Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Day 221 - Pressure, Time, and Stress

Within the points that I am walking within the system - my time is very limited and very compact when I have to get things done. I am finding that I do not have time for anything other than my routine at the moment so when a point comes up in my reality that I need to direct, I stress myself out and put pressure on myself to find a way to get it done because many of the things that come up that are outside of my routine are really important to direct in regards to establishing where/how I will walk and direct myself within the future. Such as applying to university. I need to make calls to the universities that I am applying to, to ask if there is a conditional acceptance program so that I can apply and possibly be accepted for the fall of 2013 - but these calls take up time and where I am at within how I walk the system now - there is a very small window of opportunity for me to make those calls which is the time now, but I have dedicated this time within the week to writing this blog…I do see the self-limitation within this. So I have put off calling the universities to gather the appropriate information on whether or not I am able to apply for the fall of 2013 or if I need to apply for 2014 and as I put it off and allow the time to get closer and closer to the deadline of university application I am placing further stress and pressure upon myself to get it done and I am allowing myself to continue to put it off until I `have` the time wherein it does not conflict with my current schedule that I maintain and direct myself within. So within this I am worried about time, I am worried about the time that I have to continue to direct myself within the schedule that I maintain and am constantly worried about time and the amount of time that I have to work, to continue education, to write this blog, to walk the other responsibilities that I have accepted myself to live within, and to direct the situations and moments that come up that are not part of my routine.

Even within class now I hold off peeing until break time or until I get home if it is after break because of the fear that I will miss some important information while I am peeing and thus as I do decide to pee I try and go as fast as I can which is not assistive in myself in peeing because I am in a constant state of pressure and stress within myself to get things done as fast as possible in which peeing takes me being here with myself and relaxing ,so I have found that I have become constipated within peeing at certain moments when I don't allow myself to simply be here with myself and relax here with myself and let my bladder release itself and pee. I see in this that this is related to specific personalities that I am living within at the time of pressure and stress of walking this system that I am putting myself through - because my body stiffens up and I attempt to act the part, the part of the personality, act like everything is fine within me when it is clearly not because I am placing a lot of stress and pressure on myself….Ok

I am going to take this point of peeing and debunk it a bit further because this point of peeing is that which is showing me to direct myself within/as right now because it is a manifested consequence of what I've accepted and allowed within myself for a few weeks if not only days.

What not being able to pee is showing me is that I am putting myself through a lot of stress and pressure in regards to how and where within I am walking myself in this system and trying to find the time to get it all complete as soon as possible and that this stress and pressure that I am putting on the body is causing harm to the body through constipation within peeing. Like for example I was with a girl for a bit and I wanted to spend as much time with her to get the most out of the situation and experience in which I neglected to allow myself to pee when I really needed to - holding it back in order to jump into the experience much quicker and thus causing a backup within myself where I allowed myself to become under pressure to go through it as quick as possible instead of allowing myself to relax and be here with myself. So eventually I did attempt to pee but I just couldn't at that time - I was in fear of time - I was in a stall sitting down on the toilet attempting to pee - I had a full bladder and it was in pressure and yet I could not pee - I was within the mind thinking about time and how I need to get this out as quick as possible so that I could go back to the experience. I tried again to pee and relax and it started to come but as soon as I just started to pee I would quickly resort back into the experience of time pressure and stress within myself and thus in that moment hold myself back from peeing. Eventually I was able to pee - but this was only because I allowed myself to go outside where I was able to just relax and hear everything and just allow myself to pee with no stress of anything, where the ambience of the moving cars and the sounds of everything cut out the thoughts and I could be here and hear and relax with myself here. I notice that I create the same point within myself when/as I am out anywhere - I hold myself back I keep myself locked up in the personality suit that I created of having to get through anything that I am doing as fast as I can - the rushing personality - the quick and directive personality/character. And this is different when I am at my house - where I allow myself to relax and not enter any predisposed characters that I've created or attempted to keep up within/as me in the physical flesh and allow myself to be here with myself and relax and thus allowing myself to simply pee whenever I need to.

There are a few points to debunk and forgive in this - fear of peeing in public, time pressure and stress that I am placing on myself to get everything done and `live` as much as possible within the time constraints that I have placed myself within - the personalities that I uphold when I am in public, the fear of time and not being able to excel myself in that path that I am walking - relaxing with myself here in breath = meaning allowing myself to be here with myself and not constantly focused on the future and attempting to direct myself here from/as a future projection of what and where I would like to be within a specific time frame, even fear of exposing myself to others when I am in the bathroom, so I am going to start tomorrow within taking on one point at a time and walking myself through it - investigating the thoughts within self honest self forgiveness for allowing myself to place such as stress and pressure on myself within all the points above causing myself to exist in constant fear of what/how/where I will walk within this system and attempting to move through it as fast as possible - not seeing the possibilities that exist within the specificity but only remaining on one set course that I have already pre-defined and chosen to direct myself within - allowing limitation and stress and pressure when I come to a point within a belief that I am not able to do that which I would like to do.

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