Friday, July 31, 2015

Day 566 - Direction and Purpose

Going back a few blogs I was touching upon the point of purpose and what I have been looking at recently is how I have been accepting and looking for direction from other people.

I have allowed myself to frequently look towards other people for direction and purpose within my life, meaning I would often accept another person's ideas or perceptions or advices on where/how to direct my life and look at where/how I can incorporate that point within my life without actually understanding what it is that I want to do with that information nor understanding what it is that I actually would like to pursue within my life and how I am able to practically, within the physical reality, pursue that point. I have often allowed myself to be sidetracked by my allowance of influence from other people because within myself I never actually sat down with myself and walked a timeline of the physical reality in looking at how it's possible to walk a route towards the goals/ideas that I have for myself.

The problem with accepting other people's ideas and allowing myself to be influenced by them is because of the physical timeline process. With looking at what it is that I want to create for myself within this life and how I would like to live in this life and committing myself to creating these things for myself I became more stable in `knowing` myself and understanding my goals for myself.

I have been looking at the point of what it is that I want to move on within my life. I have had many many options and paths to choose from ranging from a systematic life to a life in which I am the boss and I have had to really take a look at what I want to give to myself within this lifetime, simply for myself, you know, like what I want to live, because, well, this is my life after all and living for other people, which is what I have been doing, isn't going to give me a life that I would actually want. Living my life for myself does not mean avoiding or rejecting other people, assisting or supporting them is still a purpose of mine and something I aim to incorporate as it is something that I would like to incorporate into my life.

So I had to have a look at what I wanted to create within this life, I looked at the point of school and that was a yes in my book, previously it has been an idea of what I need to do in relation to other people and/or an idea that I needed to go through school in relation to the standards of the system. From that starting point I was never absolutely certain that what I wanted to do was go to school and study because the point was always in separation from myself wherein it as not a confident decision within myself, I allowed influence from other sources to create that decision and thus uncertainty derived from it. When making the decision to commit myself to school I had to look at it for myself. There was always the idea behind why I would like to go to school, like the end goal of what I wanted to achieve within school and that end goal itself was a point influenced from other people, so I simply looked at the short time line, of simply going to school and that point within myself was a certainty. I then had to look at the physical processes of what it is going to take to put myself through school - meaning I have looked at it before but have depended on loans or other people to assist financially and I would much rather support myself through it without support from other people or institutions if possible. In looking at the physical processes I had to make a few more commitments to myself, specifically regarding money and how I am going to make a good chunk of money to pay for school.

Anyhow, the point that I am getting at here is purpose and direction, from what I've seen within myself, comes from looking at the short term goals that we want to achieve, then looking at if that is really what we would like to do. Like looking too far into the future of our goals, what we want to achieve kinda places our movement `out there` and not in a real tangible reality where we can look and see what physical steps we need to take in the first place to get to that end goal; and maybe along the way that end goal will change. It has for me where I am unsure of the end goal but certain that within the short term I would like to approach school. So looking too far into the future in relation to what it is that we want to create allows this point of movement and direction to fail to be grounded in the physical reality. In looking at the `short term` goals, like what we want to create or move upon within a year or six months the realities of our direction or the purpose that we want to move on become much more tangible and we then are able to give ourselves real world practical direction, seeing what we can do within a day to day or week to week basis.

So if you have allowed other people's influence affect your decisions, this can even be friends or relatives being successful or quick within getting a career and you're pushing yourself in a direction which you aren't confident within to then take a step back from the whole idea of what you're looking at creating or take a step back from the path that you're currently walking and take a look at a short timeline in front of you, look at the points that come up within that timeline and make a decision/commitment to yourself to then walk that point, in this we can become sure of ourselves within our path even if we're unsure of our end goal.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Day 565 - The Design of Self Judgement

I was having a conversation with a buddy and we were talking about ourselves within self judgement and what exists within ourselves in relation to the judgements, how the design if accepted into ourselves and how we hold judgements against ourselves for our past mistakes and how that may be hard to let go of because of our tendency to repeat those mistakes within ourselves, repeat here meaning to not necessarily repeat them in the physical but to reply the memories within ourselves and hold those judgements against ourselves over and over.

