Thursday, January 31, 2013

Day 282 - Self Trust

In the previous post (Day 281 - Slowing Myself Down Part 9) I opened up the point of trusting myself to walk the points of responsibility that I have during the day, and how I've created a relationship with myself of not trusting myself to walk these points of responsibility within my own will, and thus I have created backchat towards walking the points of responsibility due to the fear of lack of self trust to walk these points of responsibility within self will. Here I will be further opening up the point of self trust and how I've created the point of a lack of self trust within myself and how through utilizing backchat I can give myself awareness into seeing where/when/how I am not living these points of trusting myself to walk the responsibilities that I have within a day.

Since walking within desteni and walking process, I've been seeing myself in who I am in relation to responsibilities, and how I've resisted even the smallest point of responsibility and have an unwillingness within myself to walk the points of responsibility. And through resisting or simply ignoring the points of responsibility I've further allowed the relationship of a lack of trust within myself for myself to flourish within me, meaning each time that I will purposely avoid a point of responsibility, or ignore a point of responsibility, I further allow myself to establish this relationship of a lack of self trust with myself, and it clearly shows itself to myself in/through the backchat that I have when I am resisting a point of responsibility, resisting writing, or resisting changing certain habits/behaviours, wherein I will backchat that I have to do this, I must do this, etc, showing myself that the point of living the responsibility is not me here, as I've allowed myself to separate myself from living the point of responsibility through/shown through the backchat and relationship within the mind that I've created/allowed in regards to walking points of responsibility.

My relationship to responsibilities and the trust of myself to get them done, or work on them, or to apply myself in expanding myself in/as the responsibilities developed a while ago. A Memory that comes up in regards to lack of self trust and responsibility is when I often forgot to bring in assignments or homework when I was in elementary school, sometimes when I've even done them, causing myself to sabotage myself within homework and the responsibility to make sure that, 1 I've done the homework, and 2 that I bring in the homework on the day that it is due, and in this a lack of self trust began to develop within the point of responsibility towards homework. I remember that when I got into grade 4 we started to get work that we needed to put in time towards outside of school hours which I was completely resistant towards, because I didn’t want to give up my time in order to work on something that I did not want to do…there was this one large project where we needed to create a poster for something and put in a decent amount of effort in researching the material for the topic and creating a poster that was ascetically pleasing and I did not put in any effort whatsoever to get a decent grade…I did end up doing the project but less than half-assedly and I received a D-, one step above a failing grade, for my effort on the homework. I remember seeing that mark and being upset with myself because that mark and that moment there was a choice within me which was to give up what I wanted and apply myself within responsibility or to continue in my habit of resisting points of responsibility and only putting in a minimal effort to just `scrape` by the point of responsibility, to which I decided to hide that project in the cupboards in school and attempt to hide from facing that decision that I had at that time. This relationship continued with me throughout school, where I would not put in effort to get assignments done on time or well, and would more often than not take a 0 than putting in any effort towards the work/assignment all due to the relationship that I've associated towards responsibility, and in this created a relationship with myself, one of a lack of self trust, to apply myself within points of responsibility and put in effort to express/expand myself within the responsibility. Even back then, I had backchat and anger towards myself for not putting in effort towards the responsibility, and the same system exists within myself today - wherein if I have a point of responsibility that I can apply/expand/express myself within, I will resist applying myself in that responsibility and backchat angrily towards myself for not doing the responsibility and in this further fuel the point of lack of self trust towards walking points of responsibility and in this attempt to ignore and suppress the constant `nagging` I am doing towards myself within the mind in regards to living the point of responsibility by sleeping or escaping reality in some form or way which has been video games, entertainment, sex, and substance abuse.

These are memories in which I can see the pattern of the lack of self trust within responsibilities, but these memories are after I was 7, so there are other memories that I still need to debunk that are where/how I created the point of lack of self trust within walking responsibilities, and/or where/how I've developed the resistance towards walking responsibilities that has created, simultaneously, the point of lack of self trust to walk the responsibilities.

I do still live within this pattern towards responsibilities, and this pattern has been a cause of stress within myself due to the backchat associated and the stress of/towards walking the responsibilities and the lack of self trust of myself to walk the responsibilities, and thus I will continue in the next post with SF statements in regards to trusting myself in responsibility and how I allowed myself to not live the point of self trust within walking responsibilities, and corrections within applying myself in trust of myself in walking responsibilities.

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