Friday, January 11, 2013

Day 267 - Stress and Learning

I will be continuing later on with more emotions and how they affect diabetics, today I am writing about how I experience myself in stress and how, within the math course that I am taking, I am allowing myself to stress myself out with the new knowledge presented and my current inability to effectively grasp the information

Now that I am back in school I am again living in the same pattern as I was previous to the holiday break and one thing that I find myself participating in again is the stress associated to school and managing my time/life within the structure and schedule that I've accepted for myself. The main point of stress that I was faced with today is my lack of grasping the new information that this math course is presenting.

Throughout the day we were `reviewing` material that was within previous courses, courses that I've either taken a few years ago back in high school, or courses that I've simply not been in before and as we were reviewing the material, I had a hard time following along and felt as if I had to play catch up the entire time. I was/am fearing myself in my capability of excelling in this course because of my lack of history with the material and my current inability to immediately grasp the information while the rate of the class seems to be moving incredibly fast, again fearing that I will be lost within the material and fearing being `left behind` as I constantly play catch up.

As I was in the reaction of fear of myself in this course, as I would come across something that I do not know when following along, I would narrow in and focus on that point that I do not know and make that point my `entire existence` meaning all my attention and focus would go to the simple function/relationship of numbers that I cannot see the function/relationship within and cut out the surrounding environment and as well as the rest of the function/relationship that is existing within the equation. In this the stress would become my world and it is the only thing that I would focus on in which I compound and compress the stress levels and I find myself, if I start to move on, going back to the function/relationship over and over as I allow myself to make the function/relationship between the numbers my focus point of attention - and in this I see that I was missing a lot of other points within the relationship/equation because my focus was simply on the one point that I was not getting.

I did stop myself from time to time from participating in the stress of not getting certain functions/relationships and in this I saw immediately the stress dissipate, saw that through placing myself back here in the physical and using the physical eyes to see peripherally and not using the mind's eye within the narrowing and centering focus on the point that I was stressing myself out about, the stress started to dissipate immediately, and it is within this that I must learn to apply and live on a regular basis as I am attending school, and essentially walking myself through my entire life as I find that I stress myself out about a lot of things in my life - work, money, responsibilities, school, learning, grades, commuting, time and the list could go on - but through seeing today that bringing myself back into the physical and seeing peripherally - meaning stopping the centre of my attention being on the one thing I am stressing about and opening up my eyes to see what the hell else is going on, I see how I allow myself to participate in the stress

There was also a point where the stress was alleviated immediately, and that is where the girl I was sitting beside said that I had gotten the right answer when I was unaware that I had done so, in this I made myself believe that I was not as fucked as I made myself to previously believe through the accumulation of thoughts pertaining to myself and who I am within this math course and my `inability` to process, grasp, apply the information being taught, and in this I made myself believe that I since I was walking myself through the question, not really knowing if I was doing the right thing or not and still was able to get the right answer, that I was ok with the material and I was applying it and learning it without being conscious of myself learning and/or applying the material. So within this there is a veil I've placed before myself from seeing myself within math and that veil was created through accumulating thoughts about myself not getting the material and believing that I am consistently playing catch up and through allowing myself to think those thoughts and believe them to be me and who I am within math - that is where/how I started to stress myself out and that is how I allowed myself to start to focus on the one points of/as stress, because within the belief of who I am within math of/as not getting it, being inferior to the material, I started to think and believe that I must push myself as hard as I can within the material that I am not getting and thus I started to focus more and more on the one function/relationship that I was not understanding in attempts to understand it so that I would feel/believe I was not as fucked as I was feeling/believing at that time, so that is where I see I start - within the negative belief/definition of myself within math and stopping myself from accepting those thoughts/beliefs/feelings of myself within math when I find that I am not understanding a specific function/relationship towards an equation as well to ask more questions about the material

I will continue tomorrow with self forgiveness statements regarding what I've seen again in my participation within stress and how through allowing myself to participate in the thoughts/beliefs regarding an inability to understand math I cause myself to stress myself out

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