Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Day 243 - 21 Days of Self Application - Resistance Part 2


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about resistance and think that it is so damn uncomfortable, which allows me to create the experience of being uncomfortable when I am resisting something - allows me to feel like I want to jump out of my skin and run, not realizing that the initial thought about resistance and it being uncomfortable allows me to create the experience of resistance being uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to essentially give up on myself time and time again as I allow myself to resist supporting myself in doing the things that I resist - such as the DIP assignment, or daily writing down the blood glucose readings throughout the day - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've resisted actually supporting myself - because what is working on DIP - support for myself in understanding myself - what is writing down the blood glucose readings? - support for myself in understanding myself within diabetes - and that as I resist writing the assignment out and resist writing down blood sugar readings - I am in fact resisting supporting myself as life - and in fact accepting myself in limitation to what/how/where I will support myself - not allowing the support of myself to be unconditional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the experience of being tired when I am resisting something can be stopped by making the decision to do the thing that I am resisting by/as being here with myself in breath and walking myself through the resistance breath by breath - wherein the experience of being tired is not projected onto the thought of/as doing the thing that I am resisting by being here with myself in each breath participating in each footstep, in each character written or typed, in each blink, and in awareness of myself in the physical - and in this awareness direct myself to work on the thing that I am resisting working on - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired by thinking about doing that which I am resisting - thinking about the time that it will take to do it - think about the time when I will do it - and in this thinking - resist walking the physical steps necessary to bring myself to doing it, wherein I allow the mind to shut down because I, within the mind, create the idea about the physical steps to do it and thus as I walk the physical steps - the idea associated with the physical steps that I accepted when resisting as I thought about that which I resisted will cause that feeling of tiredness as I walk myself in the physical steps within the subject/task that I've resisted - allowing the mind to take the idea of the experience from the past thought and use it to create the experience now - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order for me to definitively get past the tiredness of the resistance - I would need to walk myself through the resistance initially and get myself to a point that I have not thought about yet and created an idea of the experience that I will have - to give myself the opportunity to trust myself by/as walking through the resistance and to as well get myself to a point wherein I don’t feel tired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of that which I will be walking and have a pre-programmed idea of that which I am resisting and how `shitty` that experience will be allowing myself to in fact create that shitty experience as I start walking - and cause myself to have to walk through that shitty experience because I created and accepted and allowed it in the first place through the participation and acceptance of myself within the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself as I push through resistance and in this being hard make myself resist that much more because I am pushing the mind so hard that it will fight back just as equally hard - and that in this I allow myself to not want to do a damn thing over time because I've not allowed myself to be easier on myself when walking through resistance - giving myself time to just do nothing for a bit when in the resistance - meaning as I am doing homework and I am resisting putting in effort into the homework - to open up the book and sit with myself for a bit doing nothing - not resisting by/as sleeping or by distracting myself but give myself time to be here with myself and get myself out of the experience of resistance and slowly put in effort into the homework and start off slow with myself to make the transition a bit easier on myself within the mind - but in this make sure that I am honest with myself in my application of sitting and being with myself for a moment before I walk the resistance in that honesty see whether or not it is a point to further resist or a point to assist within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with myself in the resistance by slowly applying myself - slowly applying myself within taking `baby` steps first in my application within the resistance and not immediately trying to move through the `bulk` of the resistance - for example, when/as I experience resistance I will either resist or become `serious faced` and push very hard through the resistance jumping onto writing or vlogging or that which I am resisting and not clearly being here with myself in the process of/as participating in the thing that I am resisting because of myself rushing into it out of support for ego believing that I am strong enough to push through it roughly, not being self honest with myself in/as realizing that when/as I do that I only do it for a moment and then I quickly relapse into resistance which is not an effective or supportive approach to myself in resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn how to be easy with myself in resistance because in the experience of the resistance being so damn uncomfortable - I will accordingly allow myself to act in the opposition of the discomfort wherein I push myself as hard as I can through the uncomfortability in hopes and attempts to get to a point where I am again comfortable - not realizing that this approach to resistance is not what is best for me in/as resistance because it does not offer an effective lasting solution to myself in resistance because as I am in resistance I am fighting with the resistance constantly and attempting to move as fast as I can through the resistance - in this projecting myself into a hope of an experience of comfort or `easiness` after I walk through the resistance - not allowing myself to focus and pay attention in participating in the thing that I am resisting doing to be able to apply myself in the best way possible within the activity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/as I am uncomfortable within the feeling of resistance the best thing for me to do is to calm myself down in the resistance wherein I do not move fast and hastily through the experience of resistance but in calming myself down, allow myself to pay effective attention and give proper focus on myself in what I am resisting and slowly walk myself through it in a pace with breath - not rushing in the mind in the attempt to get out of the resistance but walking within it/as it

I commit myself to when/as I am feeling uncomfortable when I am walking within resistance to do my best in calming myself down within the resistance, to do my best at bringing myself back here to breath in physical awareness of myself in/as breath to best be able to support myself in walking through the resistance without attempting to run through the resistance because of the feeling of discomfort.

I commit myself to working with myself more easily within the resistance - taking things slower than I have been walking with myself - and not expect more than what I am capable of in/as who I am within the current moment - not expecting myself to be absolutely strong in walking through the resistance - but working with myself in/as my weakness within the point of resistance - because I've clearly shown my weakness within/as resistance throughout these past months in realizing all that I have been putting off until a later time because of the resistance

I commit myself to being patient and steadfast with myself in my application of myself through resistance and working with myself in/as the resistance and not necessarily `against` the resistance, in which how I've recently approached myself within resistance, to best be able to practically and effectively support myself in walking through the resistance that I've been living within in regards to applying myself effectively in my immediate reality and the responsibilities I've given myself

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