Sunday, January 20, 2013

Day 274 - Slowing Myself Down Part 2


Taking a look at my past and who I've been within responsibility and money, everything from childhood was given to me, I rarely had to work for myself to give myself anything, the only thing I can remember needing to do was clean up my room at my fathers to receive allowance, which only happened every second weekend. There was always times when my parents would break after a short while of pestering them for something I wanted, like candy, or a toy, and I would use this to my advantage, to get out of having to put in work or contribute to helping out in anyway and still receive what I wanted, and in this I allowed myself to be spoiled and developed a relationship to receiving without giving an equal effort to that which I wanted to receive.

I expected/expect things, gifts, rewards, marks, success, money, to fall into my lap with a minimal effort put in on my part, failing to recognize that I will need to put in effort now to that which I would like to receive now that I am working for it on my own. Within school for example I expected to receive high grades no matter what, and as well I expected this from myself…I've taken a look at myself since failing the one test in math class at how much of a dick I've been being to myself in/as having these expectations of myself, at how hard I've been being on myself, and in this I've caused myself a lot of unnecessary stress…I expected high grades from myself and was not happy with anything less than near perfect, and when I wouldn't receive perfect or perfect my understanding of the material I go into a state of self loathing and lack of self worth because I expected "x" from myself and I did not get "x" thus according to me I am a failure for not doing so, and throw a mental tantrum within myself beating up on myself, similar to how I developed the relationship to not getting what I wanted/expected as a kid, when I would hear the word no or just not be able to get what I wanted wherein I would throw a tantrum and become quite dickish to my parents, and I see that I have created this relationship with myself when I do not receive what I want from myself.

Now that I am older and need to live for myself, the relationship that I've developed towards responsibility within money, school from childhood where everything that I wanted was usually given to me, I've started to stress myself out more and more because I've never really had to live for myself, all was given to me by my parents free from effort on my part, and now, wherein I need to put in effort to give myself that which I would like to receive, I stress myself out with the expectations I have of myself, I stress myself out within the reactions and temperamental tantrums that I throw within the mind when I do not get what I've expected from myself, believing that I am a failure when I do not get one thing that I've expected from myself, and I allow myself to be hard on myself within thought processes and the expectations I have of myself. It scares me a great deal to walk this world `alone` and be responsible for myself within this uncontrollable system heading towards failure, and with the opportunity of failure around every corner, the opportunity of a sub-par life within one misstep, so as I walk this world within the education system and money system I quickly go into the flight or fight response and begin to stress myself out, either pushing myself harder or deciding to give up all effort and accept that `this is just who I am as failure`, believing that I can never achieve what I would like for myself in this world due to one misstep or failure of a test or not getting what I wanted/expected from myself. My movement has not come from me in breath, from me in/as my decision to walk what I walk but all from the fear response geared towards survival, fearing failure, fearing a sub-par life, fearing not being able to give to myself which I would like to receive, fearing the small details such as not making the quota at work, not getting a high enough grade for an average that will allow me to get into the university program that I am walking towards, not understanding material in the courses that I am taking currently which is associated to the previous fear, and as all these fears are running in the background of the mind, I move very quickly within the mental and within the physical causing much more harm then good due to the hormonal response of/as stress, good from the perspective of walking through the education system and within the money system, but really I could do that without stress, so I am only doing harm. Each day I am pretty much stressed out with work, school, other responsibilities and attempting to manage them all within time, I've pushed myself too hard to walk what I need to walk, and in thought, I believe I need to do more, that I could do more, that I must do more which is where I also stress myself out - nothing is ever good enough, what I do is never good enough for myself.

In starting to look more at my stress levels and what I am allowing myself to participate in, I've noticed that I've been moving really fast within the mind in process, wherein as I am allowing myself to think, I allow other thoughts to come up regarding not thinking which is an oxymoron and, now looking at it, quite stupidly funny, and am quite extensively hard on myself, limiting myself to rarely expand and explore myself because I am limiting myself to these few thoughts regarding what I should/should not do within a day, with money, within school, within relationships, within speaking, within words, shit..within all aspects of my life, blinding myself from seeing the physical by rushing within the mind in/as the fear and stress response to how I've created, accepted, and allowed myself to be in relationship to walking myself in responsibility and in this world system. As well within the stress levels, since being a diabetic, it can cause the sugar levels to be difficult to keep stable and work with effectively, because if I allow a point of stress and am unaware of it the sugar levels have the capacity to rise dramatically making standing equal and one to what is best for life within diabetes more difficult than what it can be, and that statement right there is what I have been living for myself in/as walking the world system and what I am doing to myself within living in stress = making it more difficult than what it can be.

For the next few blogs I will be writing further about my patterns in/as stress and self forgiveness statements for participating in stress and participating in the mind in the thoughts/feelings/emotions that cause/result from stress and who I am within relation to providing for myself, and looking further at my past and what/where/how I've allowed myself to create this relationship to stress and being self sufficient/walking for myself

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