Saturday, January 17, 2015

Day 544 - Morality and Separation

Continuing from the last post about being hard on myself within the idea of morality or what is right being a separation from myself here in breath and here within walking a decision equal and one.

There is one point here that I would like to touch upon which seems to be an attribute to the process of being hard on myself within/as this point of morality and/or doing what is right, resisting it, then being hard on myself for resisting it within/as the belief of the objective being morally right and this point exists within the mind in relation to the thoughts about moving myself within that which I believe is morally right or what I have defined as morally right.

Ok, so there are times throughout the day where thoughts come up to write, or thoughts come up to work on specific tasks within/as the belief that they are there because they are morally right - in this there is a process that goes on within the mind in relation to right and wrong that either suppresses the thought, resists the thought, or creates this negative idea towards myself within the thought. So a thought will come up, let's say to work on writing a blog, and I will see this thought, I will agree with this thought from/as a moral stand point - believing that it is something that I am `supposed` to be doing in relation to what is right and what is wrong but then my actions will go towards something else, something else because I am in fact resisting working on that point - that is why it is coming through within the mind in the form of a thought. In this I am attempting to force myself to move myself in one direction from the mental reality and then in the physical reality I am moving in the absolute opposite direction. From this I will be hard on myself for not following what I am believing/perceiving to be morally correct, and be hard on myself and try and force myself to get `back on track` within/as the ideals of morality or doing what I perceive to be `right`. That is exactly where the reaction came from, the reaction of me giving up, the reaction of me like letting go of these ideas of morality and basically releasing myself from that system because I was being so hard on myself to fit into this ideal of myself that I was forgetting my own decision within it all and I was forgetting the purpose within/as the physical tasks - I was only focusing on my own self interest...I was planning to leave that for another blog but I'll go into it now and explain a bit more.

Specifically what existed within the reaction is that I was sitting at home not doing much, having these thoughts of writing, working on SRA etc, and all the while having these thoughts running around in the mind about this point of not working on it, like I was still watching videos and basically resisting working on SRA or writing, so in this resistance I was more so trying to force myself to get myself back on track within/as that point of morality via being hard on myself, and then I would just resist again because it was coming from this point in the mind that I was not standing equal and one with within/as the physical actions of writing or working on SRA - so this built up to a point of breaking and giving up trying to force myself to do anything - but this was coming from a point of self-interest - meaning, each time I had the thought of writing there was that separation in/as the point of morality related to the world system that I was not standing equal and one to so when/as that breaking point came up I said fuck it to everyone and everything and brought myself back to myself within/as self-interest within/as what I wanted to do within that moment, instead of trying to force myself to do something in which I believed was a point outside of myself in/as morality I reverted back to myself and said fuck it, I'm living for me - so in this I was not seeing and forgetting that I don't exist as an island - my actions of/as themselves are not inconsequential within/as the physical reality, I was simply focusing on myself in this point of saying fuck it to everyone and everything and focusing solely on myself - that was a part of the breaking point - like saying fuck it to writing for/as someone else, saying fuck it to blogging to assist and support another within/as a realization, saying fuck it to working on SRA within/as this point that I need to work on it for other people or in separation from myself in this point of it being morally right, which then lead me into this point of self-interest and not caring about relationships, just focusing on myself as if I was an island without influence within this world - but obviously that is not the case because simply from being here as a being in this physical reality I am going to have an influence on this reality whether or not I believe it to be true or perceive it to be real - an influence on a small and large scale equal and one simply through participating in this world system.

