Sunday, May 29, 2016

Day 591 - Flexibility

I have been looking at being flexible recently, being flexible with the reality around me and being flexible with myself and in my movement. I started to look at this point when I was driving to work and I was very tense within myself because I was fearing that the car would break down and/or fearing something going wrong at work that would then compromise the movement of other plans that I had via adding onto the things that I had to get done and/or keep on track. That was the point that was the most pertinent = that I had points that I wanted to keep the car intact for and I was trying to hold everything together within myself and thus I was tense.

The reason flexibility came up is because I was and have been stressing myself out over everything working the way that it always has so that I can remain on a certain path and schedule and thus not allowing any room within myself for movement of myself or a change of reality around me..without going further into stress and panic basically. So with wanting everything to remain the same within my reality and have everything work without breaking down I have not lived the word flexible or allowed myself to be flexible within myself to allow room for those changes, for both the reality around me and for myself.

The creation point of this is not thinking that I can simply handle what comes up within a moment, believing that I always need to be prepared for everything before I go out and venture into whatever plan I do have or whatever comes up. There is this belief that I cannot process or trust myself to take whatever comes up and apply common sense within that moment and thus I want to and aim for everything to remain the same around me and within me so that I do not need to go into more stress regarding change and application of myself within something new.

Flexibility also comes up in relation to money….I suppose this whole point is regarding survival. Trying to hold everything together within myself so that I may be able to survive, specifically with money, like fearing the car breaking down and having to spend money on fixing it thus taking away from the movement of money towards other things. So here this point of flexibility comes in as a point for me to relax with myself and approach anything that comes up with myself, not from stress of needing to get other things done or having other plans for myself within that moment but from a starting point of embracing the change that is forever going to exist within life and to embrace a movement of flow within myself. Also to allow myself to release stress from myself, to allow myself to bring myself back here in self trust and not be so tense with the workings of the world and the physical reality

Flexibility is a word that I have not been living within my life through allowing myself to remain within stress and wanting things to remain the same and not break down or become dysfunctional in any way. But within this point that I have lived I have not given myself the opportunity to relax and release and process more information than I currently have adapted myself to. Not allowing myself to be flexible has turned into quite a detrimental point for myself because it has turned into a point of survival and wanting or believing that I need to hold tense within myself in order to survive =  fearing the outcomes of many situations and in this fear not allowing myself to move with comfort and adaptability.

What I see as being the contributor to this issue is having this point of planning ahead of myself as a constant thought process that I go into. So I place myself within the future and think about what I want to get done or what I aim to do within the future and basically lock myself into that position within my mind set and within my body as well. Therefore the solution - as is with most things is letting go, being here and breathing = not going into the future and sticking myself to a certain plan. Having a plan will still be cool as that can be a guideline for the direction that I will take, but allowing myself to go into a point of solidity regarding the plan only allows this point of flexibility to diminish, so it is to allow myself the movement and space inside of myself regarding time and money to give myself that expansion required within myself to develop this point of flexibility within myself.

This is something that I will be practicing within the next week and will update in the coming blog. Thanks. 

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Day 590 - A Moment Of Resistance

Today the point of resistance and self judgement came up again. It wasn't from like a point of just waiting around and going into resistance but it came from physical points. I had things that I wanted to do, like cleaning and basically organising the apartment a bit more, but I was feeling tired because I didn't get much sleep before hand so I decided to lay down and sleep for a bit. When I laid down I was feeling tired but after a few moments I started to feel low and when I feel low I cannot go to sleep because the body is not in a restful state. I waited for a bit to see if it was actually a low or just a feeling - sometimes when the blood sugar drops after injecting insulin it can feel like a low - so I waited and it started feeling worse so I got up and had a glass of juice, drank it and started to watch something as I waited for the juice to kick in and get the blood sugar back up so that I can rest. I waited there for a while and still felt low, it was like waiting three hours or something for the juice to kick in and I still didn’t feel like I was going up, so I tested again and I was still low. So I had a bowl of cereal and injected for the bowl of cereal and then spent a few more moments awake until the blood sugar leveled out and I could sleep again.

