Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Day 47 - Self Supression in Wanting A Relationship


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the audacity to continue to search for a relationship when I will be compromising myself in/as the responsibilities that I must do, as writing, reading, testing my blood sugar, recording the readings, working on English homework, when and as I allow the thoughts of having a girlfriend/relationship  to constantly run in the mind and  participate with the thoughts within the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become shit scared of letting go of the thoughts of what a relationship might be like, who I would be within the relationship, what would happen within/as a relationship and face myself here in/as who and what I am living within and as and make sure that I fucking get myself to life, make sure that I am standing in commitment of myself to life and committing myself to myself as life in taking care of myself within having diabetes, in being aware of myself here in/as what I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to participate in within/as thoughts and within/as my physical interaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a fuck more about finding a relationship than myself here as life, not realizing or considering the fact that all I truly have is myself, that being in a relationship I still only have myself at the end of it all, and at the end of it all in/as death I still only have myself and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus solely on myself in/as what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and in that correcting myself in every moment into/as that which supports what is best for all life into infinity, doing my part on this Earth to stop abuse, and making sure that I am clear from all abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into a depressive state and in this depressive state look for the positivity within having someone who knows me and I am able to speak to and shed my shit onto, and in this depression allowing myself to look for a relationship or something that I have defined as positive instead of dealing with myself as who I am and clearing me of/as who I am so that I stand stable in who I am in every moment in living in equality and oneness within what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about myself in managing myself as life through allowing myself to search outside of myself for a solution to myself not living me in fact, not facing me in fact, not taking responsibility for myself and dealing with myself in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then place the responsibility for myself onto another person within/as looking for a relationship to calm the depression that I have been creating, allowing myself to abuse the other and place an unfair position onto the other, allowing myself to become frustrated and angry at the other because of my own emotions that I am going through. In this I commit myself to letting go all attempts and wants to have a relationship in order to create a positivity within myself and focus on the negativity that I have been accepting myself to live within/as and sort that out primarily, sorting out all of the depressive issues that I have been continuously accepting and allowing myself throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to ignore depression continuously through attempting to find a relationship in which I can make myself be happy for a bit, only allowing myself to time loop in not facing the depression of/as who I am within my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for allowing myself to become depressed and face myself in the depression, finding the trigger points to the depression, forgiving myself for allowing the trigger points to exist and stop allowing myself to live in depression and live here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I have been doing in/as searching for a relationship as positivity is absolutely abusive as I am placing the responsibility for/as my own self-enjoyment, my own happiness onto/as another person allowing myself to place blame onto/as the other person for my own emotions and feelings in  this not realizing that I would become an abusive partner if and as I were to continue to allow myself to search for a relationship and not take responsibility for myself in/as my emotions and feelings. In this I realize that if I continue to accept and allow this I will become an abusive person and that within accepting and allowing this I am an abusive person, in this I commit myself to dealing with my own shit before I even consider to notion of/as a relationship/agreement, making sure that I am in fact stable in every moment and taking responsibility for/as my own emotions and feelings, bringing them back to me in all ways always



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my past relationships through not allowing myself to take responsibility for my emotions and feelings within/as the relationships, purposely causing conflict within the relationships because of my own emotions and feelings in the search for the positivity at the end of all the negativity as make up sex in which I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to as shown through my acceptance and allowance of/as the depressive state I've allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want someone to save me from myself, from my own creation of depression and allowing myself to exist within so that I can place responsibility for myself onto another person instead of taking the point back to myself and investigating it for myself in myself as myself, forgiving myself for allowing the depression to possess me, in this first facing the depression as myself and take responsibility for creating it.  In this I commit myself to facing the depression and walking myself out of it through stopping the search for happiness and allow myself to walk through the depression through becoming the solution to depression of/as myself, stopping the avoidance and ignorance of it.

When and as I see myself looking for a feeling of happiness within an energy balance of and as searching for a relationship I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back to myself and look at the emotions/thoughts/feelings that I am going through, walk into them and walk out of them, moving through them in equality and oneness. In this I commit myself to stopping the search for and as a relationship and establish an effective relationship with myself in stopping myself from allowing myself to become depressed through walking myself out of the depressed relationship that I have created with myself.

I commit myself to bringing back all emotions and feelings to myself and walking through them as me, standing equal and one to/as the emotions/feelings/thoughts and walking through them within equality and oneness changing them into what is best for all

I commit myself to walking myself out of the depression that I have created within myself through moving myself within the physical reality in continuing to do what I have to do when the depression `hits` in this I commit myself to not allow the depression to control and move myself and that I stand as the directive principle of/as myself in all moments, in this walking myself out of the depression. In this I realize that this is only the start of what I will be facing within/as the depression as I have only now started to take on the depression, in this I commit myself to sticking to breath

I commit myself to taking my breath back to me, stopping myself from abdicating my self-direction to thoughts relating to the want/desire for sex and a relationship within having company so that I can avoid being here with myself and in this to use the time that I have to be here with myself, developing an agreement with myself first and foremost so that I stand stable in every moment of/as who I am

1 comment:

  1. thanks for sharing, cool self-support! „When and as I see myself looking for a feeling of happiness within an energy balance of and as searching for a relationship I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back to myself and look at the emotions/thoughts/feelings that I am going through, walk into them and walk out of them, moving through them in equality and oneness. In this I commit myself to stopping the search for and as a relationship and establish an effective relationship with myself in stopping myself from allowing myself to become depressed through walking myself out of the depressed relationship that I have created with myself.“

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