Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Day 280 - Slowing Myself Down Part 8
Within practicing slowing myself down and allowing myself to relax with myself for a moment sitting down on a couch or lying down, I find myself thinking about what I have to do next and the amount of time that I have before it is `too late` for me to apply myself within that responsibility, creating the point of relaxing with myself for a few moments into a point of more stress as I think about the responsibilities that I still have to do within a day, and allow the energetic experience of the fear of `not getting` the responsibilities done to accumulate within myself and cause/create more stress onto myself.
In this I see that I live in fear, almost constantly, of not having enough time to get everything done that I need to get done within a day to the point wherein I am not able to simply be here with myself and relax with myself, bring myself back to the physical and breath and relax the body from the stiffness that I create when fearing the responsibilities, fearing myself in trusting myself to get them done. Cool, so I see that there is a lack of trust for myself in walking the responsibilities unconditionally, so that I will look at later on in this series.
So when I decide to sit down for a few moments and relax with myself, relaxation rarely ever exists when I do it, because I still allow the thoughts and fear of the responsibilities, my application of myself in the responsibilities, to continue to come up within the mind and thus I do not relax at all, I only make the stress worse because in that moment I am thinking that I am doing nothing when I can be working on a responsibility, applying myself in a responsibility, and as I allow myself to attempt to relax and as I spend more `time` relaxing the stress compounds and I will usually sleep at that moment because I do not want to face the stress that I am creating anymore, in which I then sabotage myself within by allowing myself to sleep for a long period of time in which I miss the opportunity to work within time to work on the responsibility.
I find this situation of my creation of stress quite frustrating as well because it is here within me in almost every moment if not every moment when I walk the day to day habits within the weekdays, but the writing has certainly assisted me in slowing myself down from the constant chatter of the fear of myself within the responsibility and whether or not I can maintain, keep up, hold onto the points of responsibility, not realizing that the responsibility is not going to go away within one mis-step, or within one moment of not walking it, that it will always be here as me for me to apply myself within/as, and that the idea of time and/or a lack of time is that which I am fucking with myself within. I believe to have dead-lines, due dates (yes there are practical points within due dates in regards to assignments/projects) but the fact remains that as long as I am here as me I am able to walk these points of responsibility within my own self-will and not from/as the fear of time and getting it done within time and the fear of myself getting it done on time, the fear of trusting myself to get it done `on time` - meaning that the point of myself living in/as commitment to myself in walking the points of responsibility will always be here as me, time is only related to the time of my death, when/as I can no longer walk the points of physical application in responsibility as I won't be here within the physical, and thus the time and belief of needing to walk points of responsibility within the time limitation that I've allowed myself to limit myself within/as is only an illusion as time never escapes me, is lost, it is me in each breath, moment, movement, past, present and future.
Time as we have accepted and allowed our system to be structured within exists only because we’ve created it, it really is not real in fact, and as I/we walk within the time structure from day to day, week to week and worry/fret/fear about a lack of time to get done all that we have on the mind is, from my experience within it, is the cause of stress for myself, and I'm sure for a lot of people as well. Give consideration to the fact that the amount of time worked is equal to the amount of money earned and that if one is not able to work enough time, and get paid enough money then the stress/fear of survival kicks in and that is when/where we go into the flight or fight response and in that create stress upon ourselves and we are creating the stress within ourselves through accepting the creation of the time structure within day/hour/minute/second as real and attempt to live according to that creation and keep up with time and the need/want to do as much as possible, become as successful as possible before the time `runs out` which would only be at the point of death - so here we are in this world running around like chickens with their heads cut off, looking for the next high, looking to `get somewhere`, looking to create value for ourselves in the movement of time, not taking a step back from running around and `fighting` time in the fear of lack of it and seeing what we are each individually collectively creating as our reality, and this I've experienced for myself in/as the fight or flight response when I am stressed about time and walking points of responsibility, I don't take a step back and look at what I am walking within/as in regards to what I am attempting to give myself value by walking the school system, money system, and consider if it really is valuable and consider what I am actually in fact walking towards/within.
In the next few posts I am going to start SF on the point of Relaxing with myself without stress and walk myself further in to how I am stressing myself out from day to day and how within the want/desire/fear to get through time with the `most` under my belt I am creating the stress within not doing the most that I can.