Saturday, July 21, 2012

Day 99 - Responsibility - Memory within the Hospital


When I was diagnosed with diabetes I was treated by the nurses. I remember that they would do all the injections for the first days. I did not have the opportunity to take the responsibility to inject myself immediately - I was not shown how to do it immediately, it was all done for me. I remember that I was being woken up at 3 in the morning to test the sugar and to get an injection at that time throughout the stay in the hospital. Since I was not being given the opportunity to inject myself I asked to inject myself one time so that I could learn it quicker and get out of the hospital quicker and continue on with my life. I in that moment only wanted to take responsibility for that one moment so that I could get out of that situation/experience as fast as I could and continue on with my life and ignore the fact that I now have to be responsible for myself in having diabetes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself only in moments when I see it as beneficial for me in the context of getting myself out of a situation or experience so that I can escape it as fast as possible and continue on with ignoring that which I was taking responsibility for - causing myself to time loop within taking responsibility and not learning what responsibility actually is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that responsibility is not only for one moment - responsibility is, when it is lived, is infinite, it is an understanding of self and self's part in the universe and taking responsibility for that one part in understanding what self is/has done/doing and to in this realize self within the context of the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility out of self-interest where I take responsibility to get myself into self-interest as I see that only in taking responsibility am I able to get myself out of a specific situation/experience that I do not want to be in, and that in this see that to get myself to where I WANT to be - in self-interest - it is best for me to `take responsibility` for myself within this one moment so that I can fuck off later - in this completely ignoring the point of what responsibility is and misunderstanding and misusing responsibility as a point to not take responsibility for myself to but only continue living in self interest, such as the example where I wanted to learn how to inject myself - the basics - so that I could get the bare minimum I needed to support myself - then `escape` and return to my life in how I wanted to live it - not understanding what it means/meant to take responsibility for myself being a diabetic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that responsibility means to take responsibility for self, not to momentarily take responsibility - to the actions that must be done - then fuck off again once the actions are completely - but to constantly and continuously apply responsibility as self as life in every breath taking responsibility for every moment that self is here and to in this see self for what self is participating in and take responsibility for what self has participated in and ask the question if that is how we would like to be treated and if that is how we would to like to live - in this making necessary corrections to our actions within/as taking responsibility for ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the word responsibility through allowing myself to use responsibility only in moments where it is absolutely pertinent to my survival allowing myself to then - after my survival is set - to continue to ignore myself within that which I am responsible for and to avoid taking responsibility for my part in this world in how it exists and my responsibility for it existing how it exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that I have not taken responsibility for myself because responsibility is a living expression of self of who self is in every moment and does not waver from the point of responsibility for self - I have only lived self interest because even in the times that I have taken responsibility for myself I have only done so with the outcome of self-interest, out of the starting point of self interest - thus making my points of taking responsibility for myself only self-interest and not real lived responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to take responsibility for myself it is a lived expression of myself here in every moment, where in every moment, I am aware of what I am doing and participating in and that I do not hide myself from what I am participating within and as, in this, direct myself within the Response-ability to live and apply myself within what is best for all within equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking responsibility for myself in this reality because that means that I have to let go of my self-interest and direct myself within things that I do not want to do - and that within this responsibility is something that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship towards of not wanting to do as a lived action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting or not wanting to do or to not do I participate within self-interest because it comes from a want to or a want to not and that responsibility is not within a want or a not want but simply a doing as an expression of myself here in awareness of my relation within reality, and that I simply take responsibility for myself - I give responsibility to myself - and direct myself within it without a want or a lack of a want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that we as humanity have lacked taking responsibility for ourselves because this world still has poverty existing within it, it still has starvation existing within it, still has rape, murder, war, deforestation, desertification, animal abuse, and that if we really in fact lived responsibility we would see and be aware of what we are doing - we are aware - but we have not lived taking responsibility for the existence of these points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that the lack responsibility has become a disease within man because within the lack of taking responsibility for ourselves we have created a dis-ease within living within the world because if we did in fact take responsibility for ourselves within this world we would simply create a world where not one live a life that no ones wants to live - we would create a world of an ease of living instead of the constant struggle for survival that we all live day to day within the monetary system and in this if we in fact took responsibility for ourselves we would no longer accept this monetary system as the creation of ourselves and that we would birth a system where no life is abused


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take responsibility for myself when it only benefits myself in this allowing responsibility to be defined within self-interest not realizing that this is not real responsibility as responsibility is a lived expression of self in every moment and where within responsibility one directs oneself to live within actions that birth a life that is best for all life

*commitment statements to come

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