Saturday, June 23, 2012

Day 71 - Jealousy of Others' Experiences


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of others when they tell me that they have had a fun time doing something because I relate it back to myself and the relationship I have created with myself as hell

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not experiencing the highs in life and that I will only exist within/as this one relationship that I have developed towards myself which is wrought with abuse, judgment, deceit, so when people tell me they did `this` and did `that` become jealous at their experience of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact the creator of the relationship with myself and that I have decided to live my life this way, and that I am absolutely responsible for the relationship I have with myself and the experience of myself in this world in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to exist in this relationship of harm and abuse with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to become jealous of others' experiences when they tell me about them because I immediately relate, compare, and judge my experience of myself in this life, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and in this compete with others in the game of life for the highest experience possible instead of being here with myself in breath and in this be comfortable with myself here as life as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life as a game of experiences and in this compete to have the best experience in life and as well delude myself when speaking to a person of how I experienced something through speaking bullshit about how positive it was or how great it was when really the experience of myself was nothing of the sort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that I have had a good time when communicating to others about something I did and in this lie to myself about my experience because of the belief that I have to be happy around others, because of the fear of being lonely, and in this fear - fear being `negative` around others about how I have really experienced myself in self-honesty and hold that back and suppress it, not allowing myself to face myself in who I actually am in relation to myself and the action in equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experience of myself within a positive and negative polarity, only limiting myself to 2 points of expression, not allowing myself to be here with myself in breath allowing myself to experience myself equal and one with the body, but not experience as a temporary feeling but experience of living in/with the body in the moment of the actions, living with the body in equality and oneness in the moment of actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize that I create the experience of myself on this planet and in the things that I participate in because of the relationship I have developed with myself and the relationship I have developed with that I participate in and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the experience believing that who I am is the experience when who I am is not the experience as it is not me infinitely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to experience aconstant high while moving throughout life and in this become jealous of others when the speak of high experiences in this lifetime, in this not realizing that one cannot have infinite high experiences because this world is based in suffering currently and that the high experiences are not real because they are not able to be cross referenced throughout existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the desire for experience in this reality is all but an illusion because it is not able to be cross referenced throughout this globe and this does for both polarities of positive and negative experiences, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not be here with myself in the physical within breath in all moments and allow myself here in breath to be the `experience` of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of myself as negativity as the relationship with myself in this world  and in this allow myself to become jealous when others tell me of the good time that they have had because of my desire to experience positivity and a good time all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand on how to enjoy myself on this planet and in this world where I am comfortable with myself in every moment, not searching or desiring anything, only being here with myself and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my relationship with myself out of desire instead of within equality and oneness with myself as life in breath in each moment, where I am here with myself in breath in each moment, here within the physical with the body, with the movements, with the breath in self-awareness of who I am and what I am accepting and allowing myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship with myself where I become jealous of others experiences because I experience something different, something that is not as `fun` as their experiences and in this want of the experience start to feel insecure and inferior because of the experience that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop creating this experience of negativity within myself and stop the relationship that I have developed with myself and stand equal and one with myself in breath, walking with myself and doing what is best for me as life, and in doing what is best for me as life trust myself to make the decision that is best for me as life and in this develop a different relationship with myself based on trust and physically applied care for myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to take each situation that I go through in which I have developed a point of negativity and change myself in that moment to do what is best for me as life in self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself in what I have truly experienced within an event, and in this lie to myself within making myself believe that I have had a good time, when in fact I truly did not look at myself in the moment as I have never really had a good time as I have noticed time and time again where there is a plethora of backchat when I am experiencing a good time about how I am only acting and faking this expression, to which I end up suppressing so that I can feed off the energy instead of being honest with myself, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply be here with myself in the physical but to be within the mind searching for and attempting to create a positive experience of myself here on this Earth and in this attempt to create a positive experience of myself on this earth to separate myself from myself here in breath through the attempt to create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suck myself dry of life and fatiguemyself due to the want to create myself as positive when this is not in fact so, wherein I then create a constant friction with myself  through the attempt to see myself as positive when I only am lying to myself about my experience of myself 

I commit myself to develop effective self-honesty and in this stop any judgments that arise within me due to a belief within/as morality and simply be honest with myself, and in this stop participating in a lie where I attempt to make myself seem more that what I am

I commit myself to stop being jealous of others experience because I want to experience what they experience and in this develop a relationship with myself where I am comfortable with myself in every moment with a trust of myself that I am doing what is best for myself as life and doing my best to make this life worth living for all life here in this existence.

I commit myself to focus on myself first and who I am in relation to myself and in this stop the want to experience myself and live with myself here in the body, not within energy or the desire to experience but simply here with myself in breath in this face who I have accepted myself to become and change it into support for myself as life in doing what is best for me as life

I commit myself to developing an effective trust with myself where I do what is best for me as life and in this dedicate myself to do what is best for life, so that I am able to live with myself in knowing that I decided to do something about this world while I am in it as it instead of only searching for my own experience of myself.

I commit myself to stop lying to myself about my experience of myself in this world and be self-honest with myself so that I am able to face who I have accepted and allowed myself to become in relation to this world and if it is not supportive of what is best for all life = to forgive myself and re-create myself in whatis best for all life.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing these self insights Paul! I can relate to the point, and also to the realizations, we really have to push ourselves to stop the constant comparison and the jealousy and the constant negativity, and as you say this is not done through going into the opposite polarity as 'positivity', but through practically taking responsibility for ourselves as life - taking life as ourselves in our hands! Thanks!

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