Monday, December 3, 2012

Day 233 - Love and Dis-Pair Part 2


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in despair due to the belief that I will not be with a significant other at this point in time within my life - allowing the feeling of despair because I have separated myself from myself within/as the desire/want for a relationship believing that I am not not paired up with another in this creating the feeling of despair - not realizing that the initial point within despair comes from the separation of myself as life in all the relationships that exist that form life itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within despair, not direct myself, but to remain in a state of limbo wherein I still allow the hope and desire and want for a relationship to run me and allow thoughts pertaining to a relationship to continue to pop up without correction nor direction allowing myself to live in a stagnant state wherein I direct myself within nothing nor give myself responsibility for walking myself out of the feeling of despair by/as giving myself the responsibility to stop the thoughts related to the want and desire for a relationship - and re-focus on myself here within that which I am participating within myself and allowing within/as myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a relationship will stop the feeling of despair within me when in reality I will only ever have myself and thus it is to remain committed to myself within walking myself on this Earth and to remain directing myself here on this Earth that will solve the despair as I pair myself back up with myself as life and all the relationships that exist that form life in the entirety of life itself and thus get to know the relationships, that I have separated myself from, that form life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the feeling of despair so that I can feel something because I see that by me holding onto the feeling of despair I still hold onto the feeling of love in the background of despair and thus I have not given love to myself nor life - love meaning doing that which is best for all and not just an insignificant infinitesmally irrelevant energetic feeling that literally does nothing here in the physical - have not given love by/as holding onto the feeling of despair wherein I've separated myself from myself through allowing the feeling of despair and the hope for love behind the despair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and do nothing but entertain myself and distract myself, when in the feeling of despair - distract myself from facing the point of despair within me and re-aligining myself back here with myself as life in breath and stopping the thoughts that are creating the despair and stand up from the despair and start to work on something - start to study - start to love myself by/as assisting and supporting myself within walking through this system - write myself out, or do something that will be supportive of myself in bringing myself back here with myself to stop separating myself within the thoughts and emotion that pertain to despair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the despair that I feel is due to the acceptance of myself in being separate from myself here in the physical - where I've allowed myself to participate in the mind within a want for a relationship or a significant other or a point of energy - and where I am not here with myself in breath within focus on myself here in the physical and get to know myself - stop wanting to pair up with another and pair up with myself here in breath in getting to know myself intimately within the mind and within the physical investigating each points self honestly and within being intimate with myself in self honesty to stop separating myself from myself and in this learn how to be here with myself in breath within stability where there is no want or desire to have anything that is not me here in the physical - obviously there are things that I need such as food but food does not need to come from a want or desire but a physical understanding of what neccessity is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude and mislead myself in the past few days through allowing myself to feel despair and wallow in the despair so that I could feel something - not realizing that the despair that I am/was creating was only because of the want for love - wherein each time I would feel despair a thought of love would be associated to the feeling of despair and I would thus hold onto the feeling of despair to as well hold onto the feeling of love so that I could, in a moment revert from feeling the despair into feeling love - not realizing that I am absolutely distracting myself with energy from that which is real and that which must be walked by myself alone in this life that I've created for myself and that I have only allowed myself to `waste` time by focusing on and giving attention to the feelings of love/despair which are essentially the same points only with a different charge upon them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by participating in despair I am doing the same amount of damage to myself in/as life because I was participating in the exact same actions of that in which I disregarded life while in the feeling of love and that despair is not a solvent to love nor is love a solvent to despair but the exact same point within myself, and each leading to the exact same actions, that I allow myself to abuse/manipulate/sabotage myself within and thus to participate in either feeling/emotion will lead to the same abuse that I accept from myself within either point in/as the focus on the energy within the emotion/feeling and not on myself here in breath and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship between myself and the feeling of love where I will ignore all other points in my life to focus on that feeling - same goes for the despair wherein I ignore all points in my life to focus on the feeling of despair - not realizing that the solution stands within who I am in relation to those feelings and emotions and not the polarity within each emotion or feeling - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not correct myself within the feeling of love and the emotion of despair by/as not giving attention to the energy associated within those feelings/emotions when/as they come up within me but to stay directed within the physical in breath when/as they arise within me and simply not give them attention - ignore them as I've allowed myself to ignore myself as life through participating in them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ingore myself as life in breath here in the physical by allowing myself to focus on the emotions and feelings and thoughts regarding love and despair wherein I am missing the simple solution of myself here in breath continuing to walk for myself within what is best for all - the simple solution of remaining focused on eating correctly, remaining focused on studying the material that I am learning in school - remaining focused on work and participating without emotion nor reactions within work - remaining focused on testing the blood sugars appropraitely and injecting insulin at the appropriate times and the correct amounts - remaining focused on writing down the blood sugars - in this remaining focused on myself and taking care of myself in this world not allowing myself to disregard myself as life for an emotional charge

I commit myself to when/as in the feeling of despair to unconditionally let go of the want for love that is creating the feeling for despair and within letting go to re-focus myself back here in breath and direct myself in breath within that which I need to direct within a given specific moment and when/as the feeling of despair comes up as I am directing myself to remain focused and ignore the feeling of despair - to look at the thought and remove the connection from it and then move on here in breath within directing myself in that which I need to do

I commit myself to unconditionally letting go of the feeling of love when/as despair comes up within me and to when feeling despair to use the dis-pairing within it to pair myself up with myself and make myself stable within myself as myself in breath not looking for another nor desiring for another to have a relationship with - and thus I commit myself to developing and creating a stable relationship with myself first and foremost - using the point of despair to not exist in a want or hope but to further develop the relationship here with myself in the physical and within the mental

I commit myself to when/as the thought of despair comes up associated to a thought about love to look at the thought at to disconnect myself from the feeling of love within that thought - giving myself the responsibility for myself within the thought and to when/as disconnecting myself from that thought to breathe and direct myself here in the physical - unconditionally letting go of that thought and the connection that I have to the thought/image/ within the mind in a breath


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