Day 82 - The `Do Gooder`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and create the character in which I perform actions that I have defined as taking responsibility for myself in this life such as writing, doing laundry, cleaning up the house, doing the things that I have abdicated for the past days, in order to assist myself creating the character and living the character of doing good - of being a good doer -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely allow myself to create shit in my reality that I have to inevitably fix and or clean up so that I can hold onto the character of being a good doer every so often as I choose to become and live as the good doer and create a energetic charge through living the character of a good doer where I then in this energetic charge become positive and happy and live the false illusory belief that I am a good doer for the simple few actions that I take within the small amount of time within one day where I accept and allow myself to live within the character of a good doer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good doer and live within and as the definition of a good doer through and as the choice that I have made to define myself as a good doer through and as my participation with desteni where in the moment of my choosing to participate with desteni I in that moment allowed myself to define myself as good and create a character of myself of being good through and as my participation with desteni and thus every time that I work on the SRA or anything related to taking responsibility for myself I define myself as being good, forever enslaving myself to live within and as the character of `good doer` through allowing myself to polarize myself in allowing myself to then define myself as sinful or evil when I allow myself to participate in self-interest within watching a movie or entertaining myself allowing myself to move back and forth between judgments of myself and allow myself to trap myself within the cycle of allowing myself to participate in self interest and fuck around after each time I allow myself to take responsibility for myself within a day - participating in a illusion of reward of allowing myself to fuck around if I take responsibility for myself within a day until the guilt and judgment builds up to a level wherein I then decide to take responsibility for myself for a day to then allow myself again to move into self-interest and repeat this cycle infinitely, as I am giving myself just what I want when I take responsibility for myself as good energy to hold me over as I participate in self-interest until the energy of the good doer wears off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that taking responsibility for myself means to live responsibility infinitely, to live taking responsibility for myself to the end of time where I take responsibility for my actions and the outcomes of my actions, and direct them, through taking responsibility for my actions, within what is best for all life here in equality and oneness, and that self-responsibility doesn't mean half of the time that I am here on Earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto myself as the definition of and as a destonian so that I am able to hold onto the belief and character of myself being a good doer so that I am able to justify myself living in self-interest some of the time, majority of the time, because I give myself the justification of myself living within the principles of equality and oneness and doing what is best for all some of the time, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in desteni from the starting point of creating myself as the character of being a good doer, and in this to allow myself to create the character of being a good doer each time I participate in anything desteni related or responsibility related such as homework, or doing the dishes, or cleaning up after myself, allowing myself to create an illusionary existence of myself as the character of a good doer based upon my actions, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am doing good as I take responsibility for myself instead of simply taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I decided to join and participate with desteni define myself as a good doer - as a person that is changing this world, and in this live within the illusory definition of myself in that moment due to thoughts and belief ignoring myself in self-honesty that I am still thinking - that I am still accepting myself to be abusive to myself the majority of the time, and in this to still accept abuse in this world through and as my lived actions unto myself, in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be humble as I walk the process not judging myself for not immediately living the principles, but realize who and what I have become as a character of illusion and walk myself out of living this illusion of a `do gooder`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share my participation with desteni to people so that I can in that moment inflame the `do good` character and then revel in the energetic charge that I create for myself in that moment due to the memory of me at times taking responsibility for myself and changing myself, in this not realizing or seeing nor understanding what desteni is here for, and in this not allowing myself to stand equal and one to the principles of equality and oneness and what is best for all life here, but to only accept myself living these principles half of the time and in the other half accept myself living in self-interest which then causes a constant conflict within me where I fight with myself between good and bad, separating myself from the actions of myself through creating a polarity energetic charge on each of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to live within the accepted definition that I have placed within and as the word destonian, where I have defined the word as destonian in relation to `good doer` as people who are going to change the world, in this not living myself into and as change of myself in my actions, but to continue to live within the pre-programmed self-interest through allowing myself to live within the character of `good doer` to inflame an energetic response from myself within the mind, in this not in fact allowing myself to change myself infinitely, but to continue within the self-interested actions of myself, even allowing my participation within desteni to be that of self-interest where the self-interest comes from defining myself as `good doer` and live within that character to make myself seem more than what I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other people in what they are doing for this world and to in this judge them and judge myself while participating in the `good doer` character, in this allowing myself to inflame the ego and definition of myself and the character that I participate in as `good doer` because I am defining myself as taking responsibility for myself through and as my participation in desteni, but in this only deluding myself to who I really am in and as my participation with myself in this reality not realizing nor seeing that I have barely lived taking responsibility for myself shown through and as my actions continuing within self-interest, as well in this compare myself to my siblings and immediate acquaintances in my reality and judge and compare myself with them in relation to being good or doing good while I participate in the `good doer` character that I have created because of my participation within desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good doer because of who I am within the family where I compare and judge my sibling(s) as the ones who rebelled and who were the bad one(s) based on their actions wherein I was the one who followed the rules, I was the one who did not challenge or rebel against the family structure and in this define myself as `the good one` in relation to who I am within the family and in this define myself as the `good one` in relation to who I am in this existence because who I am was developed and created with myself and the relationships I created with myself and the family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I created this character when I was young and when my sibling started to rebel and run away and to not follow the rules of the household, and in this judge them as the bad one, immediately defining myself as the good one and in this allow myself to live and create the character of and as the good one and live this characterization of illusion of who I am as the good one, not in fact seeing myself in and as this physical reality as who I am as life and who I am in reality in the context of my relationship to and of this reality/existence, but to blind myself as a `do gooder` through who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the context of my relationship to the family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good doer because my parents had a hard time dealing with and controlling my sibling, and had an easier time with me because of the lack of challenge that I gave them within the pre-set rules of the household, in this defining myself within the system and relation to the system of and as rules as `good doer` and in this then relate this definition and character of myself to my participation in desteni. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the moment my sibling started to hang out with the `bad kids` an start to run away I then and there started to define myself as good in relation to my sibling, and in this relationship define myself as a good person and from then on define myself as a good person in relation to who I am within and as the family and the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the relationship with other people within a point of competition between myself and others through the illusion of who is the best character, of who is the most benevolent being and in this judge others within the context of what I believe as bad, and judge others within the context of what I believe is good, and in this compare myself with others where I then go into a polarity of energy based on who I ave defined myself in relation to the other person based on what I saw within myself in the comparison of who is `better`

