Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 60 - I Just Want to Give Up


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the thought that I want to give up walking myself in process because I do not see myself improving, in this placing improvement of myself outside of myself in/as a point that `I must get to` instead of taking myself within breath and improving myself through diligent application in each breath to investigate myself, to correct myself, to bearth myself here as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what `giving up` means, as I can not really give up on myself because I will always be with myself, there is no way that I can possible separate myself from myself in fact, as thoughts are only a temporary separation from myself, and that in death I will still have me and have to face me, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up facing myself as I only see a raging river of thought, beliefs, ideas, perceptions, judgments, inequalities, that I see as more than myself, not realizing that this raging river I have created and that it is me in fact, and that I must walk in patience with myself while I calm the river for it to be constant and consistent in every moment wherein it flows like breath, where I flow like breath in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my focus, and in this losing focus believe that I do not know how to direct myself, nor know what to do with myself, allowing a build up of the emotion of being overwhelmed to accumulate and only believe that it is too much wherein I start the want to give up, instead of taking myself breath by breath doing the best that I can do for myself as life in each moment, starting the relationship with me as life in equality and oneness, investigating myself in self-honesty, and changing myself into what is best for all, forgiving myself for accepting myself to become an abuser of life and stop, wherein the I end up standing with myself in equality and oneness in every breath in every moment and am able to direct myself infinitely within what is best for all life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the want to give up is only for me to continue to exist in self-interest because it is a resist to changing myself and standing equal and one with myself in breath in all breaths, it is a resistance to facing myself in who I have become, it is a resistance to giving up the addiction to energy to do what is best for all life, and that the want to give up in this is for me to continue the way that I have been living in ignorance so that I can ignore who I have become, in this not realizing that there is no giving up, only ignoring until I can no longer ignore anymore at the point of death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that no matter what I am inevitably going to have to face myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to become because it is me in fact, and that it is easier for me to face me here in the physical reality wherein I have physical manifested consequences to see what I have accepted and allowed, and that I am able to move physically to change myself within each and every breath, and that I only have to deal with this one life, where when I die I must deal with all life with all the symbols and manifestations that exist universally, and that doing that is infinitely harder than walking myself here in breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am atrocious for wanting to give up on myself as life, and that it is one of the worst things that I could consider, wherein it is not about good or bad, it is about what I accept and allow from myself and what I accept and allow in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the want to give up because of the fear of seeing all of the judgments/thoughts/beliefs/perceptions/ideals that I have created throughout time and believing that all these points in accumulation are more than me, not realizing that they are me in fact, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than the mind, as an inferior to the mind, instead of standing equal and one to the mind as myself and walk myself within the mind one point at a time until I am clear on that point and until I am standing in breath with/as that point seeing all of it as me and changing myself within it into equality and oneness and what is best for all life, and repeat this until I stand equal and one with all points with myself within the conscious, subconscious, and unconscious parts of the mind  and with the physical mind wherein I stand equal and one to all parts of me as existence and walk what is best for all in each breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the wanting to give up is giving up on life here and submitting to the mind entirely, in that moment defining myself as less than the mind and accepting that definition as myself, making the point in standing up more difficult because I have then accepted the definition of relationship between myself and the mind as being a superior and inferior complex, creating a mental barrier between seeing who I actually am as equality and oneness in relation to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the want to give up, allow the mind definitions in/as who I believe myself to be in relation to everything in this world within an inferior/superior complex wherein the giving up point is holding onto the inferior/superior complex instead of letting it go, standing equal and one to it as me and seeing who I am in fact in relation to all life here on this planet, to see who I really am in relation to everything in existence instead of believing who I am in relation to everything in existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an opposite polarity of ego inflation wherein I believe that I have gotten to a point of understanding within myself while walking process wherein it is only but a lie that I have created in/as who I am as in relation to the mind as it exists within the end of the polarity spectrum of the inferior/superior construct, instead of being humble in walking myself in equality and oneness within the mind, stopping the abuse of/as inferior superior complex even unto the mind which I have defined as evil, but it is only me that is evil because the mind is only but a tool for me to see me, and stand equal and one in walking what is best for all in all ways, standing in humbleness with myself and all life, stopping any ego manifestation as the ego always exists in inferiority and superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed with my existence within the mind, placing myself as ego within the want to move past the mind, allowing myself to feel/believe I am inferior when I am in fact not, as I am in fact equal and one to the mind not allowing myself to instead of remove myself within the ego of wanting to `win` over the mind and stand in equality and oneness with the mind and do what is best for myself within/as the mind and walk myself within the mind in humbleness in each moment, walking myself with patience within the river of thought within practicality within the physical to stop myself within the mind and change myself into walking what is best for all in each breath in equality and oneness

I commit myself to walking myself until I am here within each breath standing equal and one to all points of myself as I have created myself, walking myself in the mind in how I have accepted and allowed myself to be in relation to existence, walking that into equality and oneness, removing the mental barriers that stop me from seeing me in who I am in relation to existence

I commit myself to have patience while walking process as it will be a long process, taking 7-14 years, in this committing myself to doing what is best for me as life, committing myself to myself as life wherein it does not matter about time because this will be who I am into infinity within equality and oneness, walking what is best for all.

I realize that the fear of walking the time in only within the mind, and that the time that is needed to walk myself in only the time that it needed to walk myself in the mind and that at the `end` of the process I am not done, as there is no point to be done with as life, the only point to be done with is the illusion that I have created as myself in relation to existence through using the tool as the mind.

I commit myself to walking in humbleness with myself within the mind, wherein the standing in equality and oneness is humbleness, and in this I commit myself to letting go of myself as ego as who I believe myself to be in relation to all others, and see who I am in fact in relation to all others as life.

I commit myself to letting go of the feeling of being overwhelmed and walking what I can walk within each breath with myself here in the physical, walking myself within doing the best that I can do in each breath here in the physical, committing myself to stop separating myself from my neighbour ans stand in their position in equality and oneness, learning what is best for all life and living what is best for all life

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