Saturday, December 8, 2012
Day 239 - 21 Days of Self Application - Saturday
This is the start of developing a habit of focusing on myself within the assignments and responsibilities that I have within each day - making sure that I commit myself to doing the necessary things that I must do within each day - such as recording blood glucose readings, homework for school, working on the DIP assignment, plus other responsibilities within each day. Today is Saturday and this is where I am starting - because Saturdays have been days where I fuck around with the time provided to me from the weekend, instead of working on homework and using the time that I do not have during the week to catch up on the responsibilities that I've been lacking within - prime example being the DIP assignment in which, for months, I've been resisting and putting on the `back burner` which creates backchat and instability in the mind because I hold it over myself instead of standing one and equal to it within applying myself in the material and applying myself in writing out the assignments and being steadfast in my application of myself within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when coming home from work after working Friday night and into Saturday morning - since I do not have school or any place to be or `anything` to where I technically need to be or do to allow the lack of programming within/as myself to take over wherein I end up passing out on the couch or immediately going to sleep on coming home after working Friday night, which in this allowance of myself - I allow myself to waste myself within time and not stand equal and one to who I am within the point of/as coming home and sleeping wherein I do not even try to walk with myself in applying myself in something else for the time being until the sun rises and I become more `awake` than I was previously upon returning home when it is still dark out - and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are physical things that I can do for a few hours upon coming home from work to keep my body up and moving and to not let it go into a state where no system is activated and I consequently go to sleep and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within allowing myself to go to sleep on Saturday morning - I am in that moment allowing myself to say this is who I am on a Saturday - I am going to allow myself to `waste` time by/as not directing myself within anything that I can do while I am here at home on a Saturday morning but allow myself to sleep because there is `nothing` that I NEED to do and thus I can `fuck around` and sleep for long periods of time and in this to not realize that I accept and allow the system of/as `fucking around` because in/as who I am within allowing myself to sleep on a Saturday morning and not use the time as I would on a weekday within going to school - allow myself to upon waking up - accept the same system of/as fucking around in time and not directing myself effectively within recording blood sugar readings, or working on homework from Friday morning, or applying myself in walking the material within the DIP lessons and assignments, or walking any other task that I have such as laundry or cleaning up the house or going out and doing errands for a while until the sun rises and helps me stay up for the rest of the time of the schedule that I keep.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when coming home from work on Saturday morning sit on the couch in a state of laziness and lack of direction where I end up allowing myself to shut my eyes and pass out and fall asleep for quite a few hours, instead of walking with myself in equality in that moment by doing something physical to keep the body active after work, not allowing it to become stagnant, but bring the body down from the physical activity that I've done at work, and in this direct myself within this physical within an errand that I have to do on Saturday morning, go outside and direct myself instead of staying at home and allowing myself to fall asleep eventually due to the lack of direction and the created exhaustion from working Friday night and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to direct myself within anything while I come home on Saturday morning, it is only that I am limiting myself in the belief and thought of not `having` anything to do - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been living for having to do - always in this chasing the having to do - not allowing myself to do under/as my own self will for/as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself when I come home from work on Saturday morning - but since it is Saturday and I have `nothing` that I `have` to do, I can shut myself off and fall asleep and avoid all the other points in my life that I can direct as well, such as homework, DIP assignment, recording blood glucose readings, in this not walking myself in application of myself - in the best application of myself in/as the points that I can direct myself within to best support myself as life - not allowing myself to be here with myself in breath and walk myself in that which I can do - moving within the fact that I can and not have to - in this applying myself for myself and not for the point of having within separation of myself wherein this have to is always about fear instead of self will here for me here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when/as coming home from work on Saturday morning, participate in backchat of what I can do and/or what I have to do that morning and as I participate in the backchat consisting of what I can do - lack the decision and direction of what I will do in/as self application of myself here - allowing myself to sit on the couch and contemplate what I will or will not do in the morning on Saturday in which I will consequently allow myself to drift off to sleep because I am not directing myself - I am allowing myself to shut myself off by not coming and living a decision of what I will do and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live an immediate decision of what I will do when I come home from work on Saturday morning in which I will not allow myself to slowly drift off to sleep - because I see that if I allow myself to participate in something that I am not entirely, in that moment, willing to participate in - I am going to allow myself to shut myself off eventually due to the resistance - and thus it is best for me to do something that I am `more willing` to do until I get myself out of that point of/as exhaustion and tiredness upon coming home from work on Saturday morning - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have to opportunity to walk myself through resistance on Saturday mornings and push myself to get homework done, work on DIP, focus on the other tasks that I can apply myself within - but in this I must also work with myself in/as the mind because if I push myself to hard within doing something that I absolutely resist in that moment - I am going to shut myself off and not be able to practically apply myself within walking through the resistance by taking it slow and easy at first to get myself out of the tiredness and exhaustion to be able to practically apply myself in homework or in the DIP assignment or within anything else that I am not wanting to do or move upon for/as myself and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from working on the DIP assignment or doing homework because I've allowed myself to place it within the `have` to do it which in itself suggests resistance towards it - and in this to not walk myself within the have to do it - to bring myself to a willingness to apply myself within the DIP assignment or recording blood glucose readings or homework from school
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to support myself in walking through the tiredness and lack of direction while I come home from work on Saturday mornings by walking an errand that I have to do which requires me to go outside and direct myself specifically to somewhere and something and as I remain directive as I come home from work and make that decision I am able to keep myself up for a bit longer and apply myself in getting myself out of the mind within the lack of direction within homework, or the DIP assignment, or any other task that I am able to apply myself within on Saturday morning and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this point of lack of direction is all up to me in/as how I will direct myself Saturday morning, and that I cannot manipulate myself into doing something, but I myself must come to the decision to walk through the resistance and apply myself within something on Saturday mornings to be able to best apply myself in my reality within completing and supporting myself in/as that which I can do in this world and that which has been offered to me - like the DIP assignments.
I commit myself to when/as I come home from work on Saturday mornings to not allow myself to sit down on the couch or lay down, and to remain directing myself within seeing that which I can physically do to keep the body active, and in this push through the resistance by making a decision of what I will do, and if that decision is something that I don't resist completely, then so be it, I will work with myself in/as the resistance and tiredness that I feel in that moment to walk with myself slowly and easy in that moment to best support myself to not just fall asleep as I resist
I commit myself to when/as I come home from work on Saturday morning to shower to help keep me up, start laundry, take the dog for a walk, then go to the market and buy food that I need for the week, make that food so that I have something decent to eat throughout the week, and after I've done all that, sit down with myself and walk myself through any material that I've learnt on Friday morning in school and complete any homework, and once that is all done assess the time that I have left within my schedule of sleep, and in this as well practically assist and support myself within sleep and the routine in which I've created to best support myself in diabetes and the times for meals and testing blood sugar levels
I commit myself to walking myself within the decision to do something when I get home from work Saturday morning, not allowing myself to contemplate about what or what not to do or what to do before I start to do what I aim to do - but to in a breath make the decision that this is what I will do within the tasks that I can work on and/or complete and walk myself here within the physical in/as living that decision - so in this I commit myself to when/as I get home from work on Saturday morning - to not think about that which I am going to do but be here with myself in breath and the physical and walk that which I am doing here within the physical - not within the mind
I commit myself to when/as I get home from work on Saturday to apply myself in breath as I walk through the door of the house and within directing myself - waking myself up if I am tired due to a lack of direction, making the decision to walk that which I choose to walk, and stop allowing myself to contemplate and think about that which I am going to do, making the decision to be here with myself in the physical and get done that which I can apply myself within.