Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Day 200 - Don't Tell Me Who I Am

This is a continuation from my previous post - Doctors Appointment - and here I am apply self forgiveness on the reaction of being told information about `who I am` and simply not listening because I believe that I know myself such as within the point of hormones at night and the excessive lows


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the information told to me from the doctor that different hormones are secreted in the night than in the day and that these hormones makes it difficult for anyone with type 1 diabetes to manage their health within diabetes, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only believe and presume that the lows that I experience while at work is only due to the physical activity that work consists of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention and immediately dismiss the information that the doctor has shared with me through her education that different hormones are secreted during the night than in the day and that these hormones can affect the blood sugar levels, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to investigate these hormones, read up on these hormones, and look at the hormones within myself, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have worked on days before and I have kept a regimen that was on the `normal societal` schedule and that I still had the same `issues` the same `difficulty` the same patterns appear when/as I worked on days, I still had to keep food on me as I worked because I would still go low as I worked while I was on days, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the doctor within what she was telling me in regards to hormones, not allowing myself to look into myself and what I've lived over the past period of the job that I work and the various shifts that I've worked and to assess whether or not this information is valid within living it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react egotistically to the doctor and the information that she has shared with me, believing that I know myself better than what she does, in which case it can be true, but within the reaction I failed to share what I've lived within myself, and share how and what I've done to manage myself within diabetes in regards to working the various shifts that I've worked - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of defence of myself, defence of who I believe myself to be within being `right` within/as knowing myself, not giving any way to new information or knowledge that I can take and start to apply to my daily living and investigation of myself within/as having/living with diabetes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with the doctor over who is right and who is wrong within how to manage myself within diabetes, in this not allowing myself to stand with myself and the doctor within effective communication of/as myself within managing myself and in this not allowing myself to consider anything that the doctor is sharing with me as relevant information - only immediately dismissing the information as useless because I decided that I would, in that moment, fight with her over who is right and wrong within the opinion of how to best manage myself within diabetes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply work with myself within/as what the doctor shares with me because I am the only one who can effectively live any of the information that she is sharing with me in any given moment, I am the only one who can actually take the responsibility to investigate myself within/as the information shared and effectively understand myself within/as the information shared - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my starting point of going to see the doctor one of ego, one of needing to prove myself right and prove her information of myself as `wrong` not allowing myself to effectively work with her nor myself within/as the opportunity of having another person analyze my sugar readings and my living habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the fact that the information shared with me about hormones during the night is debilitating to managing myself in health within diabetes, react to this because this is what I must walk within the system at the current time, so that I can attend school - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply continue walking that which I must walk within the current time space to give myself the ability to provide a better life for myself and others as I walk further within/as this system through the education system - in this I see the reaction is absolutely futile, and purposeless because I will do what I need to do regardless of whether or not it will be debilitating on myself in/as health within diabetes, and that I will continue to do my best to support myself by having food on my at work and at all times for the sporadic lows that I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my information on her, what I've lived within myself, pushing, not sharing, just as I feel she was doing to me, not allowing for an effective communication to develop or exist between us, but in this I cause both of us to react with the information that we have within ourselves and fight for who is right and who is wrong within the information that we each have within ourselves, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share what is necessary for me to share within/as what I've lived and what I go through on a daily basis to help her understand what I walk each day, share with gentleness, share with me showing her, but to only fight for the information that I have lived that I have come to believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the fact that I've walked through the fear within a low and have been able to stabilize myself within the physical through/as breathing and letting go of the fear and confusion that exists - that separates me here from the physical - stopping the possibility of passing out as I ground myself here and do not fade off into unconsciousness by passing out through breathing and letting go of the fear - instead of realizing that she most likely has not lived this herself and is stating the black and white relationship between lows and fainting and in this has nothing to relate to what a low is like and the fears and emotions that one destabilizes themselves from the physical with, and in this fight, war with her, instead of walking with what/how she has lived within/as herself - not allowing myself to stop when it is pertinent in regards to seeing that I am fighting, but to continue to inflate my ego within who I believe myself to be within diabetes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for who I believe myself to be within/as knowledge of who I am in relation to having diabetes by using the knowledge that I've lived to attempt to dismiss any information or knowledge that she shared with me by using and fighting for who I believe myself to be within diabetes - believing myself to be ok in regards to managing myself within diabetes, being `better` within managing myself within diabetes, in this reacting to the information of things that I am still doing or living within my daily patterns and habits that are detrimental to myself within/as health as a diabetic - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove the belief of who I am as a `good` person within/as managing myself within diabetes and see me for who I am as the numbers or data do not lie, like I have lied to myself, and in this understand myself further in how to effectively support myself in diabetes and to stop lying to myself within the belief of myself being `good` within managing myself within diabetes.

I commit myself to when/as I am talking to the doctor about myself within/as diabetes to remain here in breath, to remain stable here in the physical, and when/as I react to any information, to stop breathe and assess the information within me, cross referencing what I've lived within past or any moment within my life with the information that is being presented to me to effectively see the information within my daily life and whether or not I can see it being applicable and if not applicable, be patient with myself, and not jump to conclusions and spurt out words without considering what I am in fact saying, being patient with myself and the doctor within/as effectively being able to speak what I am seeing within myself, and share what I am seeing within myself in regards to the information that is being spoken

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I commit myself to work with myself within the ego, and remove myself from the ego, remove myself from who I beLIEve myself to be, and to cross reference myself with the information, the data, the numbers, and see what I am living without myself lying to myself and in this seeing - stop lying to myself simply - stop lying that `I am fine` or that `I am good at managing myself within diabetes` and stop the polarity cycles between good and bad and simply see what it is that I am living without a belief

I commit myself to not fight with the doctor any longer, but to remain focused on myself and how to best and practically support myself within diabetes as I walk what I must walk within this system, stopping the reaction of being limited within this system, stopping the want to fight with the doctor/authority figure on the `unfairness` within the system, and to walk that which is best for me within the current time and space of what I am walking.

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