Within this we have these secrets about ourselves that we try and hide from other people, things that we see or believe that we have done `wrong` within or have committed some crime or act that makes ourselves look bad and within this we then start to fear these things coming to the surface within our personal relationships and/or realities. These are things that we have not embraced nor have been self honest about and we hold these ideas of ourselves within the memories in which we then judge ourselves by. This can be quite a fuck up because while we're being social and/or among a group of people we're always within this tense state or stressed state within ourselves due to the fear of them finding things out about ourselves, so in this as well we are not here with ourselves embracing ourselves entirely, usually within a state of separation within/as judgement. This doesn't only affect ourselves but also affects the relationships around us because if we're here within a state of judgement towards ourselves this is also going to be projected onto the people around us and onto the environment or situations around us as well. This is what I have seen within the design and a large part of the point within the design of self judgement is also a lack of self honesty.

Self honesty in relation to self judgement relates because within the judgements that we hold of ourselves, within the memories and the ideas within ourselves we are not looking at the full spectrum of what is going on within the image/picture of the judgement itself, we are not looking within ourselves and within the movement of decisions and thoughts that are existing within ourselves within that moment. We only tend to look at the small moment of judgement, the act that makes us define ourselves as less than ourselves or less than other people. I do this still with a select few memories in which I have not taken a self honest look at nor have I applied self forgiveness within the memories. Forgiveness is certainly a very important aspect of letting go and removing the design of self judgement. Within the memories obviously there are these designs that we are judging ourselves for, within me there is this one memory in which I am completely oblivious to another person's `advances` towards a relationship with me and in this I am judging the obliviousness and the lack of understanding and lack of awareness of myself within that moment but within that memory I am not looking at what was going on within my mind, what I was focused on, and how I decided to act and how I saw the act in itself, I saw the act as more so a joke and a playfulness rather than a serious attempt at getting my attention. So the reason that this memory comes up is because within the memory and image of myself there is this like, "Damn I was so obviously/dumb" within the memory but when looking at it in self honesty and seeing what was going on in my head at that moment I can see why/how I allowed myself to not take the request seriously and take a step back from the moment and realize what was going on, and within self honesty the judgement is less because it is an understanding of what was going on within myself rather than the judgement of the image and/or judgement of my actions.

So self honesty and self forgiveness are two very important things to practice and perfect when dealing with points of self judgement, because, as with all judgements, we only look at the face value of the image or actions that we're working with, we're not looking beyond and into the reasons that create such an action or decision. This point is very useful when looking at ourselves within decisions and actions as well. If we are prone and/or have developed quite a habit of being judgemental of ourselves then self honesty and self forgiveness and real introspection into ourselves will help greatly within making the decisions within future and present timelines.

The design of self judgement is only looking at the image at face value, judgement in itself does not include anything beyond the superficial world. So to help and assist ourselves in letting go of self judgements the key is to then look beyond the superficial world and look at the reasons and movements within a decision or action and to understand those first and foremost before jumping to a conclusion based in judgement or self judgement.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Day 564 - Understanding Ego

So what is Ego? Ego is currently how we have defined ourselves within our lives, it dictates what we accept and allow ourselves to participate within, it dictates who we are going to be within any given situation and decides what/how we will direct ourselves throughout our lives. Based on the definitions that we hold of ourselves this limits what we see, what we experience and what we decide to do.

From our experiences within our lives from childhood we start to hold dear certain aspects of ourselves, even the perceivably negative aspects of ourselves we start to value and define ourselves by. For example, I have often played games as a child and so I can then define myself as a `gamer` or a person whom is interested in video games and so thoughts and experiences and directions can revolve around video games. We can start to define ourselves as a gamer or as a hockey player or a sports enthusiast, or this can be a definition of ourselves as being lazy or an excited person and then these backchats and ideas of ourselves start to form and circulate within the mind and boom there is ego, there is our definition of ourselves and the idea within/as who we are within this life.

Now what I have been walking in the past few blogs have been in relation to these ideas of myself and the points that I have noticed that I react to are things that I have previously thought and judged about myself. Meaning, say there are dishes on the counter and I am there doing my business around the counter and a thought pops up to do the dishes but I think about `my time` and spending my time doing the dishes and I decide no, I will not do the dishes. Then let's say that someone points out the fact that the dishes are piling up in the context of not taking responsibility or contributing which, as how I have defined it, is the antithesis of laziness, then how I have defined myself within/as a laziness and judged myself for that laziness comes up immediately and then I go into a point of self judgement, so here the point for me to look at then is how I judge myself for certain `attributes` that I have defined myself as and have accepted a negative polarity towards and have accepted myself to judge those points, and also to look at how I have accepted the definition of myself as being lazy or irresponsible and have embodied that definition of myself through the past habits and behaviours of myself.