I commit myself to walking myself out of this `good doer` character that I have developed as myself through being self-honest with myself in realizing what I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as on a day to day basis and realizing that one day of taking responsibility for myself does not mean that I have taken responsibility for myself as it is must be physically lived in every moment of myself in breath

I commit myself to stopping the polarity movements of myself between self interest and taking responsibility for myself in this world and existence, stopping me from utilizing the `good doer` character to justify myself and to excuse myself living within self-interest, and in this to commit myself to taking responsibility for myself in every moment, through looking at what I am in fact accepting and allowing in my day to day participation, and to take responsibility for stopping myself in participating in that which is abusive and exists within separation and inequality, such as the judgments I accept and allow myself to participate in based on the polarity of good and bad.

I realize that taking responsibility is something that is not good nor bad in this world but something that I either live or do not live, something that I choose to live based on equality and oneness or don't as I would like people to take responsibility for themselves and clean up after their mess of and as themselves, and in this to re-define responsibility within equality and oneness where I live the responsibility of myself because I would like others to take responsibility for themselves, so that I am not left with another's responsibilities and so that I do not leave others to take responsibility for me.

When and as I see myself moving within and as the `good doer` characterization of myself I stop I breathe and I realize that there is no good or bad within this world, and in this I stand as a point of simply taking responsibility for myself and physically living the actions of self-responsibility for and as myself, meaning I do not allow myself to take responsibility for myself so that I am able to project it onto others with hopes for gaining love and attention from others.