Monday, July 2, 2012

Day 79 - Going Low pt 3 - Candy and Fake Lows



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I may feel low but that I may not actually be going low

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not check the sugars if I feel the slightest doubt of whether or not I am going low, to make sure that I am not deceiving myself into eating sugar for a quelling of emotional instability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest in regards to my starting point of the feeling that I created of being low – of whether it was an emotional feeling that is similar to being low or if it is a physical weakness signaling that I am in fact going low

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with emotions that mimic the
feeling of a sugar low causing myself to make myself believe that I am going low and that if I am not self-honest about whether or not I am in fact going low – to cause harm to myself in eating a form of sugar when it is not needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I allow the blood sugars to stay above normal for long enough that the body will then adapt to the constant high blood sugars causing the body then to react when the sugar starts to drop back down to normal levels causing a feeling of being low and the symptoms of being low, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that sugar is like a drug causing withdrawal symptoms similar to that of a drug, moodiness, sweating, irritability, and in this that sugar being like a drug is used to calm emotions or as emotional suppressants such as the liver releasing glycogen when a person feels stressed out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand the patterns that I live out in regards to emotions and feelings and in this release myself of the feelings and emotions that cause myself to compromise my health as a diabetic where I believe that I am going low when I am only subtly manipulating myself with feelings and emotions to mimic what I feel as a low to consume sugar in order to  console the emotions and feelings that I am creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotions and feelings that mimic a low so that I deceive myself into a justification for myself to consume sugar to quell the emotions and feelings that I am creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict myself to sugar through the experiences I had as a child in relation to sugar, where I would become happy and joyful when I was allowed to eat candy, in this allowing myself to now manipulate myself and deceive myself with emotions of depression and sadness to the extent where it takes a physical toll on the body making myself weak wherein I believe then that I am going low but really the sugars are stable - it is only me within the mind as emotions and feelings that is unstable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with candy as a point of support for emotions abusing myself as life as the body, through allowing myself to firstly create the mass of emotion that brings a physical weakness onto the body and to secondly use that abuse to support further abuse through allowing myself to consume more candy causing further harm to the body due to myself not injecting proper insulin nor testing my sugar, but to attempt to avoid facing what I am doing to myself through not testing and only injecting a mass of insulin in hopes that it will correct the blood sugar level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with candy as abusive instead of using candy/sweets as a physical practical support tool for situations when I am in fact going low and need a quick rise in sugar - but to instead allow myself to consume sweets extensively when I go through emotional turmoil causing extensive harm to the body and myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not sugar nor sweets that is abusive but it is me that is abusive to myself in the relationship I have developed with myself in consuming sweets in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through/as the action of consuming sweets for emotional salvation, creating the false feeling of being low to justify myself consuming sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not test when I feel low but to allow myself to immediately jump to the conclusion that I am low so that I can allow myself to eat candy and create emotions and feelings of positivity while I gorge in candy due to a point in myself where I abdicated self honesty in that I was in a negative emotional spiral and used/abused substance life as candy to support the mind as energy instead of to support the physical as life

I commit myself to changing the relationship with myself in regards to dealing with emotions to not suppress them or to avoid them through the consumption of sugar, but to investigate tem in self-honesty an to let the emotions fade away as energy does, in this to bring myself back ere in breath where I take the self-directive principle of myself as life where I live what is best for all in this situation though not allowing myself to consume sugar to deal with emotions

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wanting/desiring sugar and a feeling of being low arises to check th blood sugar to first see if I am in fact low and if not to then calm myself down and bring myself back to breath in this stabilizing myself in breath and directing myself through the emotions in self honesty where I investigate and pin point the origin of the emotions and/or feelings and to in this let go of the emotions through the forgiveness of myself for abusing myself with sweets in regards to dealing with emotions

I commit myself to use sweets and sugar as support for myself when I am low and to not abuse this through purposely making myself low in order to consume sweets in this developing trust for myself in being supportive of myself as life and all life, trusting myself in each moment of breath to live what is best for all as life in each moment as I live what is best for me as life in each moment of breath

I commit myself to taking this relationship with myself breath by breath accumulating trust and real physical care for myself developing the relationship with myself accumulatively as I have developed the relationship with myself currently into form of abuse accumulatively throughout time and space

I commit myself to developing an effective communicative relationship with the body where I am able to see whether I am going low or whether I am only exhausted or emotional

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