Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 245 - 21 Days of Self Application, Stress and Resistance


In Chemistry class we were talking about the organic chemistry and how simple compounds are used for health problems, but with the influence of the pharmaceutical industry these compounds are rarely used and are `kept secret` from patients. Anyways, a girl asked if there was any simple way to treat psoriasis using chemical compounds, to which the teacher replied, "it is classified as an incurable disease". She said this because the skin issues of psoriasis is related to stress accumulated within the mind, the stress creates the skin issues. So what I've found within myself in the past few weeks is that I've been building up rashes and skin issues that really make my skin itch. It is across my body, the arms, head, legs, buttocks, many places - and so this I can relate to the stress that I've been placing myself under.

For example - as I was writing the previous blog, I was absolutely resisting being here with myself and writing it for myself through the resistance to doing it, and as I was resisting writing it, I was placing myself under stress of getting it done because I did not want to complete it and was making writing it much more difficult by allowing the resistance to direct me and allow stress to accompany the resistance - so as I was writing it my body reacted within itchiness being brought up all over the body, and I wanted to stop everything and scratch the hell out of my body, it was difficult to have that itchiness there and not scratch and breathe through the want to itch and wait until the itchiness settled.

By her saying that psoriasis is related to stress I saw how within the resistance that I am going through within applying myself effectively within my world and walking the points of responsibility in that which I resist I am placing myself under extensive stress each and every time that I decide to walk a point of responsibility that I resist, and this stress has accumulated to a point where it has manifested rashes and points of periodic itchiness on the body. Within looking at this point of stress, I find that I am not walking the points of responsibility for myself - such as within the definition of "Having" to take responsibility, "Having" to be Responsible, and in this having, I've separated myself from myself within walking the points of responsibility in equality with myself. I've realized that I have not been walking for myself but in a constant projection of `being` a responsible person and projecting this definition onto myself through the eyes of other people, so within allowing this point to remain as I walk any point of responsibility, I've never walked a point, in absolution, for myself entirely. I have not walked these blogs here for myself, not walked managing myself within diabetes here for myself, not lived the point of responsibility here for myself and this is what is causing the stress.

By not walking the point of responsibility here for myself in equality and oneness within the decision that I am walking a point of responsibility for myself, I will allow the resistance to build up, I will stress myself out about the resistance and constantly fight with myself by attempting to live the point of the definition of/as responsibility via a projected idea and not as who I am and who I decide to be within living the point of responsibility - thus I am not living it here for myself in/as the realization of what responsibility is to me and who I am within responsibility within/as moving in responsibility for myself alone for as the principle of what is best for me, but I've only allowed myself to move within responsibility for the projected idea and perception of myself as being responsible, which I've come to realize I am not living in absolution because I will quickly allow myself to fall when I have no one around and when I am alone at home, not being peered upon by other's eyes.

This point of resistance and stress cannot last for long within me because I will either build up the stress to a point where I am going to cause a major illness to myself, or I will allow myself to fall within resistance due to the accumulated stress within the projection of `Having` to be responsible, such as when there is no one around and I can `fuck off` for a while I will allow myself to do so because I see it as no one around needing me to be responsible for them, but I see within this that I have missed the biggest point within all this and that is myself. It is best for myself to be responsible for myself and live responsibility for myself, and not for anyone else, it is best for myself to be diligent in application of myself within the responsibility and walk it here for myself and apply myself for myself in/as creating my life within what is best for myself as life, giving myself a dignified life via living the point of responsibility for myself, which is not what I have been doing.

Each time that I walk a point of responsibility I push myself really hard to go through it. I push myself intensely to walk myself through it, such as shown within the blog that I previously wrote, wherein even though I was itchy on the majority of my body I still pushed myself to write it out, I still pushed myself intensely to write out the blog, and I tried as best I could to breathe through the itchiness, to allow the itchiness to be and not scratch it….and within this, I pushed myself to get it done as quick as possible to remove myself from the experience of stress and resistance, I was trying to run as fast as I could within the physical in/as posting it as fast as I could, writing it as fast as I could to get myself out of the experience of that itchiness and stress. I see that I could've been patient with myself and take a moment away from writing the blog to stand the back and assess what I was participating in, to take a moment for myself and be here with myself and calm myself down from the experience of stress and resistance and get to know myself in that moment and see how it is best to approach myself in that situation, but the point of getting it done within the projection of the definition of responsibility affected my movement within writing it and it was not me here writing it for myself to best support myself within the point of resistance.

In the next blog, I am going to write out the thought dimension in which stress is accumulated and the resistance to living the responsibility is created in/as separation.

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