That was the reaction that I went through within/as this point of being hard on myself and living in this point of morality in a separation of myself from/as the tasks that I was presented to be responsible for and chose to do so from/as the point of morality rather than a self-honest understanding of what it is that I am doing here within blogging, writing, and taking responsibility for myself in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself within the mind in/as participating in the thoughts and energies of trying to force myself to write in/as the belief of it being a moral responsibility for myself, in this separating myself from the act of within in/as/of itself and writing from a point in which I am not standing equal and one to within myself in/as self-honesty nor an effective understanding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that desteni responsibilities tie in with morality and use this point of morality as my starting point for any movement that I do within desteni - not realizing or seeing that within/as desteni and the public aspect of desteni, it isn't about morality but/as and from an understanding within self that each of us, simply by being here on this Earth, are responsible for the movements and existence of/as this Earth on an equal basis and an understanding that each of us are participating in the exact same system, some more privileged than others, and the privileged have the ability to move within this world/system to create a different world system so that all beings are supported equally within/as the understanding that each of us are all living within/as one life and the same life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to operate within/as self-interest within only considering myself within this world and considering only my own movements and what I want within/as the movements of myself within this world - forgetting and ignoring the fact that I am going to have an influence on this world no matter what, and it is pertinent to take responsibility for myself within/as this world so that I take responsibility for myself in/as the points that I have allowed myself to be abusive towards this world and towards myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that desteni and the involvement of myself need not exist from a moral stand point, but simply from a decision within myself in/as an understanding of what and how this reality is operating and how I am able to make a change within myself and then have an influence on the outer reality as well - to assist and support other beings in/as the realization that we are all living the same life and in order for me to improve into/as my best living expression this entire world needs to do the same thing because without that the best simply doesn't exist.

I will continue on this point in the next blog - thank you for reading

Friday, January 9, 2015

Day 543 - What Does Being Hard on Yourself Create?

Being hard on myself has been a program that I have been facing since I started the process of self investigation and self correction. I have found it a hard program for myself to stop and correct because I have held many many beliefs about morality and what is good and what is wrong within this lifetime and in creating these morals and/or ideas of polarity of what is right or what is wrong I have separated myself from my own movement because I am placing that point of movement outside of myself within the belief of morals, you know? Like the design of morality is to enslave oneself to following a set of actions that one has defined as positive and avoid the ones are negative, therefore as we look at these movements or actions as being morally right or wrong we are placing that definition of movement outside of ourselves = we decide to move ourselves not from our own will but from a belief of a definition of an action relating to morality.

As I stated this is quite a hefty design of mine and something that I have recently been facing. Within the decisions I make in relation to my movement within blogs, within desteni, within almost everything there are usually these points of good and/or bad encompassing them, and from that I will make my decisions, but I mean shit, the point of morality usually doesn't have an affect on what I will choose, It only affects how I see myself within the decisions that I make, and affects the thoughts that I have in relation to the actions. This obviously leads to being hard on myself because I have this idea of what is good and what is bad within/as my actions and within the design and construct of energy in relation to good and bad there is going to be a polarity pull from each of the two polarities. Since there is the pull of the polarities when/as I go into a point in which I have defined as being morally wrong I start to be hard on myself to following that which I have seen as being bad and in from this I start to define myself as morally wrong and go into these points of self judgment - which again is related to being quite hard on myself. What this then stimulates is this attempt to be incredibly hard on myself and force myself back into following that which I have defined as morally good which there is a resistance to at times because I am trying to force myself to do something that I am not standing one and equal with within myself due to the placement of the point outside of myself within the point of morality.

I recently went through this point to the extent of breaking because I have been allowing it to accumulate without awareness for quite some time. So like after a while all this friction and tension builds up within myself to the extent that I started to question what it is that I am really doing, you know, like since I have been placing these points outside of myself without effectively understanding or seeing what it is that I am doing within the point outside of self interest I started to question what/who I am within the movements that I have been forcing myself into doing. With the tension building up I got to this point within myself where I was like fuck it, I'm done trying to force myself into these things and basically I gave up for a moment, but I gave up on forcing myself, like I still took a look at what it was I was doing - you know - like I was still cool with applying self forgiveness, still cool with the tools of self-investigation and all that but the point that I gave up on was the point of trying to force myself into the ideals that I was attempting to live within the construct of morality - like I was ok with the tools because I understood what they were supporting me with, but this whole point of caring about other people, and doing things in the public eye which had no immediate benefit for myself - that's what I gave up on and that's what I have been defining within the realm of morality - like within the words "Do what is best for all" I have understood that as a moral obligation rather than an understanding of the fact that no man is an island and that no matter what, whether or not I perceive myself to be alone in my actions, there are going to be consequences of my actions on the people in my environment and the direct reality that I live in, so in that I wasn't understanding or seeing past myself in this world, which is quite unfortunate but I mean it is a point now for me to take into myself and correct now that I have started to see it. Those are points for another blog though.

