Monday, May 28, 2012

Day 45 - Fear of Sharing Myself in Self-Honesty




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when someone asks me a personal question in which I have not fully developed an understanding within myself of myself within the question and in this reacting of fear speak words that I do not stand by and that are words that I have not directed myself within/as but are from the ego, allowing myself to in these moments fuel the ego when/as I react in fear in attempts to stop the fear through spurting bullshit that I am not in direction of/as in order to make a positive feeling out of the negative feeling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak out of ego when and as reacting in fear when being asked a question that I do not know within/as myself in fact, saying words that I do not stand by as a living principle of/as myself, allowing the pre-programming to take over in the moment within reacting in fear, instead of breathing through the reaction, looking at myself within/as the question and of my understand of the question and speak who I am within/as the question in self-honesty which fear is not a part of, sharing myself with what I can share of myself, and if I do not know the answer I say I do not know, not allowing myself to speak words that are from the pre-programmed nature of myself through taking a step back from the reactions within myself when/as the question is asked and actually looking into myself as the question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a question being asked about myself in which I do not know the answer to in this allowing myself to make up something on the spot to define myself as and attempt to pass off as truth to the other, when in fact the only person I am lying to is myself, creating a false reality of/as who I have come to believe myself to be through allowing myself to speak out of the reaction of fear when a person asks me a personal question that I have not developed myself within/as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT in the moment of being asked a personal question stop the reaction of/as fear of who I believe myself to be in that moment in/of/as the ego and stop trying to place a definition onto myself in that moment of who I am within the personal question and breathe, slowing myself down and looking at the question in self-honesty, taking as much time as I need to develop myself in the question of who I am in fact as the question and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to answer within/as personality of/as who I am within/as the question believing that personality is who I am, not realizing that personality is a construct of/as how I have created myself in this world in order to survive in the image and likeness of/as my parents. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define personal questions within/as personality, and not who I am as person, as life, in this responding as life as who I am, not allowing myself to respond in as ego and/or personality to answer a `personal` question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when being asked a question in which I have not looked into myself and already developed an answer, in this fearing who I am within/as the question and out of this fear making up shit as I go along in/as the response to the question in hopes that my bullshit will not be caught out, that it will stand, not realizing that I am only fucking over myself in fact through/as creating more beliefs of/as who I am within answering a question out of ego, spurting bullshit in which I believe myself to then be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist saying `I don't know` as a response to a question, saying that I do not understand myself fully in the question, or understand the point fully as myself in the question, but instead allowing myself to speak words that are not who I am within/as the question but myself made up, which is ego and personality in its entirety  - made up - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in self-honesty speak of/as/how/who I am as the question being asked of me sharing myself in who I am within the moment and in this sharing of who I am stopping the fear of being poked and prodded further of who I am further within the question, having to develop a further sense of self and definition of/as that which I am in specificity, like saying that I am `fine` when someone asks me how I am, but allowing myself to expand within words of who I am within `how am I`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear further understanding myself in self-honesty finding the specific, detailed words in/as how to correctly explain or express myself in the moment instead of speaking one word answer of/as/how/who I am within the moment, in this developing more of an understanding of myself in/as how I have created myself in fact through being self-honest and developing the self-honesty in specificity so that I am able to understand myself in specificity and detail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist further understanding myself in self-honesty shown through my reaction of/as fear of being asked a personal question and a fear of looking into myself and finding the words to accurately describe who I am within/as the question, accurately explain my relationship to/as the question in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal to the question that I am being asked about myself and in this standing equal see all of me in/as the question and in this seeing me accurately explain myself in/as the question in developing my vocabulary so that I am able to express myself in/as understanding of myself as the question in equality

Art Work done by Andrew Gable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in fear, infearior, to myself in looking deeper into myself, not allowing myself to stand in equality and oneness to/with myself in/as how I have developed myself, in this standing in equality and oneness, see all of me and how I have developed myself in this life time , so that when I am asked a personal question, I am standing equal to the answer as I am the answer in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to standing in fear of seeing who I have become in fact, and in this fear speaking words that are not me in fact but are of ego, using these words in a positively charged manner so that I can make myself believe I am positive, which is only allowing myself to cover myself up with another veil, hindering me from seeing myself in self-honesty in fact, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not go through myself layer by layer, exposing all the bullshit to myself in self-honesty of/as/how/who I have become as personality and ego, in this debunking myself entirely so that I am able to stand in equality and oneness to myself in fact, starting the relationship with all other beings in this world in equality and oneness through starting with myself in standing in equality and oneness, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in fear of myself and thus all others in this world, allowing myself to resort to tactics that are manipulative, deceitful, abusive so that I can survive through the fear of this world, through the fear of myself, allowing myself to destroy myself as life in all facets of myself as life through reacting to the fear in attempts to avoid it, and not standing in equality with myself as all facets of myself as life in fact, and in this standing in understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I must stand in equality with myself first and in this standing in equality with myself I am able to stand in equality with all others as all others are myself in fact, stopping the separation of myself as life in equality and oneness as who I am in fact, stopping the fear from/as the separation of myself and in this standing in equality and oneness to the world birth equality and oneness here through myself in standing in this world within standing in equality and oneness with myself in each moment of breath, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to be the directive principle of me in/as my interaction in this world in which I allow myself to blind myself from seeing who I am in fact, and in this fear - react within all attempts to avoid facing myself at all costs which allows to abuse, neglect, and an extensive amount of harm that is absolutely unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing in equality and oneness of myself because that means that I am in fact responsible for myself in every way and all ways and thus I am responsible for all life in equality and oneness as the principled reality that is in fact existent, in this fearing standing equal and one to all life as myself as life in which I am allowing myself to fear changing who I am into/as equality and oneness and stopping myself from as separation and fear that I am currently living as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in not understanding who I am when being asked a personal question, when being asked to describe my experience, instead of standing equal and one to myself in/as the experience of myself and speaking about the experience I had, in this not defining myself as experience but as life, as being here with myself in each event/moment in equality and oneness to myself as life and all life.

I commit myself to stop fearing seeing myself in self-honesty in/as who/how I actually am through utilizing the tools of self-forgiveness, writing, self-correction, and to not allow myself to go into fear as who I really am so that I am able to truly forgive myself for what I have truly become and have been living as, in this I commit myself to standing equal and one to myself as life in all moments of myself here and in this standing equal and one, stopping the abuse of life as myself as life, and in this standing equal and one to all life

I commit myself to looking into myself when and as I am asked a personal question in which I have to see who I am and reacting in fear, stopping the reaction of fear and standing equal and one to myself as the answer to the question and as the question itself, looking in self-honesty as much as I can and in this as well pushing myself in self-honesty, and speaking in self-honesty in clear descriptive words, and as much specificity as I can muster to share who I am within the answer.

I commit myself to standing equal and one to myself first and foremost, equalizing myself to all parts of me and stopping the reaction of/as fear of myself wherein I have separated myself from myself, as well as using fear as a indicator of/as how/where I have separated myself from myself, so that I stand equal to all parts of/as myself and stand equal to/as all life as me as all.

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