Friday, December 7, 2012

Day 238 - Playfulness After Stress

At school today I took a test. This test was stressful for me because there were things on the test from a few units ago that I could not remember correctly and was stressing myself out if I had the rules right to answer the question correctly. As well, after the test I was talking with a classmate about a certain question that seemed like the answer was obvious, but during the test he asked the teacher whether or not the obvious answer was the obvious answer to which she said no. So for context within this, the question was asking which molecule is a certain circle (regarding atomic radius) if this molecule is this size, in which another circle was given. The obvious answer that was there was the slightly smaller circle, but during the test he asked her if the slightly smaller circle was in fact slightly smaller or the same size, to which she folded his test over to match up the circles and said that they were the same size - making the answer that I put presumably wrong, which is to me a stress because the test is out of a low amount of questions so if I were to get one wrong it would drop the percent by quite a bit, and knowing that I potentially got that question wrong, it lowers my margin of error for the other questions. Plus I asked my classmates around me what they did for another specific question regarding material that I do not remember learning nor seeing within my notes that I completely guessed on. They as well don't think that we learnt the material and completely guessed on the questions on the test as well which again is stressful due to a further lack of margin of error and the fact that I guessed on it, and that I need a relatively high mark on this test to keep my average where I would like it to be.

Throughout the test I see that I was doubting myself in the questions that I was answering, and so this doubt and uncertainty with the outcome of my mark is where stress is originating from.

So after the test I found a lot of things funny, and I did not want to participate any further in class, I wanted to dick around and play for a bit and release energy from me from creating the stress within myself. I went into an opposite reaction of the stress wherein I looked for a lot of energy or a way to take this energy from the stress and release by/as becoming quite excited and using this excitement to play around and joke around with other classmates and people in my direct reality. I am as well looking for a form of entertainment to release the energy from myself, looking for sex, looking for something to distract me from myself in/as the stress via the excitement that I feel. And in this I am not practically directing myself here through the stress in/as looking at the causes of the stress but simply acting upon the excitement and allowing myself to essentially get out of control as I look for methods to release or act upon the movement of energy within me that is the excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the practical steps to calm myself down from the excitement that I've created through the stress that I placed upon myself within the test that I took - allowing myself to `get out of control` wherein I am not directing the thoughts arising consisting of ideas/pictures/beliefs/fantasies about what and how to direct myself within the excitement to build up more excitement - allowing myself to be in a very vulnerable state to doing something relatively dumb because I am not directing nor taking responsibility for myself in/as the energy that I've created through the stress within taking the practical physical necessary steps to release that energy here through the physical in/as either breath or physically working out the energy - stopping it from accumulating within the mind and be responsible for myself within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thoughts that consist of ideas and fantasies about what to do with myself within this level of excitement wherein I do not control myself within the mind nor control myself within the excitement that I feel but continuously look for a `greater` way to express the level of excitement or a way to release the energy within me so that I can essentially release myself from the energy within/as an orgasm or something of similar sort within/as participating in/as the energy within the excitement - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that sex being a large energetical release from the mind - that that is why the temptation to masturbate exists within me at this moment and why/as I am not controlling myself when it comes to sexual thought - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sit here with myself in/as the energy and breathe through it, breathe through the want to masturbate - the desire to masturbate to bring myself back here in breath so that I don't sabotage myself within masturbation by/as using thoughts or ideas about masturbation or people and stop and apply responsibility for myself in/as this energy within understanding how I've created it and where it came from and how to best walk myself through energy within what is best for all in this - which I realize is not allowing myself to continue within the thoughts and ideas about sex at this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I moved into the feed and breed system because I took the energy that I created from stress and through not moving within the flight or fight system transferred it into the feed and breed system wherein all that I look for is a way to use up the energy that I created from stressing myself out on the test within sex or gluttony and that in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand here with myself in an understanding of myself in how to effectively, within what is best for life, stop and walk myself out of the feed or breed system that consists on the same energy within/as stress just directed with an opposite charge - because truly it feels the same it is only that I am not so stressed out but the energy that I would use when/in fear in regards to the fight or flight system is how I feel now in regards to the feed or breed system wherein I am within an abundance of energy and wanting to release it within sex/masturbation and/or eating a lot of food to either suppress or compress the energy within me - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I do not know how to practically do what is best for life within this movement of energy then the best thing for myself at this time is to simply sit here with myself, breathe and calm myself down and investigate the thoughts and memories that are coming up related to this experience of energy and the lack of self control that I am exhibiting - lack of self control in regards to the thoughts that I am allowing within the mind and myself and the actions that I am looking for within the release of the energy - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is energy and it will definitely fade over time so accordingly it is best for me to `wait` this out and breathe with myself here and bring myself back to breath and stop the search for a release of/as the energy within sex/masturbation or gluttony at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is not to suppress this energy nor the want or desire to masturbate/have sex but to practically turn this point into that which is best for all as life - and since I am not 100% how to TURN this point into what is best for all - it is best for me to not act upon/within this stimulus of energy but to breathe and calm myself down to a point wherein the thoughts and images of sex/masturbation, video games, sugary foods are no longer coming up at such a rapid rate and to calm myself down from those thoughts and images so that I can practically be here with myself in breath and walk responsibility for the thoughts and images coming up within the mind, responsibility by/as taking each one on and putting an end to it within breath by/as when they come up within the mind to stand here with myself and breath and breathe through/as the thoughts/images and place them here within myself in/as the physical - taking them out of the mind where the energy is accumulating by the thoughts not being grounded, nor myself, and place them here in the physical in/as breath wherein they quickly fall apart within being here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in this feed or breed system not give myself self control of myself in/as the mind but to rapidly participate in the thoughts, and as I feel overwhelmed by the thoughts, to resist and start reacting to the thoughts in the fear of lack of self control wherein I consequently allow myself to become out of control and quite unstable in/as my application of myself here in the physical within/as the physical responsibilities that I have unto myself and others and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the rapidity of the thoughts rushing through the mind in the belief that I am not able to control them nor the rate at which they are popping up which only allows myself to feed the mind more energy by/as reacting in fear to the mind instead of standing equal and one within the understanding of myself in/as the thoughts/images and projections occurring within the mind to a degree in which I do not react in fear, nor separate myself from them, but realize that within being here in the physical in/as breath I have a stable point to approach the thoughts from and that in this breath always exists here, it is only my own choice to bring myself back here in breath and approach the rapidity of the thoughts from the point of breath and not from further fear from within the mind.

