Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Day 242 - 21 Days of Self Application - Resistance (Day 4)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make resistance seem more than what it really is by allowing myself to walk within the energy within the resistance wherein I allow myself to go back and forth on the decision to work on something immediately, thinking about whether or not there are `better` things I can do with my time - looking for excuses, any excuse as the why I shouldn't get down to doing what I am thinking about - in this making resistance seem like such a large barrier that I need to overcome, when in the physical reality it is quite easy to overcome because once I start working on what I am thinking about - all the resistance fades and is no longer such a big deal as I am working on that which I've been resisting
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely make resistance seem more than what it is because I then justify my excuses for giving into the resistance by/as making myself seem less than the resistance itself - in this wanting to not feel so bad for giving into the resistance in which I allow myself to make the resistance more than what it is in order to purposely play the victim to resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk through the resistance in equality with myself in the physical wherein as resistance comes up to move within the thing/point/task/activity that I am resisting immediately walking myself in the physical in the task that I am resisting and work on it here physically or do that which I am resisting here in the physical be it writing a blog, or making a vlog, or doing dishes - whatever it is - walk it within immediacy to assist and support myself to walking the point of self support and self application in/as my inner reality and the external reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much resistance I've actually been participating in, because in these past 3 days as I've been walking these 21 days all that is coming up within me as I approach almost anything is a form of resistance - to work, to school, to blogging, to working on assignments, to homework, to keep my schedule to support myself in diabetes, to recording blood glucose readings, and that if this is coming up now - I've always been participating in it - only ignoring facing it - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much opportunity I've wasted and given up due to my participation and allowance of resistance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even when I am tired or the experience of being tired is upon me because there is resistance in the mind that this tiredness is only a moment - a moment in which I am not making the absolute decision to walk that which I am resisting because I see that when/as I feel tired - I am contemplating within the mind whether or not I should go to sleep at the moment I feel resistance and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can stay awake when/as I feel tired when I am resisting working on something and not give into the feeling of being tired which is the mind shutting down because it does not want to face or look at that which it is resisting
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk myself out of the feeling of being tired by making the decision to be here with myself and work on that which I am resisting, to stop the thoughts pertaining to going to sleep or not, stop the allowance of myself being distracted by other responsibilities or things that I have a small importance upon by committing myself to the decision to walk that which I am resisting until it is done
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my life on hold because I've allowed myself to resist walking pertinent points in my inner reality and my external reality - putting it on hold by allowing myself to resist, and not taking directive immediate response to that which is here and in which I have the ability to direct in the moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I resist doing something I will scratch myself in specific areas of the body or an itch will develop on the body in which I take my hands away from working with what I am doing here in the physical to scratch that itch wherein I for a moment, take myself away from focusing on walking through the resistance to scratch a part of my body and that as I allow myself to scratch the itch I allow myself to give into a form of resistance and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of myself scratching myself and stop myself from scratching myself and bring myself back into focus of applying myself in that which I am resisting
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that resistance is such a difficult thing to move through - not realizing that in the time that I've allowed myself to resist applying myself practically and effectively in the assignments and responsibilities I ma able to do - I've accumulated this point of resistance which has `heightened` the experience of resistance and that in this it is going to take self direction and self will to get myself out of the experience of resistance and commit myself to applying myself daily through the resistance, no matter what comes along in/as the form of resistance to developing the point of self application
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this form of resistance will only last but a moment because it is energy, and energy will fade over time and that if I can remain constant in my application through the resistance it will fade over time, it is only a matter of `how much time` and `how much` self will I have within myself in a given moment to walk through the resistance - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can breathe with myself here in the physical as I walk that which I am resisting and remain here with myself in breath as I walk that which I am resisting to best assist and support myself through the resistance - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize that to effectively walk through the resistance I have to remain constant in my application of that which I am resisting while I breathe - because if I were to simply sit down on a couch with myself and breathe I am in fact giving into a delusion of self support because I have in that moment decided to not apply myself in/as that which I am resisting and go do something else that I have justified as support for myself walking through the resistance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the thought that says `no` I do not want to do this right now and `no` there are other things that I can do, and according go do the other things that I can do that are suggested within the thought - not allowing myself to effectively walk that which I am resisting and in this not even consider what I am giving up for myself in the resistance by immediately jumping on that thought that suggests for me to do something else instead of walk through the resistance and that in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that walking through resistance is in itself self application because I am saying to the resistance - I am walking this for myself regardless of what/how I feel, and I am making the decision to walk this unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing through the resistance because the experience of resistance is so shitty and I simply do not want to walk through the resistance because it is `so shitty` and in this I want the easy route in this life - not seeing or standing equal to the entire point of facing who I've become within the mind is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life because I've never been taught or learnt how to look at myself within the mind and the mind itself does not want to be understood because in not understanding it I cannot stand equal to it and walk within/as it changing myself in/as it to that which is best for all life - that I within the mind want to stay trapped within the mind and that it is up to me within/as my application of myself here in the physical to effectively walk through the mind and get to know myself within the mind and stand equal to it and change myself within/as it to that which is best for all life
I commit myself to work through the resistance to committing myself to these commitment statements by being self honest within that which I am allowing from myself within the resistance to committing myself to effectively living these commitment statements here, and in this as I write out these commitment statements - I commit myself to being aware of the point in which I know I am writing bullshit when/as I react to the commitment statements that I write in the point of resistance wherein I place myself in/as the point of the commitment and know that I am only writing the statements without an actually full commitment here from myself to effectively walk that which I am committing myself to
I commit myself to in these next 21 days to develop an effective support for myself in walking through the resistance to self application within the tasks/assignments/responsibilities that I am able to walk within my internal and external reality - and in this I commit myself to working with myself in breaking down the relationship that I've developed within/as resistance and to walk myself through the difficult times in resistance wherein I feel so damn tired and just want to shut down - walk myself through that feeling of tiredness by remaining constant and stable in applying myself in the physical in that which I am resisting - be it remaining stable in the physical act of typing, or remaining stable in being attentive at listening, or remaining constant in focusing on homework or that which I am doing at hand
I commit myself to stopping myself from scratching myself over and over and over again while I am in the point of resistance and as my hand comes up to meet my face or chest or arms or legs or head to in that moment bring my hand back down to doing that which I was doing - bringing it back down to typing, bringing it back down to placing the pencil on paper and continue in applying myself and as I am applying myself to remain aware of myself in breath and continually apply myself through the feelings of itchiness or the feelings of tiredness
I commit myself to in these next 21 days make sure that I develop an effective and substantial effort to walk myself through resistances on all fronts - walking myself through the feeling of being tired, walking myself through the excuse I make to not work by realizing that I am making an excuse and living in an illusory feeling/experience that I am creating by allowing myself to resist working on that which I am working on.
I commit myself to walking myself here in the physical through the resistance that I feel - first facing the thought of/as resistance and getting myself to the starting point of working here within the physical and to be here with myself in breath - stopping the thoughts and resistance - as I work on the things or do the thing that I am resisting