Sunday, December 23, 2012
Day 251 - 21 Days of Self Application - Support in Sickness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into extremes within supporting myself in sickness, extremes meaning being absolutely lazy when/as I am sick as opposed to be continuously moving and always needing to get something done when I am not sick, giving myself this time when I am sick to walk into the opposite extreme where I do nothing and get nothing done and do not support myself practically when/as I am sick, only entertain myself and sleep as much as I can, not realizing that it is pertinent to question myself in these actions of whether or not they actually assist myself in the sickness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still want to get everything done and live within the same routine that I live within when I am not sick, still allowing myself to put pressure on myself from/as the thoughts regarding having to do this at this time and I must get this thing done, instead of being here with myself in breath and getting done that which I can practically do within the time that I am sick and if I am too sick to move and finding it very difficult to stay up and active then to let all the objectives go and support myself by resting with the body, not allowing myself to go into the projection of still having to do this or that, thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move for myself in/as practical support for myself by doing that which I can do in a moment without fear of still having to do things, fear of still having to write this blog within a specific time frame, fear of still having to maintain and test and support myself within diabetes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am living for/as another point in life in separation from myself, that I am not moving for myself in/as writing this blog or managing myself in diabetes - I am attempting to live up to an ideal of myself and fighting with myself the whole way within my participation in the mind, dictating myself to get this done at this time and putting pressure on myself to get it done by/as thinking the continuous thoughts about that which I believe I have to do - instead of walking that which I have to do for/as myself in the decision from myself to get it done for me by me - not an external/separate point that I've created in the mind within thoughts and ideas, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dictator unto myself in the physical telling myself constantly what I have to do and when I have to do it, allowing myself to go into these extremes because the moment that it becomes impractical, such as within this sickness, to apply myself in the same manner as I do in my daily routine, I go into the opposite extreme and entertain myself quite a lot, and I will allow myself to lounge around and purposely live within the opposite extreme of laziness, not allowing myself to be here with the body and support myself in necessity within drinking water and resting - only allowing myself to be in the mind within thoughts about what I am going to do next to entertain myself now that I have the time to and the justification and excuse to from being sick
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much of a dictator I've become through my participation in the mind, how much I tell myself when and where and what to do through thoughts, and to not realize that within this I will send myself into extremes within energy where during the weekdays I will be in the one extreme of constantly pushing myself to get everything done on time and constantly putting pressure on myself through thoughts, and then on the weekend go into the opposite extreme where I do not look after myself and become negligent of myself in regards to taking care of myself in diabetes, in regards to watching my nutrition intake, in regards to working on assignments etc, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in learning on how to not be a dictator unto myself wherein I am here with myself in breath and in the body and walk that which is necessary to walk/do within a moment through the decision to support myself and not a pressure to support myself from/as the separation that I've allowed through thinking about all that I have to do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this sickness that I am going through at this moment is clearly related to the stress that I place myself under within the weekdays due to the pressure I place on myself within the dictatorship I've allowed myself to become and exist within/as the mind in/as the thoughts regarding all that I have to do and the `importance` to get them done, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never simply be here with myself in the body in breath, but always within a constant projection of what I have to do and when I have to do it within thoughts within the mind causing this sickness, causing illness to the physical body through placing so much strain on it through always participating in the mind thinking about time and what I have to do within the time as if it is a race to death to see how much I can do before I die
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this stress and pressure that I am placing myself under is closely related to the fear of death wherein all that I've been dictating myself to do relates to the fear of death and wanting to get as much done as possible before the time that I die, in this not realizing that in participating in this fear of death I've never allowed myself to simply be here with myself and walk for myself as life in this world, only ever within the fear of dying and not getting done all that I want to do/can do in this life before I die, and as I have time to myself and no objectives such as on the weekend, I allow myself to slack off and not take care of myself - allowing the points of polarity wherein within the week and in regards to making money and supporting myself with/as money in this system I place pressure on myself to always do more and more to walk more within this system to provide a life for myself in regards to money before I die - living for an external point from myself here for myself which is the fear of death, not realizing that life is here within breath that life is here within the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move from the mind when/as I am sick instead of from breath in awareness of my body and what it needs, allowing myself to sabotage myself as I move from the mind as I place stress and pressure on myself in/as the want to still get done everything that I usually get done in my normal daily routine instead of resting with myself here in the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the physical in/as how it is feeling and the capabilities of the physical by allowing myself to move from the mind, allow myself to move from the thoughts that say I need to get this done at this time and I still need to apply myself in that, not paying attention to the physical and what it is capable of or what it needs as I am sick, in this abusing and sabotaging myself as I place further pressure and stress on myself to continue to live like I would without being sick.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am sick and as I am sleeping that the carbohydrates that I consume are not going to be physically used through activity or labour, they must be stored or broken down by insulin, thus meaning that I am going to need much more insulin and need to strictly watch my diet and the amount of carbs that I consume in a meal, and in this drastically reduce the amount of carbs that I consume because I will not be physically burning them off through labour or activity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and hesitate supporting myself while I am sick because of the fatigue that the body is going through, resisting by not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to pour myself a glass of water, not want to go and check my blood sugar - resisting being supportive of myself as life and giving myself the best opportunity to heal myself in the sickness, and giving the body the best opportunity to heal itself from the illness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when/as I am sick feel that I must apply myself in the same manner and `intensity` that I apply myself within the weekdays, pushing myself still when I am sick, not realizing that I and the body absolutely need rest when I am sick, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initially stress myself out and worry about not being able to do all that I would normally do during a weekday
