Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Day 249 - 21 Days of Self Application - Stress

Today was exam day for the chemistry class. I was completely stressed out during the exam because there were questions on the exam that just got to me. I didn’t know how to work with those questions or what to write according to what the question is asking and there were questions in which I wasn't sure how to use the correct formulas. So I thought I was prepared and as I find out that I am not prepared and failed to review some of the material on the exam I started to stress myself out. There was one question in which I wasn't reading the formula for correctly and could not get any of the multiple choice answers as I would plug the numbers into the formula. I tired this question over and over again and I started to stress myself out and get very tunnel visioned where I would only focus on the one question and try and try and try again to rework the equation, manipulate the numbers to get somewhere close to one of the answers, and in doing so I placed myself under stress about that one question in which I carried into the rest of the answers wherein I would become tunnel visioned and not breathe in looking at the entirety of the question, breathe and look into myself within the information that I hold and allow it to come to me, meaning like as I stress myself out, I create a pinhole within myself in which I try and force information through, try and force the answer through, its like information constipation, and in constipating myself through creating this pinhole in which I am trying to look through and pull out information from myself I realize that I missed a lot of information and that in stressing myself out I heavily limited myself from accessing myself within the information. I realized after the test and after I let go of the stress I was placing on myself while writing the exam that I didn’t need to put myself through all that shit. I could have stepped back from it all, separated myself from the stress, separated myself from the value and association to the exam and look at it with a clear mind, but too little to late, I will have to walk the consequences of allowing myself to stress myself out during the exam and correct it as I walk the point of stress again.

The other point in which I need, and will be here, to correct is what I allow myself to do and be after experiencing stress, where I allow myself to fuck off and go into the mind within searching for a salvation from the stress. So as I got home from the exam, I allowed myself to eat half a bag of chips, and play video games for a while….still within the narrow vision of the stress….man, I went to the washroom after the exam and looked in the mirror and my eyes were completely bloodshot and glossed over due to the stress I was placing on myself and the schedule that I work within….anyways, within the narrow vision of the stress I allowed some of the dumbest movements within managing myself in diabetes. I allowed myself to inject, not nearly enough insulin for the food that I ate, and I was aware that I was doing this but it didn’t kick in that it was a dumb fucking decision, in that moment the fact that I was aware that I wasn't injecting enough insulin didn’t kick me in the face to get myself out of the reaction of/as stress and the want to ignore and find salvation from it, I allowed myself to continue to ignore the stress by playing video games instead of facing the stress and by/as facing the stress write it out and forgive myself for allowing myself to sabotage myself by creating the stress and participate in ignorance of the stress.

This is the same thing that I went through on the weekend, wherein I decided to start over. I allowed myself to ignore the stress and not do a damn thing about it causing the same manifested consequences of high blood sugar and ineffective participation of myself here in the physical, and I allowed myself to participate in it throughout the weekend instead of directing it as I am doing now, I see that I am directing it now because as I awoke not too long ago I was angry at myself for allowing such a point to exist within myself and to sabotage myself within and as I am writing this out now the anger is faded because I've decided to do something about it instead of play victim.

The points to consider within myself as I was writing the exam is the stresses I was placing on myself for not knowing one question and the difficulty I was giving myself in answering the question by not properly looking at the formula, by not breathing and opening myself up to looking at the formula, but creating a tunnel vision of the simple things that I must look for and plug into the formula, and this goes for throughout the rest of the test as well, and even for my actions when I arrived home, wherein I was still within the tunnel vision and energy reactions of the stress, and consequently didn't allow myself to see myself in absolute awareness of what I was participating in because of the tunnel vision and the want to escape the stress by eating and playing video games.

I see that I didn't walk myself slowly out of the stress by not doing anything, meaning if I were to come home and sit with myself and breathe and slowly start myself on writing out the stress, I would be able to work with myself in/as the stress and walk myself out of it, but by immediately coming home and deciding to play video games and eat the half bag of chips I didn’t allow myself the time to work with myself in/as the stress but only avoided it by focusing my attention elsewhere instead of here on myself in who I was within that moment.

Tomorrow I will be writing further Self forgiveness statements and correction statements on who I am within stress and what I allow myself to do within stress and how I am able to practically walk myself out of the experience of stress and how to work with myself when I am stressed.

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