Sunday, November 25, 2012

Day 225 - Diabetes and Suicide

A friend of mine who works as a Veterinary assistant was telling me about a cat that was diagnosed with diabetes a few days ago. Today she read the consultant report of the family who owns that cat and has shared with me that the family is deciding to euthanize the cat because they believe that it is too difficult to take care of a cat with diabetes, from what the family has heard from friends who previously had cats that had diabetes.


This has occurred in me in similar ways in regards to suicide due to the perceived difficulty of walking this life with diabetes and the lack of support that this system offers in regards to anyone who must pay for medication to provide themselves life.

About a two years ago I was turning 21 which meant that I would be removed from my families benefit program and thus have to pay for my own insulin, test strips, needles, and all other tools that I use to manage and take care and monitor myself in diabetes. These tools and medications are not cheap without a benefit coverage plan and they were costing me at least $500 a month on top of rent, food, clothing, and all other things I had to buy. At that time I was working two part-time jobs that offered no full-time in order for me to be able to receive benefits.

As I was turning 21 I was distraught and absolutely frustrated with the fact that my life was designed this way and that this system is designed this way and offered very little to no support of myself in regards to being able to effectively monitor myself in diabetes. I was absolute unhappy at the fact that that existed and that I had to deal with not being able to get benefits and had to deal with spending that amount of money on the medications I need to live and at that time I considered suicide because I questioned - if I need to live like and if this is what life provides then why live at all?

From my perspective having to go through life in this system with having diabetes was going to be really difficult. I saw that there were going to be times where I would be absolutely limited by having diabetes and absolutely `fucked around` by having diabetes and I didn't want to go through with it, I didn't want to have to deal with the shit that I would have to face in this life, nor give myself the responsibility to respond appropriately to the abuse in this system in regards to having to pay, or not being able to receive the medications that one needs to live unconditionally. So I considered suicide as a `way out` as a way to not deal with the issues that I would/am facing as a diabetic in this system.

There are a lot of things that diabetics need to consider in how we walk this system and in doing so we are absolutely limited to a specific direction in/as life - I mean like right now I am not able to drop my job and focus on school because right now my job provides me the benefits that allow me to pay a fraction of the price that I would pay without benefits and thus I need to work nights in order to be able to go to school in the morning - I mean even within this I looked at previously in regards to my options within schooling and the ability to school myself now that I am too old to be considered by the system to be `under care` from my parents and must continue to work in order to support myself within having diabetes - this point came up recently while I was at work…At work I was working my ass off in the beginning of the shift until I hit my quota for the day - once I hit my quota I would stop working, sit down and study. I was reprimanded for doing this and I reacted with anger and frustration towards myself within this system in being limited in regards to supporting myself within school and felt absolutely limited because of diabetes - because I work where I work and I keep the job because it provides benefits and without diabetes I wouldn't need to limit myself in school and would be able to focus a lot more on school than what I am able to give myself now. So when points like this come up in my life I've gone towards suicide, especially with points relating to diabetes so within this I am responsible for the life of that cat because I accept and allow the same system of thoughts, same system of wanting to give up because of the perception that this life is too difficult and an abdication towards responsibility for myself in taking care of myself and walking this life with diabetes.

Death or ending it all, such as with suicide or the decision made by this family to end the cat's life because of the responsibility needed to take care of the point of diabetes does not solve a damn thing. I've been at the point in my life where I've written the suicide note and dialed up the insulin to a level that would end up killing me and at that night I planned to kill myself because of the same system of beliefs and thoughts in regards to this life being too difficult to walk with diabetes, and the same consideration of not wanting to be responsible for myself in living with diabetes, and the same wanting to give up because of the limitations existent within living with diabetes. Obviously I did not kill myself that night. And what I've realized from that time on is that death is not the answer within facing the points of limitation or difficulty - it is only an abdication of responsibility. I mean if I killed myself that I night I would, in absolution, abdicate and give up all responsibility for myself here in the physical - I would not be able to respond to anything that is here within the physical because I would be dead. I would not be able to see or respond to the foods that we consume as a society nor respond to the promotion of said food by the companies when it is absolutely clear that the foods that are being promoted and sold in the stores are a large cause in the manifestation of diabetes - I would not be able to respond at all to the points that are a cause of the manifestation of diabetes in this world, nor even give myself the responsibility to take proper effective care of myself nor investigate how I, within the relationships that I accept within myself, have caused the manifestation of diabetes within myself - and thus the point of suicide in regards to diabetes is only an abdication of responsibility from ourselves

The reason I write this out is because from time to time when I feel absolutely limited due to diabetes, and I am not able to live the life that I would like to lead or am limited in what/how/where I can place myself in this world due to diabetes the thought in relation to suicide comes up so in this I am still responsible for accepting and allowing that thought process in this world because I still allow that thought process within myself - therefore I will be writing Self forgiveness on this point in the next blog

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