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow being sick be a barrier between taking care of myself within diabetes when it is more important to stay on top of the sugar levels and the insulin needs while I am sick because of the energy that the body is using to get rid of the bacteria and the fact that I will not be active at all during the days that I am sick, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat myself without respect each time that I allow myself to not test the sugar levels when it is time to do so while I am sick or even while I am not sick
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep much of the day away to the point where I allow myself to miss the regular schedule of the basal rate injection - screwing up the entire pattern for the day in/as the monitoring and management of the sugar levels, - not giving myself the simple will to get up, test, inject, and then go back to bed if I am still fatigued and feverish, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how ineffective, careless, abusive, horrendous I've been as a caretaker for myself in/as diabetes, and that I really need to start applying myself diligently and willingly in taking care of myself in diabetes by watching and severely limiting carbohydrate intake when I am not active, and accordingly eat more veggies with low carbs as I am not active, and to write down immediately what my readings are and how much I've ate at that moment/meal, to give myself a stable recorded pattern to look at and for the doctors to look at so that I and them are able to assist myself to keep the blood sugar levels as stable as possible throughout my weekdays/weekends, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be negligent towards myself with diabetes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in absolution, neglect myself as life and neglect life itself, shown by the mismanagement of myself in/as diabetes, shown by my neglect of monitoring the food I eat, the neglect of eating the proper foods at the proper times when certain types of foods will support at certain times, the neglect of what the body needs and goes through - neglect by existing in the mind in/as only looking what I want and what I desire - not looking at what I need to do to take care of myself in/as diabetes to give myself proper care of myself as life, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect providing the body nutrients through vegetables when/as I am sick and I inactive because of my participation in the mind, in the wants of certain food - only looking at the wants, not looking at the needs and requirements of the body when I am sick, and what the body is able to effectively process and digest effectively when I am sick - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not strictly reduce my consumption of carbohydrates when I am sick so that I do not end up in a battle with myself in the management of the sugar levels and trying to get them to where they should be - and thus give myself the best opportunity to keep them where they need to be to reduce hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do my best in making sure that I am eating very little carbohydrates and/or glucose while I am sick because it is best for me to manage the sugar levels with only food rather that attempting to balance the sugars by injecting and eating foods wherein since I am sick and inactive I do not in full awareness know the ratio in which I will need to inject insulin to the amount of carbohydrates consumed, so it is best for me to consume carbohydrates when/as I am close to or am hypoglycemic and correct the lows through sugar rather than eat a regular amount of carbohydrates/sugars, and attempt to counter balance the sugars with a random guess injection and hope that all turns out well - and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much energy the body needs to divert towards the pancreas in order for it to properly balance the consumption of carbohydrates during sickness and that it is best to not eat too many carbs while one is sick because it will cause the body to focus on digestion and metabolism, instead of taking care of the bacteria causing the sickness
I commit myself to in these days that I am getting over/through the flu to not consume a mass amount of carbohydrates and to severely limit the amount of carbohydrates that I do consume to only about 10-20g a day as I have realized that I struggle even bringing down the sugar levels from high levels with high doses of insulin and if I struggle bringing down sugar levels with high doses of insulin, doses that would normally send my crashing rapidly, I severely need to limit the amount of carbohydrates that I consume in these next few days
I commit myself to checking the sugar level more than usual in these next few days to get an understanding of how being sick and having no activity affects the sugar levels.
I commit myself to not allowing the rest of the sickness, the cough, the little bit of dizziness to affect my management of myself in/as diabetes, and to not hold it as an excuse to take proper care of myself in making sure that I do not sleep past my basal rate injections and that I do inject them on time to keep a pattern in which I am able to best support myself within
I commit myself to when/as I am sick to drink lots of water, to eat little carbohydrates, to give myself nutrients through vegetables, to rest and not stress myself out over keeping up with the regular routine that I keep while I am not ill, to test my blood sugar regularly, to keep the pattern of the basal rate injections and to not sleep through times that I normally test and/or inject insulin to best give myself support as life - and when/as I wake up and it is time that I need to test or to inject insulin, to not allow excuses of being too tired or ill to get up, prick my finger and check the sugar level, or to dial up a needle and inject it into my skin, and to not allow myself to not test or inject because I am too lazy to get out of bed and simply un willing to move out of bed at that moment, and within this I commit myself to when/as there is unwillingness on my part to inject or test blood sugar, to stop that thought pattern, breathe, move my body towards the meter and test my blood and inject insulin if need be.
I commit myself to stop neglecting myself in/as diabetes and to start writing down the readings immediately so I do not forget how much carbs I ate in a given meal, and to thus bring around the booklet with me so that I can write down immediately what the blood glucose level is, how much I ate, how much insulin I injected etc, and in this stop waiting for consequence to manifest before I start to live support for myself as life, and to start giving myself support as life now within diabetes