So that is the set up for the resistance. Because I had things on my mind that I wanted to get done and because I had `complications` with the schedule that I had set up for myself due to going low there was a thought that came up that I have just wasted my time and that I was therefore useless and/or - idk - I went into quite a bit of judgement within there. So like the resistance started to come up when I woke up because I felt as if I had already wasted time through struggling to sleep and/or sleeping too long so I within the judgement I didn't want to move myself and within that I also went into resistance until someone ended up calling me and after talking for a while about the point.

There is a point here of it not being about what I am doing but who I am within what I am doing and who I am was, from what I see, already within resistance before I slept - like there was still wakefullness within myself before I decided to sleep and there was still things that I could get done, but at the moment I decided to sleep and within sleeping while I was already in that point of resistance only brought it up again when I woke up and then the other factors or excuses came into play of it being too late in the day and needing to do other stuff as well. So the point here is that I allowed myself to go into resistance in the first place before I slept and did not direct that point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to properly consider and look at who I am within myself before I sleep and if I am in a point of resistance that is bringing on the feeling of tiredness or if I am physically tired and need some rest

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe and bring myself back to self awareness when/as I feel tired yet cannot directly say that I need sleep at the moment, and in this awareness to look at myself and who I am within myself and to, in that moment if I see that I am actually going into resistance or I already am in resistance to be the directive principle of myself in that moment and discontinue the allowance of the experience of resistance to direct me

When/as I feel that I am tired and I am simply looking at the screen and not doing anything and not moving myself in the physical reality to, in that moment, take a deep breath and as I inhale, bring myself back to self awareness of myself here in my body and in that moment look into myself if I am feeling resistant to directing or applying myself within the physical reality or if I am actually physically tired and if I am feeling resistance to then, keep on breathing and give myself direction in that moment and to as well not allow the experience or the thoughts regarding resistance to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse of not getting enough sleep to go into resistance rather than being here with myself remaining stable in breathing and seeing what the body is capable of within a single moment/breath and from that giving myself direction within those moments and capabilities of myself as well

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Day 589 - Resistance To Applying Myself

I have been approaching the point of resistance in the past few weeks and there are points that I do resist that are easy to move through and do and then there are other points of resistance which are more of a struggle for me and these points are within applying myself. So there are things like dishes or cleaning which I have been resisting that are easy to apply and get done and then there are points of things such as writing down my readings and keeping track of the management of myself within diabetes. This point came up when I was talking with another person regarding a pattern of high blood sugars in the morning and they were related to the point of resistance and what the body goes through when in this point of resistance, like the sluggishness which then creates a slow movement of the processes of the body which then heightens the blood sugar over night - and at that time I was still resisting a lot of things. So recently this point happened where I woke up with quite a high blood sugar reading and I was in this point of resisting some things and not resisting others and the point that tested out to be the cause of the high blood sugar was resisting writing down the blood sugar readings for the day when/as I was not resisting other things, like I did dishes and I worked on other responsibilities and so it made me question wtf was going on.

The point of recording the blood sugar readings is a point of applying myself and a point of taking care of myself and basically keeping track of myself so that I can apply myself and see patterns within myself to then correct to then give myself better care and a better life for myself. That is a point that I was resisting on the night before the morning of the high blood sugar and that is the point that I have been looking at recently. Where in my life am I lacking this point of applying myself, and how I am lacking or resisting applying myself.

I have found that it comes up in many instances, like the resistance to sit down with myself and write out a point and to apply self forgiveness on a point, which is the point of keeping track of myself and managing the patterns so that I can correct myself and see where/how to correct myself or to apply myself within a bit of creativity to see an opportunity to correct myself. So I have been looking at this point lately and looking at the solution to it. I mean writing down the blood sugar readings is quite easy, I only need to take a moment out of my time after work and go through the metre and write them down, and I have also been looking at this point of applying myself in regards to not allowing things to pile up and become a large task to do when/as it reaches its limit and to where I cannot `stand` it any longer. A perfect example of this is dishes. I eat a bowl of cereal a few times a week in the mornings before work and what I have done is to just leave the bowl on the table and leave for work and then the cereal dries up and sticks to the bowl which then makes it more difficult to clean later on. This is a point of allowing things to accumulate rather than managing the dishes or points as they come up, and it was a point of resistance that is creating this. Like I just wanted to leave things and go to work and also when I get home - to make food and then shower and go to sleep when all it takes is a little moment out of my time to wash or even rinse the dishes. So that is what I have been applying as I've been finding this point in a few areas of my life

Keeping `on top` of things is a lot nicer because there isn't an overwhelming experience of so much to do on the days that I have off and I can thus then get to more stuff because the things aren't piling up. This point also applies to other points within my life, like pertaining to emotions - there have been points that I have not been directing or applying myself within at work, so rather than allowing the point to accumulate recently I have been applying forgiveness at work and allowing myself to take the time within myself to process and look for solutions.

