Monday, July 2, 2012

Day 80 - Going Low pt 4 - Irritability



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritable when I am going low because all of these physical feelings such as exhaustion weakness sweating come up in a flurry, and in not being `prepared` for all of the feelings at once become irritable and take out and express the irritability onto other people in physical actions or within thoughts instead of taking the point back into the physical and placing myself back in breath in that moment and support myself in the low through going to go eat something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use being low as an excuse to become an asshole within physical actions or within thoughts where I allow thoughts to run rampant that are full of judgment and blame, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that going low and becoming irritable is a tool for me to see me in who I am in that moment and correct my living actions into what is best for all life and to do what is best for me in all life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not the low that makes me irritable it is me that makes me irritable through accepting and allowing the emotion to be connected to the feeling of a low, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect irritation to the feeling of being hypoglycemic and in this then define hypoglycemia as a unlikeable characteristic in this become an `unlikeable character` when I am low through connecting irritation to being low

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own emotions and feelings and to not take responsibility for them through allowing myself to blame being low, as if going low is a separate entity from myself, for the emotions and feelings I experience when I have low blood sugar, in this I forgive myself that I have failed to see that I must first have irritability within me in order for irritability to exist - meaning I must first have irritability in me as me and thus I am responsible for me as the irritation because it had to be here first for hypoglycemia to trigger irritation, as I remember my first low; I was not irritated whatsoever I simply supported myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotions and feelings to control me in the times where I am hypoglycemic allowing myself to not live in practicality wherein I would simply support myself in the low and consume something, but to instead allow myself to become overwhelmed with emotion to the extent where I end up allowing myself to remain in irritability for hours after I have consumed something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am the one responsible for the emotions and feelings I create when I am low, and that the low is not the cause of the emotions, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself being low and irritable through placing the relationship of irritability as a point within low in which I believe I have no say in - meaning that I am not responsible for a low because it is just a thing that happens from time to time and that through connecting irritability to being low that I am not responsible for myself in being irritable because it is connect to being low which happens from time to time in which I do not have a `say` in, not accepting myself to take responsibility for who I am within a low

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I may not have a choice in whether or not I become hypoglycemic but I have a choice in how I deal with myself being hypoglycemic  as I have a choice to exist in breath and stay stable emotionally and support myself in the physical through eating something or to allow all the past memories of being low accumulate in that moment and allow myself to become irritated because `once again I am subject to this shitty timing where I have to drop all that I am doing and go eat something`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate all the past memories of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become in the moment of hypoglycemia to one moment of being hypoglycemic and recreate myself through the memories of past times when I was low and irritated instead of ignoring the memories, letting them go and being here with the physical within breath and deal with myself in being low in the best way existent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience irritation when and as I am hypoglycemic because of the sweatiness that I do not want to deal with, because of the lack of concentration that I have when I am low, because of the fatigue that sets in, in this allowing all the experiences of being low accumulate and project them into the future where I start to think, `I am going to be sweaty for the entire day now and that is not fun to be sociable within`, `I still have work to do and I do not want to because of this fatigue`, `I cannot think properly and I do not want anyone to talk to me so I do not need to concentrate` and in these thoughts among many more create the experience of myself being irritated instead of not thinking at all and breathing here with myself and supporting myself in the physical through going to eat something and be patient with the fatigue, let go of the care of how I smell or look due to the sweatiness, and be patient with the concentration and in this stay with myself here in breath, breathing in each breath doing what is best for me as life in each breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a character of being irritated when I find that I am low and do not want to deal with it because of the accumulated past memories of who I accepted myself to be in relation to being low and having to deal with going low, and in this becoming a character, not allow myself to live here within breath of who I am as life, dealing with going low within breath as myself here, stopping the accumulative past memories from influencing who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when `having` to deal with being low separating myself from and as the actions of dealing with myself as low through defining it as "having" to which is a separate entity in which I must perform instead of doing - as the support of myself in a low - meaning I support myself in a low when I go low - I don't have to but I simply do as life as myself in breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am within being low is all my own creation of and as the character that I have accepted and allowed myself to be while low - shown through thoughts such as `I am low fuck off` `I am low, fuck I now have to go and eat something`, `fuck why now` `I am completely drained and cannot concentrate, I do not want to talk to anyone` `Everyone better fuck off because I am low` and in accepting these thoughts as myself accepting myself to live out a belief of myself being irritated while low - allowing myself to become a character of irritability while low - instead of allowing myself to stay here with myself in breath and support myself here in breath and in this decide who I will be within hypoglycemic episodes, not allowing myself to re-create a pattern over and over and over due to memories and thoughts.

I realize that who I am as irritability while being low is only but an illusionary creation of mine and the experience of myself as irritated when I am low is not real at all due to the fact that thoughts exist first before I become the experience of irritable, and that it is not me here in breath, thus the experience of myself as irritated when I am low is not life.

I commit myself to investigate myself without thoughts when I am low to live myself while low, to correct this momentary lapse as myself as life in breath, and to live as myself here in breath in all moments - moving through all moments where I am not live - being irritated while I am low being one point in many, nonetheless correcting myself within this point to support bearthing myself here as  life and support of life instead of emotional energy manipulation and possession

I commit myself to when and as I find myself low to breathe and to keep myself in breath as I am low and to in this support myself in the low simply by moving myself in the physical to consume food, in this I commit myself to not allow emotions or feelings to get the best of me when I am low wherein I allow myself to exist in this irritated state for hours after I have supported myself in the low because `I was low` but to stop the memories of all past experiences in that moment breathe and support myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in who I am when I am low and in this make sure that I do not project or react with blame onto anyone or anything for who I have accepted myself to become as I am low in this taking responsibility for changing myself into acting what is best for all life through and as the simple action of supporting myself as life as I am low within breath, stopping the emotional mind fuck as irritation which only supports separation blame and inequality - inequalty as separation.

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