Friday, January 18, 2013

Day 273 - Slowing Myself Down

As I was reading through a book about diabetes, the author was giving an example of how stress affected his sugar levels dramatically. He was already late for an important meeting and as he was driving to the meeting, he hit a pot hole, got a flat tire and as he was changing his tire he realized that the spare tire was also flat. During this period he ate no food whatsoever and yet his blood sugar raised 17 mmol just because of the stress that he experienced in that event.

I had no idea that stress could raise the blood sugar that much just due to the processes involved within stress, and throughout these days of writing, I've written quite a few times about stress, stress within school, stress within money, stress within work, stress in my overall day to day life, so I've been working on slowing myself down a lot to not stress myself out so much, because I've noticed that within the flight or fight response, everything that I did was at a very quick pace which I was attempting to do within all points of my life. I was working as hard as I could to get in my quota as fast as possible, because I was, each day, stressed about making the quota that I need to make, and I was also stressed out about school, so I would make it as fast as possible, then I would really slow myself down, and grab notes from my bag and study while I was working after I hit the quota. I never looked at it before until slowing myself down, but I was incredibly stressed about school and making the quota, even though the quota is relatively easy to make, and in this I was moving as fast as I possibly could to give myself the time to study for tests, review notes, and go over homework that I was not able to complete before work. Same goes for school, I was/still am in a state of rushing within school, wanting to understand the material as fast as possible, wherein, in that state of mind I was missing a lot of material, as I would only focus on a small section of the material that I was not understanding, rushing within the mind to get myself to a point of understanding the material all the while stressed about the material and not being able to get a high enough grade in the courses that I'm taking to be able to apply to university later.

This came to an epitome when, in the math course that I am taking now, I was working on a test and I was forgetting how to create equations out of word problems. I was really struggling on the test, I was not able to even answer some questions fully, and I knew that I did pretty bad on the test. That day I was incredibly stressed out because that mark would impact whether or not I would get the grade that I needed to be able to move further in the plan that I've set up for myself in regards to time and school and being able to apply to university. That day was a `breaking` point for myself because it broke down the expectation of myself to walk the plan that I intended to walk and was pushing myself really hard to walk and keep up with the pace that I've set for myself. I realized that I may not be able to do it within the time period that I would like for myself, and in that I had to let go of the idea, want, plan of walking these courses and being able to apply to university in the time that I want to apply, and re-evaluate everything. In this I saw that I've been pushing myself very hard each day to get everything done, this blog, homework, work, and understanding the material in school plus the other responsibilities that I have within life and a day, taking care of myself in diabetes, and in this I realized I have not been considering life, I have not been considering myself as life, but only the value that I perceive that I `needed to get to` in `running` through school and the education system, work, diabetic care, blogging, and keeping up with everything that I've come to expect from myself…I've never really looked at how hard I've been on myself until the illusion broke down when I was not getting the grade that I expected from myself to get on the test, or even anywhere close to what I could work with lol.

Since seeing what I am doing to myself in/as my stress patterns within each day in/as pushing myself as hard as I can go in each task/responsibility/activity that I participate in, I've started to slow myself down because it is an absolute need for myself to give to myself due to my stress levels and how it affects diabetes, not too mention the other health affects that is has on the body. I've been starting to apply myself in slowing myself down to be here with myself in breath and stopping the rampant thoughts about, I have this and that to do and I must do this now etc etc, and slowing myself down in all the activities I do, and learning how to work with myself in the pace of breathing, and letting go of the time restrictions that I've been placing upon myself, giving myself patience to walk what is here in the pace of breath, it's far from perfect still, but there is less stress specifically within work where it is `easier` for me to slow myself down in work, school is still a bit troublesome for myself because the class is moving at a `fast` pace in which I am struggling to keep up with. Overall I am catching myself more and more in the fast paced mode and bringing myself back here to breath and walking myself in slow movements in the physical…it is the mind in which practicing patience and slowing myself down is required.

In the next posts I am going to continue writing this out, and start writing out how I've been hard on myself, creating the stress, and how the want to control has attributed to these points of stress

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