Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Day 215 - McDonaldsization and Responsibility Part 2
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life will be an easy process to go through when I was given mcdonalds for being seen as a good kid, when I thought that I had done nothing special - that I had not attempted to be within the definition of good and when I was only being. Believing that life will always be this quick and easy process to get a reward out of something - believe that I won't have to put in much effort to get anything that I wanted out of this life, all I will have to do is look the part and warp myself around the part in which I chose to play in order to receive a reward that I wanted
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I got off easy when I was given mcdonalds for getting stitches because I thought in that moment that I had done something wrong, something bad and that I was going to be punished for it because I made my father emotional and disoriented and confused about what to do with me when I my eye got cut, and then when I was told that I was a good boy for being complacent and cooperative when getting stitches assume that I was a good boy at that moment and that being a good boy will get me a lot of rewards in this life for putting in no effort because all I need to do is look good, I do not need to be good - and in this essentially create the secret mind of myself where I place the image of being good on the outside of me - present myself as being good - yet in the mind have thoughts and backchat of an `evil` nature and keep that hidden from others to not be punished and so that I could continue to get rewarded for looking and being perceived as being good
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect life to be easy, expect life to be filled with rewards for being good, expect life to be basically handed to me as I walk life because I had done nothing to be considered good when I got stitches and yet I was rewarded for being seen as good in this allowing the expectation that life will be easy as I walk it and take no effort on my part to create a life for myself in this world - that everything will be given to me as easy as the mcdonalds was when I got stitches.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smirk and smile in my mind, not stating anything about not believing that I had not been good, because I was going to get a treat, get a reward for doing nothing and that I was going to take it and, from my perspective, lie to get the reward because I thought truly that I had not deserved it and in this I realize that I have now come to expect things from life because I believe simply that I deserve it, that I should get rewarded only on the belief that I've been good and that I deserve the reward - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a reward because I believe that I deserve it - because I've upheld my end of the bargain by making myself seem like I am a good person and thus I deserve a reward for being seen as a good person such as what happened when I got stitches, and in this develop a personality wherein I only ever make myself seem like a good person, like I care, like I am a stand up citizen, in order to get a reward - whatever the reward that I would like, all the while keeping the thoughts and backchat about being cleverly deceptive under the mask of being a good person secret from others so that I am able to maintain the benefits and rewards of being seen as a good person in this system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consequently lash out and become incredibly angry at anyone who questions this personality or who stands in my way of getting the reward that I desired, using the mask of being nice and polite at first to attempt to get my reward then turning nasty and hateful if I have to, in order to get the reward that I wanted, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that having things easily given to me has created an eye for thievery and manipulation in order to work my way around any point that stands in my way of the reward that I want - be it money, or sex, or candy, or any form of happiness - in this developing myself, from that one moment of being given mcdonalds for getting stitches, to an addiction of positivity and happiness, wanting the most out of something for putting in little to no effort on my part to contribute equally to a reward - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the word reward within self interest where reward is my reward it is my own self gratification for doing something good or being seen as good and not within the context of what is best for all wherein the rewards from the effort put in is what is best for all here - all relationships that give life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was fooling the doctors and my father by playing the role of accepting that I was good for being cooperative when getting stitches - feeling deceitfully happy that I am getting mcdonalds for doing nothing out of the ordinary that I would normally do, and in being happy that I was fooling someone - start to develop and master the personality of fooling people into giving me what I want from them - manipulating them in some way to get what I want from them. And in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider all others as equals - to consider what I am actually doing to myself within/as the relationships that I've created when `tricking` or manipulating them into giving me something that I want - and to not consider myself in this either - not considering that I myself am fooling myself as well within making myself believe and live up to the idea of being good - creating and living a false personality - a made up personality all so that I can get what I want out of life - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand back from all this want getting and ask what I am doing here with my life - what am I creating in this world with all this deceit and lying to get what I want - and to consider who I am and whether or not I would be able to live with myself at death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live life with the expectation that I will be given everything for free and that everything should be provided for me for free - all the rewards that I want for free, all the benefits in life for free and without effort or struggle or effort to receive, not realizing that what I put into a situation or event or what I put into life is what I will receive, not giving myself the effort to receive the best life possible because I have not allowed myself to put in my best effort in each breath to give the best life possible for all life here - have not allowed myself t investigate what is best, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be given the best life possible without equally put in my effort to create and to equally give the best life possible - allowing myself to become an effective PARTicipant in giving and receiving what is best for all in this world
I commit myself to when/as I find myself expecting something for free without putting in an equal effort to receive for myself to stop in that expectation and breathe, and to in that realization that I am wanting something for free to dedicate myself to put in an equal effort to receive that which I would like for myself to give to others that which I would like for myself to participate equally in the give and receive equation so that I do not just want and only receive
I commit myself to changing from wanting unconditionally to giving unconditionally that which I myself would like to receive unconditionally from others in this world - not needing to receive to give, giving unconditionally simply because I would like the same for myself and in this checking my actions checking my effort put into that which I would like to receive in this world giving to myself and others unconditionally so that I do not want from others nor myself but give to others and myself wherein I receive unconditionally that which I give because I am giving to myself and others
health and breath and living in general, in diabetes, in nutrition, in care for the body, in living a satisfactory life without need or want - to stand up in that moment and take the responsibility upon myself to direct myself in the situation direct myself to put in more effort towards that which I would like to receive - giving more of myself to the output, thus stopping the expectation of receiving without giving but giving to myself as well unconditionally for myself and all life here - wherein I am able to give myself the best care within diabetes and consequently share what is best care with other diabetics, to give an effective understanding of myself in diabetes and give that understanding to other diabetics, to give myself an understanding of myself and to give that understanding of myself to others as well - so that they too can understand themselves - to give myself a life of quality and in doing so give quality of life to others - in this I commit myself to PARTicipating equally within that which I would like to receive from the equation - participating with the 1+1 equation in breath by breath to give to myself that which I would like to receive.