Monday, July 2, 2012

Day 78 - Going Low pt 2 Attention Being Brought to Going Low


In grade 10 I remember myself gong low in English Class and not doing a thing about it. It was about mid way through the class and I started to feel dizzy, I started to feel weak, I was quite sure I was having a low.

I never let many people know that I was a diabetic in high school, I kept it to myself mostly, went home for lunch and didn't participate in many school events. So when I went low in class I hesitated to tell anyone that I was having a low because of the judgment of myself in relation to being a diabetic. I was running scenarios in my head of raising my hand and having to ask for sugar because I in that moment had none on me, to which I decided against because then I would create attention towards myself for being a diabetic, and this I did not want because I did not want to feel or have anyone perceive me as different then anyone else or need special care for being a diabetic. So I kept quite during the time that I went low and decided that I'll wait until I walked home for lunch, since it was the class before lunch, to support myself in the low, which is a really dangerous choice I made. I could have passed out on the walk home without anyone around me knowing what to do or what was going on - I see that I didn't want to be labeled and label myself as a diabetic. I did not want to be singled out as a diabetic and in that create a stigma towards myself for being a diabetic - but I already had, I only attempted to not further create that stigma that I had already defined myself as a diabetic through not telling the class that I needed sugar at that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to take care of myself as a diabetic solely alone, where I do not need to rely on anyone else in this world other than myself, not realizing that this reality does not work in that way, where no man is an island - that I live in a community and this community we are equally here as life and that I am going to need to rely on people from time to time for help not only for being a diabetic but for many reasons, and that I am not able to live alone because even the air that I breathe in each breath has come from the existence of many other beings - that of which has consequently helped me live, so in this I am completely reliant on other beings to live within an eco-system, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within an ego system wherein I believe that I am able to handle myself on my own, where I do not need any help from any other being in this lifetime to help me live, where I believe that I am able to live separated from everyone else and do not need their help at all, fueling myself as ego through the belief that I can live this life alone and denying that I am reliant on all other life for my existence in this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a stigma placed onto myself for being a diabetic, not realizing that I have firstly created the stigma onto myself for being a diabetic, and that I am only fearing other people finding out about this weakness I have created towards myself as ego, in this fear resist asking anybody for assistance with my life, as well as admitting that I need assistance in this life to live my life so that I can hold to the belief that I am able to be `strong` through not `needing` help, when the strength is only an illusion because I am not in fact strong through not needing help but only supporting my weakness as the stigma that I created towards myself through denying assistance or help, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that strength comes in numbers and that standing together in equality and oneness living what is best for all is real strength and that living in ego is weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for assistance and support to the extent where I allow myself to compromise my safety and health because I want to stand on my own in the illusion of my own strength, causing myself to harm and abuse myself through not living in equality with other beings as life, but separating myself as ego in the belief of who I am - believing that I am strong for living on my own not realizing that the strength would come from me letting down my own ego and asking for assistance and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the ego where I believe that I am strong because I can `handle myself` separating myself from all others in this world through attempting to live on my own ignoring how reality in fact operates as a cooperation in/as existence, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as strong because I resisted asking help from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear calling attention to myself for being a diabetic in `pointing out` that I am low and I do not have any form of support on me as sugar and that I need sugar to support myself, and in this fear allow myself to abuse myself and place myself in a dangerous position where I decide to walk the low alone and support myself within ego when it is clear that I need other’s assistance in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stigmatized for being a diabetic, fear being labeled different than anyone else and in that fearing to admit that I do in fact need different care than most people because I am a diabetic, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit that I cannot walk being a diabetic completely alone because I do rely on other people all the time as a diabetic and as a human and as life, and in this to let go of my ego of the belief that if I walk myself being a diabetic alone that means that I am a strong person, when the real strength is letting down my guard and fear and to walk in humbleness in realizing that I can be and am reliant on others for my existence here in each breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as weak for sharing that I am a diabetic with everyone and that if I go low I will need sugar and possible support if I do not have the sugar with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak if I ask for other’s assistance because I am not able to live for myself by myself, in this not realizing that in numbers there is strength and that as we as humanity stand together for a life worth living in equality and oneness within what is best for all as principled living we are strong but as living for self-interest, for only ourselves and our own personal gains we become separated and weak as shown through today’s culture and world where humanity is on the peak of its own existential suicide and we are still separating ourselves from each other – not living a solution to this world as equality and oneness and what is best for all life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being a diabetic – it is best to share it with other people so that they know I am a diabetic and are able to handle a situation if I end up passing out with appropriate action in this to let go of the stigma that I have created onto myself for being a diabetic within the belief that I am different than other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stigmatize myself for being a diabetic and in this stigma fear exposing myself within/as the stigma where I attempt to hide any evidence that I am a diabetic and resist exposing myself in any way of being a diabetic, even to the extent where I allow myself to cause harm to myself and place myself in a dangerous position where it is possible that I may pass out without anyone around to help me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to myself that I need `special` care where it is not `special` but different that what the societal normal is, and in this fear being defined or perceived as a person who is helpless, in this not realizing that I am only limiting myself within the definition of myself as a diabetic in the perspective of `helpless`, not allowing myself to realize that I am still me and I am still breathing and that the care that I need for myself does not define me but it is who I am within/as the care I take of myself that is me, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be in support of the best life for myself shown through the care of myself but abusive and harmful to myself because of the fear of the stigmatization that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as

I commit myself to let go of all the definitions of myself as a diabetic that revolve around limitation, in this not allowing myself to believe that I am not limited, because it is clear that I am, but to not allow this limitation to define me nor hinder me from taking the best care of myself as life and supporting living the best life possible in equality and oneness

I commit myself to stopping myself in/as ego in the belief that I am strong if I am able to take care of myself without the help of anyone else and in this stop separating myself from all others and ask for help when need be, in this allowing myself to let go of the belief that I am stronger alone than standing in equality with all other beings

I realize that as I stand alone as an island I an in fact `weak` because I am only one person and that as I and we stand together on equality and oneness living under the same principle of what is best for all we are infinitely strong and that in this standing we would create a world that is best for all within a short amount of time – if we were to all stand together in equality and oneness

I commit myself to let go of my ego and fears of being seen as weak for being a diabetic and share myself and expose myself as a diabetic, where I inject insulin in front of people, where I allow myself to test the blood sugar level unconditionally of the environment or people around,

I commit myself to stop abusing and harming myself in the fear of being labeled and defined as a diabetic or `different` and allow myself to express myself here in the physical unconditionally and in this to take the best care of myself even if that means asking a person for assistance with a low or anything else that I may need help with.



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