and projecting towards the event in the future tense

What this point is showing me is that I am not yet aligned to living the point of responsibility in every moment and in the flexibility to align myself to a point of responsibility when/as it comes up and letting go of everything else in that moment, or to align myself properly that all points of the responsibility are covered if/when/as I am not able to attend to that point of responsibility. It is to also correct my relationship to self interest and the wants, needs and desires so that they do not interfere with any point of responsibility

I will write SF on this point in the next post

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Day 442 - Dis-Traction From the Physical Part 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and belief that I am too tired to be here with the body to go into the mind and backchat about random thoughts and events from the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am too tired" to dictate and direct me within the day - allowing the thought to be the deciding factor of how I will experience myself while I work/participate in the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the thought of "I am too tired" when I wake up, allowing myself to immediately separate myself from the body and how the body feels within that moment, allowing myself to immediately go into the mind and stay there as long as I keep the experience of myself being tired and being unable to move effectively or being stiff

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to challenge the belief/idea that I am too tired to participate in the physical reality with efficiency and effectiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take a deep breath upon waking up and open up my eyes to see the physical and to assess the body and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initially participate in the mind to dictate and direct myself for the start of the day in/as how I will experience myself throughout the day instead of breathing and moving here with the body unconditionally and seeing how the body is as I walk with it in the morning and as I participate with the physical reality in the mornings

I commit myself to practicing waking up with a breath instead of with a thought, wherein as I take the breath I release anything that is going on within the mind, I bring myself here within the body, and I move the body with myself to bring myself into awareness with the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself into the body when the experience of being too tired arises within myself to test whether or not it is true that I am tired, and to in this as well, bring myself here within the physical reality so that I can participate here within the physical reality and see the physical reality and how to move it and myself in an equal and one relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the experience of myself as being tired throughout the day until I sleep instead of bringing myself here within the physical reality and move myself enough to get myself out of the experience as I have realized that as long as I move slowly and do not decide to really direct myself within the day then the experience will remain

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to direct myself within the day when the experience of being tired exists within me, meaning that when/as I make the decision to move myself and to direct myself within something then I notice that the experience of being tired goes away immediately and I am here in the physical, not tired and motivated to direct myself

I commit myself to when/as I am experiencing myself as tired throughout the day because I have woken up with the thought of being too tired to direct myself to breathe and direct myself within that which I am doing meaning that when I am working and I feel sluggish and I am undirective, allowing myself to participate in the mind to move myself in that moment, bring myself HERE, and move myself, accept the point of directing myself within that which is here and let go of the experience and thoughts of being too tired to direct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself when I am in the experience of being tired, but to hold onto the experience so that I can justify why I can participate in the mind and slack off on moving myself in the physical reality and to not participate fully here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use tiredness as an excuse, and to create tiredness as an excuse, to justify and excuse myself to not participate in physical reality, but to participate more so within thoughts and backchat and going into the imagination

I commit myself to when/as the belief of myself being tired exists within me, to question myself by standing here within the body and making a direct movement upon that which I am not wanting to move myself within, such as within working and walking while I am working, to make the direct statement within myself to direct myself while walking and to direct myself within work so that I test out the belief/idea of myself being tired, and if it does not stand up within the decision to move myself then I let it go, I breathe and I re-establish myself here in the physical without the belief of being tired, and commit myself to walking the point of responsibility that I am slacking off within

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Day 441 - Dis-Traction From The Physical Part 5

Today was another one of the days where I found it hard to move myself in the body and from it feeling like the body was stiff and immovable I found myself participating more in the mind, this is specific to when I awoke.

When I awoke I felt like I had not gotten enough sleep, that was the first thing on the mind - that I wanted to just go back to bed and sleep for a bit longer, so in this there was resistance to getting up and walking myself through the physical routine of the day. I heard the alarm go off and the first thing on the mind was not now, I just want to go back to bed and sleep for a bit longer, so I closed my eyes and stayed there for a few moments longer, until there was no more time to keep my eyes closed and drift off to sleep. When I got out of bed I felt very heavy and stiff, I could not move as efficiently as I normally could while in this state and it felt like I had to drag myself to get up and go. The first thing that I can recall is feeling/looking/perceiving myself as being separated from the body - like I was above it and not in it participating with it here, being an equal choice within the direction of the body - it felt as if I made the choice to move but after that I was gone, gone into the mind with thoughts about whatever came up within that moment. Now I understand that each of these thoughts have a construct and program attached to them and that each of them deserve to be investigated as much as the program, but what I have seen/found within this design is that, for the most part, throughout the day, if I allow myself to stop this program, the day become much easier and much more effective. Like now, since I lived that point in the morning I have been struggling to write this blog, been struggling to stop myself from finding points of distraction in the form or entertainment and bring myself here and write this point out for myself - so as I accessed this point this morning, the point of not directing myself and being with myself here in the physical reality, I am still walking through this point within this day.

So I used the excuse of believing that I am/was tired when I was waking up to not be with myself here, I mean there was immediate separation from myself through that belief - like I am so damn tired at, I do not want to move myself or do anything, I just want to back to sleep - and from that moment there was separation from the equal and one movement with the body to get up and walk the points of responsibility that I had to do within that moment. From this I found that I participated much more within the mind in the morning and moved much slower and would allow myself to go into the mind more because I was resisting being here in the body participating in the physical and through allowing the constant thought of being too tired to do this, yet I still did it, I remained within the mind without direction of myself within the mind. Like as I was doing a task that was a common pattern within the morning routine, I was placing myself here in the body but still felt within the mind, like I was above the body looking down on it as if I was not a participant in the actions that the body was doing at that moment, and from this separation I was moving much more within the mind than within the body - so in this I see that through allowing the one point within the morning, it dictated how I would experience myself throughout the day and how I would direct myself throughout the day - like as I was working later on in the day the same point occurred = if I was not moving in the physical reality I would quickly go into the mind, using the belief that I am too tired to be here in the physical reality to direct myself and to participate equally here and give myself direction and focus here within the physical reality.

So the starting point within all of this was the belief that I was too tired to participate fully within the physical reality, - using the justification and excuse that I did not get a good nights sleep to keep myself participating within the mind and to keep myself separated from the physical reality, so I mean, within this I see that this pattern emerged because I did not agree within myself that I am to get up now - like there have been days where I agree within myself and the mind that I've slept enough and that it is now time to get up and move myself. In those times I am not tired I am here within the body and participating more so within the physical rather than in the mind, and that is because I have made the decision within that moment of waking up to be here with myself and to be here standing equal to the points that must be done within the moment/day, and not the decision to separate myself from the body/physical.

I will take this up to here for the day and continue on in the next post