Thursday, July 12, 2012

Day 90 - Self Defeating Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and worry about falling behind in life, not realizing that I am not able to `fall behind` because life is always here as me in breath and that the only falling behind is life is to allow myself to fall into thoughts, and `lose` myself as life as I start to believe that who I am is within the thoughts, is within the desires, is within the energy that the mind strives for, and that my `falling behind` is only because I allow myself to continue to think without my application of stopping myself within the diligent application of placing myself here and to take self directive responsibility for myself to make sure I `keep` up with life through breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling behind in life because I see others who are progressing in life and have clearly shown that they are moving within achievements and goals, and in this compare this with myself where I see me as still being stuck in the rut that I have been stuck in for a while, and to in this create the fear of falling behind in life because I have defined falling behind in life to be stuck in a rut - a rut consisting of the same behaviour day in and day out - behaviour that does not allow oneself to move on from the plateau that one sits at and `progress` further in life, not realizing that the plateau is due to ones acceptance and allowance of self and who self is and that the plateau is only a pattern, a pattern that has been developed and kept within the act of thinking - thinking the same thoughts that lead to the same actions that leads to the same experiences over and over again, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge myself and to push myself within what I resist to get myself out of the stagnation that I have come accustomed to because it is who I have accepted myself to be without question - it is who I have accepted myself to characterize myself as in the belief and perspective that this is the `best` that I can be - in this giving into the fear of pushing myself from my comfort zone and seeing what my best really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving from the comfort zone that I have created for myself in the acceptance and allowance of who I am within this reality, and to in this not question who I am and what I am accepting and allowing, and to not break myself out of the illusion of comfort with who I am and push myself beyond the comfort zones of acceptance and allowance of who I am in the relationships I have developed towards this reality and myself and to in this question my relationships towards/within/as this reality to see who I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to be and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving beyond who I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as in the relationship towards/as/within this reality and in this fear to keep myself within a pattern that I believe that I am best at and cannot move further from because of `who I am` in this enslaving myself to the idea and characterization of myself and who I believe I am and who I have developed myself to be in relation to/within/as this world and reality, not allowing myself to question who I have become and accepted and allowed myself to exist as because of the fear of pushing past the comfort zones to see how I am existing in relation to/within/as this reality actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surround myself with people that do not stimulate that fear within me because they have accepted and allowed themselves to accept themselves the way that they are, in this making myself believe to be and feel superior to the others because I believe myself to be slightly more `progressed` than they are so I don't have to face the fear of being left behind or being a failure in regards to the `success of life`

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that who I am has become based on thought, and that in the act of thinking the same thoughts I participate in the same patterns over and over and over again, not allowing myself to move out of the accepted and allowed self as pattern that I have become, and that if I really want to change and to not be stuck in a `rut` of the same accepted patterns I am going to have to investigate how I have come to accept myself as the patterns and investigate who I am within the patterns, within this stop the patterns through stopping myself in participating in the same thought patterns and to breathe in the moment of thought and direct myself within the moment of thought in what I would like to `progress` within and to develop myself as
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/value myself as worthless because I see those around me going to school, getting good jobs, and being `successful` while I see myself being stuck in the same patterns that I have always lived, in this reacting with fear to those that I see as more successful than myself and to in this avoid facing myself within the fear of being worthless, through separating myself from the people that spark that fear within me, not realizing that I am only causing my own end, my own end to myself as life due to the acceptance of fear that I cannot be anything `more` than what I have been as the thoughts and accepted patterns that I have been living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to move past my accepted and allowed patterns through becoming the decision to stop myself, through becoming the decision to finally put an end to who I am as the relationship(s) I have developed towards myself and this world and to birth myself in equality and oneness as how the relationships in this world in fact operate where the body does not give more blood to one organ than another - it spreads the blood around equally giving equal nourishment to all parts of the body, in this doing what is best for all, where it does not give a lot of blood to only a select few parts of the body and gives the rest to all other organs, as it is vital that all parts of the body are supported for the entire body to exist, yet we spread money - the tool to support life - in inequality where a few get a lot of money and the rest are left to fight for the scraps

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it takes effort and time to move through the accumulated patterns and habits that I have developed and become because it took me time to create them as me in the first place and that to judge myself for who I am now is pointless and irrelevant to any livable solution to myself, and that in this it is only my will and dedication to myself as life that will get me out of myself within the mind and give myself real value and worth as life

I commit myself to stopping the needless time spent on comparing myself and defeating myself within comparison and to accept myself as how I am within time and space and dedicate myself to walking myself within assisting and supporting myself to stop the patterns and habits of abuse and inequality and to realize my truth of who and how I am in REALation to this world

I commit myself to when and as I find myself beating myself up and defeating myself within thoughts to stop breathe and to accept myself within that moment and to move past the judgment and defeatism to a real livable solution and to in this continue to apply myself within that which I am creating a pattern of self-defeat within

I commit myself to work with myself here as who I am within this space time to `better` myself from the perspective of giving myself real worth through birthing myself from nothing into something - the something that gives life to life, not taking life from life

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