Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Day 276 - Slowing Myself Down Part 4


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to walk through this system as fast as possible within anything that I do, such as within school as I previously wanted to take 2 courses a day instead of one which would've allowed me no time to study or do homework effectively and would have severely limited sleep, and placed myself in a position wherein if I had one mistake, or if I had anything extra to do during that day, time would be very compressed with needing to do something in every moment and I would have needed to move fast from point a to b to give myself just enough time for everything, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is the quality of the effort that I put into that which I do, such as within school, and not the quantity of effort that I put in in which I will be able to effectively support myself, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down in breath within patience in/as time and in slowing myself down put in a quality of effort in that which I participate in, making sure that I give my best and not attempting to only do a lot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I will not have enough time to get all my schooling done in a time that suits the want within the mind to move as fast as possible, and in this fear and worry of myself not being able to get to where I want within the time I've allotted myself, stress myself out within each moment that I believe takes me longer than it should, especially shown within work, where as I was moving as fast as I could to hit my quota as fast as possible, if there was one moment where someone would get in my way, I would have backchat immediately, stress, and anger about the person being in my way and `slowing me down` so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely stress myself out by allowing myself to live within the want to move as fast as possible within/through all that I do, not realizing/seeing/understanding that I am in fact missing a lot of what is here within moving as fast as I can through work/school/blogging etc, missing myself here and missing, essentially, all that is here in/as the physical through allowing myself to move from the mind in/as fear of time, only seeing time, speed, only ever calculating time and speed, instead of what is actually here within the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out on something within time/space, wherein I accordingly move as fast as possible to get as much done, participate in as much as I can within time/space not realizing that I am missing a lot of minute details that exist, not seeing/understanding that I am in fact missing more by moving quickly than by moving slowly and being patient with myself within that which I walk, giving myself the time and patience to see the devil that is in the details of what I am participating in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within moving fast I am `getting` nowhere meaning that as I move fast out of the fear of not having enough time to get to where I want to be, that there is nowhere to get to, and the idealized perception of where I want to be within the time that I've given myself is only an illusion that I've set up within the mind through allowing myself to fear not getting there, to the idea of where I want to be, and that moving as fast as I can from point a to b wherein I am thinking about what/how I am going to be/do to get to point b from a, is derived from the fear of not getting there, when there is nowhere to get, because, even if I do `get there` there will be another point in which I want to get to in which I will accordingly stress myself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the quality of life that I am living through living within the fear of not getting enough done within the time I have before death, not realizing/seeing/understanding that I will die at some point in life, and it does not matter how much I do within life, but what/who I am in relation to myself and whether or not I am giving the best life for myself and others, supporting a life that is worth living for all beings on this planet as life in/as the quality of life being lived by all beings on this earth is of real value and not how much is done within life, which has become the way of capitalism wherein we are consistently only looking forwards attempting to get more and more profit within the micro and macro of the individual and corporation and not looking at that which we are doing here in each moment, not looking at what we are participating in here which has become an atrocity to the word life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from the experience of rushing within the fear of time/failure/money/success/responsibility, and look at what I am in fact valuing, look at who I am within each fear and what I am participating in and how, within each fear, I am accepting and allowing myself to stress myself out within moving quickly through the fear, instead of facing the fear directly, stopping myself in/as the fear and walking myself in practical application within the physical reality in/as the living word of patience with myself here as breath, and walking myself in practical application of giving myself a quality of life in/as moving slowly to be able to give myself the insight into the details of the fears within me and how I am living within them and the thoughts that arise that I accept as valid/real in which I then accordingly participate in the fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing in this life, not being successful, not being able to give myself a quality of life, not realizing/seeing/understanding that I am not in fact living this quality of life unto myself within the starting points of my movement, but am in fact giving myself the opposite through allowing myself to stress myself out over the fear of failure and not being successful in this life, in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the definition of success that I am living within is regarding money, job, material values, and not success within giving myself and others the best quality of life possible, success within giving myself the understanding of myself in/as this world and how I've come to create myself within/as this world through environmental influences and accordingly re-create, re-wire myself to live that which is best for all in/as quality of living and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not go easier on myself in/as physical movement and mental movement by slowing myself down in the participation within the mind to see what/how I am accepting the fears and stresses within myself so that I can give myself an understanding of myself in/as how I've created myself in this point of stress and fear and accordingly re-create myself to give myself quality of life without stress and fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out when I am not living up the idealized expectations of myself within the movement of myself in work, school, diabetes, money, and essentially my overall living habits, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of myself in work, school, diabetes, money, career, success, instead of working with what is here in a moment, working with myself here as who I am here in each breath, stopping the separation from myself here in/as who I am by stopping the expectations and walking with myself here, correcting myself here from here, meaning not correcting myself from the separation of expectation of myself, but correcting myself from here in/as who I am here without separation of who I am here and what I've accepted and allowed myself to become and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of myself within my living patterns and habits and regards to the value of the systems of money instead of walking/working with myself here in each moment to give myself the understanding/insight needed to clearly see who/what I am participating in, and by seeing who/what I am within what I am participating in, correct myself in the moment from here, and not from separation within the expectation of myself, and in doing so, stop myself from stressing myself out within the fear of not living up to my own expectations of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself for not living up to my expectations of myself and forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work with myself in/as who I am in understanding and patience and gentleness, allowing myself to find it within myself to walk for myself through change in/as a moment, and not from separation of myself from the expectation I have of myself

I commit myself to when/as I am rushing through the day to get from point a to b in anything, such as walking from parking my car to school or by working as fast as I can to get as much work done as possible, to take a moment, breathe, and start to slow myself down to a comfortable pace wherein I can give myself more attention to detail in that which I am participating in and apply myself more so within the quality of effort

I commit myself to understanding what it means to live the word patience, and in understanding patience, live it as an expression of myself in each breath, and in this patience be patient with myself as I walk with myself in/as who I am into change of myself equal to that which is best for all life

I commit myself to applying myself in slowing myself down within time, and giving myself awareness of myself here simply moving here within the physical from one point to the next, meaning not thinking about who/what/how I am going to be within the next point that I am walking within, simply walking from one point to the next without expectations or ideas about what/who/how I will be or what will be within what I am approaching, and in this walk with myself in a pace which I am not placing stress upon the body

I commit myself to giving myself patience to pay attention to the details of myself and what I am participating in and to further debunk these fears, and stresses I've been allowing myself to participate within in regards to walking within this system of money and who I am within responsibility for myself and the fear of self-sabotage and fear of self trust

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