So within being hard on oneself or applying this point of attempting to live in morality in/as the belief of what is right or what is wrong, one is separating oneself from standing one and equal to the decisions to live how one is living and forcing self to move to do something that self is not completely understanding and it creates this point of friction within oneself where the relationship with self really starts to deteriorate. Learn from my mistakes and make sure that what you're doing within yourself your not forcing yourself to do from some point outside of yourself such as morality or a belief system, take a step back from the movements of polarity of what is right or wrong and make the decision for yourself in self honesty - like take a look at all the factors that exist within a decision and take a look at the physical reality in/as the decisions, but I mean, the most important part of this, from what I've learned, is to relax within yourself and take a clear self-honest look at what is fueling the movements that one is embarking on - and if it is not self within self will and an understanding of what self is doing then to investigate the point and clear self on the decision and movements that self is doing

In the next post I will be writing out Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements to support myself within this point

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Day 542 - Being Here vs Being in the Mind

A point that I have been working on, specifically at work, and with the mornings, is bringing myself back into physical awareness, so that I can pay attention to myself here, pay attention to the environment and keep myself stable in the physical reality. Recently though I have been finding that I have been becoming very tired while at work and while at my home life, sleeping a lot of hours due to, what it feels like, is physical exhaustion but taking a look at bit deeper I find that it is more related to personalities than to real physical exhaustion.

For a few weeks my left eye has been twitching on and off every so often - like when I start to speak to people at work the left eye will start to twitch, which within the interview - - states that it is the start of a personality manifestation within self, which, while at work, is true. So the reason why I bring that point up in relation to being here, vs being in the mind and tiredness is because that I have noticed that I will quickly go into this point of personality in the early hours of the work shift and from there on become quite tired in the following hours - I mean I am not breathing while I am in that point of personality - well I am breathing - but I am not aware of myself in/as breath and in/as the physical and therefore I am more within the mind. For a week or two I was working on this point each time that I was at work; giving myself physical awareness, breathing, focusing on the body and what is here, and now I have found that I have been more so going into the personality system. This starts to make me quite tired while working and it is quite a separation from myself here in the physical reality. The reason I started to go into this personality system was in order to survive within the environment that I am in - you know - it is a heavy male infested environment in which any point of vulnerability or sensitivity is usually attacked by the other males - like typical social structure shit - so I've gone into that point of personality in/as a point of survival as I have often found myself to be a sensitive and vulnerable person. From going into the personality I am separating myself from the ability to breathe and the ability to maintain physical awareness - because I mean what I am doing within the character/personality is attempting to mold myself into the environment and into the structure that already exists there, but, in all honesty, that is not something that I actually want to do because I know what I am manipulating myself into in order to fit in. You know, it's this whole point of giving self up in order to fit in and survive - it's what most of us do in this world - we put on these personalities and characters in order to survive within the immediate environment that we are within. This reminds me of the saying - being in this world and not of this world - with the personality structure/system that I go into with work I am becoming of this world where I am a product of my environment and I just move within/as the programs that I have set up to survive within the social environment rather than being here with myself deciding who I am. So this is one of the points that I have been recently falling behind on in my daily application of myself .

The second point is the mornings. In the mornings I will wake up and usually have a thought process within my head while I am waking up - you know, going over what I am going to do within the day, going over what I have done in the past day or just thoughts about a point, you know, like imaginations and projections about a point that I have running in the mind - I have noticed that the later point is usually involved with anger and it basically starts out my day like that, like I look for a piece of programming that I can move on within the day and it really is programming, it is a thought pattern in which to move myself on, it is not me here in breath. Like today I was going through the same thing - thoughts were running around in the mind as I was waking up and I wasn't `set` on any of the thoughts - like not committed to any of the thoughts so like I go to get up and there was a physical resistance within the body, so I saw this and, breathed, and stopped the points within the mind, and got myself up physically, like it was a choice in that moment, a movement of myself here just deciding to get up.

