Day 117 - Telling People I am A Diabetic

The other day I ran into some people that I've known from high school and we got to talking at caught up and all that. I mentioned diabetes and me being a diabetes and they said that they did not know I was a diabetic. I responded that I did a good job then at hiding it in high school. I was self conscious about being a diabetic, because I had just been recently diagnosed when entering high school and still not sure about myself and being a diabetic, plus the new environment of high school really influenced the decision to do my best to hide the fact that I'm a diabetic. Not telling people came from a point of social insecurity and a fear of being judged for being a diabetic - fear of being judged as abnormal or odd in this feared being ostracized by social groups for being a diabetic - I felt that I had to fit into a group and that diabetes would be a group that was only me. I then developed a social stigma about being a diabetic and did not want to tell anyone that I was a diabetic and did all that I could to avoid anyone knowing, which meant that I would eat and not inject insulin and I would not test the sugar levels before eating or at all, and this frequently caused problems in the management of myself being a diabetic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others knowing that I am a diabetic, because of a fear of being seen as abnormal and odd because injecting insulin and testing blood sugars is something that is not `normally` done by people and in this define diabetes as odd and abnormal, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as abnormal and odd for being a diabetic because I have attached those definitions to being a diabetic within the context of a social community - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that when people realize I am a diabetic they are curious rather than judgmental and that I have allowed myself to give up opportunities where I am able to educate people on diabetes by answering the questions and curiosity by allowing myself to fear being judged for being a diabetic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that I am the only one that is judging myself for being a diabetic and that I am the only one thatis creating the stigma on being a diabetic and that this is not the case in reality - as shown by peoples curiosity when finding out that I am a diabetic - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from supporting myself as a diabetic through testing regularly and injecting insulin at the proper times by fearing being judged for being a diabetic because simply it is something that others don't have to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist telling people that I am a diabetic because I judge myself as odd and abnormal and I fear this judgment being relayed onto the person that I am telling that I am a diabetic to - in this allowing myself to hide any possible information or events that will lead to anyone knowing that I am a diabetic such as not testing in public and not injecting insulin in public places yet still eat like everyone else and in this attempt to make myself feel normal and like everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the attention that is brought to being a diabetic when telling people that I am a diabetic - fearing the same questions being asked - fearing my answers as they will be filled with judgment and insecurity and in this I fear showing a point within me where I am weak within - weak meaning insecure - within this allow myself to avoid social communication with others in an expressive self honest point because I am always consciously hiding a point about me and attempting to direct the conversation away from any point about that may involve me exposing that I am a diabetic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid any conversation that will lead to me exposing that I am a diabetic because I fear the social stigma that I have created onto myself about being a diabetic and in this allow the fear get to such a point that I start to avoid any social environments and avoid communicating with others equally - because I am always holding a point about myself back from being spoken about allowing myself to isolate myself further and further because I fear the social stigma I have created onto myself - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the social stigma about being a diabetic is real - not realizing that I am the only one that has created it unto myself and that it is in fact only an illusion because I've not been ostracized from society nor stopped from joining activities because I am a diabetic - it was all created by me and it was all an illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself and realize that all the fears and judgments that I was having on myself has been causing me to neglect taking proper care of myself as a diabetic and that I have been deliberately harming myself because of the judgments and fears that I have been allowing to direct myself within and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if the judgments and fears are causing me to neglect myself as life, they must go and I must stop participating in them and support myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the point myself judging myself for being a diabetic by sharing with someone that I am a diabetic and allowing whatever to come up in that moment come and answer any and all questions to the best of my ability regarding diabetes and to be honest with myself and them in how it can be difficult in managing diabetes and be honest with myself in how I am managing myself within having diabetes establishing an honest communication point with myself and others - in this letting go of the insecurity and fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand equal with the responsibility that I have unto myself as being a diabetic by stopping all fears and judgments about being seen as an abnormal person because I have a routine that many people do not have and inject and test the blood sugar in public unconditionally - taking responsibility for managing myself in the health of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that the reason I resist telling people that I am a diabetic is because I am self conscious about it and that in this self consciousness I am allowing myself to define myself as inferior to other always In Fear of the INFEARiority of others finding out that I am a diabetic - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I as a human am equal to all other humans and that to fear the judgment in really unnecessary on has only been shown to be a limitation on my life

I commit myself to sharing the fact that I am a diabetic when It is necessary and unconditionally and to face the my fear of my own judgment by letting go of the judgment that I have unto myself

I commit myself to show all other diabetics that having diabetes is not abnormal as this world is filled with `abnormalities` making nothing `normal` and that as a diabetic we have a responsibility to live up to ourselves to take care of ourselves as life and that is judgment and fear get in the way we must transcend the fear and support ourselves unconditionally

I commit myself to walking this point of judgment of myself for being a diabetic into completion as I notice that there is still remnants of the point within me - and in this I commit myself to being comfortable with myself as a diabetic and in this comfort support myself unconditionally by testing and injecting at the proper times