Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day 269 - I Want to Live A Normal Life - Diabetics Perspective
Since I was diagnosed with diabetes I've wanted to still have a `normal` life within the perspective of being able to do what I would like when I would like it - want to travel freely, want to experience things without worry or concern about my BG levels, want to live `care free` if you want to call it that, and in realizing that I was limited from what I can do by being a diabetic I became very upset at whoever, myself, diabetes, the situation, the world - whomever I could place blame and responsibility on for me not being able to live `care free` I did. I remember when I was 17 a friend from work came back to visit and told me how he hitchhiked from up north down to the city where I was and I thought that that life was pretty cool, being able to go where you would like when you would like via the transportation from others and this idea stuck to me. I thought about it for a while, considered actually doing it, then I realized it would be impossible for me to live a life like that because of diabetes. I would still need insulin constantly, I would still need the money, supplies, tools, to monitor the blood sugar levels and keep them balanced - and all that would cost money, money in which living a life like a hitchhiker would not provide and thus I couldn’t live like I would have liked at that moment. I was/am completely dependent on insulin and am thus limited from what I can and cannot do in this world due to that dependence. At the time that it dawned on me that I could not live like I would have liked at that time, I became very upset, angry, frustrated at life and what became of my life, frustrated and angry at the entirety of the situation, angry at the limitations that I have placed upon myself due to diabetes. The anger/frustration has subsided to an extent but there are times when faced with a limitation that I still can become frustrated at - for example, late last year I decided to attend school again and get my marks upgraded, and being the age that I am, I am not covered by benefits under my parents any longer and thus need to be independent financially for the medications/tools for diabetes, so when looking at the option of school and the fact that I needed to keep my job due to the benefit program offered at work, I became frustrated at still needing to work and not being able to fully apply myself in school, frustrated that it would take more time that I would have wanted, frustrated that I would need to switch to nights to be able to attend school, but I decided to do what I needed to do to again attend school and then post-secondary schooling and move through it step by step - and I am not frustrated at these `limitations` any longer, I simply walk within it and do what I can do to support myself.
I decided to write this out because as I am reading a book about diabetes and management of diabetes, it is often written in the book that diabetes should not impede other aspects of your life, that proper control should not affect how/what you want to live in life - but let's face it - diabetes is going to affect you life on the whole, proper management is going to affect your life on the whole. Sure we want to live a normal life, but within diabetes, an organ of the body is not functioning the way it should function (type 1) or hormones (insulin) of the body are not being absorbed by the body effectively (type 2), and since the body is not functioning the way `normal` bodies do, diabetics are going to need to step in place for the body and consider all that the body considers on a DAILY BASIS, and live according to those considerations/functions and this is going to change how one lives. For myself, previously to being diagnosed with diabetes, and even a few years prior to being diagnosed, I still continued with my accepted and allowed habits in relation to food consumption and `how` I wanted to live and, during those times, I had a very difficult time balancing the sugar levels - most of the time my A1c was above 7, which meant that my sugars were on average about 13-15mmol/l, and to give context, where the sugars are stable is between 4-8, so I was consistently running `high` because I did not want to change how I lived, and I had a shitty relationship with myself in the disease, shitty relationship meaning that I was angry for having diabetes, felt victimized and was thus `rebellious` within diabetes, frustrated that I was not understanding myself in the disease - can't even say I put in effort to try, and consequently - through living how I wanted to live, and not changing my habits/patterns I was living in a self-destructive mode for the first few years of being diagnosed with diabetes - and there are still patterns/habits that I have yet to correct, but I am working with them to correction. So within diabetes, the fact remains that an organ of the body is not functioning properly and through medications/injections and use of the tools provided to measure BG levels, life is going to change and it is not going to be `normal` anymore, because normal was a life without consideration of the body and it's processes, and now, through an organ/hormone not functioning properly, consideration of the body, and understanding of ourselves within the body is pertinent to proper care for the body within diabetes. I mean consider if any other organ in the body failed to perform it's proper function, life would absolutely change and one would have to, daily, step in as support for the body in/as the lack of function for that organ, I mean if your lungs/breath stopped working in automation, how fast would you die? How often are you here with the breath breathing with the breath - not very often, if we had to breathe for ourselves, we would die, thus in order to step in for the lungs in/as that scenario, we would need to change ourselves to be here with the breath in every moment, making sure that WE are breathing in every moment, because a moment in lack of consideration of the breath, if it were not on automation, we would die. So what I am trying to get at is that since a organ/hormone of the body is not functioning the way it should, we have to step in place for it to give ourselves a quality of life that the body provides for us unconditionally, and in stepping in, our lives are not going to be `normal`, there are going to be many, many considerations DAILY, that need to be calculated for proper management/care for diabetes, and it is facing that life is not going to be the `same` that will give us an opportunity to stop wanting/hoping for a normal life and work with the body in giving ourselves care for life
Facing that life is not going to be normal for ourselves when diagnosed with diabetes is when/how we can provide ourselves with proper care, and work within what is best for the body, accepting that we can not get everything we want from life, want to experience in life is where/how we can work with what is here, like for example, I cannot go scuba diving, go hitchhiking, go camping on a whims notice, go travel for months on end, or drop everything in a moment and decide to adventure, or stop working and attend school full time…this is due to my specific situation, there are universities that provide benefits to full-time students I have to make sure that all the supplies that I need are with me, or provided where I am going, I need to consider what I will be doing and how I will be doing it before I go so that I am `prepared` to keep the sugars balanced and correct any imbalances, and in this life is not going to be `normal` for myself any longer, because `normal` back then to me had no consideration of the body and the functions/processes of the body and now I need to consider them every day and how to balance them every day. And in facing/working with/accepting that life is not going to be normal, I can let go of the wants to `experience` life and start to provide myself/consider/give actual care for life instead of taking what I wanted from life.
In the next post I will write out Self forgiveness statements on the want to experience life normally, and correction statements, as I see that, if I am reacting when points arise such as attending school and still needing to work, it is still within me