Sf On the Personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when entering the work environment to go into the specific personality that resonates with other males, where the point of the ego comes out, where we make fun of each other and poke holes at each other, and in this go into this personalities from the starting point of fear of survival - go into this personality system to fit into the mold of the environment of the warehouse rather than breathing and standing on my own within/as the environment, standing on my own meaning not allowing myself to follow the people that have gone there before me, but to lead my own path by/as me within/as the environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the personality structure of being a typical male, where I make fun of other people in the warehouse, where I make lewd comments towards others and play along with their games, out of the fear of fitting in, or fear of being an outcast within the environment, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dawn this specific personality structure when/as I am around males in particular, to not show them any vulnerabilities, and in an attempt to get along with males out of the fear of not being liked or not fitting in, rather than simply standing on my own - allowing myself to breathe, relax and simply be me, be here, breathe, and speak what is here that I see and allow them to be them, meaning like, what I do in those scenarios is look at them and attempt to match their resonance so it is easier to fit in etc, but in this I realize I don't need to match their resonance, I can simply stand here on my own, breathe and allow myself to go about the job, so in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here within myself at work, breathe, and go about the job and communicate how I would like to communicate with the other people in the warehouse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter this personality system around other males in order to fit into the male ego mentality, instead of allowing myself to simply be, breathe, be here, and express myself unconditionally around males, regardless of ego or this point of machismo, you know, like still allow myself to be here in/as an expression of me and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the personality that I go into at work is an expression of my beingness, when taking a look at it, I am not breathing within/as that expression, I am not here in awareness, I am within the mind thinking about what I am going to say or thinking about how to express myself which is not an expression, it is a thought pattern

I commit myself to when/as entering the work place and starting to talk to people, I commit myself to bring myself back here, breathe, stabilize myself in the environment and simply be here, without the point of personality, without thought, and just communicate with what is here

I commit myself to stick to myself when I am in the environment of strictly males, wherein I allow myself to be within the system, and not of the system - you know, like allowing myself to remain here with myself in awareness and in breath - not looking outwards in focusing on another persons expression and attempting to match them, but here with myself in breath and in a decision of how I would like to express myself, not from thought, but from simply being here with the body

Friday, December 26, 2014

Day 541 - Defining Ourselves By Experiences

So with the point of work and reestablishing myself with the point of work, working on the resistances and reactions towards working what I have found is a point of enjoyment within work. Previously when I was working at my previous job the same reactions would exist, the job I found to be very boring and monotonous, I disliked the environment and I didn't like the fact that I had to work at that job, feeling like what I was doing was absolutely worthless and I didn't not find any sense of enjoyment, each time I was going to go into work I was dreading going into work, and my expression in that moment would become absolutely diminished. I wouldn't be here which stopped me from responding to people, stopped me from responding to my environment etc. At that time I left to go away for vacation at the farm so I didn't absolutely face that point in my reality - so what I have been going through recently is the exact same experience with this new job, because, well, shit, it is the exact same job as before - just for a different company, and while I have been working on these points, moving past them, not allowing myself to dread working for so long, not wanting to be elsewhere to delve into desires, what I have started to find is enjoyment in work, and enjoyment with myself being there at work and interacting with the people around me. So like simply from our reactions that we have towards a physical movement we can create and define our experience within, but that experience certainly does not need to define us, nor are they a definition of ourselves or our expressions yet we can be deluded into believing that they are the definition of ourselves, and believe that we are the experience and that the experience is a set thing.

So specifically what I worked on within the point was stopping reaction towards the environment. What I have been experiencing and emoting towards work is a disdain for the environment and the people there - like a few of the people that have been there have become distraught with the work that they are doing as well and then they take those emotions and project them onto the other workers, like resonate that point, and I was allowing that point to get to me, where the words that they would say to me I would just start to hate being around them and then therefore start to hate being at work, or more so, become reactionary towards being in the environment at work, so in this I worked on not allowing those words get to me, meaning, if they spout something negative towards me, I either ignore it, don't respond, and continue with myself or simply play with their negativity and give a bit of quips back, so in that point, I don't allow that point of them disliking their job to be placed into me, I no longer accept that point into myself, cause like if I do accept the dislike of my job then their points within themselves, I am also going to accept into me and then allow that whole system of disliking the job and the environment - so with this point, the biggest change that I can note that attributed to not disliking or dreading working for so long is stopping the want to get through tedious tasks, such as working, to move into desires. This point is what I am working on within work and also in other aspects of my life where I have noted that this point of haste or rushing comes up if I have a projection or want to get to a desire as fast as possible, you know something that I have defined as positivity, and I would want to get out of negativity- eg work - to get to a point of positivity - desire.

