Friday, July 13, 2012

Day 91 - Self Defeating Character pt 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to point out to myself every little thing that I have done `wrong` or am doing `wrong` through thinking while accessing the self defeat character causing myself to make my actions seem negative and in this develop a build up of a lack of confidence through the act of thinking the thoughts until I break from the thoughts and give up what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the `mistakes` I make and allow myself to learn from them but use them as a tool to poke holes in myself for each and every little mistake that I have done that is not within the definition of what is `right` and to in this constantly put pressure on myself until I inevitably break through the constant bombardment of thoughts that exist like knives being jabbed into me and give into the defeatism and believe and tell myself that I can't do it - it is too hard for myself when the experience of it being too hard and me  not being able to do it is only an illusion built up over time due to the repetition of thought consisting of self defeating thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the self defeating thoughts because I have learnt how to cope with making mistakes through making myself end up defeated with the task and to in this create fear around the task so that I never again move towards doing that same task or activity or program or system because of the fear of seeing myself as valueless and to then in this find something that I am `good` at where the defeatism is minimal and I can escape my own backchat and judgement of myself limiting myself to what I will and will not do because of the constant bombardment of thoughts relating to defeatism instead of pushing myself through the thoughts and continuing on with that which I have started to create the defeatism within - ignoring the thoughts as they arise and direct myself continuously and directive within the physical reality within the activity/movements/subject that I am doing and to learn from the `mistakes` that I make

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation of who and how I must be in relation to being good or bad within an activity, in this, if the expectation of myself is higher than what I am `performing` at to go into a mode of defeatism because I am not living up to my standards of myself and to in this each time that I make a mistake based on what I have told is good or bad or right or wrong within the activity that I am participating in - to judge myself and to create that mistake as a knife as an attempt to not do that same movement/choice again within the activity - abusing myself with the thoughts in attempts to get myself to do the right `thing/choice` not realizing that this way of learning is incredibly detrimental to myself and only develops the defeatism and giving up that is experienced within this character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the abusive thoughts that I am creating within the mind towards myself as it creates a massive separation of myself and who I am and the relationship I have with myself where I am in a constant split between myself and in this to place myself here within the physical and direct myself here within the physical in learning from the `mistakes` that I make, learning by understanding the mistake and forgiving instead of holding it over myself like a knife ready to be dropped at any moment - and in directing myself within the physical ignore and let go of the self-defeating thoughts and actually learn and expand myself in an area or activity through trial and error without punishment of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the physical as a reference point for what I am doing meaning that through the self-defeating character I create an illusion of not doing well within what I am participating in and through the acceptance of the character actually start to not do well as I allow the influence of the thoughts to direct me within the physical - where I start to give more attention to the thoughts of judgment and defeatism simultaneously separating myself from awareness within the physical  and direction within the physical causing myself to not be in control of myself through my awareness of myself within the physical but allow the thoughts to then take control over myself through giving into the thoughts in believing that they are real and who I am within the moment, instead of stopping them and taking back the self-directive power that is myself within breath/breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defeat myself within the act of thinking, causing myself to build up a resistance and definition of myself within that which I resist and have made myself believe that I am defeated within, in this allowing myself to resist that which I have made myself believe that I have been defeated within in the context of value and to in this not expand myself within learning what I did wrong but only avoid facing my mistakes and learning from the mistakes I made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the self defeatism character I am placing an unrealistic expectation onto myself where I believe that I should be perfect immediately in the action that I am partaking within or within the subject that I am speaking/writing about not realizing that the expectation is  unrealistic and that I am not able to live up to my own expectations and that to give up after only a few tries and defining myself as defeated by the activity is not real because only I can allow myself to defeat myself through the act of thinking and participating in the mental bullshit of success and failure while the physical task or subject remains stable and as is consistently and constantly not expecting failure or success but stable within what the task or subject require.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the definitions of success and failure wherein what I participate in I compare and judge myself in relation to whether or not I am a success or failure at what I am doing  instead of participating with myself unconditionally in the subject or activity and physically learn from the subject or activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the thoughts that arise within the self defeating character, that I am the thoughts that where I tell myself through the act of thinking that I am not doing good enough, not performing well enough, and allowing too many `mistakes`, in this always searching and attempt to achieve something more than what I am, not allowing myself to be here with myself and express myself within the capabilities that I have here as myself in breath

I commit myself to stopping the defeating thoughts when I make a mistake within the definition of success an failure and to in this align myself with the physical movements that are necessary to be done within the task or subject and to in this apply myself within the task or subject and to learn within the task or subject - breaking out of the limitation that I have set up for myself within the belief of what I can and cannot do due to the limiting thoughts of the self defeating character I have become

I commit myself to when and as I find myself becoming the self defeating character to stop in that moment, breathe, let go and apply myself within the physical, stopping myself from giving attention and worth to the thoughts and keep myself focused on myself here within the physical and the physical movements that is necessary for the task at hand

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