Monday, January 7, 2013

Day 262 + 263 - 21 Days of Self Application - Sleep Patterns


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep at a time when I will sleep too long to be able to manage the insulin injections, keep the schedules for responsibilities that I have for other people and myself, sleep at a time when I allow thoughts about sleep to be the directive of myself and not allow myself to become the directive of myself in looking at what I need to do within a day and what I need to stay awake for such as managing basal rate injections, stay awake so that I do not sleep past times of responsibilities for chats, and in this not sleep so that I use the time that I am awake effectively instead of allowing myself to sleep just because I can at the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the responsibility to stay awake when I am thinking about sleep and allowing thoughts regarding sleep, stay awake by applying myself in stopping the thoughts and allowing myself to be here with the body and see physically whether or not it in fact needs sleep, whether or not I as the body in fact need sleep - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the responsibility to stop the thoughts about sleep and to stay awake, breathe, be here with the body, and function within breath in applying myself within staying on schedule to maintain regular blood glucose testing times, to maintain the schedules for chats and/or other time dependent responsibilities, and to overall support myself in maintaining a schedule by keeping the sleep patterns the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the want to sleep when it is not needed from the body, to give into the want to sleep to avoid and escape points of responsibility that I have been thinking about and not applying myself within - not allowing myself to maintain an effective pattern of self application, nor able to create a relationship with myself, one of effective application of myself through allowing myself to, when the thoughts arise about sleep, about being tired, thoughts about the time that it is and whether or not I can sleep at that time, allow the thoughts the direct me instead of directing the thoughts by maintaining awareness of myself in the participation of the thoughts and an awareness of myself of what I am in fact participating in - maintaining an awareness by giving myself the opportunity to actually look at the thoughts and see who/what I am within the thoughts and whether or not I will be actually considering life within the thoughts or only considering self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep in order to avoid moving myself within a point of responsibility, to avoid facing myself and living responsibility for myself here in this world and what I accept and allow within myself - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if humanity is to accept and allow the sleep patterns that I accept and allow within myself, the human is going to take far too long to correct itself due to the acceptance and allowance of avoidance of self within sleep - thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am only prolonging my application of self correction of myself through allowing myself to sleep for long periods of time and through allowing myself to sleep whenever it is convenient for myself instead of standing equal and one to what I must apply myself within and stand equal and one with myself in/as the application of myself and walk myself in applying myself and in this stop myself from allowing myself to think about sleep and idealize how `nice` sleep would be at a given moment and in this stand with the body and see whether or not it in fact absolutely needs sleep or if it is me within the mind not wanting to face the mind as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think thoughts about sleep separating myself from the body and the physical life through allowing sleep to exist within a thought, to allow the act of sleep to come from a thought and not from being here with the body and seeing without influence from the mind if the body needs sleep or if I as it can still operate here in the physical reality and continue to stay awake and apply myself here in the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the physical act of sleeping by allowing the act of sleep to be from the starting point within thoughts, within the mind wherein I think about sleep - meaning that if the body is tired - thoughts do not need to exist to say that it is tired, the body will show that it is tired in the physical and thus through allowing myself to sleep from the starting point of thinking about sleep I am not sleeping for the body but for the mind, for energy, for self interest, within separation from the physical life of the body - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that through thinking about sleep I am not sleeping for/as the body but only ever sleeping for the mind and the desire within the mind in separation from physical life and that through thinking about sleep I am going to create the experience of being tired as an experience within the mind which is only an illusion because that experience consists of thoughts and energy and not real physical functions/exhaustion regarding actually physically being tired - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from physically being tired by allowing myself to believe and allow myself to live within a relationship to sleep based on separation from the physical and based on energy and self-interest within the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here with the body when/as thoughts about sleep come up and clearly see within the physical whether or not the body is tired - first removing myself from the experience of being tired by maintaining an awareness of myself within the mind and body as I check whether or not I need to sleep and see if I am still allowing thoughts about being tired, check if I am still within the experience of energy within being tired and whether or not the body in fact needs sleep - but within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the physical necessity for sleep will never come from a thought, it will come from the physical itself and thus all thoughts about sleep are irrelevant to what the body actually needs in regards to sleep and sleep patterns - thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep from the starting point of thoughts instead of myself here with the body in giving it sleep when it needs sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play a game with myself in attempting to convince myself to sleep for only a certain amount of time, wherein I debate with myself within thoughts about how long I can sleep for, and when I will get up and what I will do when I get up instead of simply stopping myself in the debate over whether or not I should sleep and when I should sleep and what I will do when I awake - when all this is only an attempt to go to sleep and avoid completing a point of responsibility and to avoid facing myself in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop debating with myself over whether or not I should sleep - stop debating with myself by agreeing with myself that I will be supporting myself as life here in the physical and if sleeping at that time is not in support of myself here as life within the physical than I simply will not participate in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize what sleep here in this physical actually is, and in this try to find what sleep here in the physical is and in trying to find what sleep is, miss what is here as I am only looking for a limited perception of what the mind perceives sleep within the physical is - miss the body here in breath as I look for the definition of what sleep is that I've created within the mind - in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the definition and experience of sleep that I've created and experienced throughout my life and in this be here with the body in breath and function with what is here in breath - not looking for sleep or the experience of sleep but clearly seeing that which is here and that which is here may not be sleep - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude and falsify what sleep is by looking for it when it may not be here within the body at the time of looking

