Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Day 67 - Resistance in the Form of Sleep


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the tiredness that I feel when I sit down and start to work, specifically when I sit down in the afternoon to start work on school work, is never going to go away, and that I am going to have to write and do school work in the state of tiredness, to which I then start to resist because I quite dislike being tired and continuing to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have pushed past the tiredness before I have had to go to the ultimate resistance wherein I was falling asleep at the desk and that I had to continue to wake up myself up and continue to work and that after time I was did not feel sleepy anymore once I can to the absolute decision that I was going to work on the school work that I had to work on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the discomfort of being tired and continuing to have to work as an excuse for me to go to sleep, when in self-honesty I know that I am able to walk myself through the tiredness through steadfast application in continuing to write, in continuing to focus on the work that I have before me, and continuing to breathe in each moment that I write where I am committing myself to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I must commit myself to working on the school work that is here before me until I am done it, otherwise the tiredness will `get the best of me` meaning that if there is even a hint of a waver of dedication to work on school work in that moment that the tiredness as resistance will push it to that limit to wherein I then decide that I will go to sleep for a while which usually then ends up being quite a long time, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe the solution of me as working on the school work when I wake up from a quick nap, but to allow myself to fall back into that resistance immediately upon waking up and continue to sleep until I have slept for a few hours when I intended to sleep for only a half hour - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest about my intentions when/as sleeping and make sure that I am clear from any self-deception and/or self-sabotage within the starting point of resting, and in this check myself when I allow myself to rest if I am giving into resistance or deciding to actually sleep upon my own will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my decision that leads me to the outcome, meaning that when/as I decide to write I will write, and when I decide to resist I will resist and that in this I must make sure that when/as I have a resistance towards doing school work specifically or anything that involves a form of resistance that I make that decision out of my own will to do that which I am resisting and to push past the resistance - to not half ass my application within that which I resist and push myself completely when/as the resistance comes up to move through the resistance in breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame an experience of being tired for my lack of taking direction in my life in making the decision to do school work until it is complete, in this blame create a judgment around myself as well for `falling` into the point instead of breathing in the moment of resistance, realizing it is resistance and continue to breathe and write, as I have shown myself before with resistance that when I continue to write and write and write through the tiredness even if I am passing out while writing that the tiredness goes once I make and live the decision to write out the assignment or personal point completely and entirely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in creating the feeling of tiredness when I apply myself towards school work, as I have created this resistance due to the relationship I have created with school work through myself living within the past and that I have to move myself through it now for accepting it then, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, when looking at my past relationship with school work, there is absolutely going to be a resistance as that is what school was for me, where I allowed myself to skim by doing just enough to pass each course and that now as I apply myself to get a better grade, I am going to resist it because it is not part of my pre-programming and that I have never really applied myself diligently in school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing work because when I was in grade 4 I got a project back that was a significant project, that I did not work hard on at all, to which I got 50-60% on and felt ashamed and not worthy to do school work and ended up hiding the project and walking away from it in attempt to avoid believing that I was a failure, not realizing that I got that grade simply because I didn't put in that effort and from then on I never really put in effort on projects nor schooling itself as I have believed that I have been unworthy of education and the educational process from that day forth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that the resistance that comes up when I start to work on school work is due to a belief that I am a failure within the educational system and that I am not able to get a good grade in the schooling system due to this one experience when I was in grade 4 not realizing that when I apply myself and put in the time and effort to get a good grade it happens, as I have applied myself within getting a good grade instead of skimming by just enough to pass a course

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist working on school work in the form of sleep because I am pushing past my comfort zone of who I have defined myself in relation to school work and that as I walk the point of school work the definitions I have created of myself in relation to school work come up and I have to walk those definitions as well and not allow them to define me, and that sleep manifests because it is comfortable and where I am supposedly safe from facing myself and the accepted definitions I have created about myself, in this as I walk the definitions of myself in relation to school work I must be aware of myself of when where and how I will sabotage myself in the school work to hold onto the definitions - to continue to define myself as such, and to in these moments of sabotage breathe and correct the pattern in that moment to re-define myself within equality and oneness in relation to school work and schooling.

I commit myself to being self honest when this resistance comes up in regards to the decision to allow myself to sleep or not in this commit myself to walk through the resistance when I am only resisting doing the work

I commit myself to check my decision when I write and the resistance as sleep comes up, and in this check the starting point of doing school work and in any definitions of myself in relation to school work are coming up, in this correct myself in doing the school work through being aware of what I am actually writing and whether or not it is following the guidelines of the school work and in this decide fully to write out the work that I have to do until it is done wherein I then push past the resistance in all ways

I commit myself to walking myself in self-honesty through the resistance to school work in the form of sleep being aware of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as the resistance as sleep comes up within me and to in this self-honesty correct myself into equality and oneness in my relation to myself as school work

I commit myself to when and as I have a resistance as sleep when I am working on school work or any work to check my decision point within the starting point of whether or not I am fully committed to walking myself in the writing that is before me and in this forgive myself if I am not fully committed to the writing before me and then fully commit myself to getting the writing done in that moment wherein I then trust myself to move past the resistance as sleep and continue on writing working with my full effort and hereness in the work that I am applying myself in

I commit myself to walk myself into an agreement with myself where comfort is myself in every moment as breath as who I am as life and in this not needing an experience to define me as who I am in relation to comfort and acceptance of who I am, but to be accepting as who I am as life in every moment as breath in doing what is best for all as life, in this stopping the experience of comfort as it is a lived expression of who I am as life in breath.

No comments:

Post a Comment