Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Day 286 - Self Trust Part 5


Yesterday I allowed myself to go into self sabotage wherein, as I was coming home from school I was feeling lethargic and unwilling to move myself to support myself within doing homework, this lethargy, I created within a relationship and the want for happiness, anyhow, on coming home from school I was feeling heavy, unwilling to sit down with myself and apply myself within homework and work/understand the material in math. I wanted to avoid the feeling, but I see that I was not in fact `avoiding` the feeling but accepting it - avoidance to me within the support of what is best for life, is when it is there, breathe, and avoid going into the reaction within the thoughts/feelings/emotions - so I was not avoiding per se but in fact accepting it as me and allowing that feeling to direct myself within the moment.

When I got home I made some food which would be relatively high in carbohydrates, which at that time, is not supportive because I will sleep soon thereafter which makes the digestive process a bit elongated and more insulin is needed to balance out the sugar levels. So when I sat down and started to eat, I didn't do anything other than eat and experience that experience of lethargy and lack of self motivation and lack of self care, and wanted to go to sleep in which I did after I finished eating.

All the time that I was in this experience of self sabotage I was certainly aware of what I was doing and was looking at the experience, wherein I noticed that I was sabotaging myself by eating that food which was higher in carbohydrates than I would normally eat at that time, and by allowing myself to sleep soon after finishing eating, and by not working on math, and as I was looking at it within the mind and backchatting about stopping the reaction, getting myself up and applying myself within the homework I had to do, I didn't care that I was sabotaging myself, I mean I clearly saw what I was doing, clearly saw what it was connected to, and clearly saw the self correction yet there is this character of complete lack of self care and lack of self-motivation, self-love in which I participate when feeling lethargic/apathetic and consequently sabotage myself in/as life when I live this character.

In this character of stubbornness towards support of myself, and when/as seeing the correction of myself and the cause of the sabotage within the mind/feelings/thoughts/emotions and what experience it was connected to, yet still remaining stubborn in what I decided to do with myself in that moment, and who I decided I will be in relation to myself in that moment, I willingly and with awareness allowed myself to sabotage myself - and in this is where/how I've developed a dimension of this lack of self trust, because I mean I clearly saw what the fuck I was doing, clearly saw the correction, clearly saw what/how I created the experience and applied SF on it, and fascinatingly enough when I applied SF there was the jolt within me to sit up, stop lying down, and start to work on the homework and not accept myself in/as self sabotage and stubbornness towards correction of myself, yet I suppressed that `jolt` that movement and allowed myself to remain stubborn in sabotaging myself and did not do more SF on the experience of myself in that moment, which I see now is completely fucked up in the sense that like I question `what the hell?` `Why do that do myself?` and yet I still allowed to exist because I had no care at that moment, I had not self worth, self love, and abused my trust of myself to support myself and life by stopping the reaction when CLEARLY seeing what/how I created it and the correction of myself.

This experience/character of stubbornness I've lived as often in life, where I will allow myself to be stubborn towards self support, or self care or care towards another or from another, and want to `rebel` within stubbornness and not be a willing participant to stand with the other/myself in/as support of myself or the other, and through being stubborn within self sabotage and deciding who I am within a moment and being stubborn about who I am within that moment I've sabotaged myself frequently throughout time and have created this lack of self trust through stubbornness and the unwillingness to support myself when seeing what/how I am able to support myself within/as and what/how I created the sabotaging point.

The main thing I would like to focus on in these next posts is the abdication of self care and self trust when in this point of sabotage and being stubborn about who I am in that moment, because it is absolutely unacceptable for myself to continue to allow myself to be stubborn about who I am in relationship to myself when in a point of self-sabotage because within the stubbornness I am limiting myself extensively, and not allowing myself to expand in any moment when I am stubborn, and I am going to focus on the reactions towards the backchat about supporting myself when/as I was laying down wherein I was backchatting or looking at the point of support for myself and within the character of being stubborn within self sabotage, I saw that, yes, this is how I support myself and yet ignored/denied/didn't support myself and continued in the relationship with myself of self-sabotage and as well to focus on this point to assist and support the development of self trust to do what is best for life and to walk process with effectiveness and stop arguing for my own limitations within stubbornness

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