Friday, November 30, 2012
Day 231 - Internal Conversation and Decisions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/as I am having internal conversations about a point within myself, about something that I plan on walking or something that I am considering within walking - that I am, in that moment, not deciding to walk that decision absolutely alone in/as myself for/as myself thus essentially making the walking of that point, be it stopping masturbation, or eating right, or curving coffee consumption, or literally any point that intend to walk, irrelevant and useless because I am thinking/talking to myself about it within the mind - in an internal conversation with a projection of/as a person that will relate to the point, such as a point within process I will chat with myself in the mind with a projection of a person also walking process within desteni, or about a point within my family, I will chat to myself in/as a projection of a family member, relying on the image and projection of/as the person/thing to assist and support myself in/as walking the point - not realizing that throughout all the times I have had conversations on these topics/points I have not lived the action in the decision to walk the point and thus through allowing myself to have the internal conversations based on these points I am allowing myself to not be effective within walking a single point because I've allowed it to be in separation of myself here in breath in the physical movements needed to physically walk the point and not only fantasize and think about myself in/as walking the point. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/as I am having internal conversations I am within a point of ego and if I decide to start walking the point through internal conversations, I am only allowing myself to further fuel the definition of myself in the point of ego within whatever point I choose to walk through internally conversing with myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the times when I stop the internal conversations and backchats and am here with myself there is a clarity within myself as I am not muddled down by the shit that I am allowing in the mind through internally conversing with myself, and that when I am here with myself I am here with myself and not within a point of ego and that I am allowing myself to, in that moment of clarity, be here with myself and walk myself here in the physical, because I've seen that when/as there is this lack of backchat and internal conversations that I am able to direct myself entirely and be here with my feet of the ground with walking myself in/through/with the physical and I am able to be here with the breath allowing myself to effectively direct myself, and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the importance of stopping myself in the internal conversations within myself and bring myself here alone to walk myself here alone within whatever point that I alone choose to walk for myself in breath, within one point at a time here with myself in breath and not for a separation of myself in ego and the definition of/as myself that I would create through the internal conversations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from walking any point, walking any decision for myself alone through allowing myself to have internal conversations with myself about the point, debating with myself back and forth within different separations of myself, in/as the different characters within the mind, not realizing that the point that I am missing is myself here in breath, that the point that I am missing is MYSELF in the decision to walk the point regardless of what or who exist in my immediate environment and to do this for myself alone - do this is stopping myself in the mind from the sabotage and separation that I've allowed myself to participate in - do this is getting myself to a point wherein I am consistent in the application of myself in monitoring myself in diabetes and recording the readings, in giving myself the time to effectively work within the education system, and in this not doing this for `anyone else` meaning anyone else in regards to the definition of/as myself that I will uphold through the internal conversation, but doing this for myself alone regardless of what I myself think of myself within walking whatever decision that I will make in a specific point in my reality, or whatever others will think of me in walking that point, and to in the decision to walk the point that I am implementing for myself and myself alone - not allowing myself to speak about a point until I am absolutely stable within the point and my application of myself within the point - because talking about a point that I have not lived in the walking in the physical processes needed is a clear indicator that I am walking the point for/as the definition of myself within the ego that I define upon myself in/as walking the point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am having internal conversations about a point - that I am lacking direction of myself within the physical within/as the point and that I am in that moment not deciding to walk myself in the physical within the point - I am only fantasizing about walking the point - getting myself `pumped up` with energy in the idealization of walking the point which leads to a `downfall` later on when the physical point comes up to walk the point here in the physical - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am limiting myself through having internal conversations about a point - limiting myself because when/as the point comes up within the physical I lack the direction needed to walk it here in the physical because I have not allowed myself to physically direct myself within immediacy of the point through allowing myself to have internal conversations about the point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/as I am having internal conversations that I am not in that moment deciding to walk whatever it is I am conversing about within the mind alone here for myself in/as myself in application of myself within the point to stop and correct myself within the point but only leading myself on an illusory path because that path is not walked step by step - breath by breath here in the physical thus the point that I am thinking about and conversing internally about is not real because I have not lived it here within the physical and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak about a point before I have walked the point here within the physical in/as breath and to only speak about it when/as I've walked it here for myself in the physical first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself clarity within walking a point here in the physical by allowing myself to have internal conversations about the point in separation of myself here in the physical within walking the point - to not give myself clarity by being here with myself and walking the point here for myself alone and myself alone - not needing anyone's validation or support or approval of myself walking the point.
I commit myself to being aware of myself in/as the internal conversations that I have on a daily basis because I see the extent of which I have internal conversations and projections about myself within a point and I commit myself to be diligent to stopping the internal conversations within a single breath when/as they come up and to unconditionally let go of the internal conversations and backchats that I have about a point and in letting go bring myself back here to myself in breath here in the physical and commit myself to walking the necessary steps for myself alone to walk myself within/as the point and to investigate myself within the point
I commit myself to when/as I am internally conversing with myself about a point that I intend to walk or plan on walking to one look at who I a projecting myself onto/as and see who I am with that person to see which character of myself I am attempting to immortalize within the ego and to then look at the point that I am planning on walking, and looking at the point that I am walking to in that moment either decide to walk that point here for myself without the need for approval or appreciation from another within or to drop the point immediately within one breath and let go absolutely from the idealization of the point.
I commit myself to learn how to walk alone without the need for approval from another and to be self respecting in the decisions that I make to walk by allowing myself to walk them alone without the desire to be seen - in this respecting myself for/as myself within the walking of the point
I commit myself to learning how to effectively solve the extent of the internal conversations that I have by learning how to walk alone in this life within the decisions that I make - in this not needing to project or share myself in the planning or intention of walking the points - but only sharing myself when it is relevant to the physical communication that I am having at a specific time if I have walked the point here for myself and am stable within the point