The second point is time, like the time that I work is quite long - 12hr nights - and the work that I do is monotonous - placing boxes on skid and repeating one single order over and over throughout the night - so in this it can become quite boring if one is paying attention to the time and has this thought running around in the background then the job is going to become ridiculously boring and annoying, where one just waits for the time to be done, so in this, focusing on the physical body and `keeping my head down` and focusing on the job that I am doing, the body, the people, the physical environment helps with that point of it being boring because one is not solely focusing on the time, waiting for the time to be done. As I focus on the physical reality and let go of any projection into the future of what I would rather be doing I can just be here with myself in a point of expression of myself here with myself - because when/as I allow myself to enter that state of not wanting to be at work or something like that I lose my expression and allow a system to enter me - that system of not wanting to be here with myself in the body.

Overall the experience of myself in work has changed dramatically - from dreading work to being ok with working - and in being ok with working I can allow myself to enjoy work as I am here with myself in a point of expression with myself. So the definitions or experiences of ourselves within certain environments are always susceptible to change and not a definitive definition of ourselves.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Day 540 - Victimization of Myself Within the System

With work another dimension opened up with anger towards the point of working 12 hr nights and the point that this job is really pushing the body to it's limits when it comes to diabetes, so in this I allowed myself to get quite pissed off last shift because of the thoughts that were running around in my head, which were, that the job is killing me, that I simply cannot work the job because of diabetes, and in this I went into the point of anger/frustration and giving up on the job and also giving up on the future plans that I have created , and I mean I am on probation still so they are still looking to see if they want to keep for as an employee so leaving work early is a compromising point to do which will compromise the future plans in which case I have to be fine with, I am not going to stress or fear about that point, just going to breathe through it. But regardless the point that I am facing here is the point of the job and the, what it seems like, is victimization towards myself within the system where I believe and think that it is not fair that I have to work this job in the way that I have to in order to make a living/life for myself. And the day that it was coming up I allowed it to possess me, like I saw that I could let it go, breathe, and work, and maintain the security of the job, but I didn't decide to do that, I decided to throw a wrench into my life and leave work early which now puts into question whether or not I will get walked out…regardless again, the point that I am working on is the anger towards word and feeling victimized, so I mean look, I am responsible for this life that I am living, I am responsible for the position that I have placed myself within this world system and yes I certainly do not like it, it is really hard on me as a being at the moment, specifically with diabetes, but I mean I should look elsewhere for a better job and not just accept this life, but in this as well, I should not compromise my ability to give myself an effective life regardless of the emotions running around within me - so in this we will see how the events play out - and in this I will continue further with searching with ways to improve my life again specifically with allowing myself to get a job that doesn't make things as difficult as they are now, . In this thought, the point is anger and frustration with diabetes and with working and with difficulties controlling and/or directing my reality which I have not been good at, because even within the internal reality I have not been directing thoughts, and therefore I have not directed the outside world either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project anger onto the system for the circumstances that I face with diabetes and with working, when both points are my responsibility to manage and take care of within this system - they are not the systems fault, they are my responsibilities to manage and take care of and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do the best that I can to manage both points and manage my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a compromising position within this life, compromising my health, body and life for the point of money, not taking into consideration the body, only taking into consideration the point of money, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my health, life , and body for the purpose of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted and limited by the system around me, and in this throw emotions around at my direct environment and people when in this I am not living responsibility for my placement of myself within that point, and in this accepting the circumstances as being my fate, when it is not true, I always have the opportunity to change my position within this system and find something that works for me, the body, and the life that I want to create for myself and others within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project anger and frustration onto the job that I am working, when it is not the job that is responsible for my positioning within the system, it is equally my responsibility as it is the system itself, and therefore, since the system is not a living sentient being, only I am able to make and create the changes that I need within this lifetime and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and frustrated rather than living that point of responsibility and making those absolute changes to my reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the correlation between directing the internal reality in/as directing thoughts, responding to thoughts in self honesty, and directing the external reality, so in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the internal reality to go unchecked and thus allow the external reality to also go unchecked and undirected which has resulted in the external reality being on that I do not enjoy being in, specifically in/as the point of work and what I physically need to do for work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct thoughts, to not direct the emotions and feelings that come up within a day or direct the thoughts that come up within a day, but to rather allow them to go undirected and attempt to move through the external reality unaffected by the thoughts without properly directing them

