Thursday, January 24, 2013

Day 277 - Slowing Myself Down Part 5


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush within energy when/as I find something interesting, jumping into the subject at full speed and running through as much as I can of the topic because of the excitement and `rush` of adrenaline, moving quickly through material or the experience of myself within the material/subject/event/situation to `gain` as much as I can from the experience of the adrenaline rush, feelings, and emotions connected to the event/situation/topic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in class and I am understanding a topic or understanding the material of what is being taught, become elated, excited, and rush through as many questions as I can in order to stay ahead of the teacher, not realizing that I am still living within the fight or flight response, it is only the opposite response of/as fight that I am experiencing through/as understanding the material and deciding to `fight` within it and move as fast as I possibly can through the material, creating a feeling of excitement and euphoria due to allowing myself to create and secrete adrenaline through the thought and belief that I am not getting this material and thus not so fucked for the course that I am taking, and while rushing through the material, fail to give life consideration, fail to give myself as life consideration with awareness of breath here in/as the body, but to become engulfed and enflamed by the experience of the adrenaline rush when understanding the material, still allowing myself to be stressed out about the material, only existing in an opposite form of belief, one of not being absolutely fucked wherein I've previously allowed myself to believe that I am fucked and thus the expectations of myself within/as the course are not possible, and as I believe that I am not so fucked, become elated and excited and rush through the material to make that experience more, not giving myself a moment to stop, breathe, and clearly look at what I am participating in/as the rush and excitement and yes, fear, of believing that I am not so fucked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in believing that I am not so fucked by understanding a topic/section of the material within the course that I am taking I am still living from the starting point of being fucked, and through moving as fast as I can within my understanding of the material, try and make that experience of not being fucked `more` of a reality than illusion by making myself believe, each time that I can answer a question properly without needing to wait for the answer/steps of solution to be written on the board, that I am not as fucked as I thought I was, not realizing that I am running from the fear of failing the course, and not getting the mark that I need in order to move on within the education system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to run from the fear of failure, and try and create my expectations of myself when I find that I am understanding material in class more than what I previously was, allowing myself to continue to live out of the fear and stress related to myself in failure of the course, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not calm myself down, slow myself down, and bring myself back to a slowness within the pace of breath and bringing myself back to awareness of myself within the class room and accordingly apply myself within the material in/as patience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to consider myself as life within the experience of adrenaline and stress, not considering what I am doing to the body within the excretion of adrenaline through allowing myself to stress myself out within the constant fear of failing this course that I am in, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when walking out of the classroom, keep the experience of the stress and adrenaline until I get home and go to bed, meaning allow myself to within the commute think about the material that I had just learned and what/where I was/was not understanding how the equations function, keeping the experience of the stress/elation/excitement/fear running within me as I continue to create the experience by continuing to think about what I've done within the course and then as I get home still rush through any homework that I can do, allowing myself to move at a pace where I create stress out of the fear of myself within my ability in math

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the patience to walk within the material if I understand it immediately or not, allowing myself to remain stable in breath and awareness of myself here as life, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from moving quickly when/as I understand the material and I get a `positive` experience within stress and fear, not seeing that I am still harming the body by placing it under pressure and stress, in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the positive experience of stress and fear - within the production of adrenaline - and want to remove the negative experience of stress and fear not giving myself equal application in both sides of the polarity to keep myself within living patience and moving at a pace that I can give myself awareness of myself here as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to allow the experience of stress and fear when adrenaline is present and I've decided to fight within the course instead of flee, when stepping out of the classroom, and even within the classroom, not understanding/seeing/realizing that within fighting and moving as quickly as possible I am still going to miss points within the material and that within applying myself within the material it is best to walk slowly and give myself a detailed understanding of what the material consists of to better be able to apply myself on tests, assignments etc, and that in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the experience of moving fast in/as applying myself in the material within writing and moving through equations, I am still allowing the same system to activate as I would within moving fast within the mind trying to understand the material and narrowing my focus on what I am not understanding and creating stress in that manner, and thus I am still stressed out as I move fast when/as I understand the material and move quickly through equations trying to get in as much as I can, instead of staying focused in walking with myself in patience within breath and awareness of myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I find that I am understanding material and start to believe that I can do `well` within the course, come to accept the value system of achievement/success/grades not realizing that those are only but numerical terms of what is valuable, not realizing that I am valuing a system of numbers of higher and lower, a system of inequality, wherein the higher numbers, more money, is more valuable, than the lower number, less money, not realizing that myself in breath as life is what is valuable and that the experience of adrenaline, excitement, euphoria, and elation when understanding the material, believing/expecting/hoping that I will be able to get a better grade, will only last a moment and is not of real value as it is able to be `washed` away within a breath, and that the real value is life and is me as life within the class - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my starting point of attending school is to achieve high grades and make myself believe that I am not a failure in life, which I've come to accept through the situation that I am living now, and not a starting point of/as life within considering what I can give back to life through/as being able to place myself further within the system through/as participating in the system of values that the system operates within, such as high grades, money, but not accepting that system of values of/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself awareness of myself as life in breath and application of patience within walking myself in this system in a pace that I can breathe within, by accepting the system of values of money, grades, success, achievement, and when/as I am believing that I am not matching up to the expectations of myself within the system of values stress myself out by believing that `who I am` within the system of/as value is not of/as value and that I am a `failure` and accordingly stress myself out within the want/desire to become/give myself value within the system of values, instead of realizing/seeing that here as life and as I give myself a quality of life, dignity, self respect, doing that which is best for life - is where I give myself real value as life

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