So as I stated, these points are points in which I have already thought about, the reactions that come up within me are things that I have already thought about doing - for example that definition of being lazy wherein I already thought about doing the dishes and then that thought comes up of the idea of who I am as lazy or selfish, then if someone points it out then immediately comes the reaction. These are the points that I will focus on in the coming days, the points wherein I want to push myself past the boundaries and limits of thoughts that have defined me or that I have accepted to define me, the thoughts that contradict another thought or idea that I have had, obviously within common sense and self honesty, for example the dishes point where if I have the thought to do dishes to then push myself to do the dishes and forgive any thoughts that come up in relation to not doing the dishes or nothing wanting to give up `my` time to work on the dishes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the thoughts that come up wherein I aim to push myself to do more than what I have accepted myself to program to and in the suppression to then accept a thought that is relevant to the programming that I already have defined myself and have accepted within the past

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within accepting the thought of my past preprogramming that I am also inheritantly accepting the pre-programming of self judgement as I am judging myself for having that thought and acting within the thought of my pre-programming of/as being lazy or putting in a half assed effort or something similar

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I have a thought in which I aim to push myself past my limitations and boundaries that that point within me is a cool point for me to follow, yet when/as a thought that comes up in relation to keeping myself in past patterns that I aim to move through and transcend that program I limit myself from expanding myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is easier to follow the past programming because that is where/hoe the neurons are accustomed to flowing and that it is going to take a push in a moment of awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to past patterns in which and how I have defined myself in relation to ego, and in relation to self judgement wherein I am aware that if I accept those thoughts of limitation that I am going to repeat the same patterns that I have lived

When/as I see a thought come up that contradicts what I am planning on doing which is align to expanding myself and changing myself to then, within that moment, breathe, see the thought for what it is, realize that I need to give myself a push to continue on with the point that is going to give myself a point of expansion, because I realise and understand that accepting that thought is going to only allowing me to repeat past patterns and not expand or move myself within the direction that I would like

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Day 563 - Self Forgiveness on Backchatting Ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self judgements as an excuse and justification for not taking the initiative within myself and making a change to that which I am judging - enslaving myself to the emotions of judgements and not making a step for myself to push myself past and beyond my limitations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring reactions back to myself when I take something personally that a person said and see where and how it is that I am judging myself within what I had taken personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can define myself through thinking about myself within specific scenarios that paint me within a light that I want to see myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about myself within specific scenarios in order to see myself and define myself within an idea that I want to see of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, everything that I see myself enter the mind and start to think about who I am or what I would be within this scenario or what I could have said within a memory or past event to immediately see and recognise that I am separating myself from the physical reality and holding myself locked within the mind, holding my expression locked within the mind and in flagging this point bring myself back to awareness of my physical body and physical awareness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do my best to be here with myself within the body and in the physical, aware of myself and my surroundings, and keep myself out of the mind simply through a decision on my part to place myself here, to drop myself into the body and remain stable within breathing and awareness of my physical self and stop trying to create an imagined self through ego and thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what I could be instead of seeing and looking at what and who I am within the actions and movements and decisions that I make within my day to day living and in this practice self honesty, practice seeing the real me and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into imagining a false me through ego

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to transfer the thoughts of imagining how I can be in scenarios into self expression wherein as I go back into the mind and look at how I `could have been` take a look at how I was accepting myself to exist within a point of insecurity and correct that point, take a look at the thoughts that I was accepting within that moment, looking at the relationship that I was holding with that other person/being, and introspect into the relationship with myself as the other person and with myself within that moment and learn about how to correct who I am existing as and correct the relationship with myself instead of only imagining myself as changing through thinking about myself within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as a being of expression and abuse my own expression via allowing myself to lock my expression away within the mind via placing it within an imagination and placing it within thought rather than action of an expression of myself within the physical reality

I commit myself to when/as I see that I am within the mind and thinking about how I `could` have been within a specific scenario or memory or creating a completely made up scenario, to flag that moment within myself as a signal to bring myself back here and if it continues, if I continue within it, to then look at where/how I am accepting a point of judgement of myself where I am attempting to make myself seem more than what I am

I commit myself to bring myself back here, to do my best at bringing myself back here in breathing and awareness of the physical environment around me, the sounds, the objects, the movements, and aware of my physical body

Monday, June 29, 2015

Day 562 - Removing Self Judgements

So with working on the point of self judgement what I have been applying myself within is not going into the thoughts of self judgement. So like when I sleep in for quite a while or when/as I am not active in writing and/or I am lazy then I apply myself in not entering the thoughts of like being a bad person or feeling like I am less than another person for sleeping late or being inactive for a while and it has been helping in relation to just not going into self judgement, but the difficult for myself at the moment is to then move myself past the habits and behaviours that I have accepted because that point of change of myself has been so heavily dependent on the negative energy, so like there is no judgement and no negative energy coming up but there is a dissatisfaction remaining, so then this dissatisfaction is where I must move from.

