Monday, January 21, 2013

Day 275 - Slowing Myself Down Part 3


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move at the pace of the thoughts running within the mind, wherein I am always thinking about what I am going to do next, trying to move as fast as possible as I can within the physical to keep up with the thoughts of what I am going to do next, causing stress to be placed on the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking this life alone within responsibility for myself, and as I fear walking within responsibility for myself in this life, think about all that I need to do within a day and attempt to move as fast as possible from point A to point B within the thoughts - attempt to move as fast as possible from what I am doing currently to get to the next thing that I am thinking about without taking a moment for myself to consider myself in this life and what I am accepting and allowing myself to move within/as - but allowing the programmed response of fear to direct me as I walk within this world system in/as the point of responsibility for myself and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear responsibility and being responsible for myself within money, within a job, within school, within life overall through not giving myself the patience and time to effectively understand what/how it takes from myself in this world to walk within this world due to not understanding what it means to give to myself within effort put into that which I would like to receive through being given what I wanted in childhood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of walking this life within responsibility for myself within money, career, schooling - basically all that entails adulthood, and in this fear push myself very hard within the job that I currently have, push myself very hard in school with high expectations of myself, never stopping for a second to take a breath and question what it is that I am participating in, but be blinded by the fear that I've created associated to walking points of responsibility within living - not seeing what is required of myself within the physical to walk these points of responsibility wherein I see that it is movements of self within/as the physical from point A to B, and essentially it is purposeless to think about where I am going next, but to simply direct myself within what is here and direct myself within self direction without fear/anxiety/stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I accept myself within the programmed response to fear within responsibility for myself in/as adulthood within a job, money, schooling, career, owning a house, paying bills, managing money etc, I allow myself to be directed by/as the fear and blinded by the fear, not allowing myself to take a step back from it all and question what it is I am actually moving towards and whether or not this is what is best for all, or if I within it all am directing myself within what is best for all, which looking at it now, I am not as best for all includes myself and as I stress myself out within fear and anxiety pertaining to living responsibility within this world system I am not living what is best for self as life as I allow myself to exist in fear/stress/anxiety causing harm to the body in/as the hormonal productions when I am stressed out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to stand back and separate myself from this world system and look at what I am actually participating in and what/how I am directing myself within/as this world system due to allowing myself to exist in fear/stress/anxiety within the job that I do, within schooling, within money management, within care for myself within diabetes, and really question what it is that is here and question what/how I am directing myself in/as this world system, and take a look at what/how/where I am able to place myself within this world system, and change my participation in/as who I am within this world system to be able to support and give what is best for all - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give what is best for all within/as who I am in/as walking points of responsibility of adulthood to myself first by stopping myself from stressing myself out and running from point A to point B in thought, word and deed, and walk what is here much slower than I am now to understand/see what it is that I am participating in - in specific detail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient with myself in walking within this world system, patient as a living expression of myself walking within the pace of breath, walking with myself in awareness here of each breath, with each footstep, each movement of myself with the physical, walking slowly through this world with self direction, and in this patience stop myself from entering the mind and participating in all the thoughts about what the future may be and what/who I may be within the future, but to stick here with myself on the ground in awareness of myself here within the physical, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run through the mind in thoughts about what the future may bring, about who I will be within the future, about what I will do within the future, and use fear to push myself harder and harder to get to the positivity of the future projection, when in participating in this I am in fact using the negative to push myself, I am living within the negative and fear of the negative, not really understanding what/how I am moving within in/as this world through believing that I am moving towards the `positive`, not understanding that I am in turn creating and living within a point of negativity simultaneously, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with and apply myself within understanding of what it is to be here with self in/as self movement within this world system, self movement within the job that I do, self movement within schooling, self movement within responsibility, and to not work with myself in/as self movement through allowing myself to move out of fear/stress/anxiety associated to what I see within the mind in/as the projections of/as the negative future projections - believing that I am moving towards the positive, creating points of polarity and constant conflict within myself as I allow these points of stress/anxiety/fear to direct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed expect life to be given to me, expect life to be paid for by others, expect to receive what I wanted/needed in life through believing when I was in childhood that there will always be an authority figure looking out for me, always be an authority figure to provide for me, never questioning what how this authority figure provides and how the system works within which they provide within/from, and in this to consequently allow myself to, now within adulthood, fear living for myself in responsibility and self direction wherein, what is needed is not unconditionally given but must be worked for and in this fear myself in/as self-trust to work within the limitations of the system that is here to give myself a quality of life, and fear being on the lower end of the inequality within this system, and through the fear of being on the lower end of inequality, never question why/how this inequality exists, but always move within/as the fear of inequality to not be the last, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up this fear of losing within the rat race of inequality, as shown to me within failing the math test, wherein I took a step back from the fear and stress of failing and looked at what/who I was within what I was participating in, and questioned what/how I was directing myself - in this having that which was valued to me as the `success` within inequality be broken down within a moment leaving me to see me in what I was participating in - in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up the fear of failure within the system of inequality and give up the desire/want for success and be with myself here as I walk myself in/as this system - giving myself the opportunity to see/understand what is best for all within this system of inequality and what/where/how I am able to direct myself in this world to support a system of equality as life as who we really are as physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm to myself by allowing myself to stress myself out and become anxious about myself in/as this world system and where I possibly may end up on the spectrum of inequality, causing harm by repeatedly placing the body in a position of stress and stiffness, placing myself in the same position, not allowing myself to see through the stiffness, but remaining on one direct path within/as the stiffness which is related to the one direct path associated to the fear of myself within this system and the fear of the inequality of this system, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with myself in understanding what/how to remove the fear of the inequality of this system and walk with myself in support of what is best for all life in/as this system of inequality, where/how to place myself within this system of inequality to support with effectiveness a system of equality where life is valued and no life is lived without what is needed to live a life of quality and dignity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when/as walking within the world system in the job that I do, in school, in commuting, in walking, in movement - move as fast as I possibly can from one objective to the next in the response to fear of myself in/as this system of inequality, running from myself from facing the inequality of this system and understanding in specificity, with patience, how it functions/operates and was created by us humans, and in this not realizing that I've been fearing myself from facing what I've been a participant in creating as this world system of inequality, fearing living within what I've created to face what/who I've created in/as this system of inequality.

More on this tomorrow

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