Monday, January 14, 2013

Day 270 - I Want to Live a Normal Life - Self Forgiveness


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to since being diagnosed with diabetes, want to live a normal life, a normal life wherein I am able to still do the things that I would like without being limited by what I can participate in within diabetes, still be able to walk within this system the way I would like, not realizing that since being diagnosed with diabetes, a failure of an organ in the body, I am going to need to step in for the body and become and live and consider all that that organ considered and function as that organ would normally function and in this change my ways and behaviours to give proper effective support for the body, and in changing my ways and behaviours of/as my participation in this world, not live a `normal` life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face, within all dimensions, that I will not be living a normal life any longer since being diagnosed with diabetes, I will not be able to live like I want when I want, because my wants were never equal and one to life, never in consideration of giving the best life to life, and since I now need to consider the body Daily, I must live in a way that is best for life as I am now responsible for the life of the body in regards to sugar management and this responsibility has no `time` for wants and desires - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to live a normal life and experience what I want from life, not realizing that within living within responsibility for the body and balance of the blood sugar levels wants and desires are my failure to be responsible for the health and life for the body as shown time and time again that when I participate in the wants and desires to experience life my balancing of the sugar levels is not best for the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and upset when I realize/see that I cannot live like I would want to live, I cannot drop everything and experience what I want to experience, and feel victimized for having diabetes and that life is unfair - not realizing that what has been unfair is, previous to being diagnosed with diabetes, my lack of consideration for the body and my lack of living in a way that is best for life unfair towards all life as I place my wants and desires above the health of the body, above the flourition of life, and not give equal consideration and lived habits/behaviours that are best for the life of the body, and what is unfair is my lack of consideration for life within wants and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that since being diagnosed with diabetes, I need to, daily, give myself self awareness here with the body in order to be able to effectively consider and calculate all that will cause a rise or drop in sugar levels and that in this living a `normal` life is not going to be possible any longer because I must now consider the body in/as my actions, daily, in each breath, and consider the effects it will have on the body and accordingly adjust my behaviours to match what is best for the life/health of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the want to live a normal life, is only my want to experience life, my want to be able to do what I want when I want it, without consideration of the body, without being limited by the body, which is a statement of abuse as the life of the body which gives me life is not being considered within/as my actions as I want to live a normal life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and frustration when I find a point in this system/reality that I cannot participate in the way I want due to limitations within diabetes, essentially throwing a tantrum when I cannot have what I want when I want it, similar to throwing a tantrum when/as I would not get sugar, what I wanted, when I was a kid, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal within/as the limitations imposed on myself due to diabetes, and in these limitations continue to do what is best for myself in/as life and support myself in giving life the best life by/as not reacting when/as the limitations are presented but to look at them carefully and work with myself in/as them to do what is best for myself in/as life such as the example of working nights and attending school in the morning, doing what I NEED to do to give myself as life a quality of and dignified life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my wants and desires into working within what I NEED to do give the body and myself within/as the body equal and one a quality of life wherein I take that which I want and apply it to that which I need to do and work equally as hard within that which I need to do to give myself within the body the best life within the limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize that within needing to support the body and stand in for an organ since being diagnosed for diabetes, the life that I expected for myself in regards to normality, is not going to be possible any longer, and that through accepting that life is not going to be `normal` any longer, stand equal to what I have to do now to balance sugar levels and give support to the body by testing daily and injecting insulin daily, changing my diet throughout the days/weeks to support the body within each specific environment/activities, and in this change my application of myself in/as wants and desires into support for what is best for myself within/as the body as life and give support to the body within standing equal and one to the functions of the pancreas, and supporting the life of the body like the pancreas would

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that within my need to now consider the body daily and the functions and processes that are affecting any rise or drop, sensitivity or resistance towards insulin absorption rate and sugar levels, my wants and desires must always come second if they are to exist at all, and I must primarily make sure that I, myself, am taking proper care of myself within diabetes, must make sure that I am considering the body in each and every task/activity that I act within and see how it will affect the body and accordingly balance myself to not cause a dramatic rise or drop in sugar levels and to correct any imbalance as best as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the want to live a normal life, fail to consider what I must practically live within to give myself a quality of life and to care for myself as life, wherein as I want to experience the normal life without the limitations faced within diabetes, become careless of myself as life through placing my want above life, placing my want to experience over the quality of life that I give to myself and accordingly put quality of life in the back of the mind as I live within the want, and not within care and support for myself as life - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that standing equal to giving myself care and support within diabetes and giving myself a quality of life in consideration of the whole of the body within time, the frustration and anger for not being able to experience life the way I want will be removed by myself as the care and support of myself in/as the body is more important than experiencing life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that by wanting and desiring to life a normal life I am not giving life to the body, I am not giving a quality of life to the body nor myself as the body, as I allow myself to place focus and attention and attempt to live within the want and desire to live a normal life instead of effective practical support for the body within standing in for an organ that was damaged and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in support for the body within the damaged organ in each and every breath by allowing myself to want to experience life

More SF and SC tomorrow

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