Friday, October 5, 2012

Day 175 - I want to Fight for Change


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for change because I believe that it gives me a sense of worth, a purpose in life, a place where I can put effort and time into for a cause that I believe will result in a better life - not seeing the fight for the destruction that it causes within me - the separation that it causes within me - not realizing that it is making no change within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the want to fight supports the fight itself - supporting both sides of the war - only for my own self satisfaction within the ego - believing that it is giving myself some type of Worth and that in this fight for change within myself to not realize that I am deliberately keeping both sides of the war fueled so that I can maintain that self satisfaction of fighting for something that I believe will create a `beneficial` change to myself as long as I keep fighting and as long as I keep fueling myself to fight - not realizing the self destruction that it is causing, not seeing the ineffectiveness of the fight because I am blinded by the desire for self satisfaction and the ego boost within the fight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the fight for change within myself because I hope that one day the one side that I am `hoping` to win will overcome the point that I am fighting within myself and that I will change eventually, not realizing that the point of fighting with myself for change has to incorporate both points that I am walking within (the change, and the same patterns) and that within the belief that as long as I keep on fighting with myself I will eventually change not seeing the fact that I am holding both points in separation of each other, holding onto the fight for a sense of self worth and in this not realizing that in turn I am participating in self loathing equally through the attempt to give myself worth through fighting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a fight does not exist within an agreement to live self worth, an agreement to stop fighting with myself and walk any point within myself in equality to both points, not fighting for one or the other, for example smoking was a previous point that I would constantly fight with myself in, and that each time I lit up a cigarette I would fight with myself in that action to stop smoking, and that simply if I agreed with myself to stop smoking, I would walk the point of stopping smoking, standing equal with myself when I would light up a cigarette without a conflict as I walk the point of agreement to stop smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight for a change because of the worth that I believe it brings me, and that the ends justifies the means, even if it means destroying myself in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree with myself to fight with myself for the sense of worth that I give to myself in the conflict, not seeing that self worth is living the change infinitely as the worth is there is the change that allows me to live a life of dignity without wavering from living the dignity unto myself, and that constantly fighting with myself is not going to allow me to live within dignity, but only cause myself to live in turmoil within myself because I am not agreeing with myself to walk the change, but attempting to fight with myself for change, not standing within the separation and standing equal to it as me and agreeing that a change is necessary and from there walking the point of change in agreement with myself without a fight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself with the hope that I will eventually overcome myself, not seeing that in the agreement to fight with myself I inevitably accept the separation of myself, accepting both points equally so that I Can fight with myself for a belief that I am living worth through the fight, when true self worth comes from living the change that is best for all as life without the need to constantly live in fight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight with myself because that is how I think that change will happen, not realizing that through the fight I am constantly living in polarity for an experience of energy, the good feeling of changing, and the bad feeling for living the same points over and over again, and that within this fight I walk in circles within myself without actual change

I commit myself to stopping the inner fight with myself over a point of change and to stop the desire to experience some positivity for fighting with myself for change, within this agreeing with myself to change for what is best for all, standing as both points as me in equality and walking the agreement to change within it without a fight for control

I commit myself to when/as I walk into a point that I am walking change within to stop any separation from myself in that point through stopping the fight within the mind for change, stopping the thoughts consisting of `fuck why am I still doing this, fuck I need to stop this` and walking with myself in the point of change in agreement to walk with myself in the point to change myself in the point

I commit myself to stop fighting with myself to give myself a sense of worth within fighting, and to stand equal to myself in the point and equal to myself in the point of change and walk change with myself in equality

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