Saturday, January 26, 2013

Day 278 - Slowing Myself Down Part - 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting as much done as I can within each day to the point where I allow myself to stress myself out with each thought process about what I have to do during the day and the belief of needing to `keep up` with the pace and flow at which I perceive to exist, pushing myself hard to try to keep up with the pace that I have set within the mind, rushing within the mind in/as thoughts, emotions, feelings, without giving myself a second to step back from it all and clearly look at what I am participating in and what I am doing in this life in regards to thought, word, and deed…in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blind towards myself in/as my actions within what I am participating in due to rushing through it all, rushing within the mind, rushing within the physical, and consequently allowing myself to, without awareness, participate in backchat and thoughts, feelings, emotions as I rush through everything trying to just get to the next point in time, not looking at the specifics or even giving myself consideration within the specifics of the backchat, the thoughts, the feelings, and the emotions that exist day to day, allowing myself to be directed by thoughts in which I have not given myself the care/effort to be patient with myself in understanding and slow myself down to see myself within the specifics of the backchat/thoughts/emotions/feelings so that I can give myself an effective understanding of myself within how I've created the entity that has become the mind in its personalities/characters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can slip by in this reality, slip by meaning `make it`, `make it` through life, by remaining ignorant and unaware of myself in the minute details of what I participate within/as the mind and remain ignorant of myself within the backchats, thoughts, beliefs, ideas, emotions, feelings, judgments, etc that I allow myself to participate within/as the mind, not realizing or seeing that even if I do `make it` through life in continuing to participate in backchat, thoughts, emotions, feelings, that at death I will still have to face myself in/as this life in what I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within/as this life, and thus allowing myself to remain unaware and ignorant of the small minute details of the thoughts and backchats that I participate within each day will not allow myself to understand myself, nor face myself in/as this life and live real correction in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear slowing myself down and giving myself patience to see what/where/how I start to participate in a thought/backchat because that means that I need to slow myself down to a point where I will be able to face what/where the point existed in my life that triggered the thought/backchat, and within facing myself I will have to look at the shit within me and understand myself and give myself an opportunity to correct myself, instead of remaining blissfully ignorant of what is in fact going on within/as myself and how I am creating myself and keeping the world systems alive within/as my participation in the systems within/as myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am no longer ignorant of the basic processes of the mind and the workings of the mind and to plead ignorance of what I've allowed myself to participate within willingly at death will only be another lie to myself as I am aware that I am aware of the basics of the mind and aware that I am able to apply myself within stopping myself from participating in/as them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue unabated in the pursuit of happiness because I simply `want` it, allowing thoughts/emotions/feelings to exist that are positive and attempt to get rid of and ignore the negative thoughts/emotions/feelings, failing to see that each polarity is dependant on one another and if I accept the positivity I must accept the negativity in order for the positivity to exist, and that I cannot have one without another, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the polarity cycles just so that I can have a moment of bliss, a good feeling and in this remain ignorant and unaware, ignorant meaning to purposely ignore, of myself and what I am allowing within myself as I rush through life, trying to come out with an overall positive experience of life, failing to consider all relationships/beings that exist in equality to equally provide all life here on this planet, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue within the pursuit of happiness as I rush throughout each day, trying to push myself as hard as I can through these times of schooling and work to get to `the other side` where a `better` life awaits, not realizing that when done school, I will still be living within the exact same system of money, if we as humanity do not agree upon a solution (Equal Money Capitalism/System) and that my experience of myself will not miraculously change within the pursuit of happiness, but more or less remain the exact same as the experience within the pursuit of happiness has been my own creation and my creation within the pursuit of happiness is reliant on the negativity, on the sadness, on the suffering of others so that I have something to compare the happiness to and thus define myself as `happy`, and thus it is reliant upon my own experience of myself in/as negativity - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through life, rush through a day, rush through each and every experience of myself to attempt to get to the next high, the better high without taking a moment for myself, slowing myself down and clearly look at what it is I am wanting/pursuing, and what/how I've accepted/created/personalised that idea within me through influences such as the media/parents/environments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself run through a day within the experience of stress and fear of what I have to do during the day, and equally run through the mind in thoughts/memories/feelings all in order to make myself feel better about what I am doing within this world, attempt to make/create a positive experience of myself in/as the values in which I've associated to, for example, high grades, understanding the material being taught, being social with others, creating relationships with others, failing to realize and consider the rest of the world in/as my actions, and in this only live for my wants and desires within the path that I've been walking in school, education, socialization, instead of re-creating my starting point to support people in this life where I am best able to support others in this life, giving my `life` up for real life, giving up the life that I want for myself in/as the experience of positivity and happiness in order to support the real physical life of beings on this planet

I commit myself to in each day when/as I am rushing within the mind in/as thoughts and am rushing within the physical in a fast pace walk or stressing myself out within the commute or when I am worried about time and the amount of time I `have` to take a step back from the experience of rushing within the mind and physical and assess myself, investigate myself, in/as what I am practically able to apply myself within the time I `have` within the moment and let go of the want/desire/fear/stress associated to believing that I `have` to do all the other responsibilities that I have on the mind as well, letting go and stopping the thoughts associated to the perceived `need` to get done all that I have on the mind

I commit myself to re-assessing myself and re-creating my starting point within my involvement within school from one of needing to get done this course, these courses done, as fast as possible with the highest marks possible, from fear and self doubt, into simple self application of myself in school and working with myself in putting in effort to receive that which I need in the form of grades from school to be able to get into the university program I am aiming for, and in this remove the expectation of myself to go through school without fault, without mistakes, without difficulty, as if this schooling will be a `breeze` and in this work with myself in each moment of breath within what I am able to effectively apply myself within and expand myself in the areas in which I am finding difficult

I commit myself to stopping myself within looking for the positivity in my experience of life, stopping myself in the want for high grades to feel good about myself in school, stopping myself from sacrificing time to work on assignments/homework to socialize for positivity, stopping myself from the ideas and perceptions of/as how school will be when I've gone through upgrading high school marks, stopping myself from the want/desire to walk through school and become successful in regards to money, materials etc, and re-direct myself from myself in/as the starting point of/as support for myself in/as this life as life for all other life in the area in which I can apply myself to assist and support others in their lives to become life itself, and thus first and foremost focus on myself in supporting myself in this life as life to value myself as life, respect myself as life, and dignify myself as life

I commit myself to when/as I am moving very fast within the mind to utilize the four count breath to calm myself down and bring myself back here with the physical in the body and bring myself out of the mind and apply self forgiveness on that which I am moving very fast within/as and in this start to slow myself down within the areas of my life where I am rushing to get done, move through as fast as possible to move to the next area of application, and in slowing myself down, apply myself in quality, not quantity of application

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