So, This is another point of resistance that I have been facing and another point that has contributed to an accumulation of other points that have been growing. It is still only in the beginning stages because the high blood sugar trigger happened recently, but I can see where and how I have given into this point of resistance and how, through small contributions managing the points to gather introspection and gather little bits of information as I look at it to then come up with a solution or correction is not that hard, it only takes that one decision or moment to `get back on top of things`

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 588 - The Resistance Part 2

Resistance still comes up quite often and, as I wrote in the previous blog, it is hard, or I make it hard on myself to get myself out of the resistance due to energetical experiences of self interest and of bringing myself back down to earth. It's like I enjoy this experience of comfort of being a couch potato and I cringe at the thought of giving it up for a moment to bring myself back here and give myself a task or work on something. What this is showing me is that there is still a resistance towards facing myself and also walking the physical process points that are applicable to me within process at the moment, like I am still going into energy quite often and not wanting to let that experience of energy go to then tackle the physical process points that need to be addressed within my life at the moment.

Like now, I have been watching a series and there is that energy running around within myself of feeling comfortable within allowing myself to just watch the show and do nothing else because it is something that is `easy` for me to get lost in and, well, in doing so I have been losing myself. Meaning I have not been giving myself the insight needed to really be introspective of myself and thus I have been `losing` myself within this point of resistance. I have been finding that I have not had much to say about myself or about life with other people than the basics, like the point of understanding this world and understanding myself has been blown away in the wind as I've participated in this point of resistance.

In letting go of judgments and letting go of being hard on myself to desire to change this point, like desiring to change this point yet not putting in the effort to understand what is actually going on within myself, I see that I have allowed this point of comfort to take reign in my life. Regardless it is still this point of resistance, resistance and reluctance to letting go of the experience of myself within the point of comfort to tackle a physical point, and I have been resisting to letting go of this point of comfort and taking that first step to move past the experience of myself within comfort and face these points of change.

There has been a lot of anger that has come up within myself in relation to this point in the last few weeks and it has only been a point of distraction from understanding it and from working with it, I mean the anger is a point of emotional manipulation because all I am doing is getting angry at the point and making no movement or change within the point of resistance and the point of letting go of the experience of myself within comfort, so it is only a distraction from myself to keep myself from actually changing the point of even introspecting to a point of understanding what is actually going on within me.

Letting go of this point of comfort is something that I have clearly struggled with throughout process. It is something that I realise is a large construct within the unconscious mind and within my process of being hard on myself and beating up on myself each time that I've gone into it I have only accelerated the problem because I have not been being gentle or caring of myself within the point, and thus within being hard, and due to the other constructs that exist within me regarding control and dominance = as I try and dominate myself within being hard on myself I only resist further and create more problems for myself within the point.

I will continue with the process and be looking at living the point of gentleness and care and consideration for myself within the words that I live and continue to look at this point of resistance within myself.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Day 587 - The Resistance

There is still a lot of resistance that exists within me resistance to writing, resistance to letting go of self interest and resistance to letting go of myself basically and allowing myself to simply be here without desire and without internal movement and basically a resistance to being aware of what is here, within me and within the outer world as well.