I commit myself to when/as I am within a very excited response to environmental factors that exist in my direct reality and end up within the feed or breed system, wherein thoughts and images of desires are rapidly coming up within the mind to realize that the rapidity is not something to fear, but it is who I've become within the mind at the current time and space and that it is key to understand myself in/as the energy and rapidity of the thoughts/images occurring within the mind to get myself into a point of practical application within responsibility for myself within the mind in/as the rapidity of the thoughts/images flashing before `my eyes`

I commit myself to not separate myself from the thoughts/images/projections that occur in the mind when/as I am excited within the mind and within a point of energy that is fast and constant, and within not separating myself from the thoughts and pictures and projections of the mind, take them and bring them here with myself in breath in the physical and walk them here within the physical - breathing though the energy within the thoughts/pictures/projections as I place them here within the physical in/as a point to release them within - because as I take the thoughts pictures and images and place them here within the physical in/as grounding myself I quickly realize how impractical and how impossible those thoughts are to exist at the moment outside of the physical and thus within bringing them here as myself in breath and in the physical I will quickly dissociate them from/as the connection point within the mind of/as energy within the basis of illusion


I commit myself to not reacting to myself when/as I am in this high energy of excitement and desire, but to understand myself in/as this system and within understanding myself by taking the time to slow myself down and clearly see myself in the system, to see where/how to practically do what is best for me as life and to not fuck around in/as the energy and excitement where it is more than a possibility that I will harm life rather than do what is best for it as me.

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