I commit myself to open up this other dimension of living the point of responsibility for my world, and for how I have created it and to simply stop projecting anger/frustration towards the system for being the system, and to in this, take charge of my reality and start directing it to support myself in this world

I commit myself to when/as I see a point in my reality that I feel like is forced onto me, like a point in my reality that I feel that I am affected by, to take a step back from feeling completely victimized towards the point, remove the emotions and/or feelings related to the point, breathe, and take a look at where and how I am the one responsible for creating such a point and investigate until I see where/how I see that I am responsible then take that point and decide to do something about it rather than throwing a tantrum, like breathe, calm myself down, be here, just go through with the reality that I have at the moment, and in the mean time take a look at how to change the point that I am unsatisfied with or feel victimized towards and change it/improve it

I commit myself to stopping the emotions in a moment that I feel powerless towards the movements of the system and breathe and look at where/how I am responsible for creating the point that I am facing and to in this change myself and change the point that I am facing

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Day 539 - W-urk

I have been facing a point within work recently and what this point entails is a diminishing of myself and my expression within work and then this point carries over into my home life where I diminish myself at home and like start to beat up on myself

So with more specifics the patterns plays out like this: the first day at work goes well, I'm here, I'm aware and I am participating in breath and like directing myself within the mind and within job and within physical reality and things `feel` good, like no reactions or anything that would diminish my expression, then on the last day of a work schedule, like a day before I am off of work I then start to not want to be here, I do not want to be at work and participate in work with awareness or with care, or with consideration for what I am doing- I get there and then don't want to be there, I am not completely sure where or what I want to be doing because within that state I realize that if I were to go home I would do nothing, I would still be within that point of not wanting to be here and it would carry over to the home life. I mean I do not want to be at work, nor do I want to be here, I am unsure of where or what I would exactly like to be doing, but from what I see and understand within the point when I have left work early is that the energy from desires is certainly related to it. Like when I have left work early the first thing that comes up in the mind is desires.

From this it sounds like I allow a want for desires to exist in the days that I would and I allow energy to build up in relation to the desires, or more so what happens is that I have this thought running around in the mind in relation to needing to work and that I can't participate in any of the desires that I would like to so eventually, when the last day of the stretch comes the energy has clearly built up to the extent that I just don't want to be at work at that moment and then I go into that state of not wanting to be here, being lazy, being unmotivated and not doing an effective job, nor do I live the point of responsibility for myself within the mind or responsibility for myself in giving myself awareness within the moment/day. This then carries over into the home life because when I get off of work I am still within that state of mind therefore when I get home I am still in that point of being unmotivated to put in effort to be here and support myself within awareness, so I allow this point of being lazy and being unmotivated and not moving myself within the physical reality = I allow my effort and participation in giving myself physical awareness to slip cause I am in that state of not wanting to be here and put in the physical effort and work that this life requires for oneself to move.

Once I get home and I am in that state it triggers another dimension of the mind which I inevitably go into which is the point of beating up on myself for not moving - but I will write about that in specificity in another blog, for this blog I am focusing on the reactions within work and stabilizing myself while I participate in the working part of the system design and work on not allowing the reactions, more specifically, stopping the reactions so that I do not compromise myself while I am at home, nor compromise myself while at work and give myself the best effort possible in all areas and aspects of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about desires while I am at work, and within thinking about the desires, projecting myself into imagination, playing out the desire and created the energy in relation to wanting the desire and needing to be at work, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the desire, to breathe through the desire, to bring myself back here, stabilize myself and participate in work with my best effort - not effort within work specifically, but effort within care and consideration for myself and the life that is around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to become unmotivated and project myself into getting off work at the end of the shift when the last day of a work stretch comes, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow the energy to move within me in relation to going and participating in desires,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what I would be rather doing while I am at work, think about being at home and in this create a negative energy towards working and a reaction towards working where I start to resist work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am being forced into work, which may be true due to the design of the system, but to accept and allow this feeling of disempowerment and resentment towards the work system only allows me to follow a pre-programmed design in which I then become resistant to cooperating with the job requirements and resist being here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to come to terms with the fact that work in this lifetime is necessary and that I cannot have the lifestyle that I would like for myself just yet because no one in this world are free yet and therefore I am not free to live how I would like and currently, at this moment, work is the best opportunity for me to make an income and gather enough resources to further my life within the system, and within this as well, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I still have me and my self honesty - meaning that I do not need to define myself by the job, all I need to do is the job and express myself within the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the job as shit, to define the job as being useless work in which I do not want to participate in because there is not self expansion, no opportunity for improvement of self and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within anything there is me, and all I need in order for myself to work on self expansion is myself here in breath, focusing on correcting one point at a time, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the work that I am participating in as useless and trivial and in this definition create a judgment towards the work that I am doing instead of allowing myself to do it unconditionally and within breath and awareness

