Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 222 -Time. Pressure and Stress Part 2

The largest thing that I am placing stress upon myself right now is university application and the marks that I need to get in order to be able to apply to the program that I would like to get into - that I aim and plan on getting into - that I expect myself to get into. What I have done in regards to this is only investigated a small amount of information that I need in order to be able to effectively apply to university and have all the requirements that I need for the specific program that I am applying to in each university. Since I have put in minimal effort in getting the information I find that I am ill prepared for applying to university and am thus stressing myself out about what I need to do and the marks I need to get in order to be able to be accepted to the program that I am want to be accepted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put stress on myself over university application, to put stress on myself for not giving myself the proper opportunity and information that I need in order to effectively know how/when/where/what to apply to allowing the stress to build up over time as I continue to allow myself to procrastinate on this point because I have no prior knowledge of how to apply to university or what I want - and in this wanting this process to be done for me by someone else instead of living responsibility for this point - which I have started to do for myself within talking to a guidance counsellor and calculating the marks that I need to get in the courses that I am taking now in order to be accepted to the program that I would like for myself. But in this further stress myself out in worrying and fearing not getting the grades that I need - allowing myself to place stress and pressure on myself to get this done as fast as I can and as well as I can within the time that I have to apply in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out over applying to university for 2013 and stress myself out over getting the grades that I need, in this allowing myself to separate myself here from the courses that I am currently taking and the information being taught within the course through allowing myself to live in a constant state of stress and thus in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have an abundance of time and that I can use time to effectively assist and support myself in/as time meaning that I do not need to get this all done now - that I can walk through another year getting the grades that I need to get if I do not get them this time around and give myself the best opportunity to get into the program that I would like to get into for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write as fast as I can when learning information in the class that I am taking currently , allowing myself to jumble and confuse myself in the notes that I am taking because they are not properly or effectively organized in a structure or format that is easy for myself to read and understand the information within due to myself allowing the point of stress and fear and haste to run me through the course and information - attempting to gather and understand the information as quick as possible without actually giving myself a decent effort to understand or the ability to effectively apply the material to the questions asked, and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not calm myself down when I am in school wherein I allow myself to be here with myself breath by breath - without worry of the future and possible outcomes - but to keep myself stable within stopping the fear of applying to university by/as putting in the effort to know and understand what my options are within applying to university at this time, and thus direct myself accordingly within a specific direct point because now I am only directing myself within/as the approach to applying to university and not being absolutely specific within the university that I am applying to, the program(s) that I am applying to, the requirements of said programs and the options that I am able to walk within to best give myself the chance to be accepted to university, and thus in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse myself from taking this point of responsibility into/as my living actions through the fear of walking something that I have not walked before - walking something that I have never expected or even considered for myself within this system - because even as I wrote that point the entirety of what university means to me came up with a point of fear - a point of fear of not knowing what I am going to do in university - a total point of walking into the unknown, = where I will go - where I will live, how I will support myself financially and thus in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this fear of the unknown within applying and making the choice to go to university through/as putting in the effort to find out the correct and accurate information that I need to apply by excusing the fear and making the fear ok within the knowledge that I have a job now that later down the road will pay me money that I am able to live off of relatively `well` in this not considering myself and what I would actually like for myself in this world, because I in self-honesty do not want to live in this life for the rest of my life - I do not want to work at the job that I am working now for the rest of my life and I would like to be able to effectively support others in this world through placing myself further within the system within/as a point of responsibility for others in assisting and supporting them through giving them effective support to best assist and support themselves to do and live what is best for themselves as life in this world - I would like for myself to be able to contribute something that will help others in this society - which I realize is something that I cannot do in this current place within this system and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider the idea of not going to university and keeping the lifestyle/job that I have now - stating that I am essentially giving up on making a change within myself and giving myself the opportunity to assist and support others in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the excuses and fears of the unknown in regards to applying to university and to in this not let go of the fears of the unknown and give myself the time within the day to make the calls to the universities that I will be applying to and get correct and accurate information if I am able to apply for 2013 and what requirements or options available there are for me to apply to university and thus relieve myself from the stress and worry about what/how/when I am going to be able to apply and come to a definitive path to walk in regards to applying to university and thus give myself the effort within the time that I have now and here to best support myself in walking this point of unknown through not leaving it unknown within the mind and give myself the knowledge that I need in regards to how/if/what/when/where I will be applying to university and to thus within this stop stressing myself out about the constant projection into the future and give myself the responsibility to live responsibility for myself in the university application process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relinquish myself from the fear of the unknown wherein when/as I come home from school I continue along the same routine that I have set up for myself instead of doing that which I need to do in that time and putting off the routine for a bit - in this I see that it is absolute fear of the unknown at this point and time in my life wherein I am even afraid the let go of the routine that I have adapted myself to for an hour to support myself in the university application process by taking the time out of my routine to make the calls to the universities that I will be applying to to share them my situation and gather information on what I am able to do to best support myself in either waiting a year to apply or to apply when I can come next year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out about my grades right now, stress myself out over not getting high grades or fucking up at some point within the course that would damage my grades always allowing myself to exist in a point of stress while I am at school and while I am writing a test - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I am here with myself in breath within the course or while writing a test that I am here with myself in attention to what I am doing and awareness of myself within what I am doing and thus I give myself the best opportunity to do well on the test by stopping thoughts/feelings/emotions and stresses and give myself the response ability in breath to effectively learn and understand the material and support myself in tests

I commit myself to when/as I come home tomorrow after talking to a counsellor about university application and the process that it takes to do so - to call up some, if time permitted, all of the universities that I will be applying to and write down any pertinent information and any options that I am able to take or walk in order to be able to apply to university next year, and thus I give myself the responsibility needed to be able to effectively apply and approach the university application process and thus not wait until it is too late to gather the information and walk within the information appropriately


I commit myself to letting go of the routine that I have set up for myself in order to call the universities because there is a small window of time in my day where I am actually able to call the universities and thus within this I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself in the application of university by giving up the routine for the time that I need to call the universities and in this walk within the fear of the unknown - and in this I will be patient with myself in writing the blog, which I do at the time that I am able to call universities, until later on in the day - not needing to get it done immediately but being practical within the priorities that I need to be responsible for

I commit myself to stop allowing the excuse and thought process that if I keep this job that I have now and walk the rest of my life with that job that I will be financially stable to keep my fear of the unknown justified, and thus I commit myself to stepping into the unknown in being diligent in walking the university application process and walking all that I need to do within the university application process to stop stressing myself out about it and practically and specifically walk a direction and responsibility in regards to the university application process.

I commit myself to when/as I am putting of researching possible universities and the programs that they offer to in that moment stop the thought and breathe and in that one breath to direct myself to gather more information on the possible universities that will be applying to - considering whether or not they have a benefit plan for students as that will eliminate any if they have none - making the selection process more specific - considering the programs that they offer and whether or not they have co-op placement and to in this give myself the appropriate time and measures to effectively come to a decision and walk it here within the physical - stopping the illusion of university application or going to university from existing in the mind wherein I only fantasize about it and not take self directive willed action to walk the physical processes needed to actually apply and make a decision.

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