The dissatisfaction is like understanding that what I am accepting from myself is not my utmost potential whatsoever and that I can change those habits and patterns from myself. And what I have also noticed is that without the judgement I am looking deeper, looking into the thoughts and experiences that I am accepting from myself that I am dissatisfied about. With sleeping in I am looking at the experience of myself within sleeping and looking at the thought and experience that I allow when waking up in which I accept myself to just go back to bed and sleep for longer. Like this morning I saw the thought of it just being a decision to get out of bed and wake up or make the decision to stay within bed lol, unfortunately I did make the same decision but there was no judgement when I woke up later, I saw it come up, I breathed, I stabilized myself, brought myself here and relaxed with myself getting up and facing the people how have already been up for so long in which I would usually compare and judge myself within.

So now what I am looking at here is a point of change without judgement in the things that I am dissatisfied with. What I see within the decision is to make that push within myself to move past the same decisions that have manifested and created the habits that I am dissatisfied with. I mean it doesn't need to come from an angered point or come from a negative energy, it can simply come from that point of deciding for myself that this is what I want for myself, I mean I guess that is what it has always been but I have approached it different or approached it within an ill way that manifests an ill relationship with myself = one of self judgement and not of acceptance or embracing myself within the things that I am dissatisfied about and making a change in my decisive patterns.

What I have seen from looking at the point of sleeping in today and the thoughts and experience that I allow within myself in order to continue sleeping or go back into bed is that the decision isn't going to come naturally, meaning what has been natural is for me to continue accepting the same patterns and thoughts that I have allowed up until this moment and it is going to take a push from myself to just say no within that moment, breathe and direct myself into the `unknown`.

I have noted that when I do not judge myself the expression of myself remains quite constant as well which is nice because there are not so many swings from myself since I have been working on the point of judgement, and I feel lighter within the body which is pleasant.

What I am looking at here is one point of self judgement there is still the points of ego which I need to remove, defining myself by the ideas and beliefs of myself and who I should be or what I should be, I mean the one point here that I am looking at is the negative experience that comes from the judgement but there are also deeper dimensions to the judgement, meaning the judgement comes from how I want to see myself or how I have been accepting myself to portray myself to myself via thoughts and ideas about myself rather than simply taking a look at myself in self honesty within the physical and within the mind which will take an unbiased look at myself within the mind - looking at myself unconditionally and not looking for a specific idea or image of myself which I will start to open up more in the following blogs.

So stopping the judgements is quite easy, breathe, stabilize yourself and let go of any negativity, any want to beat up on yourself and just bring yourself back here and remind yourself that you're still here, there is no wasted time or anything like that, just bring yourself back here, not looking in the past of what you have accepted, not looking at what you have accepted from yourself from a starting point of negativity or judgement or regret, but bring yourself back here and move yourself here within what is here, because what we've done within the past is no longer here, start anew and recommit yourself to being here and giving yourself the best of yourself with yourself here lol - sounds fairly simple and it is a shame that it has taken me a while to get here but it is a process.

So in the next blogs I will be working on going deeper into the judgement and ego process of myself as well as more self forgiveness on it

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Day 561 - Self Defining Ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat about my ego, backchat about ego, wherein I allow myself to think and backchat about justifying my actions or excusing my actions and making myself feel and believe that I am right when/as I particularly feel attacked or `punished`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to justify myself when feeling attacked or taking something personally, and in this shut myself off from the world and shut myself off from myself in looking inwards and questioning myself to see what is best for all and best for myself within my movement or actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself how I would like to be and place that as ego, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how it is possible that I am able to live these points that I imagine of myself of being confident, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself into the imagination and into the mind by allowing myself to think about what is possible from myself as a being but only accept that as being thoughts rather than a lived point of expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about myself within the imagination where I think about who or how I could be within given specific scenarios and in this do not express those points within the physical reality out of fears and out of self judgements, but then from not expressing about it and allowing it to exist within the mind in thoughts and backchat, and go into self judgements as I look `back` into how I could have been and question why I am not like that from a starting point of judgement and comparison rather than an understanding of who I am within the moments that I have not expressed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other person's words personally wherein as they say something that challenges my self definition and I allow myself to judge myself for what they say or feel judged but really feeling judged is only resonating with my own self judgements, and in this backchat and attempt to defend myself through backchat, rather than taking a look at the judgements that I am projecting and forgive myself for them, take a look at where in my reality I am accepting those judgements and also apply forgiveness, and in this as well apply self honesty within the words that the other person spoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I judge myself for a point within my reality, bring myself immediately into self suppression, suppressing my self expression out of the judgement and the immediate definition of myself as being less than allowing myself to go into a state where I am not here within myself, I am allowing myself to be within the mind in thoughts about trying to justify my actions or justify my self in some way to make myself still `seem` within the light that I want to see myself within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of self judgement for longer than needed via not applying self forgiveness within the moment it comes up, and not introspecting into the judgement itself, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and wait that it will disappear and my self expression will come back. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self expression by judging myself and not allowing myself to be here with myself in comfortability and relaxation within my expression of myself here in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the judgement that I have within the mind, define my expression by the judgement within the mind and in this definition suppress myself from expressing myself as if I need to be punished for the judgement that I have of myself, rather than understanding the judgement, seeing the judgement for what it is, seeing it and then letting it go within one moment, not allowing myself to hold onto it - thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the judgement that I have of myself for a day or two and allow myself to suppress myself for a day or two which I in fact do not enjoy, so in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself to move through any and all judgements that I have of myself within a single moment, breathe, let it go, forgive, and bring myself back here within self expression