I realise that I do not need to go into this resistance, yet the thing that holds me back is the memories of myself within resistance and like constantly forcing myself to move myself because it is the 'right' thing to do; and this relates to the point of having duty within work and within moving myself within the physical. The belief that is is my duty and that is why I experience the resistance when moving in writing or moving within the mind construct or simply moving within dishes or within properly feeding myself. It all seems like this point of duty and the thing that I need to do because it is the right thing to do. So within this in haven't realised the simple point of putting in work or working. I have not yet realised what work in the physical is not have I understood myself within it. Like I haven't understood what movement means without that sense of duty or within that external force that then drives me to put in work. Lol and I really don't know where to start within understanding that point you know. It is like if I move myself within the physical in and from a sense of work then comes the duty and the belief and experience of it being a duty rather than a self expression, it's kind of like a catch 22 here where the point in which I aim to understand (work) also triggers the point that is causing the problem, and moving myself within understanding the problem then breeds the ground for the problem to exist. So I reiterate the point here that I have not realised myself within work and who I am within work or putting in effort within the physical reality.

At the moment there is less resistance because I want to write this out as an expression and as an understanding of myself. Yet there still runs in the background that sense of duty or doing what is right which then causes this point of almost stress. The writing at the moment is an expression of myself because well it is for no one other than myself although I may post it later, and it is an expression of myself because I have been looking at the point of resistance as I was watching the movie and questioning how it functions and how I am allowing myself to go into the resistance which then brings me back to the points that I started with, self interest, self awareness and letting go of myself.

As I've been walking this point of resistance I have always fallen when/as I have aimed to write about the point of resistance and tackle it. I also see that I have been quite hard on myself when approaching this point of resistance; not giving myself a moment of rest out of the fear that if I rest for a moment I will go right back into the resistance. Like if I sit and eat and watch something then I will end up giving into thoughts of enjoying sitting on the couch and doing nothing. So I guess this comes down to the simple point of just moving myself within a moment. Although, I also must live words of being gentle and considerate of myself, not pushing myself with force or rushing but with an understanding that I do actually enjoy moving myself and being productive within a day but I also need to let go of self interest or a point of reward at the end of the task. So this is, once again, the start of the process of walking this point of resistance and all that exists within this point of resistance, because I am unhappy with the lack of movement and dissatisfied with allowing things to slide only to get back up and put them in place again within myself and repeating the process ad nauseum.

In talking to someone about this point, it is laughable at how much of a perception and belief that I have created around this point, because the solution is simple. Please myself. Stop that which I am doing with myself and with time in which I am displeased about and make a proper change to those points within myself so that I create this point of satisfaction and pleasure being here with myself in this world. I mean I have created so many external points to place blame on, and thus I have been abdicating my responsibility for creating this distress and displeasure within myself. So it is quite simple really, work on moving myself within the points that I am dissatisfied with and slow myself down a lot more to see when I am going into the pattern where I know in the end I will be dissatisfied with myself.

This point ties into the previous blog because within the point of defeatism the resistance that I've gone into has been the core point within/as the point of defeatism = believing that I cannot change this point or that I am only going to struggle further with this point. So I will be continuing to take a look at this point, again, and writing forgiveness on this point in relation to the thoughts that exist and the feelings and experiences that exist within the point of self interest and within the resistance as well.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Day 586 - The Origin of Defeatism

Defeatism is a point that, as I look at it now, has been something that I have gone into a LONG time ago and basically only realising this point now and how I have allowed myself to participate in in thoughts and in my experience of myself within points of work and in points of living and life.

A while back when I was living on my own for the first time and working two jobs I had that, idk, umph, to continue to push myself and give it my all within process and within everything that I did. Like I didn't allow excuses to become such a constant that they have become now - and I guess that is also what this point of defeatism is about - excuses. I was making a lot of vlogs at that time and basically not giving into my own limitations or excuses as to why I couldn't do something or why I was limited on something and allowed that point of limitation to become a problem and a reason to not continue to move myself. And in this as well I has a lot of curiosity to move myself and to investigate things. I was also passionate about things - I enjoyed skateboarding and I did it regularly and it was something that I was passionate about and, you know, like had a hobby to express myself within and like with life getting to the point that I am currently at I have been feeling defeated by the money system and the world system with time and well, I suppose it is like not expecting life to be like this and in this not standing equal and one with what it is in fact like.

So this point of defeatism is feeling defeated by life - like not finding the enjoyment in life that I once did and not finding that point of expression within myself that I once did. Like the experience of myself is one of defeat within time and within hobbies and the expression that I have within myself in relation to hobbies and activities. It also comes from self suppression and like not finding the motivation within myself to express myself the way I once did. And in this as well I see a lot of comparison to the past of myself in what I did and who I was within the past that I am looking for within my expression and within my reality today so in this the point of not standing one and equal with the points that exist today is relevant and pertinent.

