Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Day 46 - Who I am within family





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of who I am around family, but to only be aware that I notice that I am not the same around family as I am around friends, co-workers, alone with myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equalize myself in who I am within all facets and aspects of reality and life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the family game where I mimic the others in/as their actions to push buttons further within each other so that I can finally get a reaction out of someone and start a family conflict so that I can have a chance at winning in proving myself to be the superior version of the DNA and be `respected` within the family for this `quality` of mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop fighting with my family of who is better than the other and come to an agreement to do what is best for each other, in this first coming to an agreement with myself to do what is best for me and live that as an example for the family to follow and then come to an agreement of living what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here with myself in breath while communicating with family and friends, being aware of my breath, being aware of the words that I speak, slowing myself down so that I can control myself instead of reacting the same way that I have always reacted - which leads to conflict and a winning losing scenario played out in my mind - and stop the pre-programmed response and accepted nature of how the social structure within the family operates, taking myself out of the social structure in which I was raised and living within the structure that I create for myself within equality and oneness doing what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that I must start where I was structured within the family construct, and in this do not poke or prod within pushing points within other people in the family but stick to myself and focus on myself living the example of what is best for all, in this supporting myself in every moment through being aware of how I am interacting with the family, what words I am speaking with the family, when/as I am pushing buttons to purposely get a reaction, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not clear myself from the family dynamics of competition and war within the family, living what is best for all unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the game within the family to compete for attention and love, to compete for worth from the parents, valuing myself as how my parents see me, valuing myself in competition with my siblings of who can be the lesser of a fuckup, in this believing that the family is a supportive environment when evidence and consequence of/as the world system and rotten humans show that it is certainly not a supportive environment as we all grow up in the family construct (watch The Trap For more context)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear separating myself from the family construct due to fear of literally standing on my own free from any support whatsoever and move about this reality in equality and oneness in which I do not compete with others as I was taught to through the family construct, I only focus and rely on myself in/as who I am within it all, supporting myself to do what is best for me as life and in this living what is best for me in equality and oneness with myself and supporting what is best for all within equality and oneness in the world system as I am in fact living that relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my family for support for who and what I have become and turn to them for support when/as my ego has been broken down so that I can come in for repairs for the ego so that I can be again sent out into the world system to again fight for family rights, so that I can make a name for myself and the family, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a child so that they will carry on the name of my fore-fathers, carrying on the sins with them, so that possibly one day the name of myself will be of worth someday within the competition within the world system, so I can say I have finally won within competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such abuse to continue unhindered through the excuse of it is human nature and `just the way it is`, ignoring the evidence that this system has programmed the human this way, that the human has become a program and is in fact programmable and that the human is not life in fact but only a set of systems operating on a constant basis in order to continue within/as the world system, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take on the family system first and foremost, taking on the abuse where it was started, where it was created and clearing myself of that point so that I am able to stand in clarity of abuse and how it is constructed and support others within what is best for all through first clearing myself of the abuse that was constructed due to the family system, and standing within/as myself for/as what is best for all in each breath I take

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a male compete with my father over who is the stronger being, competing for the ownership of the family, competing for the right to the name, instead of stopping the competition in one breath and stop the fight allowing myself to let go of the constant battle within the family and support myself within what is best for all, giving myself the courage to live alone as all one through separating myself from the abuse within the family construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand alone free from the family construct, and in this standing alone stand for what is best for all in equality and oneness through living the practical physical actions of equality and oneness, checking myself within each reaction, within each thought of what I am in fact accepting and allowing within myself and forgiving myself for accepting and allowing the specific construct to exist within me that is not in support of equality and oneness, forgiving the construct that was set in place through my up bringing, in this forgiving myself for accepting the family construct within me and separating myself from it as it is clear and shown that it is not in fact what is best for all life through the evidence of how this world in fact operates right now.

I commit myself to being aware of myself and controlling myself in the family construct to support what is best for all, stopping the war within the family to see who is better than the other, and in this control myself to stop the pre-programmed accepted and allowed actions within the family directing myself first within what is best for me as life and then live it into infinity being an example of what is best for life.

I commit myself to slowing myself down when speaking with family members and stopping all reactions when/as the arise, forgiving them, and directing myself within speaking of what must be said within the moment and what must be done within the moment, leaving it at that, speaking what is necessary within each breath within direction of what is best for all

I commit myself to focusing on myself within the family and only myself in/as what/who/how I am living within the family so that I am able to first remove the family construct from myself and correct myself into living what is best for all starting with myself within the family construct, correcting my living habits within the family construct.

I commit myself to show how fucked up the family construct is through using the example of/as how the world has been developed and how each person in this world first started out in each owns family where they learned how to operate in this world through/as the programming that parents set in on the child.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself speaking and acting without my own direction while around family members to stop, breathe and in that breath re-direct myself in awareness of myself, in awareness of what I speak, not allowing myself to continue with the same program that I have been living since I have been taught it while in the family construct.

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