I commit myself to when/as the last day of the stretch is coming up and if I note that I am going more so into that pattern of wanting to go and participate in the desire rather than be at work and do what is necessary to make a living in the system, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself out of the want to participate in the desire, and do my absolute best to bring myself back here in breath and awareness of myself in the physical reality, I commit myself to applying self forgiveness in that moment and letting go of the want and preference to participate in desires rather than be here in awareness of myself

I commit myself to when/as I find myself participating in wants to participate in desire such as being at home, playing video games, watching series, etc, I take a step back from the imagination in that moment, I let go of the desire, I let go of the projection and the energy, I commit myself to breathe in that moment and re-stabilize myself in the physical reality, be here with the body and move myself with the body when I am working

I commit myself to remove the desire to participate in desires, via when/as I see them coming up in the mind and in projection I commit myself to take a step back from the imagination and projection and bring myself back to the physical reality and in this bring myself back here in awareness of the physical reality and the physical body, committing myself as well to do what is necessary of me to remain within the system and to keep a life going for me

Monday, December 8, 2014

Day 538 - Self Absorbed Self Forgiveness

In the last post I was writing about the topic of being self absorbed in the mind and how I often only consider what I want out of a situation or an equation rather than seeing all points involved and considering all points in equality and then moving myself within what is best for all points involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the immediate reality that I participate in as `my reality` wherein I consider it mine which it is not, all points and all things are equally here with me in the immediate reality and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider all things/beings equally within my actions in the immediate reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often question what do I want out of a scenario, what do I want to have out of a scenario or an equation and only consider myself within that scenario, not looking at all the other beings/people/things involved within my actions or involved within the equation or scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the fact that there are timelines of events in this reality and that the materials that I see right here in front of me were created elsewhere and have many other people involved in the creation process of and that I am not the only one participating with the object or substance that is right here in front of me - you know, like the fact that I think or perceive myself to be the only one interacting with the object in a moment is not valid nor true and that is an issue because it is an illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only focus on the consequences of my actions on myself rather than seeing that I am part of the whole of this world and that my actions are going to affect many more people/beings than just myself alone, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in the mind with thinking solely about how I am affected by certain actions rather than looking at the physical reality and looking at the physical consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be narcissistic where I allow thoughts about me and how the world affects me or influences me to only exist within the mind, not taking a look at all the other beings in this world and looking at how the same system equally affects them - most often with worse consequences to their lives

I commit myself to taking a step back when/as I notice that I am only looking at myself within an equation, like when I am only thinking about or considering how the outcomes of the events will affect me and not taking a look at the fact that what I am doing is going to affect all people and things around me and most likely further from the space that I can imagine, and in this don't allow myself to take the `easy` road wherein the easy road only considers me, but to take an effective look at how/what may or may not happen or become created from the results of my decisions within that moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider myself within an equation rather than realizing and looking at the equation as an equal - meaning there are many factors that go into an equation and I am only considering myself within the equation when all point/factors are equally involved in creating the equation and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be absorbed with myself to the extent that I do not consider anything else other than myself within decisions or movements in the physical reality

I commit myself to slow myself down in the mind when I am only considering myself within a decision, in this it practically means that when/as I see myself only thinking about myself or my wants or needs then I take a step back from those thought processes and take a look at the larger equation, take a look at what else is involved within my decision and then in this remove the point of self-interest and find/start investigating what is best for all within that equation

When/as I see that I am thinking about only myself within a decision or within actions or believing and/or perceiving that I am only affecting myself within decisions I commit myself to use that as a flag point and to bring myself out of the mindset that I am in via breathing and taking a step back from the thought process and to then, within breath, slow myself down and look at the larger equation of things, take a look at where things come from, take a look at the outflow of events, and take a look at all things equally that will result in the outcome.