Monday, August 6, 2012

Day 115 - Fear Of Change


This fear of change has been directing me for about a week now, where I keep living my patterns and habits of entertaining myself with websites, where I allow myself to sleep for a long amount of time, where I slack of on writing and homework, where I allow my day to day responsibilities grow - I mean it is basically a lack of taking responsibility in cleaning up my reality and my self within the inner reality in stopping the patterns and living new patterns where I take immediate responsibility for my self in my world and direct myself immediately within any responsibility that comes up within the moment. As well within my inner reality where I take responsibility for participating in the thoughts that I am allowing as me, taking responsibility through stopping them and directing myself as them to not participate in them, so this fear of change has grown to a point where I am not satisfied with how I am living my life and a constant battle is going on between me myself and I where I realize what I am doing but when the point comes to stop it, I go into the fear of changing and directing myself in that moment within something else, and in this continue to sabotage myself basically by not taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in participation within the outer world and myself in the inner world by directing myself in stopping the same lived patterns that I have realized have only been hindering to myself directing myself in creating a life that is best for me, and hindering giving myself any sort of power through standing in equality and oneness in direction of myself within/as the outer world and the inner world and directing myself, in this fear of changing, accept the life that I have been currently living and creating a battle between myself and the awareness of myself for participating in the patterns of not taking responsibility for myself and participating in the patterns where I look for happiness or enjoyment within entertaining myself and not taking responsibility for myself here in directing myself in this physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in changing my entire self in going to change through/as what I accept and allow as myself, my values are going to change, my behaviours are going to change, and that this fear of changing myself is heavily related to the want of love, as I realize that as I change into/as taking responsibility for myself in directing myself to creating a life that is based on the principle of equality and oneness and what is best for all life I am going to stop placing value on love and in this change my entire direction in which I fear because I have not taken direction of myself before in this life - I have only directed myself through thought and fears and loves as fear - where love is the fear, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in directing myself in this reality - not realizing that as I direct myself I stand as the direction and it is not possible to make a ``mistake` as I, in awareness direct myself, but when/as energy as love and fear direct me it is easy to make a mistake because I am not aware of where or how I am directing myself other than the vague glimpse of love and fear, in this, as I change - I value myself as life and stop valuing the love as fear, and direct myself in/as life in/as breath and stop allowing love and fear to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought that offers the path of entertaining myself with websites for hours due to the fear of directing myself and changing the lived habits and patterns, instead of in that moment taking a breath and directing myself within what I must get done within time and space, and immediately directing myself in that responsibility without looking back or questioning whether or not I really want to be doing this - letting go of the want and desire to follow the thought and direct myself here within breath - moving myself in taking responsibility for myself and cleaning up my outer and inner selves by stopping participation in the thought and taking responsibility for directing myself within/as this world system to create a quality of living for myself and to give this quality of living to all others equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the relationship ties that I have created over the past years with my inner and outer realities, and in this fear of letting go of the relationship ties hold onto them as hard and long as possible through allowing myself to slack off on anything that does not include those relationships, and push back all the responsibilities in my life so that I can indulge in the relationship that I have created and accepted myself as where I entertain myself and I use this reality as a playground for me and the mind within/as the desires that I hold within/as the mind - In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the relationship that I have created with myself by stopping myself in/as the patterns that I have been living slowly but surely - to make sure that I do not react and compromise myself - within and without the mind and to in this create a new pattern of myself where I instead of indulging in the past relationships that I have had with myself , take responsibility for myself in cleaning up myself within the mind and within my outer reality where I give myself a better education through/as taking responsibility and cleaning up my outer reality - and stop myself from participating in thoughts more through directing myself here in breath in taking responsibility for myself - in this living a new pattern to myself where I am the directive principle and not the thoughts or fears of love as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself because I have lived a pattern where nothing matters to me other than my own enjoyment and happiness and where  I have coasted throughout life accepting a life that I am comfortable within because I do not experience the worst of the suffering - and in this I fear breaking down the level of comfort that I have created within myself in how I have lived my relationship to myself and this reality because I've allowed myself to ignore that which I am actually participating in as this world system - ignoring the constant suffering that is being lived here in each moment - and in this Ignoring any possible points in my daily life where I am able to take responsibility for my participation in/as this world system and create a life for myself where I will be able to have an influence on this system and support the equal money system systematically within/as this system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a war between myself of choice of whether or not to continue on the path that I am on - warring with the want and warring with the point of responsibility for myself in this world - allowing myself to create a constant conflict with myself that does not solve a damn thing in/as myself - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself in the moment of conflict - directing myself in taking responsibility for myself immediately - stopping the conflict of living out the same patterns with judgment of the lived patterns and take responsibility for leading my life as life in breath to create a life for me where I am able to be influential within this system for others to stand up within themselves and decide to no longer accept this life within themselves and within the outer world as well and make a choice to support a new economic system where life is value and where no one has to make the choice of whether which child will go to bed without food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fear of change is only a choice that I am making within myself to keep my accepted and allowed patterns and relationship with myself and to not question the patterns that I have been accepting and allowing within myself

I commit myself to question the patterns that I have been living and to question the relationship I have to myself within my inner and outer reality - and in this I commit myself to facing the fear of changing myself from this fear by directing myself within/as the mind as thoughts by stopping myself within thoughts and to direct myself in taking responsibility for myself and walk through the fear of directing myself in responsibility in this world


I commit myself to stopping the want for love to direct me in keeping this life the way I have where I attempt to find someone who has the same patterns and habits that I do in hopes to find a partner in which to indulge within the feeling of love with - where I give into the complete fear of directing myself in this life and taking responsibility in creating a world that is best for all, and to face this fear by stopping the myself in participating in the thoughts that lead me to the actions of looking for socialization via internet and to understand myself in participating within the thoughts

No comments:

Post a Comment