Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Day 109 - If it's too hard then `Fuck it`


I often go through this experience when I have low blood sugar. I feel completely fatigued when I go low so anything that is physical seems much more then what it is - I can go through this experience when writing or when sitting in a chair - I only want to do nothing, lie down and wait until the body has it's energy back, and sometimes to not even eat - I just want to vegetate within the feeling of fatigue. Everything seems hard when I am low, and I will quickly give up on a lot of things if I allow this experience to direct me. As well this experience can drag on through accepting the memory of going low to direct myself, where I repeat the fatigue and exhaustion I feel when I am low through repeating the memory over within the mind - causing the experience to be that much greater. This experience can sabotage me from applying myself here through the emotions of anger and frustration arising within me at the time of going low and where I will then give up on anything that I am doing within that moment because of the experience of it being too hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of any physical action or movement being too difficult for me to participate in because of the feeling of fatigue through going low accepting and allowing anger and frustration to accompany the fatigue because in the moment of feeling fatigue it becomes difficult to continue to move the body and I quickly go into the want to just say `fuck this I am not doing this, fuck you, fuck it, I'm not doing it` because I still have to be here within the physical and it has become much more difficult for me to be here within the physical due to the fatigue I feel because of having low blood sugar - in this I realize that the fatigue is real but the experience of anger and frustration and the `fucks` are all created/made up in relation to the fatigue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated at the fact that I have to deal with a limitation of hypoglycemia, a limitation that causes me to be fatigued in a reality where physical work is necessary as all things are physical, and in this frustration at the limitation of becoming hypoglycemic go into an experience of wanting to give up and saying fuck it to anything that requires me to move due to having to move myself within/as the fatigue, causing myself to not participate fully within the physical with myself in equality and oneness but to participate within the experience of anger and frustration making the experience of myself one of discontent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate the experience of anger and frustration through going through the memories of when I have been hypoglycemic and had to stop everything to eat something or where I had to continue to move myself within the physical while being fatigued and to allow this experience of anger and frustration to continue on even while I am no longer fatigued by repeating the memory - causing myself to participate with anger and frustration and apathy because I have to continue to move within the physical when feeling fatigued and if I have to go through this experience of the movements being difficult then fuck everything else - not realizing that I am in fact only making the movements harder then what they are through creating the experience of the anger and frustration that takes a toll on the body at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add an experience of anger and frustration onto being fatigued causing the movements to be more difficult through having the emotions run through me while I am within the physical - not allowing myself to be here with myself directing myself within the physical but allowing the self created limitation of anger and frustration to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am still able to do what is best for all within limitation within being hypoglycemic and that fatigue is not the end of the world - it will only last for but a moment, but to create an energetic experience in relation to the fatigue where I allow myself to become angry and frustrated is not worth the time and effort within being fatigued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when thing get hard instead of pushing through the hard parts without any emotions or with as little of emotion I can control to continue to apply myself within living what is best for all in all moments, not allowing one point of being fatigued to determine who I will be in relation to doing what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and expect life to be easy without any trials or tribulations, where I can just coast through life, in this causing myself to go into an emotional experience of frustration and anger when things become more difficult than I had anticipated, not allowing myself to understand the situation that I am within and to direct myself within what is best for all within the situation, but to allow the frustration and anger accumulate to a point of wanting to give up and sometimes giving up because I experience it to be too difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by moving within/as the anger and frustration I had created to being fatigued I am thus then moving myself out of anger and frustration within all that I participate within/as causing everything to seem more difficult because I am moving out of anger and frustration which does not make the situation easier for me, it only makes things more difficult because I move faster and quicker to attempt to get myself out of the experience quicker, not realizing that by moving faster and quicker I am making more `mistakes` in my actions causing the experience of anger and frustration due to thing being difficult accumulate further and further until I create a mental breakdown for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to give up when the experience of doing anything becomes too hard - not allowing myself to push myself past my own limitations of the belief that things are too hard, but to allow that experience to direct me and control me, not allowing myself to simply be here within the physical and direct myself within the physical with and without limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted  and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated at the fact that I am able to go hypoglycemic which causes me to be fatigued due to a lack of energy within the body - allowing myself to become angry at the limitations that I have within the physical causing myself to move into the experience of anger and frustration instead of moving equal and one within/as the limitations and continuing to support myself as life and to support life despite being limited within fatigue or be it any other limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself after I have corrected the low - direct myself within breath within the physical, where I allow myself to breathe and in breath direct myself, but to allow myself to continue within the experience of anger and frustration which causes me to limit myself further within the physical, and cause myself to not see clearly because I am looking at my actions through a veil of anger and frustration, where every little thing that goes `wrong` is a mountain that build the anger and frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe while I correct the low, taking things slower as I direct myself here due to the fatigue and walking myself here within breath, directing myself within what is best for me as life - stopping any experience of anger and frustration from arising due to the perception of difficulty due to limitations


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from living what is best for all through allowing the experience of anger and frustration to accumulate, making the task seem  difficult, and cause myself to go into a reaction of wanting to give up and not continue with pushing myself within the activity because of the anger and frustration and the belief that the task is too difficult for me to continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that things that are perceived as difficult only take more breaths to get done and that anger and frustration are absolutely unnecessary, and that anger and frustration does not make doing the task any easier - it in fact makes it more difficult, and that within breath I am able to keep myself clear and continue to direct myself within what needs to be done within the physical actions despite any limitations and that within breath I do not allow limitations to hinder me any further than the limitations themselves , but I stand equal and one with the limitations  and am able to continue to live what is best for all.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the patience when things get `tough` or `difficult` or simply do not go my way, and re-assess the situation that I am participating in, re-assess myself in my starting point and my application and try again and keep at it, pushing myself to get it done and to walk myself into the result that I would like for myself and all others in this world equal and one

I commit myself to giving myself the patience and breath necessary to complete a task effectively and efficiently, stopping myself from going into the reaction of it being too hard because of failed attempts or because of limitation and to continue to apply myself within the task until it is done

I commit myself to stopping the reaction of going into the experience of `too hard`, by maintaining myself within breath and direction within/as any task that I set out to complete - pushing myself to move within/as any limitation that I have of/within/as myself to get the task done anyways

I commit myself to giving myself to patience needed to complete a task without going into the experience of it being too hard - using patience to slow myself down and to walk and work with what is here as myself to get the task done properly

I commit myself to stopping the desire for time to move quickly and for myself to move quickly within getting an assignment done immediately or on a first attempt, and to move within breath within the slowness of breath and within patience within the slowness of breath - directing myself within what is here to get the task done - stopping myself from directing myself from the desired outcome

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