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Day 560 - Self Judgement and Sensitive Ego

As I have been walking the point of self judgement and have been investigating it I see that I certainly have created a sensitive ego, and this is what I have been looking at as of late. Within self judgement I have wanted to create this idea of being perfect or of being superior to myself in some way or superior to my fellow man in some way, and when a point comes along within my life in which I have not wanted to see out of a fear of defining myself by/as or within that point or having accepted that point within myself, the judgement then comes up within that moment of seeing that which I have not wanted to see, then my ego goes to shit, like I will then define myself as being less than for having seen this point within myself. So obviously there is also a large issue with self acceptance, meaning accepting what is here within me, accepting who I am within this moment and what I have created myself as previously and in that acceptance, embrace it and see what I would like to change within the point - what I am not satisfied with, then in this, instead of being hard on myself within self judgement of the point, to simply decide within myself to change it from looking at it and understanding it and not allowing myself to separate myself from myself by either taking the point personally = meaning to define myself by it in absolution, or to separate myself from myself by allowing myself to judge myself within it for not being the idea or image that I have previously created of myself.

What I have been looking at as well within the past days is this tendency to constantly exist within this state of backchat in which I try and justify my ego, justify myself when/as I may make a fuck up to make it seem like I have had no responsibility within the fuck up or that some how I am excused about my behaviour - then within this I continue trying to keep up that image of myself which then repeats itself and I walk that whole process again of judgement, trying to define myself as what/how I want to see myself as without actually taking a self honest look within myself, and then seeing a point that doesn't fit that image, beating up on myself for not being that image and then again suppressing myself within seeing that judgement then again repeating the same process because I have not actually taken a look into myself as to why it is that I have accepted that pattern or system within myself and understood it - only judged it and tried to remove it as fast as possible out of the point of control of from ego = how I see myself.

So man, this point is actually quite a big point within myself because I do find myself going into that mental state within myself of backchatting and placing myself within certain scenarios thinking about how or who I would be and then attaching a specific energy onto that imagination and then attempting to convince myself that I am partially that image that I am seeing/creating within the imagination. Obviously this indicates quite a sensitive ego, and also indicates that I am still living for that image of myself, and I have been looking at this living of the image of myself recently and I mean I have been really questioning myself of whether or not I am living to change the IMAGE, of how I see myself, or really living to change the being of myself and I have to answer that with the former as of late because I have been living to only change the image of how I see myself and how others see myself.

With self judgement comes the ego issues I mean they are really intertwined, same with insecurity, same with shyness, like a lot of it comes from the ego and the self definition - and since I have had large negative self judgement issues over the years this means that I have always saw myself within this negative light - so it is understandable that I would aim to reverse that and attempt to see myself as positive in some form or manner, but the solution here starts with the negativity because the negativity is that which is the `core` of the issue because only from the negativity do I then reverberate into attempting to make myself see myself as positive and then repeat the process of trying to see myself as positive - seeing something as negative - judging myself - suppressing myself - then not looking or actually changing the program or system in actual lived application, but only aim to change the image of how I see myself by attempting to stop that point absolutely without realizing I need to look into the past and look deeper than the surface to actually change the point within myself.

Here I have quite a bit of information to work with, and I will probably be walking the next couple of blogs of just SF on the points because I see that I can really expand this point and bring myself to real self honesty and work on the point of not judging myself but taking a deeper look into the programs and systems that I exist within and move myself into lived change and not only changing how I see myself or perceive myself to be.

Thanks for reading