Day 54 - Spare My Time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at schooling if it is a massive task ahead of me in which I am totally unprepared for allowing myself to fear placing myself back in school and get an education to further my placement within the system in this fearing letting go of the spare time that I have wherein I allow myself to exist in self-interest, using the spare time to entertain myself wherein I accept the system within which we currently live as the way it is because I have my energy fix, I have my happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dedicating myself to life through placing all of my effort within getting myself an education in order to place myself further within the system wherein I am able to better support the equal money system through the tool of money, in this letting go of all of my self-interest because the educational route that I must take will take up all of my time, wherein I fear and resist letting go of the `spare` time that I have to `fuck off` and exist within self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spare time to satisfy my addiction to energy wherein I spend 5 days out of 7 working within a job in order to support the system, and through that 5 out of 7 gather up enough money so that I can spend it on my own life, only regarding my own happiness when spending money, not considering where in fact the product that I am buying was made, who made it, what materials were extracted from the Earth to make it, how long it will last, nor anything that is of any real value, but only consider my own wants/needs/desires when/as I am spending money within the spare time that I have when/as I am not at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that through me using my `spare time` to involve myself within my own little world of existence within the thoughts, entertainment, issues/worries/fears, beliefs, ideas, that I have and create within the mind I am in fact accepting this system the way it functions, that I am in fact accepting abuse, accepting the slaughter of life while I laugh in the comfort of the mind with the continuous chatter that I use to disregard what is in fact happening in this world, even though I am aware of what is happening in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use `spare time` to do the things that I want to do, wherein I only consider myself in this life, that I only consider my own existence when throughout time we as humanity have collectively ignored our actions in this world to the extent where we no longer have `spare time` to continue our actions in this world, that we are in fact on the brink of our own existential suicide and we are still using our spare time that we have within the system to continue to exist within self-interest, within ignorance of the reality that we live within, and to only consider ourselves in our own insignificant realities within the mind while the world falls apart beneath our feet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap within this world and system of having my desires laid out before me and indulge in them because they are there and because I have money all the while people die daily of starvation, animals are being slaughtered by the millions for profit and greed and not out of necessity, vegetation is being wiped out because of greed and profit, instead of taking myself in this lifetime and committing myself to stopping the desires existent within me, using this world and system as a tool to see if I have in fact transcended the desires, and to commit myself to developing a better world through standing as a group with all of humanity in support of a life worth living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the `spare` time that I have within this system to only consider my own wants/needs/desires, wherein I go out within this capitalistic system with money in hand and get ready to buy my desires which last for but a few moments while I suck as much energy out of the physical that I can, then have the desire fade as well as the materialistic value in that which I have bought, until a new desire comes along, ignoring and purposely evading the fact that this Earth is a living hell for all life on this planet and that We as humanity as a collective are completely responsible for creating this Life as a living hell, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the `spare time` that I have when not working to investigate a solution to this mess that we are all equally responsible for creating, within/as an equal money system, and dedicate my time and life to life itself whereas now it is dedicated and lived through/within desire which is not life itself it is a system of energy within separation from self as life here within every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go out on weekends where I allow myself to drink excessive amounts with attempts to have as much sex as possible wherein I attempt to fuel and fill my desires as much as possible, only living this life for me within the mind, within energy, not realizing nor considering that we as humanity are equally living on this planet but not living in equality, and this is a crime against life and while I allow myself to participate in self-interest within the time I have on this Earth, with the opportunity to do something while I am here, I am committing a crime against life as I accept murder, rape, starvation, animal slaughter, deforestation, war, poverty, and all of the inhumane acts that humanity creates to perpetually exist while I look out for my own desires. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my `spare time` that I have within this system only focusing on my wants needs and desires ignoring myself as life in fact, and only existing as energy not realizing seeing or understanding that it is in fact the usage and desire for energy that has allowed the physical to diminish and deplete the way it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my `spare time` as the weekends use the tool as money that is here in order to fuel and fulfill the desires that exist within the mind that revolve around energy that is the cause of the depletion of/as life on this Earth through/as the want/need/desire for energy/ in this attempting and hoping for my ultimate desires to be filled while people on this Earth starve and suffer through a life that I myself would not want to live, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the tool that is money to support a better life for all life on this Earth through supporting the equal money system, with my votes and with my time, giving up this one life in order to make this world the best life for all life here, giving up my desires for this life so that all life here may live a dignified life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my desires because that is all that I have come to define myself as and live for and value and within even thinking about giving up my desires I react in fear because I would then see no value in life, missing the point that life itself is the value that the quality of life that is being lived on this Earth is the real value, missing the fact that I am life itself, and that I as life should want the best life for myself throughout the globe, but I have lost myself within/as desires and valuing desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not go to the limit of my desires wherein I become an absolute mess and an atrocious piece of life to show myself exactly what desires are so that I may be able to face myself within seeing what I have in fact placed value upon and within, in this seeing what is real value as life as the atrocity that I have done to myself as life through searching for my highest desire, and in that change my value of myself from searching for desires into life and in this standing in support of a life that is best for all life in which desteni and equal money are the only viable movements that are in support of what is best for all life as all other movements show no capability or consideration of what we are in fact living within in the current state of existence, and most still allow the capitalistic system to run free

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support this atrocious system where thousands die DAILY due to starvation where a child dies every 5 seconds where men think about sex every 7 seconds causing possessions leading to rape,  where life is abused daily and shows no sign of stopping until we as humans have destroyed all life on this planet, through my blatant actions of following my desires when I know fucking well that children are dying of starvation, when I know full well that we as humanity has done innumerable destruction to this Earth in the name of desire and energy, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the situation on this Earth to be a clear fucking wake up call to show that what we have done and have been existing as has clearly not worked out for the benefit of all life here and commit myself to change myself so that I live as an example of how a human is able to change into living what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that energy is so addictive to not push myself to stop the addiction to energy as that is all that it is = an addiction and all addictions can be broken and removed, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in many times give into the addiction to energy while I know what I am doing in fact is not what is best for all.

I commit myself to pushing myself through all resistances to stopping the addiction to energy and in this live myself as life in support of what is best for all life through giving life to this world through/as the support of life through supporting a system within/as myself and without that supports all life equally.

I commit myself to walking myself through the addiction to energy through stopping myself and breathing, and writing myself out within the addiction to energy, slowing myself down so that I can clearly see what/how/why I am accepting myself to participate in energy when and as I see myself falling into the pattern of desires and energy.

I commit myself to learning exactly how I function within/as energy so that I stand equal and one to myself within energy so that I can stop myself when/as I look for energy and support myself in removing myself from energy through self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective actions that are in support of equality and oneness as how this earth and physical reality in fact functions and in support of what is best for all life so that all life here in equality and oneness prospers

I commit myself to brinign myself back here in humbleness when  have spare time so that I can again look at the situation of the world as a reminder of what is in fact going on in this world as life and humble myself within bringing myself to act in practicality in support of something that is more than my individual separate life as something that is me as life as the whole of life.