What I wrote in my last blog highlighted the point of not looking for solutions or wanting to find solutions immediately and when not finding solutions immediately to then give up and feel defeated. So the point of allowing excuses to manifest is also a point for me to look at within this whole design of defeatism. Excuses to not move myself, excuses to not express myself and excuses to not give myself a hobby or give myself enjoyment within the things that I do here with myself, and excuses to not push myself within the `problems` that exist within my life or within the world and the design of the system, and believing that it is just too ingrained for me to move through or to change within this lifetime.

The first point that I have been working on is my experience within defeatism. I have been working on the experience of feeling down and feeling like there are no solutions within the problems that I face and then giving up within the problems or simply accepting the point that I am not satisfied with as being the way that things are always going to exist as. What I have been changing within that is that point of excuses and that point of not trying or not wanting to try to figure out a solution to the problem - of already seeing the problem as too much for me to walk a solution within and giving up - like realising that I have not yet even looked at a solution within the problems that I am facing and already seeing myself as powerless to change the point. So I have not been accepting that point of feeling immediately powerless and more so looking at solutions and aiming to understand the problem and understand the working of the system and what I need to do within the system or who I need to be in relation to the system to create the points that I am looking for. Like for example there is a point with diabetes and doctors lately that I have been feeling powerless within - like seeing the doctors as being powerful over my life in relation to providing the prescriptions for the medication and me not being able to take care of myself without their `help` or their persons being involved in my care for me as well. So I had to have a look at what the solutions are and basically I need to maintain a relationship with a doctor with appointments so that this point does not manifest again. And that is something that I need to stand equal and one to and change within myself so that I can empower myself continuously to take care of myself.

Defeatism has gotten a little better since I made that change but there is still quite a bit of movement and change that I need to do - so I will share this journey with you.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Day 585 - Defeatism

Currently, within my life, there are a few points that I have been feeling defeated by in relation to the money system and world system in and as how it operates and functions. Within these points of defeatism I have been allowing quite a bit of backchat to exist within myself that are only supporting this program within myself. Like for instance I have been feeling defeated by money, primarily. I have been aiming to go to school for a few years now but I have not been able to gather the funds in order to support myself through the first year of school and live alone which is like paying rent and being able to afford fuel and food so that I can live - and from not having enough money I have been feeling defeated by the system in and as how it operates, feeling limited and feeling like I am stuck within a life that I cannot expand myself within in relation to the world system.

I have been backchatting about how 40 years ago people my age were making 18$ an hour and that was a standard - well according to my father whom this information is coming from - and here we are now still making 18$ an hour - basically finding it hard to find a job that pays that amount, while the living wage and the expenses of everything have increased significantly. So this means that it is harder for the generation that I am in to make a living for ourselves because the wage has stayed the same while the cost of living has increased. But anyhow that is the backchat that has been supporting this feeling of defeatism in relation to the system and money and the point of school.

What I see within this backchat is that there are still individuals who are going to school that are my age and are able to make the point of living alone work well enough that they are surviving; so within this point of defeatism I simply have not looked at the point of how and or where within the world system and money system am I able to conjure up a plan that will support me within the opportunity to go to school and place myself within a different position within the world system and that is basically what this point of defeatism is about = looking at the situation that I am in in a large negative overtone and only seeing the problems of the situation that I am in and succumbing to the problems and not allowing myself to see the limitations or problems that do exist within the situation and then see where and how there are solutions to each and every one of those problems.

What I have been allowing within myself in relation to this point of defeatism is a point of giving up and not empowering myself to rather look at solutions; seeing myself as being less than the money system and the world system and perceiving that the system is just too big or too intricate for me to successfully navigate to the goals that I would like for myself.

There are solutions out there for every point that exists. I have been in this point previously in relation to almost the same point - where I had to upgrade my high school marks and I had the same experience of defeatism where I thought that it was just impossible for me to practically go to school and upgrade my marks while working, but in the end I made it work - it took some pushing from myself to do what I did but in the end I still did it - so there are possibilities and solutions out there it's simply the point of searching for and finding them and making adjustments to myself to adapt those solutions.