Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 247 - 21 Days of Self Application - Starting Over

In the past 2 days I cannot say that I've been applying myself effectively within the my life or within any of the tasks that I had to do. I gave into resistance and slept for much longer than I normally would in order to avoid facing the resistance and as a point of escape from the stress that I was putting myself under. It didn’t help in any way whatsoever, only compounded things if anything.

Now I am restarting this process of 21 days of application of myself within the tasks that I can take on and complete, And apply myself in walking through the resistance not fearing the resistance or avoiding the resistance. Apply myself in stopping the fall in the face of resistance, stop submitting to the resistance, and work within it as it comes up in each moment and aspect of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking through resistance, fear the discomfort that it will bring me, fear the hell that it periodically feels like, and react to resistance with fear, not realizing that if I were absolute in my decision to move through resistance, I would not allow things like this fear of resistance to deter me, not allow the discomfort that I feel to deter me, not allow the feelings and stresses that I place myself within/as the resistance to stop me from walking through the resistance, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break and my breaking point within the resistance wherein I now have to walk through the process of applying myself in my reality within self will again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the face of resistance because of the stress that I was palcing on myself within holding myself in separation from myself in self will and applying myself in my reality, not considering that I must deliberately change and walk a new structure of myself within applying myself in my reality within taking on the responsibilities that I have been given within school, within DIP, within studying, within these blogs, within diabetes management, within work, within all points of responsibility - and in this to allow the stress of myself to build to a point wherein I want to give up walking anything any more, give up the stress that I've placed on myself by sleeping it away, not realizing or understanding that sleeping is not the solution to resistance and stress, if anything it only compounds the problems, because they still exist within the relationship of myself within the mind towards responsibility, and as I sleep these issues compound because I am not facing them, working through them within the physical reality, but only allowing myself to do nothing about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have fallen, and that I have done an injustice to myself, not seeing that the fall was because I failed to consider the fact that I was placing myself under stress and placing the body under stress as I was walking the point of applying myself in my life to take on more responsibility and pushing myself and forcing myself to take on more and more responsibility than I was able to effectively handle within a breath due to my acceptance of the relationship of responsibility being one of separation and myself within the fact that I've not wanted to live within the point of responsibility - in this attempting to push myself far to hard through the points of responsibility wherein each time that I would resist I would push myself extensively hard to go through the resistance in which I resisted heavily, in this being a dictator of myself and not walking with myself in my capacity at the moment to slowly break down the relationship that I have developed towards myself in responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to consider myself in who I've become and what I've allowed within the point of resistance and responsibility and fail to work with myself in who I've become by projecting an idea of who I should be within the point of responsibility and resistance and push myself extensively hard to work with myself to become that point causing myself to build up stress within myself by pushing myself hard within the separation of myself in who I've become and what I wanted to be within the perception and idealization of myself in responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idealize who I should be within the point of responsibility and attempt to live up to that idealization instead of working with myself in slowly breaking down the system of who I've become within the point of resistance and responsibility and be gentle with myself in applying myself through the resistance and not push myself to the point where I accumulate a point of stress due to failed considerations myself within the point of facing and walking through resistances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with who I am within the points of resistance and responsibility, working my way to how I would like to live myself within living responsibility for myself in my world in doing the things that I need to do to give myself a life of dignity and give myself integrity, wherein I go easy on myself within working with myself in living within the point of responsibility, not immediately jumping into attempting to do everything at once

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push and force myself to move within the point of responsibility to the extent where I stress myself out over getting everything done and pushing through all points of resistance, essentially sabotaging myself by moving too forcefully with myself and end up falling because I failed to consider what I am capable of in this point in time in/as the application of myself, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself accumulating stress upon myself and realize that this is not the best way for myself to move myself through resistance

I commit myself to going easier on myself in these next 21 days as I apply myself through walking resistance and to stop separating myself from the point of walking responsibility and work with myself in relaxing and calming myself down within walking through resistance to best not build up stress and slow myself into working on the points of responsibility and resistance

I commit myself to work with myself in applying self will to not push myself or force myself beyond my capability but to understand where my limits at this moment stand and slowly push myself within those limits gently and easily to not allow myself to react within the system and fuck off for a few days, and in this I as well commit myself to going easier on myself as work and not make myself work so hard to receive extra pay, to not make myself to physically exhausted while attending school and allowing myself to reserve some energy to continue to apply myself effectively and school and within the responsibilities at home and online

I commit myself to being steadfast in my gentleness and easiness and steadfast in my application of facing my limitations and walking through them in pace with breathing to slow myself down and relax with myself here in breath, paying attention and focusing on myself to be here with myself in each point that I am walking be it work, DIP, studying, schooling, homework, blogging, diabetes management, whatever it may be, giving myself focus and attention on one thing at a time and in this I commit myself to when/as I am thinking about the next thing that I have to do or all the other things that I have to do, to breathe and be here within that which I am doing and apply myself entirely here within that which I am doing in the moment


I commit myself to keep on working with myself in this point of self application and walking within that which I resist and applying myself within that which I resist, be it big or small resistances, to walk myself through it and apply myself effectively within it, stopping myself from projecting myself into the idealization of who I should be within the task or what I should do within the task, working with it breath by breath to best not sabotage myself when applying this point of self application and will.

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