Monday, October 29, 2012
Day 199 - Doctors Appointment
Ok this is going to basically be a ranting and raving blog post for me to write out my reactions upon visiting a endocrinologist today, and the points that I am walking through within myself and the reactions of myself in ego and the information that I've lived through as being a diabetic.
1. Working Night shift. So it was suggested for me to switch to another shift at work since I work nights. This was suggested because supposedly the hormones that we produce at night are different than the day and that if I am up all night it will be "Impossible" to manage myself within diabetes. I quote the word impossible.
The word impossible I reacted to. I reacted to it because it is like saying that I am not in control of myself, that I am only subject to these hormones that are produced or not produced during the night time hours. I reacted because I've been managing myself within diabetes for some time on nights, and I reacted because this system and what I am walking within this system gives no leeway in regards to any time for me to appropriately walk education, work, diabetes, and all other responsibilities that I've started to walk within/as this system. ….For a bit more context - I reacted the exact same way to this same doctor when I visited her a year ago and asked to be put on the diabetic pump for financial reasons, but since I was not testing at that time and neglecting myself within diabetes, she said that she couldn't help me, so I flipped. I got angry at the fact that I would be paying excessive amounts of money for the insulin that I need to live, pay excessive amounts of money to buy the strips that I need to monitor the blood sugar, and that in that time I did not have a job nor the financial ability to effectively pay for all the supplies that I need to effectively manage myself in diabetes.
So I got angry, the same way that I got angry when/as she told me that it is `impossible` for me to manage myself while I work nights - it is an anger towards myself for allowing this system to exist the way that it is, and how unforgiving it is for anyone that has to walk or take on an effective direction with their life. I reacted with anger towards the difficulty that exists or I perceive to exist in regards to walking responsibility and management of myself in being a diabetic and what I must walk currently within the system in regards to education to allow myself to move further within this system, keeping this job for the benefits to help support myself in diabetes, and being told that what I am doing is impossible for me to efficiently manage myself as if I am not myself, as if I am only a spectator of myself, subject to the hormones, to diabetes, to the system, to what I have to walk within the system. One other point that will lead me into writing the next few paragraphs is that she was saying that the amount of lows that I had is a bit too much as well - I do admit that going low at the rate that I do is excessive - I go low at least once a day - but what she was saying is that the lows that I go through are black and white and that anytime that I go low I run the risk of passing out regardless of my ability to intervene or take care of myself or to work with myself.
2. I reacted to what she was saying in regards to being hypoglycemic, that it is just black and white. That if I go low I run the risk of passing out and that is that. - Through getting to know myself through investigation of myself when being hypoglycemic and the amount of fear that is within me when/as being low I have come to know myself and walk with myself in being low…(I see that this is ego at the moment so read this with a `grain of salt`) and I've found that the fear within me is controllable, that I am able to breathe, calm myself down within the fear, stop the confusion that exists in regards to the constant thoughts and calculations within the mind as I am low, and in this not allow myself to get to the point of disorientation and pass out. There is also the point of me going low daily, or quite often from the time I've been diagnosed, which has been 8 years, and only passing out once, and I am sure that being high had something to do with that. Plus as I look at that time when I passed out, I see the fear within me, I see all the reactions that I was going through, I see the fact that it got to a point where I could not stand the confusion or the thoughts, or the fear and I allowed myself to give up and `shut down`.
I also reacted to this with fear, because when I passed out a few years ago when I was high and poorly taking care of myself within diabetes, my license was suspended. The doctor has the ability to suspend my license if she believes that I am not taking proper care of myself, because if I am not, and I am going low, then there is the ability for me to go low as I am driving lose consciousness and kill someone or myself. That is practical to an extent, but not to be over exaggerated, which I feel that she was doing in regards to placing the black and white veil over lows and losing consciousness. I reacted in fear, because if my license is again suspended, my life is severely limited in what and how I will be able to walk within this system, and severely limited at giving myself a better opportunity to walk further within this system, so I am glad that she didn't suspend my license, and I see that she knows that I go low daily, but for my measures, I always keep candy on me in case I do go low while driving or while working, and the point of going low while working happens almost every time that I do work, and yet I am able to effectively take care of myself and continue working as I support myself within the low. So there was a fear because it was painted black and white through theoretical information, and who I am and what I live within/as myself in regards to supporting myself within lows was not taken into any consideration within the black and white paint….
I will continue with writing this out and start self forgiveness if I am satisfied with the fact that I wrote it all out of myself tomorrow.