Day 59 - Who I am At Work

The Past few days I have had to really relax and again find myself in breath when coming home from work. I lose myself in thought quite often when I am working which leads to a experience of despair while working. I then come home and am still within the energy of all that thinking and it takes me an hour or so before I am able to calm myself down and find out exactly what I was going on about, let it go and return myself to breath. This I do not enjoy as each day I have to do this routine, instead of being in breath while at work and remaining aware while at work. 

At work there is an incentive program where we are able to get more money for working harder, for example I was able to take home an extra 100 last week which is a fourth of my paycheck, so in this greed `gets the best of me` because as I rush and work my ass off is when I go into that energy and lose myself within it as I in fact rush out of fear within the future projection of not having enough money and using the incentive program to `calm` that fear which is only a lie wherein I do it out of greed in self-honesty. There have been a few days where I have been able to come home and not necessarily need to relax because I am already here in breath, and that was because I remained in breath while at work and on the bike ride home, I remained in application of self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to possess myself with greed while working due to the possibility of making incentive off the work that I put in, in this allowing myself to move myself out of fear at a rapid pace in order to make that incentive allowing myself to not be here in breath as the directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to try and move myself within breath at a rapid pace so that I know then I am clear within the starting point of making incentive through pushing myself physically while at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself at work that I lose myself in thoughts and within the energy build up of lose meaning I do not stay stable within breath and I allow myself to run around in the mind within fear and within thoughts while I am in the fear, instead of allowing myself to clear my starting point of/as making incentive and allow myself to breath with the body and move the body as myself and learn how to direct the body within quick movement while in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the idea of more money and in this enjoyment push myself out of fear of having less money to work harder and push my physical and mental extensively so that I can make more money at the end of the week, which I then allow myself to compromise myself because I accept and allow myself to move rapidly in the mind creating and building up a significant amount of energy that I become overwhelmed with and that I must relax from the mind fuck that I placed myself within when I get home, so that I can bring myself back here in breath and again become the directive principle of myself here in breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush while I am at work, within the starting point of fearing not having enough money in the future, rushing to the point of exhaustion over work and to the point of mental exhaustion as well wherein I allow myself to think at a rapid pace which causes me to become exhausted after work and need an hour to calm myself down from the plethora of thoughts and bring myself back to direction within breath in each breath, instead of being the directive principle of myself at work within breath, directing each and every movement while being aware of my movements and in this directing myself within what is best for my while at work on whether or not to work harder or stay at a constant rate, having my starting point clear on whether or not to work harder, for example to work harder to reduce blood sugar, or work harder to keep warm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within greed while at work wherein I push and rush myself to get as much work done as possible so that I can make incentive so that I can `calm` the fear of not having money in the future, instead of doing what is practical in relation to making sure that I am stable enough to move throughout the rest of my day within/as the responsibilities that I must do when I get home

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe the solution of me applying myself in school and getting an education so I can further the education that I have so that I am able to move `easier` within the system in order to support people while I am at work, not allowing myself to only consider myself in work at that moment but who I am in relation to myself as life, but to only allow myself to breathe in that moment that I am at work and state this is my fight for survival and in this allowing myself to move into fear and rush throughout the day compromising myself for the rest of the day wherein I allow myself to not take responsibility for the school work that I must apply myself within, nor the proper care that I must take of myself as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that while working and rushing within work I am in fact existing within the fear of not having enough money later on in life, and that I in each moment I am rushing within fear I am generating energy that will cause a consequence later on, a consequence that I must move through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in self-awareness while I am at work taking myself back to me and looking at who I am within working clearly so that I can see exactly where I am abdicating my responsibility for myself as life through not being here breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself as life while at work through applying myself in breathing while at work, being aware of what I am participating in and staying stable within breath, being the directive principle while I am work, in this directive principle direct myself not only within work but who I am as life in it's entirety wherein I come home and I am stable and remain within the directive principle of myself wherein I do not need to `relax` to calm myself and bring myself back to breath, but I am continuously stable and able to direct myself immediate upon arriving at home because I am still within breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I rush I am only within energy and this energy consists of fear, thus rushing is not a point in which is best for me as life as I am not here within breath while I am rushing, but in a projected image within the mind of the future with me having no money, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stay here in breath while at work, stopping the rushing, in this learning to move the body within quick movements without energy if possible, and remain here in breath in each moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist staying within breath while at work because of the rush of energy within/as the fear, and within the belief that I will get a high percentage on the work that I have done and make more money that I would have without the rushing, instead of releasing myself from the greed and self-interest and fear of dying without money, remain stable here in breath and direct myself within what is best for me as life wherein I am able to continue to direct myself when I get home without the need to `relax` from the pressure that I have put onto myself through the fear while working.

I commit myself to apply myself in breath while at work, remaining the directive principle of what is best for me as life, and to stop the rushing out of fear of not having enough money, but to do what is practical for me as life in order to remain the directive principle of myself while at work

I commit myself to learn how to remain in self-awareness while at work so that I can learn and see clearly who I have become in relation to money and in this use self-honesty and self-forgiveness to make sure that I am clear within all points in relation to money, to stop the greed that has become a virus unto humanity.

I commit myself to when/as I start to rush within work because I only see this as my point of survival to stop, breathe and release myself from the energy in realizing that there is much more that I have to do when I get home and throughout the rest of life, and bring myself back to directing myself within breath doing what is best for me as life and in this continuing to direct myself on the ride home within breath and when I get home within breath

I commit myself to apply the realization that the work that I am doing does not need to be for the rest of my life if I remain focused in applying myself within school work and in order for me to do that I must stop the fear of not having money while working and remain focused in breath in all moments on the responsibilities I have set up for myself.