I commit myself to working on my patterns and habits that I've developed around sleep and to work on supporting the body with sleep and stop supporting the mind with sleep by stopping the starting point of sleep from coming from the mind and start being here with the body when/as thoughts of sleep come up and separate myself from the experience of sleep within the mind to clearly see what is going on with the body at that moment - not looking for the experience of sleep or the definition of sleep but only seeing what is here and not looking for something

I commit myself to correcting my habits and patterns of sleep to support that which is best for myself as life and to correct my patterns and habits of sleep to one where I do not use sleep to evade and neglect myself as life or all others as life but to support life here in the physical by stopping the starting point of sleep coming from the mind and stop separating myself from sleep here in the physical

I commit myself to developing self trust within my sleep habits by stopping myself from abusing sleep in order to avoid myself within the mind or avoid a point of responsibility and in developing self trust - stop fighting with myself in the mind - stop debating over whether or not I should sleep and simply allow myself to be here with the body and sleep when it is necessary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap of sleeping long periods of time that I set up for myself by allowing myself to participate in thoughts about when/where/how long I will sleep for, creating a `trap` for myself because the act of sleep that I've allowed myself to participate within in the past few days has been one of compromise in my ability to apply myself effectively within writing this blog, within maintaining a healthy regimen for injecting insulin at regular times, within my support for myself as life - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep long periods of time, without proper application in changing my sleeping patterns, now that I am not in school and have more time for `myself` than I regularly would if I were attending school - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for school to start up again before I diligently apply myself in maintaining a healthy sleeping pattern - a healthy sleeping pattern in which I am able to test my blood sugar are regular intervals during the day and not miss any injections that I need to inject within the day, and not miss out on any time dependant responsibilities that I have in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleep as a point of abuse, abnormal use as I allow myself to sleep for long periods of time wherein I abuse the body by missing basal rate injections, miss the regular intervals of testing blood sugars, forget and miss time dependant responsibilities and overall not consider the life that I am living and how I am living it in regards to the relationship that I've set up with sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep long periods of time when I do not have a schedule to keep, like when I am not in school or when I am not working, in this to not give myself direction and walk myself for myself in this world, but to allow the lack of programming to direct myself into a state of sleep where I shut off and fall asleep when I have `nothing to do` - no program within myself in activated - in this allowing myself to still exist and live as a pre-programmed machine with no self direction, but only moving through the motions that I've accepted within the programs, and walking my life like a zombie without full awareness or direction from myself - again only moving through the motions of life, only doing that which I need to do within a day in regards to making money and/or going to school - going through the motions that the system has set in place for beings, in this allowing myself to be directed by the system and not allowing myself to walk equal and one to the system here within directing myself within the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are going to be specific times of the night when I am not working that no program will be activated and thus I will have a tendency to want to sleep because usually I will be working at that time in which a program is activated within myself - and that at these times it is pertinent for myself to direct myself through the early hours of the morning and give myself direction in/as applying myself within a task or assignment to stave off sleep and keep a regular pattern and schedule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of abuse to sleep, abuse from sleeping to avoid facing myself, abuse from missing basal rate injections, abuse from sleeping too long which causes the body to become stagnant and sore, abuse by allowing myself to sleep too long and miss time dependent activities/responsibilities and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be diligent with myself in the early hours of the morning when I would normally be working to keep myself directed by giving myself direction and walking with myself in that direction to stay awake during those hours and not compromise myself in responsibility and health

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addict myself to sleep through allowing myself to fall back on the relationship that I've previously created with sleep when I am not in school and have time `on my hands` and in this to not work with myself to stop the addiction to sleep by giving myself direction in the early hours of the morning to continue to stay awake and keep the pattern that I would normally keep when I am in school and working, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall continuously on this habit and pattern of sleep by continuing to allow the thoughts to direct me regarding sleep and to allow myself to sleep from the experiences created within the mind and not from what the physical body in fact needs in regards to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am overwhelmed by the want to sleep and that if I allow myself to sleep for a small period of time when I feel tired that I will be able wake up and start on whatever I've been putting off when time after time I've shown myself that this is not the case yet I remain hoping that somewhere within me I will find the resolve to wake up and work on what I've been avoiding working on - not realizing that the solution to this issue is working on it immediately and moving myself through the want to sleep and stopping myself from allowing myself to sleep by giving myself direction to work on that which I've been avoiding or putting off in the moment

I commit myself to work on that which I've been putting off immediately when I start to feel tired in the early hours of the morning when I am not working or I am not in school and to not allow myself to give into the temptation to go to sleep and sleep for long periods of time but give myself direction to work on that which I have been putting off

I commit myself to work with myself in the addiction and relationship to sleep that I've been allowing myself to participate in when I have no work or have no school to attend such as on the weekends, and to in this break down the addiction to sleep and sleep when it is necessary for the body to sleep through being here with the body in breath and seeing here if sleep is necessary

I commit myself to letting go of all the built up want to stop myself from living in this relationship to sleep and start anew in my relationship to sleep and work with that which is here in a moment, checking whether or not it is necessary for myself to sleep and to check myself if I am sleeping in order to put off working on something and check if I am sleeping from the starting point of escape and avoidance of myself here

I commit myself to changing my relationship with sleep to one of support for the body, checking the body if it in fact needs sleep and in this stopping myself when I want to sleep in order to avoid and/or put off applying myself in a task that I've been resisting or looking at a point that I've been resisting

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