Thursday, February 7, 2013

Day 287 - Self Trust Part 6


Within this point of stubbornness and self trust it is apparent to me that this has become the definition of self support for myself wherein I have become stubborn and fearful of myself in/as self support and do not have that trust of myself to support myself in/as the process of life, and as I allow myself to live stubbornly towards myself in/as the mind in/as backchat towards the support of myself such as the example 2 days ago where I backchatted about what I was living and how I was sabotaging myself through eating food without awareness of myself in/as diabetes and sleep far too soon after eating and sleeping due to myself accepting myself in lethargy and I allowed myself to be stubborn within the support of myself in that moment, essentially deciding that who I was within that moment was staying the way it was which was a point of self sabotage, and I was not going to `wake up` and correct myself but stay within the daze and mind fuck that was lethargy and lack of self care/self support. I see that there is judgement towards myself in this, expecting myself to live differently than I am, and hoping that somehow someway I will find the motivation within myself to change myself - but when/as I change in this manner, wherein only for a few moments/days I change my behaviour and start to support myself, I will not live this as an expression of myself but within separation of myself as a point that I must `get to`, not realizing that to live it here as me as the expression of me is where the real change exists, and thus within the judgement I allow myself to only momentarily change my actions/behaviours instead of walking myself in self support within stubbornness without judgment of `who I should be` and gently push myself to walking myself out of the reaction towards self support and stubbornness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn when there is a point of self support in my environment and I do not `feel` like stopping myself in/as the reaction that I am going through, being stubborn towards that influence that suggests to support myself and get myself out of the reaction, be it myself within backchat, or another in my immediate environment, and within this stubbornness, stop myself from expanding myself further within myself by/as correcting myself in/as the actions that I see are clearly self sabotaging/self destructive and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this relationship of stubbornness with myself in regards to self support and self care, essentially stating that I do not in fact care about myself as life nor all life on the whole within/as the reaction of/as self care - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that this reaction of/as stubbornness towards myself in self care/self support is directly related to not getting what I want, or giving myself what I want in life, and going into a temper tantrum wherein I become stubborn and resistant to expanding myself or moving myself in self care/self support, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with stubbornness and resistance when I do not get what I want, instead of accepting what I have within the moment and appreciating what I have/what I am given within life, and supporting myself within there and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself within want and desire but to allow it to influence me to the point wherein I react towards what I want in stubbornness/spitefulness/resentment wherein I only harm myself and destroy myself within/as allowing myself to want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in spitefulness/resentment/stubbornness when I am wanting something and there are factors/influences in the direct environment that hinder me from receiving what I want out of the outcome, and in this allow myself to be lethargic and unwilling to care about myself because I did not get what I want, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop and create a relationship towards self care, self support wherein I will only care about myself, support myself when/as I get what I want within the mind, allowing the relationship of self care and self support to be heavily reliant on the energy within the mind when/as I receive what I want, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about myself, be willing to support myself in/as life only when I receive what I want/desire, which always allows holes to be developed within self support and self care, and makes myself in standing as support and care of myself completely unstable, because as I move myself from of the want for something, what usually happens is that when I get the want I am left with wanting more, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept what I have and what is given to me to myself in life and work on support of what is best for all within what is given to me in this life, stopping the want for more, or a `better` experience and allowing myself to develop stability within self care and develop the relationship to myself within self trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is essentially the first time that I am facing this point in/as awareness within considering the point of support within this and thus I am only now allowing myself to work with myself in/as this point of self sabotage and spitefulness and stubbornness, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto all the past moments where I allowed myself to live in this pattern without change/without support of myself within changing this habit/pattern/nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further resent/be spiteful towards/stubborn, when I live in this character of self sabotage and lack of self care/self trust not seeing/realizing that I am compounding the system of/as self sabotage/stubbornness/resentment through allowing myself to further react to myself within the wants from/as myself, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the self support/self care/self trust in which I `want` and from this stop myself from wanting it, but in this give it to myself and in this stop myself from reacting from/as the self care/self support that I want - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place self care/self trust/self support within/as a want from myself, always allowing myself to rebound back and forth from the want and having the want, and in this allowing myself, through placing it as a want, always end up wanting more from myself, instead of giving myself exactly what I need within self support/self care/self trust and working with myself from there - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop self care, self support from myself grounded and not from the want of self support/self care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place self support/self care/self trust in a point of want, wherein as I give it to myself periodically I allow myself to want more, instead of working with what I have given myself in/as the points of self support and self care, and doing what is best for myself as life and life overall within what I have given myself, and within doing what is best for all, expand myself in/as this point of self care/self support for all as me, and in this I forgive myself thatI have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self care/self support/self trust by allowing myself to want it, instead of realizing that I am the giver of self support/self care, and that it is me who gives it to me through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am reacting to not receiving what I want, throw a tantrum of self spite, self destruction, and self sabotage for not getting what I want, essentially harming myself for not getting what I want, not seeing/realizing that this is a habit that must absolutely be corrected as it is heavily related to a self destructive pattern within myself that, now that I look at it, was related to thoughts about suicide previously in my life, and if it stays uncorrected I am able to go back into that point within myself which is absolutely unnecessary and an atrocity to life itself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that within this pattern of self destruction when/as I am reacting to not getting what I want, I am still killing myself, only through allowing myself to not support myself as life but to go to the opposite end and become destructive with myself through other means

I commit myself to focus on the points of want in myself and to work with myself in/as the wants to bring them to the forefront of my awareness and correct them by seeing what is here and what I am here and what I am given here, and work with what is here and not within the want

I commit myself to when/as I am reacting to something which I am not getting, to breathe with myself, and focus myself back on myself within self support self care and away from the experience of not getting the want, and re-direct myself within giving myself self support within the reaction from the want, and in this assist and support myself to further expand myself in birthing myself as life by redirecting these points of self-destruction and self-sabotage into support and assistance within self care, and giving self self trust

I commit myself to re-construct this system of self sabotage and self destruction, spite, and resentment towards myself when/as I do not get what I want, into self care, self support as life and to stop myself within the wants, and in this support myself by giving myself self care within/as the want of affection and/or care from another - In this I commit myself to focus more on myself as life and what I am living within/as myself and give myself more self support and self care as life, stopping myself from having the want

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